Fiancee of Thanatos
Joined: Aug. 2009
|Posted: Sep. 14 2009,12:01 pm
I've had several other encounters since my August 26 post here; usually brief, and -- for me -- fairly commonplace. At least one other time, Thanatos seemed present in my car; other than that, nothing noteworthy that I can remember....
Until the small hours of the morning of Friday 9/11/09. I wondered if something truly psychic as well as very sad, indeed tragic, was afoot. I started writing this post back then, then removed what I had written, saving it until the right time. Now is the right time, for reasons that will be clear by the end of this post.
I'm somewhat afraid to write this post, because I don't know what this Forum's position on suicide is -- or if there is a single position. It's a very complicated issue, but I'm of the opinion suicide isn't always wrong. I'm a great believer in healing, but some people may be too ill -- even if they're not "terminal" in the medical sense -- to heal, and their intuition tells them "It's time to go." I was relieved to find an acupuncturist, herself a dedicated healer, who agreed with me. But on with the story.
I had been preparing for some time -- a month or two, I'd say -- to grieve over the loss of a suicidal friend. A woman whom I met in an online support group. (I never met her in real life; she lived in another state.) She had suffered since childhood from severe mental illness and psychological (if not also physical) abuse. She had also severely damaged her body from years of eating disorders. She was not impulsive: she had been suicidal for years, and was making meticulous plans, preparing notes for people, etc..
I felt that it would be an act of betrayal to try to stop her forcefully, since she was making a rational decision.
I hoped, of course, that she would decide to live. I cared for her and would miss her very much; I told her that. She was a very kind, considerate person and hated the thought of causing anybody grief. But she just couldn't go on living just for others. I understood and respected that.
Nonetheless, I kept telling her about options for survival; of social services that might help her.
On a recent morning, at 5:39 a.m. I wrote in my journal, "I think [name]'s dead. I could be wrong, but I 'sense' it somehow. I was prepared for it, yet...[...]
"Part of my magick tonight, I recall, was to help her go peacefully, if indeed she had to die. She certainly made every imaginable preparation....
"Peace, dear [name]."
Then I went to sleep. When I awoke, I found a time-delayed message from her, saying that she had taken her life.
However, I couldn't be certain she had died. I kept scouring the news in her area for any mention of a suicide, and none was mentioned. I began to wonder if maybe she was in a hospital somewhere, perhaps unconscious....
That was when I began to sense the presence of Thanatos. He said, with his usual smile -- gentle, but sad -- "No, she's not in a hospital. She is under my protection."
For the next two days, I sensed his presence more than usual. He was always standing behind me, if I stood in the kitchen, or sat on the couch -- or stood at my altar, doing a spell for her to be at peace. He kept appearing in my mind's eye, reassuring me, "She is safe with me. Fear not. She is safe."
On September 11 -- although it may have appeared earlier -- I found her obituary.
Edited by April on Sep. 15 2009,5:50 pm
"Death is the mother of beauty." -- Proverb