Joined: May 2003
|Posted: May 08 2012,2:24 pm
Hi everyone! As the title suggests it *has* simply been too long since I touched base with.. too many things to mention here, but I just have to share this experience. Not to mention the fact that I was directly told beyond a shadow of a doubt by Azrael to do so. He whispered your name to me, Leilah.. just last night. There have been times in my life where I felt that my world had collapsed in on me but the last few months have been the absolute worst on every imaginable level. I thought I had expeienced the "bottom" before but I was so so wrong. That emptiness can get far worse than I could have ever imagined in my younger days. I have never been a "suicidal" person, at least not of my own hand, but I have most certainly wished for death to come and take me away from this prison of flesh from time to time. That "homesickness" that comes and goes has not been going away and has escalated in me to a point of quiet despair. I think that many living creatures pull away from the world and other people when they feel they are dying, and for me I don't mean physically. Something IN me, some part of me had started to feel decay and in a real dangerous and irreversible way. HOWEVER, there is also a part of me that is still strong enough to know, eventually, to call out for relief and I have *no idea* why I let it go for so long. Aquarian stubborness? Human nature? Hormones?? lol I mean what does make you forget how easy help can come for the soul when you ask for it? I'd love to know!
Anyway.. I started mentally projecting maybe 2 weeks or so ago like a beacon in the night out into the cosmos for some comfort and bits and pieces started flowing in. It's been a while since I did some cemetary crawlin' so I stopped in 2 weeks ago, to one I had not been to before. I found a comfy spot and I sat and just took it all in. I tried as hard as I could to clear my head and not cloud the air with all my bullshit and it did quiet down after some persistence. I looked up at the stone that I was sitting in front of and I noticed that the flowers had fallen from their vase, so I picked them up and arranged them pretty again and when I stuck them in the foam, a single daisy fell free and so I put it behind my ear. It most definately felt like a "thank you" and even though it was a very mild experience, it was something and it was GOOD to feel something. For the next few days I wore that daisy and reflected back on it and I decided that I needed more.
Had I really gotten so out of touch that I couldn't easily get back in, I mean really in to myself? I started coming to terms with much of the reality that has been happening to me and I couldn't get over just how hard it was to do simple things like meditate. Those things always came easy but I honestly just had (and still have to some extent) had become so jaded and comfortably numb that it shocks even me. I decided that I needed to re-read "Our Name is Melancholy" and from the moment I opened it I could not put it down and was brought to tears more times than I can tell you. So many things that you say, word for word, Leilah.. describe how I feel, and so eloquently, much more "to the point" than I could ever put it. I brought it with me everywhere and in maybe 3 days time I had finished it. I was feeling a little better but still not good, and last night something just escalated in me and I really broke down like I have never before.
The culmination of every pain I have ever felt seemed to hit me all at once and the weight of the world dropped like a lead weight and I sat down and cied, *really* CRIED like I haven't in a long time. The energy that came from that explosion rocked the inside of my body like a nuclear weapon and I could feel energies from all kinds of places at first. I could feel my dead mother trying to comfort me but I was so upset that I started to push even her away and then I remembered something Leilah had written. You said that the most painful thing to watch was not the wasting of the planet, but watching those about to die pull away from His open hand... and for a moment there that truth was so blaring that it felt like the only truth I knew. I knew what I had to do.
Marcus was already sleeping so I crawled into bed quietly as to not wake him, I needed the house quiet for this. I pulled my black blanket over me and literally in the fetal position I tried to simulate in my mind the silence of the womb and I would have never had the energy, patience, want, or desire to do this had I not just cracked the neck on my emotional bottleneck. I started projecting his name in my mind first quietly, and then a little louder.. Azrael, Azrael. It was touch and go for I'm not sure how long, I could feel a faint response and then I'd realize how close he was, and react a little, then he'd pull back until I was calm again.. and this went back and forth and VERY patiently on his part might I add until the feeling became intense. It felt like adjusting to water of a different temperature in a way. He could sense my struggle with this and he asked me a question... why did you help her? I knew he was referring to you guys, Leilah and Daniel, and that question was easy... because she needed it, I answered. and he said "so let me help you". That was a tangible thing I could wrap my brain around and it became easier after that. I tried to imagine walking into a pool of still water under the night sky without disturbing the surface, step by step.. until I was underneath his wings and when I took that first breath "under the water", it just becomes too hard to put into words exactly what that felt like. It was the quietest storm, like everything and nothing all at once, and the only thing that reminded me that time was still passing at all was the sound of my own pounding heartbeat. After I became more comfortable, he told me to feel the weight of my own flesh and to feel how laboured and difficult the act of breathing actually is, and as he walked me through this I was there in the experience, no "in and out" anymore. This experience lasted far longer than any other experience of this type in my life. I felt him assuring me that I would return to this and that this was all temporary but in words unspoken. Of course in our human minds sometimes random thoughts pop out and break concentration and I could feel him teaching me in a way how to deal with them one by one as to not jar the spirit, it never got so easy that I did not have to try but it definately got easier as it went on. I felt like an infant being cradled in the darkest, most soothing place I have ever known. It was all familiar yet brand new. I could feel him pulling away a little and in my mind I asked him to please stay just a little longer and he did, he said he would stay until I went to sleep.. but the last thing he said was to not forget that there were people that understood my discomfort with the world, and to reach out to them. He said your name At that very moment Marcus stirred in his sleep, lightly rolled over and put his arm over me.. and silent tears just streamed down my face and I could hear my mind saying "this is real.. this is real" and the intensity of that moment I could never describe. That's when I started smelling a sweet smell, mixed with decay from long ago.. and the smell was so strong that it was intoxicating. I don't know how long that went on for in that moment time stopped for me, but I must have eventually fallen asleep because next thing I knew, I was waking up this morning.
I'm sorry for the long winded entry here, this is the first time I have told the story and it was difficult to find the right words, but I had orders ..like I said.. to report this to you guys. I have yet to know how this experience will continue to affect me, but the gratitude I feel for it I could never express. You gave me some of the tools required to get to this point and for that, I THANK YOU.
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it". -George Carlin