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Topic: Oh come on, give me a break!
PaleLady
Azraelite


Posts: 405
Joined: July 2003
Posted: Sep. 12 2013,1:38 pm

Jeez, it seems like one darn thing after another. At least I won't see most of it coming... :doh:  I took a lot of damage to my head when I was a kid...dad was a drunk sadist and loved to slam my head repeatedly against a cement wall in the garage. Then, in 1996, I was riding my bicycle (without a helment...dumb!) at about 20 MPH when I was run off the road by some idiot. I hit my head at that speed and skidded about 15 feet. I was pretty messed up for a while after that.  During the past 10 years or so, I have been having problems following instructions. I was becoming unable to remember learned information and difficulty learning anything new. Then I was unable to hold a job for very long. Some of my jobs fell apart in less than 6 months. September of 2012 I received an MRI because I was unable to follow any instructions, I cannot cook for myself and I needed to be prodded in order to shower. I was found to not only have epilepsy, but there was a very significant amount of damage and marked atrophy of both of my frontal lobes, damage to my temporal lobes, and shrinkage of the brain over all. I've been accepted into a program for the very poor at a local  major hospital, and all of the current information is stating that I have Frontotemporal degeneration. This does tend to affect people who have sustained traumatic brain injury, and ususally presents in people in their early to mid 50's, and I am 53. The bugger of this is that there is no way to stop it or reverse it. But there is stuff in the works to slow the progression.

I was told by one of the chief neurologists that although specific symptoms may vary from patient to patient, FTD is marked by an inevitable progressive deterioration in functioning. Frontotemporal dementia progresses steadily and often rapidly and is fatal. The duration of disease ranges from less than 2 years in some individuals to more than 10 years in others.

Wahoo. I think the reason I can deal with it is because I will get a very good lumpsum from SSDI, and I don't have to (and cannot) work anymore! Gotta look at the bright side of this. I can tell you that keeping Azrael in my heart and close to my side has done wonders in keeping me from freaking. After the cancer and all of the other garbage that I had to deal with, it seems odd that this is how I am heading. It is said that ignorance is bliss. And not to offend anyone here who has a loved one in the grips of any dementia, but I am somewhat grateful that I won't be aware of the end. I know, I am morbid, but what the f**k! I am dealing with this MY way!

rip PaleLady rip

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Death is the liberator of him whom freedom cannot release, the physician of him whom medicine cannot cure, and the comforter of him whom time cannot console.

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Morgan
Owned by Donn & Than


Posts: 9143
Joined: May 2004
Posted: Sep. 13 2013,5:03 am

Ouch!  Man, you make my crotch droppinghood look like Paradise!  Or should I say 'food producthood'?  After all, I was not a C-section, so. . .I'm STILL a crotch dropping.

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NAMASTE, AND MY VASUKI LICK YOUR NOSE!

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PaleLady
Azraelite


Posts: 405
Joined: July 2003
Posted: Sep. 13 2013,12:32 pm

My dearest Morgan...I find you immensely intelligent, insightful and funny as h*ll.  One thing I would NEVER do is think of you as a crotch dropping.  And it matters not how we come into this world...it is how we live it that maked the difference.

Your fan as always!

rip PaleLady rip

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Death is the liberator of him whom freedom cannot release, the physician of him whom medicine cannot cure, and the comforter of him whom time cannot console.

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Morgan
Owned by Donn & Than


Posts: 9143
Joined: May 2004
Posted: Sep. 13 2013,6:49 pm

Dude!  I  inhabit a body that WAS (and still is) a crotch dropping.  Most of us are, technically.  It can't be helped.  It's a matter of biology.  Even hatchlings.  It's not politically correct, but ya gots to call a spade a spade.

I am amazed that you made it to where you are.  I also wonder what you did in a former life to get stuck with this assignment in this cesspool of a realm.

My life was no where near as bad as yours, but boy; do I hate living here.  Yet I remember asking for it, and asking for what hardships I did get so that I could become what I have become.  The epitome of obnoxiousness.  Or at least I try.  I am also serious about wanting to get cremated and having the remains flushed down the toilet as a big FU to life itself.  Being a near death survivor does NOT help my 'tude.  I am soooooo sick of being barred from unlimited Akashic Knowledge, and not being self contained, and having to follow these stupid rules to keep from being incarcerated or fined, and basically being a feather in the wind, if you know what I mean.

I am a control freak over my own existence, and a complete sovereignty nut who does NOT like being inconvenienced by someone else's choosing.  It's also a pain in the butt being fully aware of how limited, compromised and stupid we are here, and how programmed we are by our fellow mortal flotsam idiots.  Though I am less programmed than most, and therefore no doubt considered a little bit on the psychotic side, but in my opinion that makes me saner that the majority who do the dayyamnedest things.  Then again, I used to be a bit more programmed than I am now, and I spent a few years of my life playing a few more of the silly games that the majority play, but I got over it.  I can blame ego for most of it.

Ego, I still have; though it's been rerouted.  No way will I say I'm better that who or whatever for that is far from true, but I can say to anything and anyone, 'FOR MY OWN SAKE ALONE, I DO NOT NEED YOU FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE OF WHAT I KNOW; SO GO AWAY'.  I'm pretty 'neener-neenerish' about that fact, and I will admit it's not nice; but oh well.

It's nice having a stong schizoid streak.

Edited by Morgan on Sep. 13 2013,7:09 pm

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NAMASTE, AND MY VASUKI LICK YOUR NOSE!

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PaleLady
Azraelite


Posts: 405
Joined: July 2003
Posted: Sep. 14 2013,12:15 pm

Quote (Morgan @ Sep. 13 2013,7:49 pm)
I am amazed that you made it to where you are.  I also wonder what you did in a former life to get stuck with this assignment in this cesspool of a realm.

My life was no where near as bad as yours, but boy; do I hate living here.  Yet I remember asking for it, and asking for what hardships I did get so that I could become what I have become.  The epitome of obnoxiousness.  Or at least I try.  I am also serious about wanting to get cremated and having the remains flushed down the toilet as a big FU to life itself.  Being a near death survivor does NOT help my 'tude.  I am soooooo sick of being barred from unlimited Akashic Knowledge, and not being self contained, and having to follow these stupid rules to keep from being incarcerated or fined, and basically being a feather in the wind, if you know what I mean.

I am a control freak over my own existence, and a complete sovereignty nut who does NOT like being inconvenienced by someone else's choosing.  It's also a pain in the butt being fully aware of how limited, compromised and stupid we are here, and how programmed we are by our fellow mortal flotsam idiots.  Though I am less programmed than most, and therefore no doubt considered a little bit on the psychotic side, but in my opinion that makes me saner that the majority who do the dayyamnedest things.  Then again, I used to be a bit more programmed than I am now, and I spent a few years of my life playing a few more of the silly games that the majority play, but I got over it.  I can blame ego for most of it.

Ego, I still have; though it's been rerouted.  No way will I say I'm better that who or whatever for that is far from true, but I can say to anything and anyone, 'FOR MY OWN SAKE ALONE, I DO NOT NEED YOU FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE OF WHAT I KNOW; SO GO AWAY'.  I'm pretty 'neener-neenerish' about that fact, and I will admit it's not nice; but oh well.

It's nice having a stong schizoid streak.

I am too sometimes! As for what I did to get born into this life I have lived, I don't know what I could have done to deserve this. I was very young when I was killed. Couldn't have been more than 6 years old. I was stuck in some sort of institution...my gut reaction is that I was in a poor house/orphanage sometime in the late 1800's. I was a severe handfull, and was abused by the staff. I was deathly ill, and my crib/bed/cage was right below an open window. I pulled myself out of my prone position, grabbed the bars, and screamed at the carriages below. As soon as I did that, I fell back into the mattress. I couldn't breathe. And then I slipped away. I can remember the warm, soft darkness holding me. And then I cannot recall anything else. In this life my memories start up at age 2, which is when the rape by my father started.

As for living this life, yes, it has been horrid quite a bit. But I do have my 33 years of marriage to the same man. Despite our differences, he has stood by me most of the time. I have our two sons, who are wonderful, loving men now. I did undergo that 17 sessions of electro-convulsive therapy in an effort to rid myself of the bad memories, but all it did was fry my brain and make matters worse. But now I am slipping away bit by bit. It can be frustrating, scary and by the same token, my downward slide does have it's benefits. Ignorance IS bliss. And I no longer need to endure some of the bad memories, as they are dwindling away.

I can assure you, at least I think I can...that before you know it, your time in this cycle will end before you know it. Then the Akashic Knowledge will be yours once again. Hang tight Morgan...bliss is coming again. It's just a matter of patience!   :clap2:

rip PaleLady rip

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Death is the liberator of him whom freedom cannot release, the physician of him whom medicine cannot cure, and the comforter of him whom time cannot console.

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Morgan
Owned by Donn & Than


Posts: 9143
Joined: May 2004
Posted: Sep. 14 2013,5:04 pm

See ya on the Otherside.  Probably Tech Duinn!  That or The Library!

:beer:

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NAMASTE, AND MY VASUKI LICK YOUR NOSE!

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