mistress of the mountains
Joined: Feb. 2001
|Posted: Oct. 02 2002,9:55 pm
I'll jump right in and answer your question, Leilah...it's not the first time I've been asked...unfortunately, I don't have a succinct answer! ¬†(Do I ever?)
Ever since I was a child, I doubted the validity of God, a god, the god, whatever. ¬†I never understood people who would blindly give their lives over to something/one on faith alone. ¬†I never felt the presence/existence of this 'amazing' being myself, never saw any proof of it. ¬†I decided it didn't exist, at least for me. ¬†That maybe there is a supreme power, but it doesn't need/want/ask for our worship, it just *is*. ¬†(In a way, that leads down the path of 'Well, that must be so, because otherwise, how could a loving, benevolent God let these horrible things happen in the world?" ¬†Oh, yeah, I forgot, that's the *devil's* doing... ¬†:::rolling eyes:::) ¬†No, it's because whatever it is that created us really doesn't give a sh*t about us anymore, if it ever did.
As a teenager, I felt myself as somewhat of an existentialist/agnostic, but that still didn't feel 'right' to me. ¬†I wanted to identify with something. ¬†I examined wicca/paganism, but found most of it to be little more than substituting one deity for another, (let's compare Catholicism and Wicca, shall we? ¬†The Threefold Law, the Holy Trinity, Maiden, Mother, Crone, rituals, wine and wafers, incense, cakes and mead, et al) and it was all too 'fluffybunny' for me. ¬†Also in that I have a very nasty, dark, vengeful, angry side (that's how I am, generally) and there's no room for that in the teachings/dogma/'karma' of 'white-lighters'. ¬†I have no white light. ¬†I don't believe in karma.
I've always questioned and rebelled, not gone along with the status quo, never wanted to follow rules until they'd been explained to my liking. ¬†Again, that doesn't go along with the 'blind faith', 'trusting in him', and that bit about believing there's something more here to life than there is if you'll just follow that good, pure, pious, holy path, *whatever*. ¬†Denying oneself pleasure and enjoyment to go to a (possibly?) blessed afterlife? ¬†Uh-uh. ¬†No thanks, I'll take my chances with the here-and-now, 'k?
I'm selfish and arrogant, and I don't see anything wrong with that. ¬†(The Seven Deadly Sins? ¬†How can pride be a sin? ¬†Greed? ¬†Lust? ¬†We're sexual beings, not spiritual.) ¬†I don't apologize for anything. ¬†I feel I'm more intelligent than most people, self-aware, not just 'going through the motions' of living, (the 'sheepled masses') and I've become very cynical ¬†and critical because of it. ¬†I really don't like being around people, I find them generally contemptible, unworthy of my time. ¬†They're in my way, bothering me, nattering at me, annoying me.
I hate people scapegoating and not taking responsibility for their own actions, wanting others to bail them out of their stupidity, blaming anything and everything but themselves. ¬†It happens all the time, and people get away with it. ¬†(Oh! ¬†The coffee's *hot*! ¬†Imagine that! ¬†I burned myself! ¬†I'm gonna sue!) ¬†It's disgusting. ¬†We have to foam-pad/bubblewrap the world to protect people from themselves! ¬†Ludicrous! ¬†Social Darwinism should be allowed to happen. ¬†The weak should be allowed to do themselves in. ¬†It's survival of the fittest! ¬†(Lex Talionis, if you will.)
Then I read a book. ¬†(I'm sure we all know which one that is, right?) ¬†'The Satanic Bible'. ¬†Suddenly I felt I'd found something with which I could identify. ¬†That there was someone else that felt like I did, that there was a name for how I'd felt all those years. ¬†It was quite a revelation. ¬†
I'm not a mindless 'groupie' sycophant, I don't follow everything LaVey said and take it as 'gospel', I don't perform the pompous rituals, but the concept of 'humanism' taken to LaVey's degree agrees with me. ¬†It feels right. ¬†I've read his essays, and his brand of misanthropy agrees with me. ¬†It feels good to be able to say 'I'm a satanist', and not have to make a bunch of amendments, or 'well, kind of, but...' or anything. ¬†
I could just be a nihilist, but I prefer identifying with something, and that something is Satan. ¬†I guess I'm more a 'philosophical satanist', as I don't 'worship' Satan, I don't 'worship' anything but myself!
Ok, deep breath.
I've probably left out a few points, and overstated others, but hey, that's what more questions are for! ¬†
So, where does everyone else stand? ¬†