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-Obituaries
+--Forum: Entertainment and Media
+---Topic: Dark Humour 4 started by dnekm


Posted by: dnekm on June 17 2006,1:05 am

Please continue....
Posted by: Morgan on June 17 2006,7:53 pm

Star Trek vs. Star Wars.  Had a hell of a time downloading this with dial up, but some of the dialogue is pretty funny in a subtle, dry sort of way.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxhrPaaCA4&eurl >
Posted by: Ayerz on June 18 2006,12:19 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 18 2006,3:35 am

Daoine, another one for you:
< http://www.uclick.com/client/smc/nq/2006/06/18/ >
(Gods, this one busted me up.  I mean, it hit me where it counts.)
Posted by: daoine o on June 19 2006,11:10 pm

Thank you, Morgan...but ya know what's sad?    That considering the sorry state of the world and the sorts of human offal that's constantly being born and passed off as society's glorious 'future'?  I still coulda done better.  But I'm still more glad I didn't!  :laugh:

Happy UnFather's Day!  (Since I missed celebrating UnMother's Day here!)

:asthanos:  <---  lotsa shit going on here on the homefront...i'm around, but mostly lurking.


Posted by: Morgan on June 20 2006,12:13 am

We  say 'Happy Soylent Green Cracker Factory', heah!!!
Posted by: Morgan on June 20 2006,11:23 pm

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=141001 >

E-mail users from hell.
Posted by: Morgan on June 21 2006,7:24 am

Oh, where is FDR when you need 'im?!  A child for every pot, a cat for every chair. . .

Oh, wait a minute!  That was Herbert Hoover!

Never mind!
Posted by: Morgan on June 22 2006,12:47 pm

Rhetorical Wisdom:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=141427 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 23 2006,8:00 am

Funny and educational on our world politics and collective evolution:
< http://www.lightworks.com/MonthlyAspectarian/2006/March/feature1.html >

Sarcasm City by By Swami Beyondananda
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 23 2006,4:40 pm

did everyone see the video clip of Steven Colbert's appearance at the White House press dinner? WONDERFULL! i'm so proud of that guy for actually doing what many of us would love to do: speaking truth to power & socially compelling that criminal bastard Bush to sit down, shut up, listen & take it!
Posted by: Morgan on June 24 2006,2:57 am

No TV connected, so no; but this has got to be my favourite post in Dark Humour, so far.  Also, the alternative news is looking real good, on this subject.  Now when will all come to fruition?!!!!!! :banghead:  :banghead:  :banghead:

Patience, my ass. . .ya know?

Onyhoo. . .what NOT to put on resumes:
< http://www.resumania.com/arcindex.html >


Posted by: HOLDEN on June 24 2006,4:26 pm

you don't have to have seen it on t.v. to see it. go to Google, type in "Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents Dinner" then click "i'm feeling lucky". this takes you immediately to the relevant video clip.
Posted by: Morgan on June 25 2006,4:49 am

I don't know what happened to my 'I'm Feeling Lucky', but I found the video, and 24 minute videos on dialup don't work too good.  I read about it, and I thought that was pretty funny.

Now, I just found a brand of fruit juice drinks made in Mexico, called 'Boing'.  I got me a box of tamarind, and I'll find out if it's any good to-morrow.  Some things just don't translate well, ya know?
Posted by: Maldoror on June 26 2006,7:28 pm

A couple of recommendations regarding superb dark comedy: Jam, Brass Eye, Nighty Night-series 1 and 2. Nothing is taboo in any of these shows. Damn funny stuff indeed!! :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 26 2006,10:32 pm

Bush joke regarding his intellectuality:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=90066 >\

Also, the Boing was tastey, but I won't buy any more.  Sodium Benzoate.


Posted by: Morgan on June 28 2006,10:53 am

The last line is funnier than hell.  Gods, how many times have you wanted to tell something of this sort to someone:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=142154 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 29 2006,1:08 pm

Country Wisdom:

Some of it is funny, some of it is damn good advice.

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=142252 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 30 2006,12:21 am

I'm like, having a conversation with like, one of my printers.  An indigo 5000, and I tell it, "Ya know, I absolutely can't stand your software, but I love your hardware, ya know?"

It replies, "So you could care less about my mind, and you only want me for my body, huh?"

"Darn tootin'!"

**********************************************

A conversation I did not have with one of my managers (yet?):

"Hey Richard!  Wanna hear about a conversation we didn't have?"

"Uh, probably not."

"That's OK.  I'm gonna tell you anyway, but you know!  I would like nothing better than to have a conversation with Nicky Copernicus right now.  I swear!  Where is he when you need him!  This is all your fault."

"My fault?"

"Yeah!  He only died in 1543.  Couldn't you have saved him?"

"Uh, Morgan?"

"Yeah?"

"I'M NOT THAT OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Posted by: Morgan on July 01 2006,2:27 am

Non Sequitur strikes again with the 'death 'toons'.
< http://www.uclick.com/client/smc/nq/2006/07/01/ >
Posted by: Morgan on July 01 2006,4:12 am

Got a letter from Kaiser Perm. after a switch to a new doctor.  It said, "I look forward to being your personal physician, and helping you achieve your health goals."

I'd love to tell 'im, "Dude!  My health goals are death.  Can you do something about that on this visit?"

**************************************************

This might be a repeater re-phrased, but hey!  Me thinks 'tis worth repeating.

"Hey, sonny.  What do you want for your birthday?"

"Ma, your picture would be plenty.  Well, and maybe a dart board."  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on July 03 2006,10:46 am

Another link on weird and stupid laws:
< http://www.floydpinkerton.net/fun/laws.html >

Gods, how low of an I.Q. do you need to work for the government.  The might have a few token smarties, but I don't think they condone a higher than 20 point I.Q. from the looks of it.  I mean, our appointed president is probably well below 20.  (-402?  Or do I give him too much credit?)
Posted by: Morgan on July 05 2006,5:37 am

There is a place called Moron, Mongolia.  I think I'll stop while I'm still this side of politically correct, but we all know where this can go, don't we??????
Posted by: Morgan on July 05 2006,12:53 pm

Signs, signs, everywhere there's. . .
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=142936 >

Even some graveyard humour.  These are great.

Man, I'm beginning to think this is my own personal thread, or somethin'.  Anybody else around?


Posted by: Jentzi on July 06 2006,9:02 am

*giggles* Maybe it´s just that you´re the perkiest around, so that´s why you ke3ep life in the humour-section? It comes naturally!
Posted by: Morgan on July 06 2006,12:09 pm

Perkiest?  Most obnoxious, maybe. . .  No, definitely.  By the way, my "The sole purpose of life is to serve the bladder and intestine" rant (I can't remember where I put it on this forum) got over 300 reads on surfingtheapocalypse.


Posted by: Azothoth on July 06 2006,2:10 pm

I never thought I'd see the day when somebody called Morgan "perky."  Brave, Jentzi.  Very brave.  

Here's a joke fer y'all that may come off as a tad racist, but don't blame me, Jack London wrote it during his "hackwork" phase.  (sheesh.  the disclaimer is longer than the joke)

Tommy:  If a Filipino  eats his mother and is father, what is he?
Tommy's Pa:  A cannibal, of course.
Tommy:  Na.  He's an orphan.

Do I get any obnoxious points for that one?


Posted by: Jentzi on July 06 2006,3:57 pm

Hmm, yeah, blame Jack London. Sure..It was funny, but stupid-funny..but still funny.

< http://www.tshirthell.com/ >

Very funny tshirts..I didn´t know where to put it, but I´ve been laughing alot at them..Some are REALLY tasteless though. Don´t say I didn´t warn you..because I did!
Posted by: Morgan on July 06 2006,4:05 pm

Yeah, you get a couple of points, Azothoth.  Glad to see it.  You get more points if you come up with them independantly, though. Cute site, Jentzi.  Been there before, but it's nice to get a refresher.


Posted by: Azothoth on July 06 2006,10:51 pm

I'll try harder next time.

I need to get that "I can kick your baby's ass" shirt for one of my nephews.
Posted by: Morgan on July 06 2006,10:58 pm

That ranks higher.  :beer:
Posted by: Ayerz on July 07 2006,12:40 am

Or for an even better little kid shirts  "If you your kid cross his me I'll gut him like a pig." or "I'm wanted for murder 1 and the trafficking of methamphetamine"  :eyemouth: or is that too much?
Posted by: Jentzi on July 07 2006,3:21 am

< http://www.sighco.com/Its-True-p-34.html >

It´s so perfect that it´s just..LOVELY! I was thinking of getting it in white, with a pink text, just to get ppl to read it real close. *grins*
Posted by: Morgan on July 07 2006,11:52 am

Jentzi, that's a classic.  Ayerz, that's further than I'd go, but hey!  It scores.  We just have different styles.  I gotta admit I like the first T-shirt concept better, though.  It's gonna get a stronger reaction, and I'd love to see it.
Posted by: Jentzi on July 08 2006,9:18 am

< http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/search-results/key/grim%20reaper/ >

They are silly, I admit..But I liked them.
Posted by: Morgan on July 08 2006,9:45 am

I liked them too.  Now for Summer Redneck Games:
< http://summerredneckgames.com/index.html >

And check out this picture:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=143306 >

Hunt people, not animals for fur, huh?
Posted by: Jentzi on July 08 2006,11:29 am

:laugh: Scary! My gods..I wonder though..sneaking up on him, quickly attach one of those flypaper-thingies that you use to pull of hairs with...Pull and run!
Posted by: Morgan on July 08 2006,12:50 pm

My track star days are behind me, but someone else, sure. . . :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 12 2006,12:41 am

Someone on STA said, "Looks like Syd Barrett's body finally joined the rest of him."
Posted by: Morgan on July 12 2006,10:24 am

Politically incorrect, but as funny as HELL!!!!
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=90511 >

I don't even know what I can say about this poster Jan. . .uh. . .I think the last name is Lamprecht, or something like that.  He's racist and sexist, but he is living in South Africa.  He provides a lot of new, has been threatened, has been exposed to all kinds of horrors that I can't imagine, but in many ways I just can't stand his attitude.  I wouldn't invite him to dinner.


Posted by: Jentzi on July 13 2006,4:16 pm

Heeeey! That picture is from a band-cover..I dont remember their name atm though. *giggles* rather funny idea, in a way.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on July 15 2006,10:45 pm

Side Dish made this up today:

How did Herny VIII decide how to kill his wife?

He flipped a coin and it landed on heads
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2006,12:55 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: I'm repeating that one.
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2006,9:01 am

Cats will be cats:
< http://www.fugly.com/pictures/12044/cat_attack.html >

Gods, I adore those things.
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2006,9:15 am

HUFU!!  The Great Taste of Human Flesh, Without the Guilt

< http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=168 >

And there is an Armour product:  Pork Brains in Milk Gravy.

Check the site out. . .on an empty stomach, maybe.
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 16 2006,4:35 pm

should go over big at Halloween parties! :laugh:
Posted by: Columbine on July 16 2006,9:20 pm

I don't know whether < Schadenfreude Interactive > is a real game company or not, but even if these games are hoaxes, they're damned funny ones!  Plus I love the company logo.

Love, Columbine
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on July 16 2006,9:26 pm

:laugh: :laugh: Oh gods, those are great.

My fave is Nazgul Thunder.


Posted by: Jentzi on July 17 2006,12:59 pm

*giggles* its puns of real games.."Cthulhu karts" Id LOVE to see! (Mario Karts is the crappiest game ever in mho, it should self-destruct if I could decide).
"Grand theft ottoman" is hilarious too. But, the biggest prize goes to "Dead men rising"!  :laugh:  Id love to play them.
Posted by: Jentzi on July 17 2006,1:24 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUfgb5ZkD-M&search=Snes >


Id love to see it for real  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 18 2006,12:25 pm

Uh. . .should this go here?  Awe, why not!

Vengeance, thy name is 'nose'.  (Speaking of Shakespearean metaphores. . .uh. . .sorta vaguely.)

Onywa', I was reflecting on my past, and what an idiot I used to be when I was actually stupid enough to get married to a creature that reminded me of something, I mean someone else.  Yeah, financially, it was a case of what's his is his, and what's mine is ours.  I'm sorry, but I've got an old fashioned streak, and I was taught that's the way you relate to your bitch.
Posted by: Morgan on July 18 2006,5:29 pm

Uh, why couldn't I have thought of this when I was 10 years old?

'Be glad you didn't.  You would have been slapped silly.'

But still!  Parental Atagonism 101:

Talk to a buddy or sibling in front of your parents on what's grosser.  Watching someone commit a bandsaw suicide or watching someone give birth.  Have the other respond on the bandsaw suicide probably being more dignified, then come back with the scenario of commiting a bandsaw suicide 'WHILE' giving birth, and take it from there.

We'll have to excuse me, but my resentment meter has just gone in the red, and a few of my subsequent sarcastic posts might be slightly on the vicious side.

'Slightly?'

Little bit.

'Uh huh.  Yeah, sure.'


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on July 18 2006,5:49 pm

Hm.... methinks Side Dish and I might have to do this next time we see our dear grandparents. I'll ask him. :laugh: :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 18 2006,6:58 pm

Post results please.   :eyemouth:

I think I better e-mail you the rest of what I wanna say.  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 19 2006,11:18 am

Wanna know a good way to cause a traffic accident in the worst possible way?

Ignore this advice:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=144825 >
Posted by: Morgan on July 20 2006,12:17 am

No clue if this is a repeater, or even who came up with it. Bumper sticker:

The Best Satanists Are Reformed Catholics

True, huh?


Posted by: Morgan on July 22 2006,1:40 pm

This makes me hope Ken Lay is still alive:
< http://www.kenlayisalive.org/ >
Just so he can see it. :eyemouth:
Posted by: Jentzi on July 24 2006,8:04 am

:laugh:  One of the photos make me think of a handpuppet!
Posted by: Morgan on July 28 2006,8:47 am

'Nother Non Sequitur Reaper 'Toon:
< http://www.uclick.com/client/smc/nq/2006/07/28/ >
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on July 28 2006,11:19 pm

:laugh: :laugh: That reminds me of a joke that's in The Sandman:

A woman called the police station, and said "Help! I've been reaped!"
The officer said 'Calm down ma'am. Don't you mean raped?"
She said 'No, he used a sythe!"

Ba-dum-tish!
Posted by: Ayerz on July 29 2006,12:42 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 29 2006,5:03 am

:2bounce:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :2bounce:

Now be a good boy, and write us another poem!!!!!

Funny newspaper headlines:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=146050 >


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on July 29 2006,10:45 pm

Yee haw!!!!!!! It's time to "git 'er done" in 'pooterland! :laugh:

Redneck High Tech...

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jeb.

Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Bubba's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - Female Disco dancer.

Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker - Uncle Jonas after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

:clap2:  :doh:  :clap2:  :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on July 29 2006,10:57 pm

Letter to the Secretary of Agriculture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOT RAISING HOGS
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
   Washington, DC

   Dear Sir:
  I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into the agriculture business to supplement my welfare check.
  My friend over at Union, Iowa, told me he received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business too.
  What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies and regulations. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks 'caise they's mean an ornery, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. That durn paperwork always has been a problem with me.
  My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs?
  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I will expand the operation and I can afford an airplane which I will use to visit you and my other friends in Washington D.C.
  Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? That grain that I don't feed the hogs can be turned into ethanol or Tylenol or whatever they call that shit they gonna put into gasoline to make it cost more.
  Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand, I will be totally unemployed, during which time I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

   Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

   Patriotically Yours,

   William Jefferson Beaudreaux,III

   PS. please notify me when you are giving out some more free cheese.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LMAO!!!!!!! This is priceless (pun intended). Since I don't grow or
raise anything, I stand to make a virtual killing.......

Cheers,

< http://www.myspace.com/haarp_totm >


   :laugh:  :clap2:  :headbang:  :beer:
Posted by: dnekm on July 30 2006,2:21 am

What is scary to me about the second post above..... Since moving to the boonies I actually understand some of that....  :banghead:
Posted by: Morgan on July 30 2006,8:11 am

Too true for comfort, huh?  Onywa'; anither Non Sequitur Death 'Toon:

< http://www.uclick.com/client/smc/nq/2006/07/30/ >


Posted by: Morgan on July 30 2006,9:18 am

Is the name 'Hank' pronounced 'Honk' in BBC English?  (Oooooh, I like that.)
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on July 30 2006,11:34 am

Nope, because it's one of the exceptions to the long 'a' sound is Royal Pronounciation, or the standard British accent. Please forgive the serious answer.

It would be fun to go into a store, sit on the floor and loudly chant 'ohm'. Then, when the management starts to get annoyed, tell them they're messing with your energy flow, and that you can have Lord Lump-Lump kill them.

Methinks I'll do that today, if no alternative presents itself.


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on July 30 2006,4:06 pm

I discovered Tom Lehrer today:

The Masochism Tango
By Tom Lehrer

I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.
You can raise welts
Like nobody else,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

Let our love be a flame, not an ember,
Say it's me that you want to dismember.
Blacken my eye,
Set fire to my tie,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

At your command
Before you here I stand,
My heart is in my hand...
Yeech!
It's here that I must be.

My heart entreats,
Just hear those savage beats,
And go put on your cleats
And come and trample me.

Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany,
That's why I'm in such exquisite agony.
My soul is on fire,
It's aflame with desire,
Which is why I perspire when we tango.

You caught my nose
In your left castanet, love,
I can feel the pain yet, love,
Ev'ry time I hear drums.

And I envy the rose
That you held in your teeth, love,
With the thorns underneath, love,
Sticking into your gums.

Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches.
The last time I needed twenty stitches
To sew up the gash
That you made with your lash,
As we danced to the Masochism Tango.

Bash in my brain,
And make me scream with pain,
Then kick me once again,
And say we'll never part.

I know too well
I'm underneath your spell,
So, darling, if you smell
Something burning, it's my heart... [hiccup]
'Scuse me!

Take your cigarette from its holder,
And burn your initials in my shoulder.
Fracture my spine,
And swear that you're mine,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

And...

Poisoning Pigeons In The Park
Also by Tom Lehrer

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you?  'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel* or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment,
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strych'nine
We feed to a pigeon.
(It just takes a smidgin!)
To poison a pigeon in the park.
Posted by: Morgan on July 30 2006,10:23 pm



---------------------QUOTE-------------------
You caught my nose
In your left castanet
---------------------QUOTE-------------------



Now I must go to work thinking about this.  How could you do that to me?!

( :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: )
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 01 2006,9:30 am

< http://www.explosm.net/comics/200/ >

This is a hilarious comic, Cyanide and Happiness
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 01 2006,11:03 am

Iconoclasm Central.  It's gonna take a while to get through the series, though.  In fact, I probably won't, but it's gonna get a bit of my time.  Great stuff, dude.


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 03 2006,11:53 am

I am occasionally VERRRRRRY sadistic.  You might want to get a barf bag before downloading this.  Gods, I hate this song.

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=146709 >
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 03 2006,1:51 pm

*Is so ashamed* You know..a swedish artist has sung that too..ITS SO SCARY! :cry:

Correction: The original was made by a swedish artist..A Eurovision song-contest-thingie..I am if possible even more ashamed that poor old Sweden brought such evil to the lands around it.  :cry:  :cry:


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 03 2006,6:30 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
I am occasionally VERRRRRRY sadistic.  You might want to get a barf bag before downloading this.  Gods, I hate this song.

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=146709 >
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Ugh. That's horrible. Horrible. How could you, Morgan?!?!
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 03 2006,8:25 pm

I just had to remind everyone I'm the most obnoxious board member, all right?  I mean, I can't let my responsibilities of the title slide, can I?
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 04 2006,9:50 am

How could HE!? *points at the evil Dussel--I mean Hasseldorf*

I dont even remember his name correctly!  :banghead:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 04 2006,10:24 am

I don't even WANT to know.  But, now I'll be nice for a change:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=146872 >
Posted by: Ayerz on Aug. 08 2006,12:50 am

There once was a cat
Who's name was Mat
But Mat sat on a hat full of semtex
And now Mat's organs mat the floor
:cat:


Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 08 2006,4:00 am

You know, a person that I ran into on IRC, her cat was killed by accident in her dryer..Her housewatch wasnt told that the cat tended to sleep in it, and the poor lady is half-deaf. Im so 2-sides about it so its strange..One part of me just wants to laugh like a maniac (actually I could laugh at anything, but its not always because its funny), the other part is totally horrified beyond reason and cant stop wondering how it felt in there for the poor thing.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 08 2006,10:52 am

I don't know how realistic this is being I'm always so worn out, but a part of me kind of wants to rebuild myself.  Perhaps more than rebuild myself, so maybe I can become twice the man I never was, instead of being half the man I never was.


Posted by: Azothoth on Aug. 08 2006,3:24 pm

Morgan, you're already twice the man most men are.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 08 2006,4:22 pm

Hmm..what a tricky thing! *ponders* Rebuild to be something one isnt? Almost zen to it.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 08 2006,10:12 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Aug. 08 2006,11:16 pm

:eyemouth: Car Shopping!

A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and
spotted the most  beautiful, perfectly "loaded" Lexus.
She walked over to inspect it more closely. As she bent
forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little
burst of flatulence escaped her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
anyone had noticed. There, standing right behind her, was a
salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame.
How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened,  she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very
sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the  price."  :laugh:  :clap2:  :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 09 2006,12:34 pm

I already posted the fact there is a news service in South Africa called Noseweek.  This is a reminder.

Also, this is a true story.  There is a thing called a UV Coater.  You gloss paper with it.  It is very boring,  You take a stack of paper, put each individual sheet on the glosser, let it collect at the other end, and grab another stack of paper. . .and that's all there is to it, provided the coating mix is just right, and all that.  (There is some technical knowledge needed to get the heat lamps right, and the chemicals right and all that, but after that's set up. . .)

Anyway, it's a horrible job.  The most boring thing in existence, I swear.  I figure if a supervisor or manager hated someone, they could be mean and put them on the UV coater 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

One year-end, we were doing 12 hour shifts, seven days a week.  Imagine that.  One of the UV coater people actually died.  What some people do to get away from that nightmare, ya know?

(When I told my manager that one, he said to knock it off or I may get fired if the wrong person hears about it, but oh well.  That's what Westgate is for, huh?  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: )

I can't remember his name, but the dude was a nice guy.  A Sikh.  Maybe I'll see 'im again in a couple.
Posted by: Samaelz on Aug. 09 2006,4:30 pm

I tho ught it be worse! So I'm glad it's you Morgan


eye need a smoke :smoke:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 10 2006,10:56 am

And the 2006 Darwin Award goes to:
< http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060809/od_nm/brazil_grenade_dc_1 >
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 10 2006,12:49 pm

Not as stupid as the poor man who wanted to make fireworks, so he decided he should try and get the content from inside a grenade..With a chainsaw. Or the sergeant who played around with an artillerypiece and got blown up..and he was a safety-instructor or something.

Morale: Dont beat stuff that will go off in your face, living or mechanical..

But, propeller-grenades? I have never heard of them.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 11 2006,6:22 am

Anyone else in here that thinks Nasdaq is really the name of an orch?
Posted by: Columbine on Aug. 11 2006,8:14 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Anyone else in here that thinks Nasdaq is really the name of an orch?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Ha!  Yeah, that works!  :beer:

Love, Columbine
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 11 2006,6:51 pm

STAR TREK LIVES FOREVER:
< http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html >

Some of these are hilarious.
Posted by: Leilah on Aug. 11 2006,7:05 pm

Hey! They're doing a roast of Shatner on the Comedy Central channel this Sunday @ 9pm Central US. Should be fun!

As far as I'm concerned he could kick Picard's ass any day and I'd be FINE with that... The bald, P.C., whiney little creep that he is. "Number 1, take a number 2."  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 12 2006,4:09 am

NOTHING will beat the original series.  Gods, looking back on it, it's as campy as hell, but the visions and the concepts. . .

Thanks to the innovative mind of a Free Mason of the 33rd degree.

Gene Roddenberry forever.  (No, I don't watch it anymore, but that show had the best effect on me, of all TV shows.  I'm still not gonna tell anyone of how old I was before I realised my ambitions of working on a starship just weren't gonna come through.  :eyemouth: I mean, I just didn't have the proper mindset to work in such a 'military' setting, ya know?)

And didn't Leonard Nimoy have one of the sexiest noses you ever saw?


Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 12 2006,4:11 am

Ah, you could work in engineering, they were less strict, I think.

Or you could be an eccentric officer. Or you could be the new non-humanoid cook! Please though, dont do a Captain-thing and grow tentacles in your face..Leave the nose be.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 12 2006,4:17 am

Oh, now you tell me.  I don't have time to go to school, though.  Engineering woulda been fun.  I wouldn't want to go as an NCO, though.  They always got killed off.

Wait a minute.  That would be a good thing.

I'll call up the recruiting office, and schedule an interview for next Friday.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 12 2006,4:19 am

Naaah, you wont get killed off unless you have a red shirt on when you step on a planet (I think they have painted targets on those shirts with some sort of pheromones that makes the poor schmucks to be decoys *goes all conspiracy-mode*).

Have you noticed that they never run out of NCOs though?
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 12 2006,4:37 am

So all I have to do to get killed this week is buy a red Star Trek uniform shirt?  I probably have to do that mail order, though.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 12 2006,4:42 am

Aah, but you have to make sure its the real deal, or youll end up haveing strange ppl running into your home demanding you to go into the ventilationsystem and check this or see why the warpspeed isnt working.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 12 2006,7:34 am

Then I'm probably toast.  Onyhoo. . .

I am NOT going to my own funeral. . .unless someone drives me.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 12 2006,1:24 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 15 2006,10:48 am

A Tribute To Ann Coulter:

I'm a big cracker, wanna-be Kraut.
I'm a Southern redneck, inside-out.
Had two years of school, and have no doubt
I'm the smartesest, here about.

I'm a clever cracker, yes it's true.
I've got tons of money, more than you.
People pay to hear me rant and spout.
It seems whack-job blondes, have more clout.

(How can anyone take that twat snot bitch seriously?)

Andre, I had to do some revisions to make it more fitting, since giving this slaughtered piece a reason to exist.  (I'm a little teapot, re-arranged.)


Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 15 2006,1:03 pm

*laughs so hard she weeps* MY GODS! Ive seen her once, on Jay Leno, and my gods, I didnt even like her even BEFORE SHE SPOKE! Theres something about that woman that makes my flamethrower-trigger itch. I think she is using her hate to write, and then look down on ppl either for disagreeing with her and not see through it, or shes just fucking stuck-up!

:clap2:  To the song!
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 15 2006,5:14 pm

We need an emoticon that takes a bow.  Thank yew (all).
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 15 2006,9:08 pm

My gods, that's brilliant!!!!!!!!!!! :clap2: :clap2:


Morgan, this made me think of you:

< http://www.explosm.net/comics/71/ >


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 15 2006,9:57 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: Understoodable.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 16 2006,5:17 am

:laugh: :clap2: Hilarious comic!
< http://www.explosm.net/comics/50/ >
That one was straight up my alley! I think I have a bellycramp from it!

We should get an emoticon that laughs and pounds the table..

With his fist, smart-butts! *glares*

For some reason, the comic makes me think of "My anus is bleeding!" "Yeeeeeey!"...A very VERY twisted flash-cartoon I saw.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Aug. 16 2006,10:48 am

i wonder who else here besides me has noticed that if you rearrange the letters of

ANN COULTER

in a particular order, you get

UNCLEAN ROT
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 16 2006,12:39 pm

Uncle anrot? You know, you could probably find alot of stuff in her name..But I think that you can actually say that the anagram of her name, fits to describe her brain! yo! *giggles*
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 17 2006,12:08 am

Something tells me I'm gonna need a new battery for my car. Anyway, this reminds me of what I did in San Jose.

My battery died, so I ran down to Kragen. It was maybe about a mile away. I was still in fairly decent shape, so I decide I'm gonna carry the battery home. About a mile! Yeah, sure.

I died maybe about 2/3 of the way home, and caught a bus to go the last three blocks, or whatever. Gods, I was an idiot. I'm soooooo proud of myself for that one. I mean, who else, huh?



(Considering the cost involved, you would really rather change your own damn battery than have a garage do it. Which reminds me. I also gotta get a hammer and another cresent wrench. Man, I wonder if they use power tools to install those thangs, ya know?)


Killer anagram, Holden.  Love it.  And your handle is an 'old hen'?  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 17 2006,12:48 am

:laugh: Sadly, I've done similar. "Sure, I'll carry this setpiece across the Quad, up three flights of stairs and down two hallways." :laugh: Never that extreme though.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 17 2006,7:38 pm

The theme from the imaginary musical 'Siggy'

Fun With Freud

If your mother's too controlling
And won't let you go bowling
If you think your dear old dad
Does naught but vex
There's no need to be repressive
Just learn to be obsessive
And get yourself an Oedipus complex!

If ever there's a trouble
That you want to avoid
Or if your subconcious
Is just a mindless void
Or if you think that by your father
You have been un-boyed
Fun with Freud!!!!!!!!

If you're anal retentive
Or less than inventive
And think that love will you never possess
Think back on your childhood
About the things ungood
All you have to do is regress

If ever there's a trouble
That you want to avoid
Or if your subconcious
Is just a mindless void
Or if you think that by your father
You have been un-boyed
Fun with Freud!!!!!!!!

If you're orally fixated
With lust that's never sated
And have father issues out the rear
If you're pushed to the brink
Just go to the shrink
And he'll find a sexual root for your fear


If ever there's a trouble
That you want to avoid
Or if your subconcious
Is just a mindless void
Or if you think that by your father
You have been un-boyed
Fun with Freud!!!!!!!!

(Build to cresendo)

FUN WITH FREUD!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 17 2006,11:21 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   You ought to put that to music.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 18 2006,12:12 am

Working on it, currently, with Angus.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 18 2006,9:32 am

:laugh:  :clap2:  My psychology-teacher should have seen that.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 18 2006,11:59 am

Yeah, and the theoretical play is a hilarious concept.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 18 2006,4:58 pm

*giggles* The best thing is that my mind insists on putting musical-style to the song.  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 19 2006,12:10 am

It'll be up in a little while.  A Woodshed Spiders piece, no doubt.  Post the link when you're done, Andre.

Now. . .um. . .I had no clue where else to post this:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=92041 >

Damn, people are WEIRD.  I'm glad I gave up the concept of religion.  SHEESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: dnekm on Aug. 19 2006,12:35 am

Umm.... not to be weird or anything, but do any of you know the mythical story of Oedipus? Or how obsessed Freud was?
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 19 2006,12:51 am

I know the story of the Sphinx, and how Oedipus ended up killing his father, marrying his mother, blinding himself after he found out what he did.

Ego, Id, and all that. . .anal fixations?  It's been sooooo long. . .  Uh. . .Freud was a mixed bag.  I read about him a lot when I was in high school, and can't really remember much about his personality, but I think he made psychology a lot more complicated than it really is, in so many regards, in the weirdest way possible.

Tell us more.  What's behind the question?


Posted by: dnekm on Aug. 19 2006,1:03 am

According to mythology....

Oedipus father spiked his son's heels and left him to die, but a servant betrayed him, and left his son with people to take care of him.... This was all due to a curse upon the father....

His son met later him him at a crossroads and killed him - not knowing what he had done..... and of course later married his own mother...

The only reason I bring this up here is that the so called Oedipus complex was invented wholly by Freud..... There was no complex - it was a set of circumstances.....

Yet in popular culture it comes down to the Doors song......

My own personal opinion? Freud was a nut job, who - due to humanities obsseviness with sex - set us all back .....

I guess that the - what is behind the question is just a wondering of the knowledge of what it is that is being made fun of.....

Go easy on me... I am forced into quitting smoking and this is my first day....
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 19 2006,1:14 am

Ah yes!  Penis envy, and all that!  That aspect of Freud slipped my mind.  I can't identify with anything Freud wrote about that in that department.  I could probably write a more realistic book on psychology than Siggy, based on my personal observations.  (Humanity as a whole is a personally insecure, intellectually lazy, frivolous, responsibility abdicating. . .)

I assume Andre was making fun of the fact that he simply existed, but you will have to wait until it gives you a personal reply, for I only speculate.
Posted by: Ayerz on Aug. 19 2006,1:23 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
I think he made psychology a lot more complicated than it really is
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


....um....um....that's funny cuz I find Freudian theory absurdly simple minded.  :beer: Yeah, he was a nut job, but he got somethings right. You also have to remember that most of his concepts and ideas pertain to the severely mentally ill. (IE your fucking crazy)
            You had to quit  :smoke:?! Could we inquire as to the cause of this atrocity?


( :laugh:  :laugh: Song's awesome)


Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 19 2006,12:37 pm

*grins* I think the pig-idea is wonderful. Why not have pet-pigs on the buses? I mean, they cant blow it up then, because chances are the pigs remains lands on them or gets mixed up with theirs. They -could- of course then shoot it..but then they still have to get rid of the body or it will still be the same way.
But on the other hand, itd be endangering the poor pig.
Ooh, cuddle-pigs! Like stuffed toys? I have one myself, its cuute.

Though, real nutjobs probably wouldnt care where they end up, if they think they are doing a holy deed.
Posted by: Columbine on Aug. 19 2006,1:59 pm

I think the "Oedipus complex" was Freud's knee-jerk photonegative cover a far more common - I'd say near-universal - problem in families, which is the FATHER wanting to be the CHILD and wanting the mother for a MOTHER.  Most marriages that split up do so within a year of the birth of the first child, because the father can't handle the sibling rivalry.  "Why aren't you paying attention to ME any more?"

These (multitudinous to the point of outright majority) fathers go on to act out at their wives/partners in every way possible - cheating, accusations of cheating, outright abuse, passive-aggressive sabotage - all because Mommie isn't THEIR Mommie any more.  On the other hand, the sons who are most often suspected of having an "Oedipus complex" usually do just fine once they find a nice guy and settle down.

Love, Columbine
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 19 2006,6:07 pm

:2bounce:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :2bounce:

This is a cat thing:
< http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/rsc/ >

LSD = Lead Singer's Disease
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 19 2006,6:53 pm

:laugh: I cant help being worried..exactly HOW did you find that site? *suspicious look*
Posted by: Ayerz on Aug. 19 2006,8:17 pm

:laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:   :cat:
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 19 2006,9:47 pm

Threatening a politician.."Dont make me come up there and tell jokes about you!" *falls over and snores* Id love to see that. :drool:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2006,2:23 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   I found the cat thing on Surfingtheapocalypse.  There's this chick who goes as 'Curious', who posts all kinds of stuff like that.
Posted by: Ayerz on Aug. 20 2006,3:05 am

"Yeah, I had a soul once, but I dropped it on vacation. It fell into the swimming pool, and I didn't have an ice pick to dig it out."  :doh: Oh, and speaking of that

"Global warming? Bah, I fixed that, I just threw my heart into the ocean."    
  "Channel Five breaking news"
    "The most of the...wait...wait...yes,yes... in a startling development the entire western coast line seems to be frozen over. It is unknown as to the cause but global warming seems be the most likely..."
      "Umm....I...shit..." :cat:


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2006,3:10 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Star Trek Lives Forever:
< http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/roast_shatner/index.jhtml >

(Train wreck in a dress, who used to be hot.  Gotta remember that one.  From Leonard Nimoy explaining why he won't be at Shatner's roast.)


Posted by: Ayerz on Aug. 20 2006,3:12 am

:laugh: Yeah, I've been waiting for that.  :laugh: Maybe then they'll do a roast of Patrick Stewart  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2006,3:20 am

That would be hilarious.
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 20 2006,6:47 am

:laugh: VERY funny! *falls over*



< http://devilspanties.keenspot.com/d/20011222.html >

This is my favourite-webcomic atm. Im trying to read all of it in one day!


Posted by: HOLDEN on Aug. 20 2006,10:33 am

hey! yesterday was Gene Roddenberry's birthday! :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2006,2:44 pm

Happy belated birthday, Gene. . .wherever you are.  Onyhoo:

Teacher:  OK, class.  To-day, you're all going to tell us what you want to be when you grow up.

Roger waves his hand wildly.

Teacher:  Yes, Roger?

Roger:  I wanna be a dominatrix when I grow up.  I can have a dungeon, wear leather, and get paid to torture people.

Teacher:  Uh, Roger!  I think you have to be a woman for that job.

Roger:  I hear that can be arranged.

(Imagine this really happening.)
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 20 2006,3:02 pm

:laugh:  The kid would get an A+ if it were my class!
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 26 2006,8:01 am

What to say when a gun is pointed at you when you are trying to leave a country like North Korea, the former Albania, East Germany, or anywhere else that doesn't want you to go:

"Go ahead and shoot me, asshole!  I still won't be living here."
Posted by: Ayerz on Aug. 26 2006,10:20 pm

:laugh: :laugh: < Stupid > people are fucking hilarious!  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 27 2006,6:09 am

Actually I would say that they are brilliantly sarcastic..Gods, I PRAY that they are sarcastic!  :worm:
Posted by: Samaelz on Aug. 27 2006,5:04 pm

Sarcasism, it beats hurting people.  :laugh:
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 28 2006,5:56 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Happy belated birthday, Gene. . .wherever you are.  Onyhoo:

Teacher:  OK, class.  To-day, you're all going to tell us what you want to be when you grow up.

Roger waves his hand wildly.

Teacher:  Yes, Roger?

Roger:  I wanna be a dominatrix when I grow up.  I can have a dungeon, wear leather, and get paid to torture people.

Teacher:  Uh, Roger!  I think you have to be a woman for that job.

Roger:  I hear that can be arranged.

(Imagine this really happening.)
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: My gods, that is hilarious. If anybody asks me I might have to say that.

I do this sometimes:

When asked: why are you doing (fill in the blank), I reply "because otherwise I would not be manly enough to wear a skirt."

The best response I ever got was "ok, but you might need a skirt first."
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 28 2006,6:04 pm

Perish the thought.  I myself am not secure enough in my masculine identity to dress in drag.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Aug. 28 2006,6:21 pm

Heh-heh-heh. I've done drag, and it aint fun. Mascara is evil. :twitch:

If I ever have a motto, this will be it: Don't lend your pens to people you don't trust. I said that today, and remembered it.
Posted by: Azothoth on Sep. 01 2006,1:58 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
If I ever have a motto, this will be it: Don't lend your pens to people you don't trust. I said that today, and remembered it.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


A lesson well learned, I'm sure.  I've lost several pens that way.  One of which was a gift from my grandmother.  It was one of those space pens that writes upside down.  

Last year (when I actually had a job) I didn't want to go in to work, but I couldn't think of a proper excuse, so I called my boss and said that I had a case of anal glaucoma.  He asked what that was, so I told him "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 01 2006,5:30 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: I remember that one, and I'm laughing just as hard as when you first posted it.
Posted by: Azothoth on Sep. 01 2006,7:21 pm

I've posted it before?  Oops.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 01 2006,7:28 pm

Dark Humour 3, I think it was.  It's gone, but this is worth bringing back.  It's one of the funniest posts on here.


Posted by: Azothoth on Sep. 01 2006,8:56 pm

Well, at least somebody pays attention to what I say.  (not even i do that)  And thank you.  I wish I could say it's an original, but it's not.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 02 2006,8:26 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------


---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Happy belated birthday, Gene. . .wherever you are.  Onyhoo:

Teacher:  OK, class.  To-day, you're all going to tell us what you want to be when you grow up.

Roger waves his hand wildly.

Teacher:  Yes, Roger?

Roger:  I wanna be a dominatrix when I grow up.  I can have a dungeon, wear leather, and get paid to torture people.

Teacher:  Uh, Roger!  I think you have to be a woman for that job.

Roger:  I hear that can be arranged.

(Imagine this really happening.)
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: My gods, that is hilarious. If anybody asks me I might have to say that.

I do this sometimes:

When asked: why are you doing (fill in the blank), I reply "because otherwise I would not be manly enough to wear a skirt."

The best response I ever got was "ok, but you might need a skirt first."
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Hmm, be glad you never made that comment in my presence..Friend tried that on me, and my reply was "Hah! You wouldnt be manly enough even if you had a beard so big you didnt have to worry about clothes and sweated testosteron!"

Lately sis has been bugging me about if I want something, like a thing or so on, and Ive made her go nuts by answering "a stuffed monkey" everytime she asks..She should have learned her lesson by now, considering last time she asked that kind of thing I told her I wanted a pink transparent rinser for the pasta..Took her 5 years to find one. :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 03 2006,5:52 am

I do not know what the hell inspired me to go to this link.  Nostalgia for a more dysfunctional time of my life?  Still, I shake my head and wonder, HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE THIS DOWN?????
< http://www.robintheboywonder.com/photos.html >

And the pay wasn't even that great in those days.

I read Burt's bio.  He's a real sharp and cool dude.  Him and his wife have an animal rescue foundation.


Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 03 2006,1:19 pm

Doggies cuuuute!! Like them the most...Sheesh, you know the old Batman-series is still showing here? I watched it alot when I was a kid, but now I cant stand the colours they used.. *goes cross-eyed*
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 03 2006,3:15 pm

I used to watch it, too.  I didn't realise how funny it was until I wasn't watching it any more, but kids are incredibly stupid.  I mean, I took it seriously.  I was actually worried about them on those first half episode teasers that left them hanging, and almost lost sleep over them.

I also took Lost In Space seriously.

Now, if that's not a sign of a dysfunctional mind. . .

It's not going to happen, but imagine if I went to someone's house who watched this stuff, and I put on an act of still taking it seriously, and asking these relevent questions to the dilemmas with a straight face.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 03 2006,4:59 pm

:laugh: I used to be like that too! Nowadays I cant bloody watch a normal movie without questioning it or pointing out the flaws in the plot, but then it was like I was all-accepting what I saw. I never worried over them though, I mostly was interested in seeing how they would figure things out..Nowadays I go "But..Catwoman is a wuss..what does she mean by letting them go!? What was the point anyway then?!"

But its like I take things seriously the first time I see it..Like "Skycaptain and the world of tomorrow"..My gods, the movie is both horrible and beautiful, like a very long musicvideo, but still, the first time I saw it I totally loved it and went into kidmode all again.
There are few movies I can watch and be serious about the second time I watch it.
It has to be a REALLY wellmade movie if Im going to take it like I did the first time.


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 04 2006,1:38 am

I don't watch anything anymore.  It's a 'I don't wanna support the media', thing, and I'd rather do other things in the limited time that I have, even though I always bitch that time moves too slow.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Sep. 04 2006,2:24 am

Part of an argument I had with my mother that is the birth of my new favourite comeback:

Her: You're a piece of work, kid.

Me: And guess who I learned it from?
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 04 2006,2:46 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: You're good.  I would have been slapped silly by my incubator for any sign of rebellion, but this nose has had its day, and will have many more.

HOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Sep. 04 2006,4:07 am

:laugh: Why thank yew. :laugh: :laugh:

Signs we should have: Beware of drag queens with PMS envy.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 04 2006,5:21 am

Oh, I suppose so; though I'm not a drag queen.  Well, except for the skivvies, but don't you dare tell anyone I wear chick underwear.  I'll never live it down.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 04 2006,1:26 pm

As long as you dont wear them on your head, I doubt anyones gonna notice.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Sep. 04 2006,1:35 pm

:laugh: :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 05 2006,10:40 am

Trust on this one.  I DON'T!!!

Onyhoo, the Shrubster strikes again:
< http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm >

You know, because of people like our appointed president, I really miss the good ol' days of Sparta.  Man, something that stupid probably would have been thrown off a cliff before age 8.  I doubt George is intellectually proficient enough to make a good doorstop. Though me thinks I'd rather see if he'd make a decent plunger.

Yeah, I'd pay to see that.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 05 2006,4:10 pm

:laugh:  I cant stop laughing! Stupid, stupid stupid!
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 06 2006,10:20 am

Politically incorrectness at it's best:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=92736 >
Posted by: shi on Sep. 06 2006,7:21 pm

It's been a long time, but anyway...Heres a 'lil something that has to do with the < nose... >
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 06 2006,7:54 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: Thanx!  I needed that.  Danu; being a fellow nose, should also appreciate that when it gets home.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 07 2006,6:39 am

Hmm, now I get all inspired to invent stuff like that..But, would sequins be wise to use? Sparkly-nooose! Whee!
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 09 2006,4:50 am

Political Incorrectness RULES!!!!!!!!

< http://www.africancrisis.org/ZZZ/ZZZ_News_8711.asp >

Beer joke pic.

< http://www.africancrisis.org/ZZZ/ZZZ_News_8710.asp >

Terrorist joke pic.


Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 09 2006,2:57 pm

:laugh:  Very funny!


< http://www.bloggerheads.com/photoshopping/photoshopping_crazy_frog.htm >

I think Ill be hanged for posting this site..But its kind of horrifyingly fun, in a way.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 10 2006,6:25 am

Was joking around about a theoretical tribute band:  Fink Ployd.  Well; key it in, and you get a boat load of links.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 11 2006,11:55 am

Tell this to someone:

So, how do you feel about the concept of women and children first. . .(long pause). . .in a mine field?
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 12 2006,10:23 am

Cartoon:http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=92974

My Favourite Martians
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 12 2006,4:44 pm

Oh, what to do on a sleepless night?  Easy!  Think of this:

Analogies For Children:

Landmine detectors.
Mushroom testers.
Piranha food.
Shark bait.
Famine protection.
Purina Baal-Hamon and/or Tanit Chow.
Lab animal.
The parasite that makes tapeworms look good.  (With tape worms, you lose weight.)
Proof of human stupidity.
Broken alarm clock.
Skeet replacement.
Financial meltdown plan.
Date repellent.
Virus factory.
Ball and chain.
The Destroyer.
The inconvenience of all inconveniences.
Birth control.
Instant resource diversion.
Luau course.
The 18 year sentence.
The primary reason Carthage should have won the Punic Wars.
Stew meat.
Crotch droppings.
Biological accidents.
Screechlings.
Environmental liabilities.
Unprocessed Soylent Green crackers.
Ankle biters.
To-morrow's meatloaf.

(Feel free to add.  If ya do, can I transfer 'em to my blog?  Huh?  Can I, can I, can I????????? :2bounce:  :2bounce:  :2bounce: )


Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 12 2006,5:35 pm

Id change the 18-year sentence to Lifetime..Once a mom, always a mom. Thats what keeping me from ever getting a kid, the horrible thought that when she/he/it is like 35 Ill still be named "mom" *shudders* SCARY, SCARY!
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 14 2006,12:28 am

What NOT to say to your manager:

Salvia Divinorum, though not a controlled plant, is technically illegal to use to enter altered states in California, so I assume the company would have an issue with that. There is; however, no legislation about it in Nevada, so therefore it would be OK with the company then, right? But is it worth the drive?

Naaaaaaaaaah. I'll just use my Datura.  Can I have the next two weeks off, please?


Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 14 2006,7:12 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 14 2006,8:33 am

:laugh:  :laugh: Yes, and then explain to him that he can no longer drink in the sate of CA... oh wait... never mind, thats an exception.  :cat: Good ol' sate laws that make no sense :shocked:

While we're on the topic of drug jokes, "Ah yes, the three Greek muses, wine, opium and ergot.  :doh:


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 14 2006,10:32 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   Oh man!  These are great!  Any more?

Hey Sammy!!!!!!!  You got any?
Posted by: Alois on Sep. 14 2006,10:48 am

Sally D!!! I personally love the stuff. I like to use 10x or higher, preferably 20x.
I'm not sure but check this out, they have some pretty good prices.
< BBB >
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 14 2006,12:56 pm

I very much doubt any of us will hold it against you.  (In fact, your post on you having used Salvia is what triggered my joke.)  Love the site.  Posted it on my blog, and it looks like I have a few more plants to research.

13 odd years ago and a little before, I could have been a celebrity amongst witches.  I used to grow three different kinds of datura (stramonium, datula, and I have no clue what the yellow ones were.), hemlock, and black nightshade.  Couldn't find the monkshood, though.  It was before my web-time.  No, I wasn't a recreational user.  I was just comforted by the fact they were there.

Too bad Hayward killed all those off at the shoreline.  It sure took 'em long enough to find out what they were.

Idiots.

It was a trip trekking through the datura fields, though.  A lot of them were taller than me, and the unmarred ones sure smelled good.  The damaged ones, though. . .yucky-poo.
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 14 2006,8:47 pm

:laugh: I'm sure I can think of more of them. Here's a really geeky one no will probably get  :doh:  "So, methylene and dioxy found them selfs at a mixer, but they were board. So to quell their boardom, they met up with the wild meth and amphetamine, and really hit it off. After drowning in acid for a while, they found them selfs in a state of total ecstasy. They were in a land near Mes Caline, but so different in culture."  :laugh: It's really, really geeky, I'll explain it later.  :hippy:


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 14 2006,10:42 pm

I understand it.  The play on words.   :laugh:   I know what you mean in not being able to expect people to get it, though.  I mean, I'm not gonna print it out and distribute it at work.  I think only a small handful will get it, myself.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 14 2006,10:43 pm

Double post deleted.


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 16 2006,7:39 am

Mao Tse Tongue
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 18 2006,6:29 am

I finally told my manager the salvia/datura joke.  He said, no; I can't heve the next two weeks off.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 19 2006,11:37 am

Got this from Eco Warrior on Morgana's Observatory, though it's not hers.  It's as funny as hell, though:

Dear Dr. Laura:
>
> Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
> have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
>knowledge
> with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
>homosexual
> lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22
> clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some
>advice
> from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to
> follow them.
>
> 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
> pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
> claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
>
>
> 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
> Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
> price for her?
>
> 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
> period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do
> I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
>
> 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
> female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
> of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
> clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
>
> 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
> clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
> him myself?
>
> 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
> abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
> I don't agree. Can you settle this?
>
> 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have
> a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
>my
> vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
>
> 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
> around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
> 19:27. How should they die?
>
> 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
> unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
>
> 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
> different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
>made of
> two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
> curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
> trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev24:10-16.
> Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we
>do with
> people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
>
> I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
> can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
>and
> unchanging.
>
> Your devoted disciple and adoring fan
Posted by: HOLDEN on Sep. 19 2006,1:37 pm

thank you for posting that. :clap2:

...but it just makes me wonder all over again how decent, kind people can still defend the fucking Bible & the Abrahamic God. :cussing:
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 19 2006,2:33 pm

:laugh: Oh...my...gods!!  :laugh:  If I laugh any more, I better go to the toilet to do that! Its just..nuts!
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 20 2006,12:03 am

Don't look at me. To me, reading the bible might as well be reading the epic of Beowolf. I mean, one is no more far out than the other, huh? (Beowolf! Gotta read that again.  The real epic, that is. Last time I was exposed to it was a dumbed down version in grade school.)


Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 20 2006,7:35 pm

Mmm, me, I keep to the good books instead of the nutty ones too..I found a book called "Giftwish" and theres 2 dragons there that are very close in behaviour with the ones Ive run into..I like it! *tailwags* Beowulf is funny, I actually think. Why? Havent got the foggiest, but I still crack up after Ive read it.


Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 23 2006,1:26 am

:2bounce:  :2bounce: < 300 > Another movie from my favorite comic book author of all time, Frank Miller!  :2bounce:  :2bounce:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 23 2006,10:41 am

Imagine going through life with a name like Catherine Lick.  Me thinks I'd change it.  (A Pagan called Cat Lick?  Brrrrrrrr!) :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 23 2006,11:53 am

Oooooo. . .ooooooo. . .oooooooo!

Apt moniker for our bastard head of state:  President Butt Plug.  Very apt, judging from the underground news, in the worst possible way.  (He's been accused of being a chickenhawk, amongst others of his family and clique.)
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 23 2006,3:02 pm

Is this serious?  Well, if I were still playin' the game it would be.

"I may be 51 percent straight, but he better look like a chick, dammit!"
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 23 2006,3:41 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Oooooo. . .ooooooo. . .oooooooo!

Apt moniker for our bastard head of state: President Butt Plug. Very apt, judging from the underground news, in the worst possible way. (He's been accused of being a chickenhawk, amongst others of his family and clique.)
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Oh but grooooss! Poor buttplugs of the world *weeps for them*
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 23 2006,3:58 pm

I'm sorry.  I am insulting some 'toys', huh?  Anyway, uh. . .welcome to a Russian Federal highway.  I don't know what to say, and I don't even know what to think:
< http://englishrussia.com/?p=315 >

Incredible, huh?  After you've seen the Moscow Metro Pics?
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 23 2006,5:45 pm

Umm...thats how many of the roads look like here in the spring..And late late autumn, if it rains alot. Though on some stretches there is asphalt.
Posted by: Columbine on Sep. 23 2006,10:31 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Umm...thats how many of the roads look like here in the spring..And late late autumn, if it rains alot. Though on some stretches there is asphalt.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Around here it's usually some politician's fault.  :laugh:

Love, Columbine (not sure there's much difference)
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 24 2006,1:50 am

I can't wait to go to hell! An all you can eat buffet, deep fried and chare charred to a crisp, just how I like them." What, Im not a cannibal, honestly!" :cat:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 24 2006,2:57 am



---------------------QUOTE-------------------
" What, Im not a cannibal, honestly!"
---------------------QUOTE-------------------



Uh huh!  Suuuuuure!  That's what they all say.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Sep. 25 2006,7:04 pm

Somebody asked me today if eating someone out is cannibalism.

Ayerz, leave some for me.
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 25 2006,9:12 pm

:laugh:  :laugh: Don't worry, there'll still be plenty left when I see you in hell.  :laugh: After all, if we assume all religions and denominations are right, everybody  goes to hell.  :eyemouth: Plenty of meat to go around "Pass me the a leg! No no, not THAT leg, your other leg, the one that got soaked in oil."  :color:
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 26 2006,12:00 am

"OMG, look at her pink dress!"    
"Yes, I know...*Whispers * just ignore it and it will go away; don't make any sudden movements, it can sense your fear."  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 26 2006,2:07 pm

In 1977, I survived getting hit by a Southern Pacific freight train.  I had to do it though, to get me on the right track.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 26 2006,4:18 pm

*sighs and slaps her head* Please tell me it was an unvoluntary wise-crack.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 26 2006,4:45 pm

Oh, it was quite voluntary.  Both the wisecrack and the getting hit by the freight train.  Best day of my life.  Too bad I survived.   :eyemouth:

(We must remember, I HATE life.)


Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 27 2006,5:43 pm

In his grove under the trees, vile Pychedlu waits dreaming. He calls to the artists, ensnaring them with isbannac, the grass of unholy madness and murder, the grass which renders men ponderous; a formidable weed, which we must act in force to control! From his tie-dye forest, its geometry all wrong, Pyschedlu alters the minds of men, making them strange, complacent and promiscuous, a monument to all that the civilized must disdain! He wraps his appalling tentacles, like great stocks of ergot infested grain, he wraps them around the poor souls who see differently from the norm. The servants of Pyschedlu may seem innocent enough, indeed these beguiling minions of evil may seem just like everybody else, many may even seem to be possessing of great intellect, but do not let this fool you, these hedonists are dangerous indeed! They will snare you in, feed you the tainted food of the evil Pyschedlu, one taste of which will corrupt your very mind, make you see as they see, or, at best, drive you to the very edge of madness! Do not succumb to the tainted ones, with their deceptive epics of love, and strange epithets for names; they are the enemy, the destroyer, threateners of civilization! Strike back against these contenders of dissent, avenge your self on these posioners of all that is just and right! Do not let them spread their poison of mind consuming madness! We must not stand indifferent, we must strike back with force, make them see we will not change, not accept their evil ways!  I entreat and I know any up standing citizen will make it his soul task to wipe this scum from the planet, no matter the cost! Many may not believe this tale, and it is true at times, I have trouble believing it my self, and often times I wonder, if by getting so far into the truth of this terrible secret, I have not become more mad, than those I fear.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 27 2006,6:22 pm

:laugh:  I was thinking "sarcastic Lovecraft"-style.
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 27 2006,10:52 pm

:laugh:  :laugh: Yeah, you're right on the money.  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 27 2006,11:18 pm

Good little story.  Good point.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 28 2006,10:49 am

Can't find it here, so I hope I didn't post it here, but:

Imagine being named Catherine Lick.  Going through life as
Cat Lick?

Hey!  We've got a "James Lick" freeway across the Bay.  Why not?
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 28 2006,6:42 pm

:laugh: Somehow, I think being Richard Lick would be worse.  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 28 2006,7:20 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   You outdid me on that one.  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Raven_D on Sep. 29 2006,9:34 am

I know a girl named Rumena Guzica. Translated in english its mean Red Arse

Imagine thet :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 29 2006,10:28 am

Ye gods, that's funny.    :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   I'd change it.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Sep. 29 2006,6:07 pm

I used to be a lawyer, but then I got dragged into female impersonation.

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2006,1:23 am

DRAGGED, huh?  That one took me a minute.  Subtle, and it would probably be over the heads of most people without the emphasis on 'dragged'.  Heh-heh-heh.  Love the second one, too.
Posted by: Ayerz on Sep. 30 2006,2:32 am

:laugh:  :laugh: First one's hysterical.  :laugh:  :laugh:
I don't really get the second one...
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2006,4:05 am

Just a play on words. Absinthe as opposed to absence. The absinthe thing might be true on occasion, I suppose. Not really sure. Same principle as the difference between a hot babe and 'Divine' (RIP, dude/dudette. You were hilarious.) being a 12 pack of beer? Never tried it, never will.


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2006,9:37 am

I'm sure I posted this before in a dead Dark Humour thread, but it's made another showing on STA, so why not repost it.  I agree with the poster that the last one on the list was gut busting:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=152874 >

(Points To Ponder)


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2006,12:11 pm

Strictly Nosehairs On Tap Concept:  Karaoke joint.  Hold up sheet music to get the syllabic count absolutely perfect, and 'Nyip' White Room, Black Curtains as histrionically as possible.

(Nyip nyip nyip nyerp,
Nyip nyip nyoop nyerp. . .)
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 30 2006,3:39 pm

*giggles* sounds like when me and sis found that "zumming" songs were quite funny..I dont know if you remember it, but there was a Donald Duck-episode, a really old one, where he was in the jungle trying to photograph birds, and a bunch of colibris were singing, like "Zum, zum"? THAT kind of zumming..I can add that it sounds funny trying to zumm "Run to the hills". It sounds abit like a heavy metal-bee performing.
The "nyirp"-touch though will probably sound funnier.


Funny convo took place between me and a friend thursday evening...I tried to prove that Herbie, the disgusting Disney-car, was evil..


Me: Herbie drives on walls...Dracula can climb on walls, like nobodys business..Both do it without the intention of saving someone (unlike Spiderman).
Friend: But Herbie ISNT evil..He does it so his "owner" can win.
Me: Yeah..about that..The "owner" doesnt believe they can win either, so technically Herbie is convincing ppl to drive in races so HE can win..He has to have an ulterior motive.
Friend: But come one, no car is evil.
Me: Yeah? What about Christine?
Friend: But thats different, thats not a Disney-car.
Me: What you mean is that its not possessed by one of Disneys homebrewed demons?
Friend: Herbie is NOT a demon!
Me: yes it is..Promises of fortune and fame, all the poor schmuck that is "driving" it have to do is to take it to races and so on..It helps out now and then, suuure, but its all just to gain the persons trust.
Friend: Youre just nuts.
Me: Nope. Another proof: ever noticed how his female driver in the new movie always look extra-happy and "refreshed" after a drive? I think its even worse, its an incubus-car, a sort of vampire! Thats why it has super-extra-powers that normal cars dont have..
Friend: thats because its a living being..
Me: Yeah, and that is sooo normal. Either its a living being, and all living beings have 3 drives: food, reproducting and shelter..he got 2 out of 3, until a "driver" comes along..Or, its a possessed car.
Friend: But then its a good spirit!
Me: A good spirit doesnt possess things! Thats an evil act, for all I know.
Friend: but it does it to a thing, not a living being, and it does that to help people.
Me: Ooh, so just because its a thing you mean its ok then? Thats even worse, it cant consent or refuse, its just used, and not even in the way it was intended!
Friend: it doesnt matter, it cant say no, so then its no harm.
Me: Hmm..babies cant say no either, or animals, or plants. So its ok then?
Friend: but they can SHOW that its not ok.
Me: I seriously doubt that babies cant be fooled. And thats what evil possession-intended spirits do :P.

I still think Herbie is evil. *shudders*


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 01 2006,8:18 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Strictly Nosehairs On Tap Concept: Karaoke joint. Hold up sheet music to get the syllabic count absolutely perfect, and 'Nyip' White Room, Black Curtains as histrionically as possible.

(Nyip nyip nyip nyerp,
Nyip nyip nyoop nyerp. . .)
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:eyemouth: That's a pretty good start! It could be the perfect intro to a terrorist karaoke (pronounced 'kroakee') fustercluck that would doubtless become an international incident- I can almost smell it!
After "White Room" my friend J. Smartinov could do his 'tard karaoke (this guy can act better than the real deal!), then Igleson Snortworth can do Mandatory Mariachi (Metallica lyrics set to mariachi music?! WTF!), then to finish 'em all off if they weren't smart enough to leave by then.......The Village Creeple! Featuring a vampire, werewolf, zombie, mummy, & the odd disheveled politician or 2, with the bandleader being a Shatner impersonator. They could do Zappa covers, like "Disco Boy" & "Dancin' Fool".......Fuckin' scary! Now where's that loony-toon I knew that blew $33,000 putting on a concert for 60 people in July?! :laugh: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Oct. 02 2006,9:23 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Funny convo took place between me and a friend thursday evening...I tried to prove that Herbie, the disgusting Disney-car, was evil..


Me: Herbie drives on walls...Dracula can climb on walls, like nobodys business..Both do it without the intention of saving someone (unlike Spiderman).
Friend: But Herbie ISNT evil..He does it so his "owner" can win.
Me: Yeah..about that..The "owner" doesnt believe they can win either, so technically Herbie is convincing ppl to drive in races so HE can win..He has to have an ulterior motive.
Friend: But come one, no car is evil.
Me: Yeah? What about Christine?
Friend: But thats different, thats not a Disney-car.
Me: What you mean is that its not possessed by one of Disneys homebrewed demons?
Friend: Herbie is NOT a demon!
Me: yes it is..Promises of fortune and fame, all the poor schmuck that is "driving" it have to do is to take it to races and so on..It helps out now and then, suuure, but its all just to gain the persons trust.
Friend: Youre just nuts.
Me: Nope. Another proof: ever noticed how his female driver in the new movie always look extra-happy and "refreshed" after a drive? I think its even worse, its an incubus-car, a sort of vampire! Thats why it has super-extra-powers that normal cars dont have..
Friend: thats because its a living being..
Me: Yeah, and that is sooo normal. Either its a living being, and all living beings have 3 drives: food, reproducting and shelter..he got 2 out of 3, until a "driver" comes along..Or, its a possessed car.
Friend: But then its a good spirit!
Me: A good spirit doesnt possess things! Thats an evil act, for all I know.
Friend: but it does it to a thing, not a living being, and it does that to help people.
Me: Ooh, so just because its a thing you mean its ok then? Thats even worse, it cant consent or refuse, its just used, and not even in the way it was intended!
Friend: it doesnt matter, it cant say no, so then its no harm.
Me: Hmm..babies cant say no either, or animals, or plants. So its ok then?
Friend: but they can SHOW that its not ok.
Me: I seriously doubt that babies cant be fooled. And thats what evil possession-intended spirits do :P.

I still think Herbie is evil. *shudders*
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: That's brilliant!!!! :laugh:
Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 02 2006,7:40 pm

Mmm...friend got miffed, actually, he takes things waaay too seriously. But I cant help wondering..-IF- Herbie is alive..How come hes only alive when someone finds him and starts polishing him up? The car is freaky, I tell you!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 02 2006,10:55 pm

It's been over 30 years since I've seen The Love Bug, but that is hilarious.  (Never saw 'Herbie Rides Again'.)
Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 03 2006,6:36 am

I laughed so badly when I found this.


This spell requireth ye hand gesture to be made in ye following way. Extend thy power hand outward toward thy intended target with thy palm facing thy face. Fold thy thumb, first, third, and small fingers into thy palm. If this be done properly, then ye finger of death and damnation shall be extended towards the heavens.
Whilst making the sign of malediction indicated above, intone the following incantation in a great and wrathful voice:

YYYYYYYUUUUUUU
EEEEEEESSSSSS
OOOOOOHHHHH
BBBBBEEEEEE

This being done, the wrongdoer's fate is sealed. Great care must be taken with this most potent curse. It has been known in some instances for angry howling demons to take control of the intended target, causing great bodily harm to the unfortunate wizard. Enjoy this one. I know I will.


I -really- really want to see someone try this for real!  :laugh:
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Oct. 03 2006,9:01 am

Hm. I might have to do that. :laugh: :laugh:
Posted by: Ayerz on Oct. 03 2006,10:35 pm

< http://www.penisland.net/ > Who ever filed for this URL must not be too intuitive.  :laugh:  :laugh:     (Ok, so it's probably intentional... but  :laugh:  :laugh: cum on!.  :eyemouth: )


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 07 2006,2:00 am

This is sloppy, but funny as hell.  90 worst inventions that's more like 86 or so, due to repeaters:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=153847 >
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 08 2006,6:20 am

There are some stores that often ask if you want help out with your groceries, so one day when the clerk forgets to ask, you go:

"Aren't you going to ask me if I want help out with my groceries?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like some help out with that?"

"No!", and you walk off.

(Next time I REMEMBER to do that at TJ's, I will.  Andre, why do I expect you to follow suit?  I'll post what happened after it happens.)


Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 08 2006,7:36 am

Mmm, here they dont ask, everyone carries their own bags..they -had- bagboys/girls in one store, but it was under friendly-fellow-week or what it was called. Pissed me off..Mesa carry my own bag, mister! *thwack*
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 08 2006,11:19 am

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=154024 >

i posted this a long time ago on a former Dark Humour thread long gone, but me thinks this deserves a repost.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 09 2006,12:09 am

I put this up somewhere.  I hope I'm not reposting here, but it's a thing to say.

"If you thought things couldn't get any worse, remember that they can.  You could be attempting to train Britney Spears or Paris Hilton to do your job."
Posted by: Azothoth on Oct. 09 2006,11:10 pm

You know how you can tell that either Paris or Brittany have been using your computer? White-out on the screen.

Morgan, I can't see the 25 signs thing. It says I need a password to sign in.

Quick question: who here thought we'd live to see the day that bacon cheeseburgers were healthier than spinach and lettuce?


Posted by: Ayerz on Oct. 09 2006,11:44 pm

:doh: You jinxed it, now we'll have e. coli AND mad cow disease . :chase:


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 10 2006,12:10 am

Damn!  I was logged onto STA when I posted that.  I have to fix that at home.  (I keep forgetting I can't be logged in when I post links.)
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 13 2006,12:27 am

The dude in our complex who was shot just down the road from us. . .

I was commenting on how Hayward was losing population, and I guess his killing did a little to lower the population density of the town.  I also commented on how it was kind of convenient that he was gone, now that I can turn my car around in his space.  Finally, I really like (present tense, for he is just transferred, not really 'gone', so. . .) Zane (the name of the guy who was killed), and if I treat people I like, like this, can you imagine how I treat people I DON'T like?

A little convoluted, but. . .
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Oct. 13 2006,12:45 am

So, Side Dish and I were standing in line for something, I think it was sandwiches, and we start goofing around. The following conversation results:

Him: I wonder if you could die like this? (sticks hands in shape of guns into nostrils)

Me: Don't stick imaginary guns up your nose. It's probably detrimental to your health.

Him: What about real ones?
Posted by: Ayerz on Oct. 13 2006,12:53 am

:laugh:  :laugh: Well, bullets do loosen the brain and relax the body.  :eyemouth: Totally therapeutic.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 13 2006,6:18 am

I think this is a repost, but hey!

Me thinks the biggest accomplishment of my life was telling a kid I was gonna flush 'im down the toilet, and having him believe me.

As for those conversations:

Me: Meeting you was the second best thing that ever happened to me in my life.

Danu: What was the first?

Me: Getting hit by a train.

(Both of these are real. I mean, I ain't the most obnoxious member of this board for nothin', huh?)


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 14 2006,5:25 pm

Heh-heh-heh!!!!  I don't like Tom Cruise:
< http://www.pugbus.net/artman/publish/10072006_11_cruiseplug.shtml >
Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 15 2006,11:02 am

:laugh:  I cant help but wonder..HOW did he come across it in the first place? Is he sitting at home googling his name or what?

Gods, its hilarious! There should be a smiley for "laughing so bad that one chokes", really..  :laugh:
Posted by: Ayerz on Oct. 15 2006,5:04 pm

No, he was buying one of L. Ron Hubbard and was shock to find his own face staring back at him!  :doh:
Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 16 2006,6:47 pm

:laugh:  Grooooooss!!
Posted by: Ayerz on Oct. 17 2006,12:07 am

Ok, this is everywhere right now but < White and nerdy >    :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: It's even more funny when you are white and nerdy...  :eyemouth:. This one of the funniest songs weird Al's done yet, hahah, I still love All About The Pentiums though... ok.... I think at this point I can't deny it any longer, I'm a geek.  :cry: This THIS and only a few months after admitting I'm blond!  :banghead: When will it end!  :eyemouth:


Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 17 2006,10:24 am

hey it's okay man i'm a geek too & PROUD.

that video is HILARIOUS. :laugh:but my favorite Al Yankovic piece is one called Bob. it's a tribute to Bob Dylan, sung to the tune of Tombstone Blues, & the video for it is a parody of the little promotional film Dylan did for Subterranean Homesick Blues. & the geeky part? every line of lyric is a palindrome! (only fitting for a song called Bob).
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 18 2006,4:12 am

Loved White & Nerdy.  Thanx.
Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 19 2006,11:56 pm

Pirate Wicca: We be castin' da quarters, mateys, watch out for that ye get ye perzishuns a'correct as we be doin' the lesser banishin' to keep away the scurvy dog's a'the astral plane, arrrrrr!



:laugh: Quote made by a person in the wicca-chatroom on DALnet. We were discussing traditions, and I wanted to be a pirate-witch..I still do! :2bounce:


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 20 2006,10:11 pm

:laugh: "White & Nerdy" busted me up too. Weird Al rocks! :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 20 2006,10:19 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
No, he was buying one of L. Ron Hubbard and was shock to find his own face staring back at him! :doh:
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:eyemouth: LMAO! A.K.A. Enron Hubbard....... A D.J. on a college station I used to listen to called that wanker L. Ron Blowhard once (well, actually, more than once, like throughout the whole show!). :laugh: :clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 20 2006,10:25 pm

:eyemouth: Chicken farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
:shake: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 21 2006,10:53 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 21 2006,10:20 pm

Everybody should use this system. Seems good to me. :worm:

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's
used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several
empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and
several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun
shop for ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with
the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think
Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from
all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better
wait outside


:clap2: :laugh: :beer: :headbang:
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Oct. 24 2006,11:09 pm

Fun with Marilyn Monroe:

Dildos Are A Girl's Best Friend

The French are glad to die for love.
They delight in fighting duels.
But I prefer a man who's rubber
With plastic family jewels.

A kiss on the hand
Might get a girl hot,
But dildos are a girl's best friend.

A kiss may be grand
But it won't find a g-spot
The way your rubber will
You could say you're a lucky girl

Men grow cold
As girls grow old,
And we all lose our charms in the end.

But square-cut or pear-shaped,
These cocks don't loose their shape.
Dildos are a girl's best friend.

There may come a time
When a lass needs a lawyer
But dildos are a girl's best friend.

There may come a time
When a hard-boiled employer
Tries to get in your pants
But you won't need his snake dance

It's your guy
When no dicks are high,
Don't worry, it won't descend.

You don't have to worry
If you're done in a hurry
Dildos are a girl's best friend.

I've heard of affairs
That are strictly sex-free
But dildos are a girl's best friend.

And I think affairs
That you must keep ex-free
Are better bets
If little pets get big baguettes.

Time rolls on,
And your man is gone,
Or he can't straighten up when you bend.

Dildos are a girl's best friend.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 24 2006,11:22 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: Oh, ain't that the truth.  You don't have to take them to dinner or the movies, either.  They're much cheaper to relate to.  If only I'd known before it was too late.

Oh well.  

Classic.  I couldn't have done better myself.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 26 2006,4:51 am

Should this go in Rant & Rave? Oh, I dunno.

Onyhoo. . .Ya know, this really pisses me off! If my mama had been a chicken, I coulda been an omelette. But she wasn't, so I'm not, dammit!

I mean:

I'd rather be an omelette than a nose. Yes I would. I surely wouuuuuuuld. If I only couuuuuld.

(Apologies to Simon and Garfunkle. Well, no; not really, but ya know what I mean.)

Danu implied I have never been this far out in left field, but hey! That's what many days of sleep deprivation does to me. It also makes be about as obnoxious as possible. I mean, I'm in such a bad mood, if I see a car wreck and an individual splattered on the ground me first thought might be 'Hm! Cool! Pretty colours, and one less car on the road.'

Now, what happens when you say this in front of a cop?

Yeah! More guerrilla conversation.

Which reminds me. I think I should put on Craig's List that a 'mushroom tester' is available. Will work for Death.

Gods, I'm miserable. At least the painkiller worked on the headache, though.

Did I post my remorse on Carthage not winning the Punic Wars? Of course I did! Oh, the education system we could have. Oh, the pretty city landscaping and gardens. And best of all, we could still be sacrificing our children to Hamon Baal and Tanit. We could start with the brats in my apartment complex that keep me awake with their screaming (especially now), and proceed to the little bastitches than are carted off to school outside of their district, helping add 10 minutes to my commute time every morning.

(More conversation material for in front of cops, family dinners, etc. . .)

How's that for ego?

I'm still in the lead for most obnoxious Westgater, right? I mean this takes the cake AND the icing?


AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!  WHEN WILL IT END?!!!!!!!!!


Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 27 2006,12:53 am

Mmm..omelette tasty..
Posted by: Ayerz on Nov. 02 2006,9:01 am

< Hello Cthulhu >  :eyemouth:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 02 2006,10:02 am

tee hee
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 04 2006,9:32 am

A threat, though idle it be:

Tell management I'm gonna wear my company shirt with my company towel tied around my neck, run around humming the Batman theme, whilst occassionally yelling the name of the company (whilst having fist in the air), and filming it to put it on YouTube.

Man, if I actually did that!

And at the end, say:  "With employees like this, how can you go wrong?  We take our jobs VERY seriously."


Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 04 2006,10:15 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: i DARE you to actually do that, Morgan!
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Nov. 04 2006,1:10 pm

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: My gods, that is brilliant.

I love Hello Cuthulu too.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 05 2006,11:48 am

I don't have the recording equipment to do that. Sorry Holden.  I will tell management of the concept, though.

Anyways. . .why I can't be a Gatekeeper:

"What the hell are you so upset about? How many lives have you lived already, and you're upset about losing this one? I mean, 'tardville U.S.A., ya know? What is wrong with you? You like intestines, bladders, acne, taxes, physical pain, failing senses, slaving away hell knows how many hours a week to spend how little time in respite and discretionary time? And how much were you in debt? You miss that? All the sleep you lost from worrying over your stupid decisions in life that buried you so deep you could never get out? Sheesh! During my last life, I was so contemptuous of myself and my decision to be alive that I didn't want anything to do with myself. And HOW many kids did you have? Gods, if I were a 'brain-eater', I'd be dead before I left you, from starvation."


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Nov. 05 2006,8:16 pm

:eyemouth: If I were to do a joke job promo, it would be a parody of a parody, namely Weird Al's "White & Nerdy", but re-done & re-titled as "White & Nady"....... :headbang: :worm:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Nov. 05 2006,8:20 pm

:laugh: Gotta Love Old Men

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I
noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:beer: :clap2:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 06 2006,11:40 pm

ah, man, that is PRECIOUS! :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2: i don't suppose you were fortunate enough to have captured that moment on videotape?
Posted by: Jentzi on Nov. 07 2006,6:50 am

:laugh:  :clap2:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Nov. 08 2006,9:49 pm

:eyemouth: Heh, heh! Video would be a nice touch! Would have to Youtube something like that for sure! :clap2:
Though I have witnessed & participated in things about this funny, this one was actually a joke I found....... :worm:


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Nov. 08 2006,9:55 pm

Sweaty Nuns

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?" :eyemouth: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 09 2006,7:27 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Jentzi on Nov. 09 2006,9:03 am

:laugh:  :clap2:  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 09 2006,10:34 am

Once I couldn't deposit a check in my room-mate's account. Next time it happens, I'll have to say, "Pardon me, but why not? I mean, I OWN this entity. He's a registered Dublin Whiskered Angora, and do you know how much I had to pay for him? Not to mention the import costs. I've had him so long; he even lost his accent. I mean, I got 'im when he was a kitten, ya know?

Now, aren't you glad ya'll don't live with me?  Never know what I'm gonna do to ya next, huh?  Now, I wonder if this is worse than the time I told a restaurant proprietress that Danu was a 'nose-drinker', and that his grandma taught him how to drink through his nose, and that he was from a long line of nose-drinkers, and I asked if she wanted to see him do it.  (She said no.)
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 10 2006,2:25 pm

248 ways to annoy people:
< http://www.dbooth.net/internerd/annoy.cfm >

Hilarious.


Posted by: Jentzi on Nov. 10 2006,10:40 pm

:laugh:  "In accordance with prophecy"...Gods..The bad thing is, I dont know any ppl in my surroundings that would get that kind of humour. The idea to e-mail Microsoft about fake bugs in Windows XP cracked me up though!  :laugh:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 11 2006,11:25 am

:laugh: some of the ideas on that list might make good revenge techniques; then again, many of them are good ways to get your own ass kicked.
Posted by: Saintantress on Nov. 12 2006,7:48 pm

The glass eye one is great. Almost makes me wish I had one so I could try it! :laugh:


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 15 2006,10:18 am

Don't know why, but no one would answer me when I asked this question:

Death! You think it's better to go slow and fade away and savour every moment like a steak and lobster (I know I don't eat steak, but many do, so. . .) dinner at the Black Angus (Overpriced rip-off eatery. Only ate there once. Wasn't that good, but that's my opinion, and many disagree.), or to go fast like a 15 year old straight dude woulda gone at a young Pam Anderson???????????? (I saw a picture of her relatively un-modified. Nice. Man, the make-up and the porn-star look ruin her.)

I personally would rather go quick, but I don't seem to have a choice. Man, 610 days max is an awfully long time to wait for a culmination, ya know?


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 17 2006,12:48 pm

My first and last independent film:

BLOW JOBS

90 minutes of people blowing their noses.

(Yes, I'm kidding.  I don't have the resources to do anything that expensive for the sake of being stupid.)
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 17 2006,5:16 pm

:laugh: yet another possible concept for Youtube, equipment permitting! :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 18 2006,2:23 am

Do NOT, no matter how much you want to, taser yourself:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=159187 >

As for ther YouTube thang, no I will never be able to do that, but if anyone else wants to do an Andy Kaufman or an Andy Warhol (who else would be crazy enough to put out something so boring), feel free.  This is not an idea I'm going to copyright.  Trust me.


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Nov. 19 2006,3:01 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
My first and last independent film:

BLOW JOBS

90 minutes of people blowing their noses.

(Yes, I'm kidding. I don't have the resources to do anything that expensive for the sake of being stupid.)
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:eyemouth: For the benefit of others, the good news is that the soundtrack already exists, & is quite available, scroll down to the track "Orchestrated Nose Noises" on this page:

< http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=329839 >

It's a snotload of a blowout! :laugh: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Nov. 19 2006,3:16 pm

:laugh: I really had to LMAO completely on the TASER / stunner story, better him than the cat for sure when it came to testing!
I snagged another post from the same thread about some lame-ass MoFo who got an electric dog collar for his high-spirited beastie, & luckily for the dog he tested it on himself first (twice! ROFLMAO!)- read it & bust yer gut:

ME AND THE ELECTRIC DOG COLLAR...

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=159217 >

Now, I'm stuck thinking about some early '80s pop tune by Windy Leper......."Boys Just Wanna Get Stunned" :shake: :laugh: :eyemouth: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 19 2006,11:00 pm

Next time someone tells ya they're Roman Catholic, say, "So. . .you follow the religion of Adolf Hitler?"

A re-write from Meathead's "Thank God I'm and aetheist"---

I pray to every god in the Pantheon I stay and atheist for the rest of my life.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 22 2006,10:56 pm

19 things you probably didn't know about death:
< http://www.lifeinsure.com/information/19-things-about-death.asp >


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 22 2006,10:59 pm

Murphy, you shoulda been throttled at birth:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=159714 >
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 23 2006,9:16 pm

Man, I can make the most hard core male chauvenist look like Donna Reed.

Imagine a chick introducing her new boyfriend to her father, as: "Hey, daddy-o. Here's my latest twat plug!"

****************************************************

A good name for a kid: Stuart Meet.

****************************************************

An informative video on PMS:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY >


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 24 2006,1:53 pm

Uh. . .how could I NOT post this link?
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=159843 >

I sooooo agree with him on the garlic and rosemary.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 27 2006,12:00 pm

This totally busted me up:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=96196 >
Posted by: Jentzi on Nov. 29 2006,3:11 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Murphy, you shoulda been throttled at birth:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=159714 >
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


*blinks* OMG! Wilsons law is definitely something found in my life, over and OVER again!  :banghead:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 01 2006,12:13 pm

This is a Murphy thang:


< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=160513 >
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 02 2006,11:25 am

:laugh: funny stuff. hard to pick ONE favorite, though the first one is eminently quotable.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 03 2006,10:52 am

Not all of these are funny, but they are a trip:

< http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/311370/jokeid/84293 >

You guys may have seen some of these pics, but hey!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 08 2006,12:03 pm

Pictures of vehicular oopsies:
< http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2006/12/weird-truck-accidents.html >
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 09 2006,11:38 am

aw geez...that first one is just plain WEIRD.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Dec. 10 2006,2:48 am

Words not to confuse:

Kevorkian and Kerouac. "On The Road? Isn't that by Kevorkian?"

Stadivarius and Stratocaster. "I play my dad's old Stradivarius."

Masticate and masturbate. "Masturbate before you swallow."

All of these I learned from slips of my own tongue, I might add. The quotes are me. Oh, what fun. :laugh:


Posted by: Azothoth on Dec. 10 2006,10:03 pm

I'll give you fifty cents for the Stradivarius.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 23 2006,10:26 am

Wow!  Someone agrees with me on the 'tail' factor:
< http://www.bipolarworld.net/Stephen/ss2.htm >

Yeah, I keyed in 'people with tails'.  Couldn't find anything worthwhile. . .YET!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 31 2006,3:11 am

I've posted this sort of thing before.  There might be some new ones, here:

< http://www.rense.com/general74/dumbest.htm >

Bushisms.  50 of 'em.  Gods, and this guy es el presidente.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 31 2006,3:15 am

SORRYWE SNORTED YOUR SISTER:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=97425 >


Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 31 2006,11:43 am

:eek:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 01 2007,1:29 am

Man, I got this off of rense.com:
< http://video.google.co.uk/videopl....ight%3F >

How to handle telemarketers.

We screen our calls, so I never have to talk to them anymore, but still. . .

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

I did once let AT & T have it.  I told them they destroyed my very wonderful first company I worked for, and that I hoped they would shrivel up and die as a company; which they did, though their name got hijacked.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 01 2007,12:25 pm

:laugh: i never get telemarketers because i have a cell phone. before that, i screened ALL calls with my answering machine.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 01 2007,11:18 pm

A post I did on STA:

Can you still technically consider yourself a vegetarian if you ate the so called (illusory) powers that be?

I mean, to deliberately cause all this misery and destruction! How much stupider can you get?

On the other hand, so much of the population plays into their hands, so. . .

Hm. . .tempting to reclassify the human race as 'fauna'.

(My room-mate says: Homo Vegetabilis)

****************************************************

OK, I'd be 'Nostrilicus Vegetabilis', being I am alive, but. . .
Posted by: Stone White Clown on Jan. 05 2007,4:28 am

< Death, demons, and 8 balls.. > :smoke:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 05 2007,10:33 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 05 2007,1:35 pm

Heh-heh-heh.  Sounds like my life as of to-day, for a while.

Cute.
Posted by: Stone White Clown on Jan. 06 2007,2:24 am

Somewhat, sort of dark humour, well...

< http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders >

... if you're a spider, I guess. :cat:
Posted by: Ayerz on Jan. 06 2007,3:44 pm

:laugh:  :laugh: I saw this a few days ago, hysterical.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 07 2007,2:08 am

Totally.  Danu transferred it to other message boards.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Jan. 07 2007,12:43 pm

:laugh: :laugh:

Here's a concept: Stand up on a picnic table in a park and break into song. Don't stop until you finish the song, and make sure to do a big finish. Then run before people start throwing things.

(Yes, I have done this. There was nobody in the park though, so that kinda killed the effect. Oh well.)
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 07 2007,10:52 pm

Fun to do that with 'Witch Doctor'.  No, I haven't done it.  I won't, now.  Too much work.  I try to deviate from the daily routine as little as possible, these days.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Jan. 07 2007,10:54 pm

I don't know that song, I'll look it up. I did it with 'Mama Mia'. Slightly off-key too. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2007,12:03 am

Oh gods! That's a good one. Witch Doctor. Look it up.

Oo ee, oo ah ah. Ting tang, walla walla bing bang. . .

It's stupid, part of it is semi-spoken, and most people can't stand it. I think it's as funny as hell.

I can burp what I keyed in of it.


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Jan. 08 2007,12:18 am

Oh, that one. I heard it on the radio once and had it stuck in my head for a week. Never knew the title though.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2007,10:36 am

If you hate your kid, buy it:

< http://shiveredsky.blogspot.com/2006....or.html >
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2007,4:31 pm

Why do we. . .

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=164450 >
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 09 2007,2:53 pm

Alternate Store Names:
< http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthr....umber=1 >
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 11 2007,11:42 am

A video on the intelligence of the general U.S. public.  I about died laughing, though I should be scared:

< http://funhouse.bubble.ro/352/Why_People_Believe_Americans_Are_Stupid/ >

It's nice not having anything vested in anything.  I don't have to care.
Posted by: Jentzi on Jan. 13 2007,4:29 am

I actually feel RELIEVED, in a way. :laugh: Except when it comes to invading Kyrgyztan..I mean, sheesh..


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 15 2007,11:58 am

Uh, an article on Saudi Arabia banning the letter 'X', because it kinda sorta resembles the cross:

< http://www.nysun.com/article/46707 >

The cross!  Execution tool.  OKaaaaaaaaay!  Stoning is so much more civilised.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 21 2007,3:52 pm

:eyemouth: Yes! Especially when really good drugs are used. :clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 21 2007,3:56 pm

GET R DONE

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor
Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside
his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it
inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies
descend on Virgil's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find
no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the
Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

:eyemouth: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 21 2007,10:07 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 24 2007,12:19 pm

Gods, they can't be serious!  A title to a Rumermillnews.com post:

Rumor: BUSH WILL HAVE US ON THE GOLD STANDARD IN 30 DAYS

Uh. . .just exactly how much gold does the U.S. government have, anyway?  3 or 4 ounces?  Until they make owning private gold illegal, in which case they rip everyone off again one. . .more. . .time. . .

(I don't have none.  I HATE yellow metals.  I'm a silver fiend, though I don't have very much of that, either.  Actually, I like any shiny white metal, steel included.  I don't care about the value, just the look.)
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 28 2007,10:00 am

The joke on the bottom is what's so funny, but the whole  message is worth reading:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=166986 >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 29 2007,11:53 pm

:eyemouth: LMAO big time! That joke reminds me so much of the psychotic bean counters at my day job!
:shake: :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 29 2007,11:57 pm

The Rage Of Aquarius

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then Bush will lose the planets
And Cheney will sell the stars

This is the dawning of the Age of Embarrassment.
The Age of Embarrassment.
Embarrassment! Embarrassment!

Treachery and pure grandstanding
Syncophancy and lust abounding
No illusion of good decisions
Pure greed coloring our visions
Mythic callous revelation
In the name of false liberation
Embarrassment! Embarrassment!

When the moon is in the Seventh House
and Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then Bush will lose the planets
And Cheney will sell the stars

This is the dawning of the Age of Embarrassment.
The Age of Embarrassment.
Embarrassment! Embarrassment!

As the bombs go screaming through the night
We stagger towards the dawn of day
To be the bearers of the slaughter
Our might will lose its way

We are dispirited in the age of Embarrassment
The age of embarrassment.
Embarrassment! Embarrassment!

Treachery and pure grandstanding
Syncophancy and lust abounding
Firepower illumination
Inciting political constipation
Travelling our sorry courses
Attacked by enemy forces
No fair for us, nefarious


This was lifted from a friend's bulletin on MySpace, too good to pass up! :clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 02 2007,10:09 am

How me and Danu could drive a guest to run like hell.  I just bought a box of Clementine tangerines (Not a very good box.  Barely edible.).  Imagine if someone was sitting at the table, and everytime me or Danu grabbed one, we'd sing that 'Oh My Darlin'' song, munching down the tangerine after 'lost and gone forever'.  I mean during each and every tangerine, and start singing the minute you pick it up, sometimes whilst the other nose is in the middle of the song already.  

Oh yeah!  Slightly off key, to make it more annoying.
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on Feb. 02 2007,10:25 pm

That is brilliant. I stated eating those awhile ago, trying, unsuccessfully, to drink less coffee so I actually sleep. I go through 10 or 11 at a time. I'll have to do that. (Side Dish is going to shoot me. :eyemouth:)
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 02 2007,10:32 pm

Oh man!  I've done it at work a couple of times, by the way.  Not tangerine after tangerine, but. . .
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 04 2007,2:52 am

John Howard joke:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=167750 >


Word game results:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=167761 >

This one was pretty funny.


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 10 2007,6:11 am

Something about a Purina diet:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=168451 >

This really busted me up, because at work the night before, I was joking around about Nature's Recipe chicken, dry cat food, and how I had some on a bowl on the coffee table for guests. I actually had to explain I was joking, and that I don't even have a coffee table, but the cat food really is good.

(I usually grab a handful when I put it out for whoever comes by.)


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 10 2007,8:42 pm

Making fun of the chicken crossing the road thing:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=168532 >

Some of 'em are pretty funny.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 11 2007,10:50 am

i like the Ernest Hemingway answer.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 15 2007,12:36 am

That's the best Westgate answer of the lot.

A contemplation for a sign to put on the front door:

BEWARE OF TORC WEARING, WOAD PAINTED, NAKED BERSERKER CHICK WITH BASEBALL BAT.

I mean, who the fuck knows what a claymore is, as far as the general public goes, ya know?

I can't wait to tell my apartment manager that one. Heh-heh-heh.


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 16 2007,7:00 pm

50 most hated people:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=169182 >

Link to a link, becasue I'm having dial-up problems, but this is as funny as fuck.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 18 2007,4:28 am

I can't believe people like this exist.  I find it even harder to believe, we have one in office:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=169257 >

I'd be scared if I cared, but I don't; so I'm having trouble typing, 'cause I'm laughing so hard.  In fact, I'm having trouble staying seated in the chair.

Man, and in the past I had an opportunity to MOVE to Texas.  I'm glad I didn't.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 18 2007,12:35 pm

well, i do care, so this FRIGHTENS me. same old shit though...remember John Ashcroft?
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 18 2007,2:21 pm

How can anyone forget?
Posted by: Leilah on Feb. 18 2007,6:02 pm

I told you that they all had license to crawl out from under their proverbial rocks under the protection of Saint Dubya.

Wait, that will soon change once again. It'll be hard shoving them back where they belong though. :banghead:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 24 2007,4:19 am

Let's try this again. No apologies to Richard Marsh, I mean Sky Sunshine Saxon:

You're snorflin' too hard, uh-snorflin' on me
You're snorflin' too hard, uh-what you want my nose to be
You're snorflin' too hard about the nose you blow
You're snorflin' too hard every night or so
You're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)

Well all my nose wants is to just be free
Flare my nostrils the way I wanna be
All I want is to just have fun
Blow my nose like it's just begun
But you're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)

Well, better flare, my girl and what I'm tellin' you
You better flare those nostrils, or we are through
You better stop all your snorflin' around
Stop your snot runnin' all over town
'Cause you're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)

Well I know there's a lotta nares in the sea
I know some would-uh snorfle by me
So if you don't think I'm gonna try
You better ask yourself when the snot runs dry
'Cause you're snorflin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)

Snorflin' too hard, pushin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard, pushin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard, pushin' too hard
Snorflin' too hard on me (too hard)

Well, the drugged out loser parasite does at least have one good thing going for him. He is an animal rights activist, but other than that. . .I am soooooo glad I never met 'im. Danu wasn't so lucky.

Danu pulled a good one, though. Sky's a vegetarian, Danu met him during our meat eating days, so he just HAD to order some pork chops to rile Sky. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall.


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 28 2007,11:25 am

A math thang:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=170466 >
Posted by: Jentzi on Feb. 28 2007,4:41 pm

This is scary..Yes, its funny, but he is not alone in believing that *shudders*

I am so glad that there arent ppl that behave like that here. Yet.  :worm:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 28 2007,11:03 pm

Actually, I think it's a joke.  I hope it's a joke, anyway.

Not gonna say it's too far in left field to be reality, for so am I, but. . .
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 24 2007,11:55 am

Oh, it's hell to be a kid:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=173153 >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Mar. 24 2007,9:16 pm

E-Moonicons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!
Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed
with people laughing at your e-mail.

This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't
have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheers,
(_E=mc2_)

:headbang: :beer: :clap2:


Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 25 2007,7:30 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Jentzi on Mar. 28 2007,4:51 am

XD And here I was wondering about inventing new expressions!  :laugh:
Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on April 09 2007,10:13 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ >

Ted Haggard.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bja2ttzGOFM >

Defenders of Marriage.


Posted by: HOLDEN on April 09 2007,10:58 pm

ROFLMAO :laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on April 17 2007,11:34 am

e-mail from Danu:

So, that latest school massacre in Virginia- I could have sworn I saw something on the web over the weekend, but apparently it didn't happen 'til yesterday- prophetic dream perhaps(?). Psy Op almost for sure.......
  Instead of "Goin' Postal" as an expression, it's probably turning into "Goin' Scholastic".......
Posted by: Morgan on April 19 2007,11:29 am

More on Insensitivity Training 101:

School Shooting At Virginia Tech

A co-worker asked if I'd heard of what happened. I nonchalantly said, "Yeah."

He said, "It was 30 people."

(Actually, I thought it was 32, but whatever.) Of course I had to comment, "170 something (Last I heard, it was over 200, but that was all I knew at the time.) were killed in Baghdad. Those numbers are better, but they're still not worth ordering a pizza over."

Killer conversations I have at work. Don't ya'll wish you worked with me? (It gets worse. Remember the non-Hallmark cards? :eyemouth: )


Posted by: Leilah on April 19 2007,6:19 pm

I don't get why ANYONE is shocked over this sort of thing anymore. Folks, this is part of living in the modern world, like it or not, we live in violent times. Deal with it!

I agree with ya on the Bagdad comment, Morgan, but to most American (i.e."blind") eyes Virginia Tech students score more fatality points than ANYONE in Iraq, American, or not. Sad!
Posted by: Morgan on April 19 2007,11:29 pm

I've met tons of people from foreign countries.  More than half our staff is foreign born, and they're all totally kewel.  I was hired by a guy from Uganda, who doesn't work there anymore, since my company is real hard on management.  I really miss him a lot.
Posted by: Morgan on April 22 2007,8:32 am

Andre, I finally had time to watch those.  Hilarious!
Posted by: Jentzi on April 23 2007,2:14 pm

< http://www.bored.com/sillypuns/index.htm >

Strange puns..Some are repeating themselves, but it still gives a chuckle reading them :)
Posted by: Morgan on April 23 2007,2:20 pm

Appreciated, Jentzi.  They're funny as hell.
Posted by: boneshadow on April 24 2007,7:43 pm

thank you those were fun to read.
Posted by: Morgan on April 25 2007,12:02 pm

Courthouse Humour:

No, this didn't happen. . .yet.

Jury duty interview:

Them: Do you believe in the death penalty?

Me: I don't believe in rewarding people for breaking the law. No, I don't believe in the death penalty.

Them: You think applying the death penalty is a reward?

Me: Yes. Then at least they wouldn't have to do jury duty.
Posted by: Leilah on April 25 2007,6:19 pm

:laugh: Good one, Morgan, I'll remember that!  :laugh:

BTW, the "defenders of Marriage" song was GREAT!!! His other stuff isn't too bad either.
Posted by: Morgan on April 25 2007,6:52 pm

Inspired by mine own tribulations.  Thank you.  And they wanna send me to Oakland?  Fuckin' Oakland?  How much higher is the population density of Oakland, than Hayward?

I guess they can't find enough non-felons?  Or is the non-justice system in favour of honkey-gringo-cracker jury boxes?

Oooooooooh. I'm gonna have fun ova theya.  Maybe I can start a revolution.  And remind me to ask "At what age does you thinks childrun stop becomin' food products and staaat becomin' people?"  Also gotta do my best 'Suthun redneck' accent, and say 'ax' instead of ask, all the time.
Posted by: boneshadow on April 25 2007,11:52 pm

i want to be a fly on the wall when you ask that. i want to be a fly anyway, flies are cool.
Posted by: Morgan on April 26 2007,12:09 am

Not in my apartment, you don't.  If you shapeshift into a fly here, you might be fed to a spider.  If you don't come in, I'll leave you alone, though.  

I don't like flying insects in the apartment.  Depending on what they are, I either catch them and throw them out, squish them, or feed them to an arachnid if one is available.
Posted by: boneshadow on April 26 2007,12:12 am

i must remember that.
Posted by: Leilah on April 26 2007,5:58 pm

Oooooo Oakland! Don't miss Mountainview Cemetery and the Chapel of the Chimes! I love Oakland! Lost a shoe there once while rolling down a 30 foot incline into a river in a cemetery....long story!
Posted by: Morgan on April 26 2007,6:55 pm

Depends on where you are, in Oakland. I personally never had problems there, but I've heard horror stories from others.
I used to go to Lake Merritt to gather feathers when I did my hair ties, wall decorations, whatever. That was cool.

When I took Brian to Highland for a broken ankle, a shooting victim was dragged in. I also talked to quite a few prostitutes. It was sad. They were pretty nice, but ye gods, the stories they had. They'll never get out, either. Seems like they made sure of that.

Hm!!!!!!

Oh yeah!  Dark, or rather toilet humour:

Digestive tract questions.

I ate a bag of corn in somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. Why does it take 24 hours to get rid of all of it? And the same with the Kim Chee with carrot chaser. Down it in no time, and spend the next day with nuclear drits and shizzles.

Also, how does 1 pound of carrots turn into 6 pounds of doo-doo?

(My supervisor is trying to get me to stop saying things with the word 'carrot' in them, for some strange reason.)

And now for something that actually is funny:
< http://www.shakesville.com/2007/04/omg_1.php >

(Shrubster pics.)


Posted by: boneshadow on April 27 2007,10:41 am

that is just so sad it is funny. do you think he ate too many carrots?
Posted by: Morgan on April 27 2007,12:44 pm

No, but he may be related to them.

Nahhhhhh!  I apologise to all carrots for insulting their intelligence.  I don't think our appointed president evolved past age 10, mentally.  I read he's still into fart jokes, and all that.  And look at the way he acts, and the stupid phantasy dress-up games he plays.

No concept of reality.

Then again, being in the family he's in, I wonder what kind of child abuse he suffered.  Not to mention the hazing of being a skull and boneser.

Not even I, with such a low rating on the dignity meter could live with myself after that.
Posted by: boneshadow on April 27 2007,3:23 pm

dress up games? i had not heard that one, now i am having these terrible mental images. speaking of games do you think that is how he views his presidentcy? like a big game of risk or somthing? i just scared myself. :cry:
Posted by: Leilah on April 27 2007,5:54 pm

Morgan, your pics just go to once again PROVE that Dubya is nothing more than a monkey in a suit   :laugh:

But, we've all already known that one. Very funny pics! Why the hell don't they show them on the 6 o clock news in every state, especially Texasssssssssssss
Posted by: Morgan on April 27 2007,6:07 pm

boneshadow, remember when he dressed up as a fighter pilot?  Stuff like that?

He probably considers like a game.  I mean, considering his mental age, and never having to take responsiblility for himself, 'cause daddy's money (which he managed to lose enough of) is always there to bail him out?

I don't see how that embarrassment of a 'man' hasn't been disavowed and disinherited.
Posted by: boneshadow on April 27 2007,7:29 pm

now i remember, i have a very bad memory. i would have disowned him a very long time ago. that is a wonderful idea leilah and then they should be rerun at eleven o'clock for the people who missed it at six.
Posted by: Morgan on May 02 2007,10:20 am

This is kinda old, but still:
< http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=263297 >

How stoopid can you get?
Posted by: Morgan on May 02 2007,2:18 pm

I got me some thar religious crap in the mail.  Sell me a blessing.  Go through all this ritual crap with a picture they sent me, check off what blessing you want, and send it back with a donation.  

I'm not going to do this, being it's not worth the trouble, but I thought about writing "I want to die before the year is up" on the list for my blessing wish, and send them a money order for the two postage stamps they had to use to get the package to me, and the S.A.S.E., and tell them that.

Maybe with an added note, "You know, my gods don't try to coerce donations out of me in exchange for help.  I think I'll keep my Pagan death gods for my primaries, but I suppose you can bless me anyway.  I mean, the more deities on my side, the merrier; no?"
Posted by: boneshadow on May 02 2007,8:48 pm

i got something like that in the mail, too. what is up with that?
Posted by: Morgan on May 03 2007,2:26 am

It is something to ignore, and throw away.  I guess their sheeple aren't tithing enough to make ends meet.
Posted by: Morgan on May 03 2007,1:27 pm

Truth really is stranger than fiction. I mean, the head of state of the country with the biggest technological military on the planet (I'm not talking personel. China has us outnumbered in cannon fodder units. We're actually second in active troops, though India is catching up.), is this:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=176852 >

THE COMMANDER GUY. This is what he's calling himself these days. What will it be to-morrow?

Yeah, riiiiiiiiiiiight. Puppet on a string. He couldn't command himself out of a wet paper bag.


Posted by: boneshadow on May 03 2007,6:13 pm

i think we would be better off with the chimp.
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 04 2007,3:40 pm

regarding the photos on that linked page... i really don't approve of insulting other animals by comparing them to humans, especially THAT human. (SERIOUSLY NOW)
Posted by: boneshadow on May 04 2007,7:43 pm

wow, i did not even think about that. now that i think of it if i were that chimp i would be insulted. :cussing:
Posted by: Morgan on May 05 2007,6:42 pm

To: Do You Hear What I Hear

Said the veggie seller to the customer,
"Mya artechokas."
Yes, the veggie seller to the customer,
"Mya artechokas.
They're green.
They're green.
Go good with mayonaise,
And they take forever to boil.
Yes, they take forever to boil."

dum DUM.


Posted by: Leilah on May 05 2007,6:48 pm

Now listen to what I say!
Listen to what I say,
creamed spinach,
and some mozzeralla cheese,
bake and stir if you please,
add a dash of parmasan cheese!

da DUM
Posted by: Morgan on May 06 2007,2:41 am

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Ye gods! Any more add ons? I gotta memorise these, and give 'em hell at work, next Christmas.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


Posted by: Adar-mortis on May 06 2007,5:13 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

Amorte!

Adar-mortis
Posted by: boneshadow on May 06 2007,10:29 am

how do you come up with this stuff? it is the funniest. :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 06 2007,2:44 pm

If you're talking to me, I stay awake days (I work graveyard), thinking of ways to push the buttons of the conventional idiots, I mean people.  The sheeple, ya know?  The braindead commoners like who MakaOwlWoman and KkaosPixie are a'biotichin' aboot.

It's part of being an Asshole to the 33rd Degree.  Obligatory to come up with this.  It's part of my life's contract.  Repeating myself; I'm so bad, I once got myself suspended from Westgate for a day for a link I posted.  (By the way, Leilah, Dan; I once got written up at work for bringing in an essay on the same subject, which really made some of my co-workers cringe.  It was the only time I'd ever been written up to that point.)

Cannibalism humour is NOT to everyone's taste.
Posted by: boneshadow on May 06 2007,5:00 pm

sounds like a fun passtime. a lot of people do not like jokes about medicinal maggots either. i wonder why?
Posted by: Morgan on May 06 2007,11:06 pm

One time a fly laid a bunch of eggs on some cat food, 'cause we keep the back door open all the time.  Well, they hatched, and I didn't see them until I picked up the garbage bag.  There was tons of them, and I had to clean them up.

It was time consuming, and it wasn't fun.  Kinda gross, but they do work.  I wouldn't be much affected by this type of conversation, though.  Great for quite little restaurants with a squeemish person next to you.
Posted by: boneshadow on May 07 2007,8:35 am

my aunt is terribly squimish so when ever she starts preaching at me i start talking about weird medical practices, like using maggots or leeches and she leaves me alone. talking about autopsies works too.
Posted by: Jentzi on May 07 2007,1:23 pm

You can always pull a very vivid description of bloodletting practices over the ages or explain how a limb was removed before we had the modern ways to do it. Should work, I think.

Or you could just tell her you thought of the grossest thing ever happening to someone, and -if- she asks what it is..

"A leech in the eye". If she does NOT run away then, theres no imagination in her head..Or maybe she just froze  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 07 2007,2:35 pm

Or you can do a print out of Bob Arson's essay, and give that to her.  That's the ultimate cannibalism joke. . .I think.  Just key his name in.  You can't miss it. :eyemouth:
Posted by: boneshadow on May 07 2007,2:58 pm

that is a great idea jentzi thanks, i never thought of blood letting. i remember talking to her about various kinds of self mortification once, she avoided me for about a month after. i will definitly check that out morgan, thank you.
Posted by: Kkaospixie on May 07 2007,3:28 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Or you can do a print out of Bob Arson's essay, and give that to her. That's the ultimate cannibalism joke. . .I think. Just key his name in. You can't miss it. :eyemouth:
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


hahaha yes!

That is pretty brutal indeed.  :smoke:
Posted by: Morgan on May 07 2007,5:25 pm

Bringing that to work is the only time I ever got written up when I was a lettershop operator.  My proudest moment.  I had to promise not to do it again.

But now, I work for another company.   :eyemouth:
Posted by: boneshadow on May 07 2007,8:19 pm

that Bob Arson guy was quite thorough, i must remember to print that out and pass it around at the next family gathering i attend, that ought to get me out of babysitting forever. :clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on May 08 2007,10:57 am

Glad to be of amusement to ya'll.  Now, I really ought to get off of my butt and post more Non Sequitur death stuff, for there's a lot of them I missed, but:

< http://www.uclick.com/client/smc/nq/2007/05/08/#more >
Posted by: boneshadow on May 08 2007,11:54 am

:laugh: i like it.
Posted by: Morgan on May 09 2007,3:39 pm

From Original Thread:

18. You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to "raise" children? Those who've never had any.

My response:

Add yeast?

I suppose I shouldn't say anything about baking for an additional 1/2 hour, so I won't.


Posted by: Morgan on May 10 2007,1:34 pm

George Bush and the Kraut Queen of England:
< http://www.rense.com/general76/hdat.htm >

Man, I wouldn't let the Shrubster out of the closet, much less the house; when anyone of any importance was about.

(I don't like Queen Lizardbreath, I must admit.  The Stuart line should be on the throne, not the Hanovers.  There's a lot of speculation of her having Diana killed, and I liked Diana.)
Posted by: Leilah on May 10 2007,5:52 pm

He epitomizes the "ugly american". No manners, no class, no brains. The Brits should be glad they lost the "colonies" in light of recent events.
Posted by: Morgan on May 11 2007,1:20 am

Like I'm gonna argue?

Onyhoo. . .I have declared myself retired from life.  Of course, I have the problem of not being dead yet, though I shall attempt to compensate by living my life like I am already dead, until I die.

(Try telling that to a few people.  Man, the reactions you get.)
Posted by: Morgan on May 12 2007,2:29 am

A writer I'm going to be a critic for, posted something hilarious about not spamming us with home enlargement or penis refinancing ads if we signed up for his newsletter.


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on May 12 2007,11:53 am

:laugh: That one's a classic.

< http://www.explosm.net/comics/862/ >


Posted by: boneshadow on May 12 2007,1:57 pm

that is funny. :laugh:
Posted by: boneshadow on May 12 2007,9:37 pm

not a classic, but funny.
< contemplating reiko >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on May 12 2007,9:50 pm

Yeah, I fell out when I heard about "home enlargement or penis refinancing ads"- LMAO!

Here's one a former co-worker of mine sent......sort of at the expense of democrats, but I thought it was a hoot anyway!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESUS and the Politicians

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her
to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,"Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability!"
:eyemouth: :beer:
Posted by: boneshadow on May 12 2007,9:59 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2007,9:04 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: to all of the above.

George Carlin stuff:

< http://blogzarro.com/?p=226 >
Posted by: boneshadow on May 13 2007,11:00 am

:laugh: i like him.
Posted by: boneshadow on May 13 2007,10:10 pm

this is one of my favorite foamy episodes.  

< illwillpress >


i know i have issues.
Posted by: Ninetales on May 14 2007,8:23 am

Check out this little site:
< http://www.bandersnatch.com/sorcery.htm >
It is funny as Hel!

Ninetales
Posted by: Morgan on May 14 2007,11:01 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

to both.
Posted by: Morgan on May 16 2007,9:17 am

'Nother way to get out of jury duty.

"Are you a felon?"

"Uh, is destroying U.S. currency a felony?" I'd theoretically say, as I pulled my wallet out of my pocket.

"Yes."

I take a fiver out of the wallet, and light it up. "I am now. So I don't have to do jury duty ever again?"

(As if, but it would make a hilarious sit-com scene, huh?)

Correction:  I read it is illegal to mess with money for fraudulant intent.  When I looked it up, it seems to be OK to have a bonfire with a few million bucks, but who's gonna do it?

Still, the joke stays, 'cause it's funny in concept, and it's like pick your own damn felony, so neener-neener.

(Link on currency destruction:
< http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=77334 >  )


Posted by: boneshadow on May 17 2007,10:04 pm

i know know a few people who would have a heart attack if they saw anyone do that to money. hey, there is your feloney. :skullgrin:
Posted by: Morgan on May 18 2007,12:30 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

I've also taken to wondering how many accidents you can cause by dropping a few $20.00 bills out the car window on a freeway/highway.

I'm not gonna do that.  I have too many artists and causes to support right now with with my 'money to burn'.
Posted by: Jentzi on May 18 2007,7:34 am

Some very strange jokes I fell over.


Q: Why didnt the undead cross the road after the chicken?

A: He didnt have the guts.


"Roses are grey, violets are grey...And Im dead and colourblind". <---- THATS from WoW, Im co-playing an undead mage-character. Hes funny! :D
Posted by: Morgan on May 18 2007,11:06 am

I really liked that first one.

Stupid qustions, smart-ass answers:
< http://www.wonderfulinfo.com/delightfulm/smartans.htm >
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 18 2007,2:47 pm

:laugh:these remind me of something i remember a long time ago from Mad Magazine...Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, by cartoonist Al Jaffee.
Posted by: Evendia on May 21 2007,8:20 am

It's been ages since I've been here, but I thought you might appreciate this post. I'm very fond of an online comic that was originally written in German, but it's been translated into English by now and I found it so hilariously funny that I thought to share it with you:

< Death and the Maiden >

Enjoy!  :beer:
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 25 2007,3:42 pm

idea for a statement on t-shirts & bumper stickers:

WHAT WOULD CTHULHU DO?

                    :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on May 27 2007,10:21 am

A new way to torture small children:

Tell them if they sleep on the same side every night, their brains will leak out of their ear, so they have to turn to the other side every couple of hours.

Should I write a manual?


Posted by: Andrew Von Poe on May 27 2007,10:51 pm

I used to think that as a small child, I think. Hm.

< http://www.humanforsale.com/ >

I'm worth $2,259,050


Posted by: Morgan on May 27 2007,11:47 pm

Quotes for the modern age:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=179085 >
Posted by: Morgan on May 30 2007,1:14 pm

Abortion: Just a way of telling someone to get a later ride.

Great bumpersticker for a hick town, huh?

Weeeeeeell, I suppose it's better than what they did to them in Carthage.

Which reminds me. Us old-timers know what I do to song lyrics, don't we?

Now, isn't there a song with the lyrics, "chestnuts roasting on an open fire?"

Oh, I can't wait until the weekend.

Oh man! And we have a Temple of the Raspy Tongue across the street! I can't wait to do a seranade over Christmas, even more.

(Heh-heh-heh.) :eyemouth: :2bounce: :eyemouth:

*****************************

Oh, I just couldn't wait.  So I lost a little sleep.

A Luau Song

Children roasting on an open fire.
Noozhlers nyipping at your nose.
Carthage carols being sung by a fire,
And folks dressed up in picnic clothes.

Everybody knows a rug rat. An alarming woe
That keeps one awake all night. (Once.)
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Basted with garlic butter lite.

They know that the cook's on his way.
He's loaded lots of poi. The Polynesian sway
Is the course to go, and you all know why.
Experience here for quite a good stir fry.

So I'm sitting here in a pleasant daze.
On kids from one to ten and two
I have quite well fed many times, many ways.
Happy feasting, happy feasting, happy feasting to you.


Posted by: Morgan on June 03 2007,10:11 am

This ain't nowhere near as funny as my own shit (Modest?  Me?  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  Riiiiiiiiiight!), but I thought it was kinda funny.  How and why to become an illegal alien:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=105093 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 07 2007,12:03 pm

I love children. . .WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of "shit on a stick", I prefer, "roasted baby on a stick."

Instead of "Baby On Board", I prefer "Baby Cooking On Engine Block".

Now, where can I find a sign like that?

(Yesssssss! I have issues. In fact, the other night, I came across two posters in my run. One was a picture of a guy holding a snake, the other was the same guy holding a baby, so I showed them to a few people, and said, "Snake. . .snake food." I got mixed reactions.)

I am aware that many may consider this post in bad taste, but. . .

:eyemouth: Oh, maybe I should quit while I'm behind.  (While I'm bein' a rump roast?)

(On the other hand, I don't leave myself out. I've taken to saying, "Back in the old days, when I was still an entree. . .")

That should cover me for about a month on the cannibalistic comments, no?


Posted by: Morgan on June 10 2007,11:12 pm

Interesting names of towns:
< http://www.drivl.com/posts/view/851 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 13 2007,1:10 pm

100 most unsexiest men.  This is hilarious.  Ann Coulter made the list.
Posted by: Leilah on June 13 2007,6:40 pm

Let me add a few from my state, Louisiana;

Butt La Rose

Grosse Tete

Dry Prong

Krotz Springs

Waterproof !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on June 13 2007,11:34 pm

:eyemouth: Don't ask grandma :eyemouth:

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes,
I know you."


The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the
defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was
your wife. Yes, I know him."


The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."



:clap2: :headbang: :2bounce:
Posted by: Morgan on June 14 2007,10:50 pm

Multi-tasking produce:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=180526 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 15 2007,11:42 am

I have come to the conclusion that when I have a problem with gas, I am temporarily carbonated, and when the problem goes away, I have gone flat.


Posted by: Morgan on June 19 2007,11:13 pm

Proverbs!  Give me proverbs:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=180900 >

Might be a repost, but hey!  Good review.
Posted by: Morgan on June 21 2007,11:23 pm

Work Vs: Prison:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=181097 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 22 2007,10:30 am

This is great.  Brilliant.  Say the word aloud, and don't pay any attention to the spelling.  You'll get it faster:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=181174 >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on June 23 2007,1:08 am

:eyemouth: LMAO! Those read like I made 'em up myself.
:laugh: :clap2:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on June 23 2007,1:15 am

:eyemouth: Now, a little treat from a friend on my own forum who posted some priceless lyrics.......


Another in a long series of Adolf Feiss lyrical rewrites

YOU ARE THE CROWD OF CREMATION
YOU ARE THE CROWD OF CREMATION
AND YOU AIN'T GOING 6 FEET BELOW



SOON YOU'LL URN THE STABILITY YOU STRIVE FOR
IN A DUSTY SPACE ON THE MANTEL

PLACED AMONG THE FOSSILS OF OUR TIME



THOUGH DEATH , IT BE NOT KIND
AND IT WILL OBLITERATE OUR MIND
IN A SURCEASE TO THE DAILY GRIND
WE CANNOT CONTINUE WITH OUR FUNCTION



DEATH IS CHANGE
DOES IT DIFFER FROM THE ROCKS?
I'VE SEEN THEIR GRAVES TOO OFTEN FOR MY LIKING
NO PLOT TO GAIN
MY LIFE WILL NOT SURVIVE
TO THINK SO IS JIVE

UP YOURS!

(Feral Duck)

:laugh: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Columbine on June 23 2007,9:39 am

This is a cartoon that doesn't exist, because I can't draw.

Azrael, wearing a fluffy green garland, is talking to Gabriel (you can tell it's Gabriel because sie has a horn).

Gabriel:  What's with the parsley?

Azrael:  I'm the Wages of Sin, and I've been garnished.
Posted by: Morgan on June 23 2007,11:37 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: Ye gods!
Posted by: Morgan on June 24 2007,12:36 am

MY WAYS ARE CATCHING ON! I'M GONNA RULE THE WORLD SOME DAY!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, riiiiiiiight!

Still, an STA poster put this up, just for me:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=181312 >

Children's Books That Didn't Sell. Gods, that list busted me up. I ended up hitting send and I didn't know I didn't key in the G when I signed up, so I'm Moran instead of Morgan, but oh well. I can live with it.


Posted by: Morgan on June 25 2007,11:21 am

15 Tests To Do To find Out If You Want Children Before You Have Children:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=181491 >

I don't hate myself that much, thank you.  I never did.
Posted by: Morgan on June 26 2007,3:30 pm

I dinna ken where I come oop with this shite:

Something to ask your biology teacher:
Are farmed shrimp, like hydroponically grown?
Posted by: Morgan on June 30 2007,11:15 am

I asked an individual at work, of African descent, "Hey!  If I wore a 'Viva La Aztlan T-shirt, and a red bandanna to  Oakland, and said 'Yo momma' a lot, despite the fact I'm a honkey-gringo-cracka, how long would I last?"

Kevin, after picking himself up off the floor from laughing so hard: said, "You'll probably last a while.  You'll probably make it home."

"But it will get me out of jury duty?"

"Yeah."

Then I tell my Filipino supervisor the same thing, and he says,
says,  "In Oakland, to get shot, you gotta wear a blue bandanna."

"Thanks for the information."

"Morgan, you scare me."

Actually, maybe I should get a T-shirt that says "Viva La Mara Salvatrucha-13" in front, and "They Kill Politicians" in back.

Or would that get me arrested?  I mean, freedom of speech seems to have gone out the door.  Looks like you won't even be able to do independent photography and video in NYC on public property, in a while, without a permit and a million dollars liability insurance.  Not even tourists?  Can't have a tripod up for more than 10 minutes, including set-up time?  Can't have people filming 'the law gone bad', can we?  No more police brutality flicks?  

Proposed law.  But how's about if you film from inside a store front.  That's not city property.  

Man, I think, NYC should be boycotted.  I've been there, and I say, no great loss.  The weather sucks, it's filthy, crowded, over tolled, expensive, and no great loss.  I can't see why anyone would go there.
Posted by: Leilah on June 30 2007,6:56 pm

Hey Morgan...Don't trash my hometown, New Yawk.... Yeah, it's sad that Bloomburg runs wild with his no smoking, no cussing, no nothing attitude, but do you think New Yawka's give a crap? Nah!

Oh, by the way, it is NO LONGER "filthy". He cleaned that up too along with all the whores on 42nd street. It is now "family friendly".  :eyemouth:

I can recall walking down 42nd street in the 70's and the ONLY thing you heard was "Live Nude Girls...Wanna be one?"
I always thought "Dead Nude Girls..." would have attracted more of the touristas... but maybe it's just me waxing nostalgic. :hippy:
Posted by: Morgan on June 30 2007,7:35 pm

The 70's was the last time I was there.  Nothing but bad memories.  Being taken to some of the worst parts of it didn't help.  Step-grandpa was in an old mental hospital, step-grandma lived in a cluttered, dirty dilapidated 3 story Victorian that made the Addam's household look like something out of Good Housekeeping, urine smells in the vicinity outside, and that's what I went on.

I didn't see the red-light district.  Just the po' districts.  Sorry to hit a nerve.  (When I went through Boston for the HP classes in Littleton, I didn't like that, either.  Those old brick apartments that go 5 stories up and all?  Blocks and blocks of them?  That grates on me like no to-morrow.)
Posted by: Leilah on July 01 2007,7:11 pm

Oooo, the 70's were probably the WORST time to see NYC... It was BAD back then, I know. I was there. And the mental hospitals made Heraldo Rivera famous with his NYC exposes of the horrors that occurred there behind closed doors.

Things have changed a great deal in the Crabby Apple, but Boston,,,eek! Even that wasn't my cup of tea. Went there in 1980, around the Harvard Square area and couldn't believe how BAD the racism was up there with white Harvard students yelling obscenities at black Harvard students and vice versa. I stayed at the WYCA in Cambridge and saw WAY too many prostitutes and roaches... If it wasn't for the fact that I hooked up with a British chick who was "sightseeing" the US, I never would have made it. She served me up some home brewed "fire water" and the next thing I remember we had walked all the way to Boston, in the dark on the freeway..  :shake:  My feet had sores for weeks afterward.

Anywho....ALL cities have their "dark side", That's usually where you find the real people hanging out....oh, and Boston is FULL of fucking scientoloigists.
Posted by: Morgan on July 01 2007,11:05 pm

I just hope I ever have to go there again.  No more business trips.  I think I'll get my wish.  I HATE being without the cats, and Sable cries for me when I take the garbage or the laundry down.  The best 'boyfriend' I ever had.
Posted by: Morgan on July 05 2007,1:53 am

Ever see something, and you just had to look again to make sure you actually saw it the first time, be it good, bad, or indifferent? I hope you guys forgive me for posting this, as you watch, with lower jaw dropped, eyes wide open, in a cataplectic state, no believing anyone could actually put something like this out.

Apache:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTKL8MNH95Q >

Tommy Seebach.  Gods, I could never show my face in public again, after a stint like that.  (Oh, not really; but this guy can out-nose a nose, ya know?)


Posted by: Morgan on July 05 2007,7:09 am

Sarcasm Central:
< http://www.anvari.org/fortune....ic.html >
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2007,10:47 am

Squirrel beats the shit out of a macho biker, and some cops:
< http://www.gwrra.org/OFFICERS/smile/0805.html >
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2007,10:51 am

Musician's renvenge:
< http://www.glumbert.com/media/phoneconcert >

Considering how I feel about cell phones, I really loved this one.
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 16 2007,11:28 am

:clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:

i feel the same about inconsiderate cell phone users! phuk 'em!
:bash:

i own one myself, but guess what? it's OFF most of the time.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on July 23 2007,11:03 pm

:eyemouth:
Only In America...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.



:shake: :laugh: :worm:
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 24 2007,10:38 am

:laugh: i especially liked #3. :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 26 2007,11:08 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

And now, a Bono joke:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=184115 >
Posted by: Morgan on July 26 2007,11:14 pm

New way to torture children:

Tell 'em if they hold their farts in for too long, they'll float away. But no matter how tempting it is to do that, don't. It's too hard to have a controlled landing. If you eventually fart too much, too soon, you'll be crashing back to Earth at terminal velocity, and go splat.

(Or did I already post this?)
Posted by: boneshadow on Aug. 01 2007,10:30 pm

oh, i needed that. one of the worst things about not having access to the internet is not getting to read all the funny things everyone posts everyday. thank you.


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 02 2007,11:51 pm

Oh, forum member; please forgive me, but this is something I just gotta get out of my system:

Hey Donn!  We're on the verge of getting published!  So, can I call myself your GHOST writer?

' :bash:  :bash:  :bash: '
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 03 2007,8:03 pm

This actually happened at work.  My super was complaining that the lamination room was too hot, I said i agree, he said he thought he was the only one, I asked him how old he was, he said 28, I said that's too young for hot flashes, he said stop it Morgan.

Same night:

They are having a pot luck because our lead tech (the best in the company) went to day shift.  I didn't go.  When I saw him, I said Communist-Nazi deserter, he said I wouldn't desert you.  Have I ever deserted you?  I said no, so you'll still drop by to listen to all my silly jokes, he said yes, then I said I didn't go to the pot luck because I don't do pot lucks, and I don't celebrate tragedies.  Your going to day shift is a tragedy, like the birth of a child or something.  If I'm gonna party hearty, take me to a wake, huh?  He said if I die, THEN I'm gonna desert you.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 12 2007,8:12 am

A few of these are mighty funny.  Most kinda flat, but those few made it worth it.  Pics from New Zealand:
< http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2007....ictures >
Posted by: bornunderacursedmoon on Aug. 16 2007,9:51 am

So, my daughter Julia just started middle school...

My husband told her, "your growing up so fast! Some day, your mom and I are going to live with you, and you'll take care of us"...

She scoffed and replied, "WHATEVER! I putting you two in a nursing home!"

LMAO!!!!! :laugh:


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 30 2007,10:42 pm

Why you let a person finish the day before firing them.

Revenge can be soooooo sweet:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=187153 >

Check out the whole thread.  It's hilarious.


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 09 2007,3:05 am

Raspy Tongue Joke:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=188004 >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 10 2007,12:37 am

Heh, heh! That Cat-lick joke was a screamer! :clap2: :beer:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 10 2007,12:42 am

Southern Boys
~*~*~*~*~*

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes. "

:clap2: :eyemouth: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 10 2007,11:02 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 11 2007,12:47 am

:eyemouth: SMELL the GLOVE :eyemouth:

I saw a reference to "Smell the Glove" online last
Saturday & decided to do a search, including Spinal Tap.
Another funny thing is at work a co-worker kids around
about the general toxic atmosphere at times by saying
"feel the love?!" The reply I came up with is
"Smell the Glove!"- made all the goofier because of the
fact I wear latex gloves at work.
Anyway, on with the show....... Cheers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The real deal (scratch & sniff, baby!)

Spinal Tap black album

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlynf--lsxA >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spinal Tap Reunites for Live Earth To Fight Global Warming

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxSvF8iNEPg >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Smell the Glove - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

< http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smell_the_Glove >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The Spinal Tap influences over time.......

Smell the Glove (cover band) - (I about lost it when this
came up! They play gigs, too).

< http://www.myspace.com/smellthegloverocks >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Image results for smell the glove -(a bunch of this stuff
made me LMAO!).

< http://images.google.com/images?....t=title >

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Heavy Petters - "Smell the Glove" - (yeah, they actually
took the album title & ran with it! Released in late 2006!).

< http://www.freakyflowrecordings.com/#1:1:12 >


:laugh: :clap2: :beer: :headbang: :beer: :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 14 2007,11:09 am

404 Error pages:
< http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2007/08/17/404-error-pages-reloaded/ >

A lot of these are pretty funny.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 21 2007,8:54 am

This actually made me laugh.  An alleged Ann Coulter quote:

"I'm a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it."
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 22 2007,7:50 am

Ahhhhhh!  George W. Bush!  The one man who can make a tennis ball look brilliant:


< http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donnie-....24.html >
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 23 2007,8:42 am

:laugh:  I dont really know how to react to that one! Oh my gods, I think Im going to giggle all day over it!
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 23 2007,9:14 am

I'm still shaking my head.  I mean, who needs sitcoms, with reality like this?  Coming from someone with nothing vested in life, of course.  If I did care, I think I'd be afraid. . .very afraid.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 23 2007,3:10 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
This actually made me laugh. An alleged Ann Coulter quote:

"I'm a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it."
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:laugh: Ah, yes, quotes from mAnn Coulter can be humorous in their twisted way. As far as what she is stated to have said is concerned, the question arises: "What's the fucking difference?!"

:laugh: :clap2:

The Bush-ism on Mandela incited a rather funny comment from a reader at that site I just had to re-post!:
~~~~~~~~~~

citizenofmars

"It was probably just some static in his earpiece. His hearing has got to be weird anyway- all that jet travel. Bush is brain dead anyway. Without the earpiece controllers he'd always be mumbling some barely intelligible nonsense, embarassing the nation before the world. Oops! He does that anyway, so it's really a hopeless situation. No wonder some people think he's really controlled by alien lizard-noids who live beneath Denver's New World Airport. The synapses are shot in W's murky medulla, a sensitive organ indeed for the chief chimpazoid. Mandela, Sammy Davis, it's all the same. Texas cotton pickers on the side of the road as young Georgie stares out the back window of the family Limo, cruising through Houston with Mom & Dad on the way to some oil plantation."

:laugh: :clap2: :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 23 2007,3:27 pm

:eyemouth: This one is about an underground news article with the title

"Israel asks U.S. foreign aid be paid in EUROS"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

which got some pretty funny replies from viewers, here we go!

"That's it. I'm moving to Zimbabwe."

"Don't panic, folks. We're just making way for the Amero."

"I have some old Confederate dollars. Maybe they'll be accepted again."

"The Federal Debt is greater than the sum of all money on the planet. What did you *think* would happen?"

"Yeah? Well I live in Norway. The dollar is nearing record lows against the Norwegian kroner too. Next time I travel to the US, I think Ill take a week's salary and buy a new car!"

"I sense a Christmas shopping trip to the US coming up this year. I can understand that the US isn't happy about this, but for the rest of the world it's party time!"



:eyemouth: :laugh: :clap2: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 28 2007,1:31 pm

Fun with religion:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=110570 >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 30 2007,6:21 pm

:laugh: :clap2: :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 30 2007,6:30 pm

:eyemouth: Wife in the fat lane (Eagle Sores) :eyemouth:

An off the cuff remark by Glenn Frey on the Farewell I Tour dvd led to this:

He was a hard-bodied man
He was physically fit, and she was originally slim
She went off her diet, and he went off on her
with some cold cold words
He had a nasty reputation as a tactless clod
They said he'd brag to everyone about his ripped bod
They'd had one thing in common, they had
not been well fed
She'd say, 'Faster, waiter, without lunch I'll soon be dead."
Wife in the fat lane
Surely made her lose her waist (M & M's)

Are you with me so far?

Eager for cookies and hot for the binge
her caloric intake began to unhinge
She knew all the right buffets, she ate
another free roll
She gorged at all parties, and it soon took its toll
There were bulges on her rear,bulges on her face
She pretended not to notice, she was blimping
in the waist Ate every evening, from dusk until light
He was too zoned to see it, she was too wired
to think about it Wife in the fat lane
Surely make you gain a size
Wife in the fat lane, too much food, all the time
Wife in the fat lane, uh huh
Gorging and stuffing, indulging her thirst
She didn't see the stop sign,
took 5 pounds of liverwurst She said, "Listen, baby, can you help me with
this zip?
I've been trying to close it for 10 minutes, I think it's gonna rip."
He said, "Call the doctor, even though this might sound crass,
but the state of Arizona is smaller than your ass."

She went rushin' towards a diet,
lotta tonnage to be lost
She was so bummed that she began to take Zoloft
And it was wife in the fat lane
Wife in the fat lane

All credit goes to:

< http://www.myspace.com/feralduck >


:laugh: :clap2: :headbang: :2bounce:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2007,11:28 pm

Fun on another forum:

A guy posted a picture of his schlong on another forum.

I say: Hmmmmmm! Chopped onions, chopped German dill pickles, sliced Roma tomato, butter fried 'shrooms, avacado slices, mayo, Dijon mustard. . .pumpernickel, or Jewish rye?

Another guy says: dont eat the fkin thing before hes even stuck it in a lady yet ffs

I say: I can wait.

< http://news.bbc.co.uk/1....500.stm >


(Check the link, or the joke is lost.)

Now, is this in bad taste, or is this in bad taste??????


Posted by: Orion-Dis Soldelumen on Oct. 03 2007,1:44 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Fun on another forum:

A guy posted a picture of his schlong on another forum.

I say: Hmmmmmm! Chopped onions, chopped German dill pickles, sliced Roma tomato, butter fried 'shrooms, avacado slices, mayo, Dijon mustard. . .pumpernickel, or Jewish rye?

Another guy says: dont eat the fkin thing before hes even stuck it in a lady yet ffs

I say: I can wait.

< http://news.bbc.co.uk/1....1500... >

(Check the link, or the joke is lost.)

Now, is this in bad taste, or is this in bad taste??????
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


too bad the link you gave is a dead end

I wish I could post a file of a caulk video i received from work I think you would all like it.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 03 2007,12:23 pm

Link allegedly fixed.  I've been having problems copy/pasting it.  Don't know what goes.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 06 2007,3:50 am

A list of funny signs:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=190358 >
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 08 2007,3:02 am

Sexism to the hilt.  Damn funny, though:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=111053 >
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 13 2007,10:11 am

Living in a toilet can be fun:
< http://news.yahoo.com/s....IUmWccF >
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 13 2007,12:24 pm

my hero...

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jBa7iBonTk >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 13 2007,11:39 pm

:eyemouth: That's so off-the-hook I had to LMAO!!!!!!!
:laugh: :shake: :clap2:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 13 2007,11:48 pm

This is a *very* unlikely blend indeed, had to totally LMAO when I saw it.

Lawrence Welk Meets Velvet Underground

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i48BP1PUoFI >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some rather clever tech tweaking here for sure.

:laugh: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 14 2007,12:57 am

:eyemouth: Better Watch Out for Those Student Drivers :eyemouth:

< http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/69075/detail/ >


:headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 14 2007,3:13 am

Loved all three of 'em.  Gods, that Dr.  Tran thing was off the wall, big time.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 14 2007,10:57 am

yup, truly...The Action Hero of the 21st Century...

DR. TRAN'S DA MAN!!! :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Oct. 14 2007,9:50 pm

:eyemouth: COULTERGEIST...WHEN WOMEN WITH ADAM'S APPLES GO BAD

< http://www.tiny.cc/UxHjD >


Ann Coulter (some stuff here could be offensive, but it's just a rough joke! It's rude but hilarious)

< http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Ann_Coulter >


An appropriate reaction from Uncle Sam

< http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Image:Manncoulter.jpg >


:laugh: :clap2: :headbang: :2bounce: :laugh:


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 15 2007,12:45 pm

Bush on Zombies vid, and a couple of others. I'm downloading the first one on my painful dial-up now. I'll have to wait on the Al Gonzales thing covering my favourite topic (Who's for lunch?). Maybe to-morrow. It's beddie-bye time for me, but I might as well check out the first one.


< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=111349 >

Add on edit.  Ye gods!  The way it's done, a small child would believe it's real.  Then again, considering how stoopid so many people are these days. . .


Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 16 2007,11:39 am

my favorite clip is the one about Dubya hearing voices. :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 02 2007,1:25 am

Don't know if this first one is a repost, but hey. . .

I was wondering if Lilith is the Jewish version of Nyx.  However Nyx has not been noted for eating people's children, but hey!  No-body's perfect, huh?

We and Danu went to an East Indian restaurant, and I had some Tandoori chicken.  As I went back for a second piece, I commented on feeling guilty over it, and I'd feel so much better if it were Tandoori longpig, 'cause if it was a person, at least you could explain to them that they were bred and raised specifically to be slaughtered and eaten.  If they complain, all you have to do is explain, "Hey!  Luaus happen, ya know?"
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 17 2007,1:15 am

This list busted me up.  A few are repeaters, but there was also some I haven't seen yet:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=115256 >

Cat video once in Catonese, and once in English:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=195620 >

Uber-kyoot.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 20 2007,1:51 pm

How to get out of a second date:

Say; "You know, collectively I like animals much better than people.  Because of this view, I think cannibalism should be legalised, so I wouldn't have to. . .oh, never mind."
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 20 2007,11:37 pm

Gotta keep with that holiday spirit, huh?

Said the boss to the people on the floor. . .
Do you hear what I hear?
Yes, the boss to the people on the floor. . .
Do you hear what I hear?
A nose, a nose,
Blowing 'cross the plant.
It will bring us mucus and wind,
Yes, it will bring us mucus and wiiiiiiiiiiind.
Dah dah.

I'm sorry.  I'm just feeling so uber nosacious right now.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 23 2007,4:51 am

Should I be shot for this?


Carry On My Wayward Nose

Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare no more

Once I rose above the wind and the mucus
Just to get a booger out of the ruckus
I was flaring ever faster
But I flared too fast

Though my nares could flare it still was a slow move
And my nose was bald so it couldn't quite groove
I hear the nostrils when I'm blowin'
I can hear them snort

Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare no more

Masquerading as a nose with nosehair braids
My charade was a flop of the decades
And if I claim to be a hairy nose
It surely means that I told a lie

On a stormy sea of wild snot and loogies
I'm told that I have no noogies
As I set a course for the Kevis
But I hear the nostrils blow

Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare no more
No!

Carry on, you will always be unbraidable
Carry on, your nosehairs are unsavable
Reality ignores your false vanity
But surely a septum waits for you

Carry on my wayward nose
There'll be snot when you are done
Lay your weary nares to rest
Don't you flare (don't you flare no more)


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 23 2007,12:24 pm

How to get out of a 1st date NOW:
(Especially if a chick, datin' a dude.)

Say, "And Cal OSHA can suck my dick.  They have a choice of 14 of them, since I've got those of my exes taxidermised on my living room wall in full glory.  Wanna see 'em?"
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 25 2007,2:01 pm

The Tale Of Elmeena Piddlewacker

Once when I was like workin' graveyard as a letter-shop operator for Fascist Dinglepost Corporation in San Jose, I had me this like co-worker. Couldn't stand 'er. She was five foot two, weighed around eight hundred pounds, neurotic, psychotic, and slighty removed from reality. She was always right, ya know? She was also the hardest workin', most efficient lettershop operator in existence. Or so she said, anyways.

Well, one night she went down. I turned around, her stations were empty, the machine was a'runnin', but there weren't no Elmeena mannin' it, ya know?

I let that go fo' 'bout an hour 'fore I got up to investigate.

Yup! She was down on the floor, out cold. Guess she had a heart attack or somethin'.

I turns off all the machinery so I could call my manager, and I does. I says it looks like Elmeena had 'erself a cardiac, an' aks if I should call an ambulence. My manager says yeah. So I do. AFTER I go to the bathroom.

I hunt me down a phone book. It took a while, 'cause I had to go to the front office to find one. I also had a soda 'fore I went. Then I had to like drag the phonebook to another part of the buildin' where the lightin' was better, 'cause they turn the lights off in the front at night.

I calls the hospital, and they aks fer the address. I say I can't remember, 'cause I've only been workin' here for eight years, ya know? Let me go out front and get it.

So I did. Then I go back to the phone, but I forgot it. I tell 'em I gotta go out front again, but this time I'll write it down. I did.

After the ambulence come, I take 'em to Elmeena. They can't deal with 'er, though. They couldn't pick 'er up. They said they'd have to use a forklift. I said we gots us one, but I ain't authorised to use it. One o' the amulence guys said he know how they worked, but I said I couldn't let 'im use it, 'cause 'e didn't work 'ere. He suggests I call my boss, so I did. She said he could use it.

So we moved the tables, the dude drove the forklift in, we rolled Elmeena on it with the help of a couple pieces o' wood, they loaded the ol' bat into the ambulence, an' after all that trouble I went through, the ol' bitch survived.

Still, I knew she'd be a mess, couldn't come back to work right away, and prob'ly be economically devistated when she gots back, so I wondered if she wouldn't kill 'erself from that. I started an Elmeena Piddlewacker suicide pool, with a grid of dates where people would fill in a date, and if she did 'erself in on that date, they'd win all the money. It cost one cent a square.

Well, the ol' cunt came back to work. No one won the pool, but when she found out we held the pool, she was so devastated that we thought so little of 'er, she did kill 'erself.

I won.


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Dec. 26 2007,10:25 pm

:laugh:  :clap2:  :headbang:

A true classic! There are so many looney arses at my job it would be impossible to sort out who to do a suicide pool with first! :shake:   I have picked a likely candidate, though.
:laugh:  :beer:  :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Dec. 26 2007,10:33 pm

:eyemouth:  MoFo of a First Date :eyemouth:

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no over night). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!


He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced wit h a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!


Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

:2bounce:  :clap2:  :headbang:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 27 2007,5:12 pm

Nobody tells baby jokes like me:

Ya know, I think it would be a trip to go down to the police station; and say, "I'm having a baby.  I'm gonna raise her to be eaten.  Do I need a livestock permit, and can I get one here?"

Or maybe at a family gathering, "I'm gonna have a baby, and to save money, I think I'll do it at home.  Hey, I mean no problem.  If it gets stuck or somethin', I gots me some pliers, ya know?"

Now aren't we glad I got fixed before havin' a kid?  And note how I didn't say, "Aren't you glad I'm kidding?"


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 31 2007,9:52 am

10 thoughts for 2008.  (11, really; but hey. . .)
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=196644 >
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 01 2008,11:24 am

Awwwwwwww.  Look what Azothoth sent me:

< http://utterlyboring.com/archives/2007/12/10/another_chinese.php >

Actually, he only sent me the pic, but hey.  How sweet of him.  He's now somewhat of a lurker.  He's workin' his butt off, and has little time for anything; but he's OK.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2008,11:09 am

An e-mail from Danu:

  Hi, Snorfly Nostrils. Well, at 3:00am this morning, I awoke to an activated vacuum cleaner, & in a dazed stupor from REM- yankage, I got up & turned it off. The other cats were all eating, & Sable was the one who appeared active, so I'm 95% sure he used the V.C. as a jumping off point on his journey across all the boxes & furniture to get to the front window area. I unplugged the V.C., then tested the on / off button, it is easy enough for a cat to turn it on if they land on it.

Another talking point is the fact that the amateur heater technicians used the V.C. & I didn't unplug the damn thing, never had a cat try to do house work before (LOL!).

  I left Vicky a voice mail in case we get any complaints from neighbors, didn't have time to leave the folks in apt. 4 a note., Hopefully the bubbleheads (management) don't go stupid over this, etc. Big D is feelin' mighty snotty if they do.

Cheers,
            <B

(Big D stands for Donovan.  It's the name of Danu's nose.  I mean, it is a Dublin Whiskered Angora, so. . .)
Posted by: Jentzi on Jan. 10 2008,2:23 am

:laugh:  Man, and I thought my mornings were weird.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 15 2008,12:34 pm

Me thinks I take the cake on weird.  Onyhoo. . .

Someone posted a distgusting video on STA about how sadistic the Chinese can be when killing their dogs for food and/or fur.  I didn't see it 'cause this computer won't play it, but I saw other videos, so. . .  Anyway, someone else flew off the handle and said we should go to war with China over this, as opposed to Afghanistan or Iraq, and how they're never going to buy another Chinese product again.  (Goooooood luck.)  I replied that the Chinese don't have a monopoly on cruelty.  In parts of Africa (Zimbabwe is making the news a lot), they are killing both domestic and wild animals in the worst way possible, with as much suffering as possible just for the sake of killing and being sadistic.  (Hey!  If you're in pain, have no hope, see nothing but doom, take everything with you, huh?), seal hunts in Canada, cock fights, dog fights, racehorses that don't make it get turned into dog food, greyhounds that aren't fast enough are ruthlessly slaughtered, bullfights in Spain and Mexico, factory farming and animal cruelty is a world wide propblem.  Also, not all Chinese are the same.

A guy e-mails me back, and asks about what about the two legged animals slaughtering each other all over the planet.  

I reply:  I'm a misanthrope.  That's not happenning fast enough.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 18 2008,7:49 am

I posted this on STA:

A CONCEPT OF GOD

It is said all is one, right? On the Physical Plane, every creature alive needs to exist at the expense of something else, right? So if this be the case, God is a cannibal, right? Or. . .um. . .how can I put this without being kicked off the forum. . .
uh. . .AUTO-CANNIBAL!!!!!! (If you don't get it, get someone else to explain it to ya.)
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 24 2008,4:43 am

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=117537 >

A hilarious essay on the incongruity of the English language.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 24 2008,11:28 am

:laugh: that's an old, classic list that i've seen many times. reminds me of the title of a pamphlet i read a while back: Refuse Refuse (pronounced reFYOOZ REFFyooss)...concerning sustainability issues.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 27 2008,12:22 am

:eyemouth: After World War II, the Allied countries set about rebuilding war-torn Europe. In Vienna, while digging up a bombed out street, workers came across a the ruins of a mausoleum marked W.A. Mozart.
Opening it, they found inside Wolfgang with a large pile of music
manuscripts, which he was busy erasing.
When one worker asked what he was doing, Mozart replied:
"I'm decomposing."
:laugh:  :clap2:  :headbang:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 27 2008,4:19 pm

:laugh: ROFLMAO :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 28 2008,1:39 pm

From Grannies for Ron Paul:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning......

Today you voted.

************************************************

And one of mine:

Our apartment (assistant) manager is getting a defibrillator installed. She ain't gonna ever be able to tell another lie again, after she gets out.

(Actually, I REALLY hope she makes it. She's a valuable ally, and she usually doesn't hit me when I tell her my jokes. I dunno about this one, though.)


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 30 2008,2:01 pm

Lately their was a news story about some individual microwaving her baby. (I didn't read it.) Then several people at work mentioned the story, and they actually asked if the perpetrator had been talking to me. Of course I denied it. I also explained you do not microwave children. You have to use a conventional oven, or a crock pot.

(NO!  IT WILL NEVERRRRRRRRRR END!  MUAHAAAAAHAAAHAAA HAAA!)
Posted by: landau on Jan. 30 2008,8:19 pm

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

love it!!!! btw; what's better, gas or electric??? :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 31 2008,1:13 am

Gas.  Definitely.  After I posted it on surfingtheapocalypse, someone followed up with this:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=199178 >
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 01 2008,2:08 am

I think I just found one of my past lives:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=199178 >
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 01 2008,1:51 pm

Domain names gone wild:

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is

www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com/

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,

www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,

www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always

www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is

www.cummingfirst.com/

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,

www.speedofart.com/
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 01 2008,2:43 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2: a good laugh for a Friday morning! this strangest part of all this: that the people involved have apparently never noticed the hilarity of their website URLs. :eyemouth:  should we disabuse 'em?....nah! :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 09 2008,12:40 pm

We just underwent some MAJOR changes at where I work, and I have to work with someone who I barely knew.  My supervisor told her, "Talk to Morgan about anything, but don't talk to her (IT! IT! IT!) about food."  I say, "Like, who are we having for dinner?"  (Desiree replied, "WHO we're having for dinner?"  I say "Yeah. . .")

Then my supervisor said, "And Morgan hates white people."  (I have issues with the New World genocide, the decimation of Africa, Australia. . .the technological destruction of the environment, and all that.  Basically, which group started the destruction of the world.)  I said.  "I don't hate white people.  It's just that honky gringo crackers are easy to pick on."


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 13 2008,1:32 am

As most old timers on this board know, I wish I were genetically Irish, if European I must be.  I'm just a fake, though.  My name was bought and paid for.  But, I know more about the Irish culture than a lot of people who are of Irish ancestry, having introduced Danu to the mythology of 'it's' own culture.

Anyways, I asked Danu the other night, "Who's a better Mick?  Me or your momma?"  (His momma is mostly Irish.)

Danu goes "That's hard to say."

I say, "But I won't clout you over the head with a cast iron skillet.  I'm sorry."  (Danu's momma did that to Danu's daddy.  He deserved it, though.  He also lived through it.  Unfortunately.)

Danu said.  "That's OK.  She never did that to me."

(Paraphrasing now, 'cause I forgot the exact conversation, but. . .)

"But I did threaten to swat the thing I used to be married to with a sword.  Is that good enough?"

"Yeah, sure."
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 13 2008,4:01 pm

now that you broach the subject, Morgan, what IS your actual ancestry?
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 14 2008,1:47 am

I'm an Illyrian Kraut.  Born in Germany.   Nazi pool of twat snot Kraut incubator, and Albanian sire who was born in Montenegro when it was called Yugoslavia.  They spoke a weird Albanian dialect which I used to kinda know, but now mostly forgot; as if there's a use in speaking something that maybe 5 million people in the world know or knew at any given time.

I spent some time there, in Ulcing.  I got to be a backwater peasant for 3 months.  Learned a lot.  Like life as a backwater peasant is a hell of a lot better than being a corporate wage slave.  They knew a lot, but unfortunately, cooking wasn't one of those things they knew.  It's a great place to lose weight.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 15 2008,5:26 pm

The waterbird survives on aquatic vegetation, such as molluscs, small fish, frogs and worms, which they dig up from under the water with their long necks.

This was on a news site known as news.scotsman.com by
ALASTAIR JAMIESON AND CHARLOTTE HOMSON.

How much money do these idiots make?  Though I  did just finish reading this:
< http://www.nytimes.com/2008....d=print >
which was titled:
Dumb and Dumber: Are Americans Hostile to Knowledge?

I'm sorry, but I knew the world wasn't worth saving, but this just grinds that 'tude into me with a steam roller.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 16 2008,5:22 pm

'Tailban' trashing:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=119088 >
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 16 2008,7:57 pm

I've never heard this until now, though I did give her a mention in the S.N.O.T. 'Star Spangled Nyipper' part.  Roseanne Barr at her best:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrFW2aYHVR8&feature=related# >

Gods, I love that woman.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Feb. 17 2008,12:00 am

:eyemouth: John Cleese Letter to America  :eyemouth:

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from
Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter `U' will be reinstated in words such as `colour',
`favour' and `neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
`doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix `burgh' is pronounced `burra';
you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as `Pittsberg' if you find you
simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter `u' and the
elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.
It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric immediately and without the
benefit of conversion tables Both roundabouts and metrification
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get
used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips
are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American
brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese
grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you
brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has
some similarities to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you
are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error
is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese


:laugh:  :clap2:  :beer:  :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 18 2008,12:09 pm

When the Pillsbury Dough Boy Comes A Knockin'
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=119153 >
Posted by: Leilah on Feb. 19 2008,6:51 pm

Danu    That was GREAT!!!  :laugh: And so damn true!! Dan just got the Complete Monty Python.....so seeing this has revived my faith in the hunour of Cleese! I was beginning to wonder  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 20 2008,1:25 am

If I were silly enough to sit in Santa's lap,
I'd ask for:

A quagga

An archaeopteryx

An 8 foot long, tufted prehensile ringtail

A meeting with;
Vergil Maro, Victor Hugo, Sophie Frederi. . .I mean Catherine the Great, Empress Theodora, Boadicea, Charles Dickens, Robert Burns, Oscar Wilde, James Joyce, Virginia Wolf, Mary and Percy Shelley, a loaded 30-30 to hold when I meet Elizabeth Bathory, Hadrian and Antinous.

An effigy of Geddy Lee's nose on a plaque

An I.Q. of a googleplex to the googleplexeth power

A decent Lowland Scots' accent

A nosehair coat

Omniscience

Thick, waist length nose hairs

The ability to speak college level Catonese

An Akashic Library Card

A smilodon

A unicorn

And finally; nobody eats each other.

But I ain't gonna do that, 'cause I don't think there is a Santa Clause. I think they're all imposters.

Think I'm too hard to please?

(Can we imagine what would happen if Henry Makow met me? Muahahahahaha!!!)
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 20 2008,5:49 pm

Morgan, 2 questions:

1. do i understand correctly that you're a fellow James Joyce fan? (if so: :beer: )
2. how would you prefer to fashion your nosehairs...as braids, or as dreadlocks?
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 21 2008,1:54 am

James Joyce.  Haven't read any of his books (yet?), but love Finnegan's Wake (The song.).  Saw a documentory on him once, and decided I like him.  I have so little time, but I'd like to get the book if my life ever slows down.  I heard it was a challenging read, though.

My regular hair don't dred.  I tried not combing it for three months.  It didn't work.  I love dredlocks, but I think I'd be stuck with braids.  I also love cornrows. . .on blacks, though.  I don't think they're that appealing on other colours.  The hair's not right, and I just don't think it works.  (Not even on Bo Derek.)
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 21 2008,1:28 pm

This is  from Danu:
When you add cream to tea, it's called 'creamation'.

Now if THAT ain't an ultimate Westgate joke, what is?
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 22 2008,8:02 pm

I dunno who wrote this, other than the fact it weren't me:


HOW TO DEAL WITH NEGATIVE PEOPLE

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband she mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the Hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their Flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little Place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the Hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the Woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new Planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city they, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the Hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really? What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 23 2008,4:04 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 25 2008,1:16 pm

All of you old timers are aware that I am a child-avoider; being quite allergic to them.  I break out in hives and get ebola type symptoms if they are any nearer to me than hearing range for longer than 2 seconds, so I picture a conversation of mine that never happened in my younger years when I was a more social creature:

"You're a WHAT???????!!!!!!!"

"A parent."

"Get away from me. That disqualifies you for me using you even ONCE!"
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 26 2008,1:06 am



---------------------QUOTE-------------------
Does anyone else have ancestor practices they'd like to share?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------



You mean besides throwing darts at a picture of my 'incubator'?

Uh. . .no!
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 27 2008,12:34 pm

Got this from STA:

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 27 2008,12:45 pm

Yo!  What do ya do when you've comeup with a piece of literary weirdness that you almost don't dare post anywhere?

'Uh, post it on Westgate?'

Shall I?

'You're just a'dyin' to show how psycho your mind can work.  Sure.'

OK, ya talked me into it:

A FAILED SOCIOLOGY 101 ASSIGNMENT
Let us see. How shall I start this?

Issues. Yes, I have issues.

First, I must explain that I am philosophically opposed to the concept of physical existence. I do not believe it should exist. I have come to this conclusion based on my experiences with so called life, and so called death.

I believe I am here because I asked to be here. Me thinks we re-incarnate out of choice, though I have no clue on why I am still here, being I think my 'life' has outlived its 'usefulness' to me; considering the conclusions I have arrived at.

I now think I am a stupid idiot for having chosen to exist in the physical realm to begin with, and how many times have I been here before arriving at this conclusion, and why in the name of every deity in the pantheon; did I have to live even once, being all the information I wanted is available somewhere; from an intellectual perspective.

I mean, I don't have to be staked by Vlad Tepes to know it hurts; and I can look at schematic diagrams on what damage. . .well, you get my drift; ya know?

So why did I enter the labyrinth of life? And why are people compelled to perpetuate themselves? Children? Ssomething that is so time consuming, expensive, painful, um. . .occasionally life threatening, stressful and self-destructive, and about as un-cost effective as you can get? Gods, how much better the world could be if infanticide were legal. Not good for the capitolistic economy, though; huh?

Which reminds me! The meanest curse I can think of, is: "May all your children turn out just like me." After all, I disavowed my parents. If the half of my ride to this realm that took around 10 minutes or so to get me on my way located me again, I'd simply say there's nothing left to say; but if my twat-plug biotch of an incubator found me, she'd regret it in about 5 seconds. I will NEVER forgive either parent for DARING to bring me into this world. I mean the NERVE of them, ya know? Yes, I have caused them suffering. Muahahahaha. Of course me thinks they deserve it for having inconvenienced me in the way they did by providing the transportation they did, on a 1960's NCO military salary; of all things.

May they live forever, for I'm gonna die one day; an' I don't wan' 'em in my 'hood. Worthless idiots.

I can't forgive myself for being here. Think I'm any easier on YOU? At least I've seen the errors of my ways. Have you?

Now am I serious, or not?

Uh, maybe.

(Imagine giving this as a lecture in school, or somethin'.  Or public tv?   :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: )
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 01 2008,1:56 pm

Since I've started working for a photo lab, I've come to the conclusion that people ain't nuthin' but a bunch o' posers.

I saw a 'cave-girl' photo.  A couple with plastic bones in their hair, plastic claws around the neck, snarly expressions, and one was gonna plaster what was in front of her with a plastic bone, outfits were kinda skimpy, so I asked a co-worker, "I guess Ron Jeremy is now our customer?"

He laughed.  No relation to our cave-girl shots in reality, but Jeremy did do a bunch of cave-girl shots which I ran across in the old SnC daze.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 20 2008,3:30 pm

A link to a military joke on RMN.  It could have been a little funnier with a different target on the ending, me thinks.

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=120957 >


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 21 2008,4:52 pm

Pastafarians Unite:
< http://www.itlovesyou.blogspot.com/ >

3/21

Flying Spaghetti Monster Day

I think I dig this group.  Not bad for a religion, ya know?
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 28 2008,11:16 pm

Sooooooo. . .the Nazis making lampshades out of Jewish skins is a propaganda hoax, I read.   Me and Danu commented on people being pretty thin skinned anyway, but I  wonder.  Could people hides make good book covers?  For like, Bibles or something?
Posted by: Morgan on April 01 2008,1:23 am

An Irish Ghost Story:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=121635 >
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 01 2008,11:23 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on April 02 2008,12:23 pm

You can groan and leave the building now, but:

When you get glasses, are you considered 'reglassified'?

OK, I can come up with corny, too.  Not all my stuff is mysanthropic or cannibalism related.  I'm sorry.
Posted by: Morgan on April 03 2008,7:00 pm

New e-mail scam:

I am Mrs. < name witheld > an aging widow suffering from long time illness. I have some funds I inherited from my late husband, the sum of US $8,400,000.00 and I needed a very honest and God fearing Christian that will use the fund for God's work, I found your email address from the internet and decided to contact you. Please if you would be able to use the funds for the Lord's work, kindly reply for further details.

If I see this one, I'm gonna reply:

I'm a baby-sacrificing Satanist who likes to eat people.  Try the guy next door.

Yours;
Jezebel Baphomet
Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2008,12:37 pm

Ahhhh, the land of opportunity.  An opportunity thrown away, though.

An old lady was running across the street, making sure she'd get the light.  I coulda yelled out the window, "You can slow down,  It would cost me too much to hit you."
Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2008,5:17 pm

On the 'comments' section of Layla Anwars blog, I find this:

"If you are so gullable and ignorant then your country truely is doomed, doomed forever, and only a nuke and a wal mart will save it."

Oh, the irony.  People with negative I.Q. points should stay off the internet.
Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2008,7:34 pm

Take Your Daughters To War Day:
(Spoof)
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v....rl=http >
Posted by: Morgan on April 05 2008,10:11 pm

Danu had a guest over who told him about a mutual friend who almost started a physical confrontation with a couple of guys who were wearing their pants waaaaaay too low.  I thought it would have been better for him to say, "Ooooooh, you've got a fine ass.  You for sale?"  I get the feeling those pants would have gone up much faster and much more willingly if he had used my approach.
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 06 2008,10:12 am

:laugh: ....and that Onion video clip was pretty damn funny too! i love the Onion. i once used it to induce laughter to cure stomach cramps! (no joke here)
Posted by: Morgan on April 11 2008,11:13 am

OK!  I found a nose fetish site, and on it was posted this:

This doesn't mean that I would have forgotten about the fact that there's a person behind the face. It's not the intention to reduce a woman to just a nose.

I've NEVER been so insulted in my life.  REDUCE a woman to JUST A NOSE?  What else is there?


Posted by: Morgan on April 11 2008,11:25 pm

I found this on Layla Anwar's blog, and it busted me up:
< http://bp0.blogger.com/_gdsFau....ger.jpg >
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 12 2008,10:10 am

hmmm...short and to the point!
Posted by: Morgan on April 12 2008,6:54 pm

My, the strange things people expect of their children:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=203855 >

Amazing how the human race is.  That's why I'm a nose.  I think my species makes a little more sense.  It sure as hell is easier living.
Posted by: Morgan on April 22 2008,1:43 pm

Funny joke I found on RMN:

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said , ' Let's talk .

I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger .'

The little girl , who had just opened her book , closed it slowly and said to the stranger , ' What would you like to talk about ? '

' Oh , I don't know , ' said the stranger . ' How about nuclear power ? ' and he smiles .

'OK , ' she said . ' That could be an interesting topic .

But let me ask you a question first . . . A horse , a cow , and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass . Yet a deer excretes little pellets , while a cow turns out a flat patty , and a horse produces clumps of dried grass .

Why do you suppose that is ? ' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence , thinks about it and says ,

' Hmmm , I have no idea .'

To which the little girl replies , ' Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit ?
Posted by: Morgan on April 22 2008,1:47 pm

Ahhhhhhh! Liberia. The first thing I'd do after the plane landed and I touched base with the ground, is yell. "Oooooh, yeah! Where's all the head hunters? I wanna scarf me some person! Where's the cauldron?  Where can I buy a spear? I have been readin' in the news cannibalism is all the rage here. I mean, that's the only reason I'm here!"

What wouuuuuuuuld happen to me?

*****

And while I'm in my little phantasy world, I've come up with the dream wedding. How's about Ann Coulter and Henry Makow. When that concept becomes legal in the states, that is.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on May 17 2008,1:33 am

:eyemouth: Is PMS In The Bible?  :eyemouth:

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that
the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the
woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way
to Bethlehem."
:laugh:  :clap2:  :headbang:
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 17 2008,12:00 pm

:laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on May 18 2008,12:15 am

< http://www.boingboing.net/2008/05/14/poor-word-choice-on.html >
If this is for real. . .ye gods!  How stoopid can you get?  But at least they're honest, huh?
Posted by: Morgan on May 24 2008,9:56 pm

The long lost verse of 'Scarborough Faire':

Tell 'im to braid me his nose hairs grown long,
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme;
And grow me a tail, prehensile and strong;
Then he'll be a true love of mine.
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 25 2008,10:22 am

Morgan, i dare ya to sing that one on a street corner for tips! :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 25 2008,2:51 pm

I'd do it in theory, but I'm never out in a place I could.  You just don't do that in Hayward.  I never go to Frisco or Berkeley anymore.

Tell 'im to flare his nose into the night.
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme,
And snorfle me with all of his might,
Then he'll be a true love of mine.

More have joined in on STA.  Here's the link to the first reply and the thread, and I laughed pretty hard:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=206630 >
Posted by: Morgan on May 25 2008,9:35 pm

It would have to be a multi-volume set, for it will be well over 1000 pages, but I wonder if I had a copy of my book done up on parchment, gothic lettering, gilt in silver, bound in the leather of my momma's hide dyed black, and lettered along with the cover design in silver, how much that would be worth?

Probably more than the apartment complex I live in.
Posted by: Morgan on June 01 2008,12:10 pm

This is a hilarious poetic justice tale about a deer:
< http://www.bloggingwv.com/corn-fed-venison-it-looked-good-on-paper/ >
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 02 2008,11:40 am

3 CHEERS FOR THE DEER!  :beer:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :beer:

and to that asshole who wanted to hold the deer prisoner for a couple weeks then kill it, i have only this to say: :boid:
Posted by: Morgan on June 05 2008,1:31 am

Totally!

New way to gross out small children.  Or at least get them to ask very interesting questions.

Tell them pregnant women are watermelon factories.
Posted by: Morgan on June 06 2008,3:29 am

Theoretical Craigs List post:

Guillotine Operator available
No experience, but learns fast
If considered, will work out so I look good in mask and harness

Imagine if someone actually did that.

This is NOT mine, but it's just as funny:
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work refreshment with her girlfriends when... Steven - a tall , exceptionally handsome , extremely sexy , middle - aged man entered .
He was so striking that the women could not take her eyes off him.

The young - at - heart man noticed her overly attentive stare, and walked directly toward her ! As All men will . Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely , he leaned over and whispered to her , " I'll do Anything , absolutely anything , that You want me to do , no matter how kinky , for $20.00 . . . . . . on One condition "

Flabbergasted , the woman asked what the 'condition' Was .
The man replied , " You have to tell me what you want me to do, in just Three words . "

The woman considered his proposition for a moment ; and then slowly , removed a $20 bill from her purse which she pressed into the man's hand, along with her address .

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly , and meaningfully, said . . . .

" Clean. . . my. . . house ! "

UmmmHmmm


Posted by: HOLDEN on June 06 2008,10:06 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 20 2008,6:32 pm

Well, there's corn; and then there's CORN:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=126607 >
Posted by: Morgan on June 21 2008,11:22 am

Fun with the elements:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=126631 >

Too true for comfort?
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 22 2008,10:48 am

:laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 28 2008,12:30 am

< http://www.soundclick.com/bands....2327553 >

No, I don't hate you guys.  So why am I subjecting you to this?

Well you didn't have to listen to it, OK?

Gods, imagine if this had been for real.
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 28 2008,9:49 am

:shake:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 30 2008,12:14 pm

One supervisor keeps bitching about me lifting heavy loads.  I'm sorry, but I do NOT consider 50 lbs. heavy, though I must admit I don't like carrying it up two flights of stairs.  I don't have to do that at work, though.  Still, she's always tellin' me "Use a cart!!!!!"

Anyway, I got even.  Yesterday she had me make bubblewrap for the first time.  So I goes, "Hey Sandra!  This stuff is mighty heavy.  I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last."

Couldn't hear her reply over the equipment, but it musta been a doozy.  At least she didn't slap me upside after I was in reach.
Posted by: Morgan on July 24 2008,2:12 am

This is a conceptual piece for those with small children. I'm not sure about actually going through with it, for it might get you somewhat arrested, but hey!

You take a small child, and tell it every day in various ways, several times a day that on its eighth birthday; it will be cooked and eaten.  Like obsess on it, ya know?  And a week before it turns eight, buy a bunch of spices, make a big deal of it, leave web pages up of meat grinders and such, and invite the kid to go with you to find a big enough stew pot. . .  

Can ya'll imagine????????

Aren't we glad I'm not a parent?  (Heh-heh-heh.)
Posted by: Leilah on July 25 2008,8:35 am

I got a funny email spam this morning, made me laugh-

"Aliens abducted by Michael Jackson!"  :beer:
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 25 2008,9:28 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 03 2008,12:59 pm

In Emeryville, I saw a store. It was called "Babies 'R' Us", though the 'R' was backward. Now I have a question. It they sell the damn things there, why not pick one up there instead of going through the process of pregnancy, with morning sickness, looking like you had a basketball implanted into your abdomen for a while, not to mention getting ripped to shreds while giving birth? It would save a fortune on medical costs, health issues, personal discomfort, etc. . .

And if you don't have one of these stores in your neighbourhood, maybe they do overnight delivery?


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 05 2008,12:09 pm

AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (This is actually an excerpt from the current short story I am writing.)

Gods, I hate children. I didn't have a virtual kid once. I never felt such loathing for the unwanted, non-existent intruder in my life. I called it Pemmican Del Sol the day it wasn't born, and it was a fitting name, for I had plans for it.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, yes.

About a year later I bought a 50 gallon fish tank, and drove to Furnace Creek in July. I had with me garlic powder, brown sugar, liquid smoke flavouring, some sea salt, and black pepper. I put the figment of my imagination in the tank at 10:00 A.M., and seasoned it as it turned crispy brown.

Quite tasty,but I must say I suppose I should be glad it was a virtual experience, for I might have been otherwise arrested.

****************************************************

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM HAVING ISSUES WITH THE BRATS AT THIS APARTMENT COMPLEX. I'M ALSO TRYING TO OUTDO ANDRE VON POE'S INKBLOT SERIES, BUT I DON'T THINK I CAME CLOSE WITH THIS ONE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME.

(Of course, you must not take me seriously. I do NOT believe in torturing my food before eating it.)


Posted by: Jentzi on Aug. 12 2008,6:45 pm

Mmm, I believe in that everythings food, its just a question of what spectrum youre taught to see it in *evil grin*
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 13 2008,8:21 pm

I actually did this, and he threatened to throw a mailing tube at me for it.  I stood there as my supervisor was talking to someone, and stared at him.  He goes to me, "Yes?"

I go, "-Censored name-, you definitely have a gender."

(Heh-heh-heh.  Yeah, I said it like it's an insult, because referring a nose to having a gender IS an insult.)
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 23 2008,9:01 pm

HISTORICAL QUOTES REDONE:

Abbot Arnold Amaury: Slay them all. God will recognise his own.

Marines: Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out.

The Nose: Cook 'em all. Let the chef sort 'em out.

(Not a direct Amauray quote. It's a paraphrase.)


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 29 2008,6:10 pm

An ABC news blooper:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV1EdoSSVqA&feature=email >

Is the reporter EVER gonna live this down?


Posted by: HOLDEN on Aug. 30 2008,10:02 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 31 2008,5:15 pm

Fred Reed On Cannibalism:
< http://groups.yahoo.com/group/aum/message/5038 >

I thought it was hilarious, but. . .this is my forte, ya know?
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 02 2008,11:34 am

I WANNA BE FAMOUS:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=130685 >

Man, the things people do.  Maybe 'I WANNA BE INFAMOUS' is a better title.
Posted by: Jentzi on Sep. 03 2008,3:59 pm

Gaaaaah, the pain, the PAIN! But it was hilarious when the kid got caught in the basketball-hoop. :P

But I so agree with the points. Its going the same way here  :shake:  And its so dumb.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 05 2008,7:42 pm

Something to say on the 1st day of kindergarden in Dixie:

Pit vipers! I don't think they're the prettiest snakes on the planet. I don't really like the head shape that much, but I surely would't want to kill even one. They are good varmint control. I mean, can you think of a better way to rid yourself of a small children than to throw them in a pond of cotton mouths?

Man, can you imagine the reaction?


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 06 2008,4:56 pm

THOSE NOSTRILS IN THE SKY

A young nosey went snorflin' out one dark and windy night
Upon a ridge it snorfled as its snot went on a flight
When all at once a lengthy trail of cow patties it smelled
The nosey couldn't see 'em, but it knew it would be felled

The stench set it on fire and the nose rolled on the ground
In agony, a'wondrin' if soon dead it would be found
A bolt of fear went through it as a wind came from the sky
For it saw two dark nostrils blowin' hard and blowin' high

Nyippie yi Ohhhhh
Nyippie yi yaaaaay
Those nostrils in the sky

Their septum gaunt, their nosehairs long, they're flarin' evermore
They're blowin' and they're snotin' like you've never seen before
They've got to blow forever in that hanky in the sky
A nose that's snorting fire and ever wonderin' why


As the nostrils blew over it the nose did hear a call
If you want to save your nares from me, best get on the ball
And nosey change your flares today or with me you will blow
Causing massive hurricanes far and way on down below

Nyippie yi Ohhhhh
Nyippie yi Yaaaaay

Those nostrils in the sky
Those nostrils in the sky
Those nostrils in the sky


Posted by: HOLDEN on Sep. 07 2008,1:15 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

is that a Morgan original? :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 07 2008,1:45 pm

Not really. It's another song slaughter. Here's the original:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFjqlx8eSfQ >

Well, actually a cover of the original. Johnny Cash was good, but I think The Outlaws were a little better. They ROCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmmm.  I think I'll put this link where it BELONGS!


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 12 2008,2:18 pm

Nasal Contemplations:

I have found it is NOT a good idea to refer to chicks as chicks on a job interview, especially if the interviewer is a chick. (Kidding. I'm not THAT stupid.)

Man, I swear; I do declare! Talking about harassment in the workplace. On break, almost everybody in the breakroom said I was an asshole wannabe as opposed to a real asshole. I have never been so insulted in my life, so I took it to the production manager; and you know what he said? The guys in the breakroom were right. I NEVER. . . (This actually happened.)

Sheesh! Getting a new job might 'set me on fire' again. Gods, how can the fates be so cruel? I am having so much fun being in my miserable rut that I just don't know if I can handle anything else, ya know?
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 14 2008,3:11 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Something to say on the 1st day of kindergarden in Dixie:

Pit vipers! I don't think they're the prettiest snakes on the planet. I don't really like the head shape that much, but I surely would't want to kill even one. They are good varmint control. I mean, can you think of a better way to rid yourself of a small children than to throw them in a pond of cotton mouths?

Man, can you imagine the reaction?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:eyemouth: LOL! This brought an image of Jimmy Swaggart prancing on the T.V. screen talking about "sated pit vipers", LMAO!

"Those Nostrils In The Sky" was a real blowout!
:clap2: :beer: :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 14 2008,3:42 pm

Sarah Palin Possessed

By Judy Tenuta!

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F06bgKZgJ8 >


:2bounce:
Posted by: Leilah on Sep. 14 2008,8:07 pm

She is one scary piece of (shit) work..eh... Just what we need, a fucking pentacostal, speaker of tongues in the White House. You though BUSH was bad... If I was her running mate, I woukd be thinking...WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??????????????

Enough with these right wing assholes. Put them back under the rocks from which they crawled out of...

Sorry...ZERO TOLERANCE for these types that wave the fucking banner of ZERO TOLERANCE for anyone that that does agree with them.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 14 2008,11:24 pm

:eyemouth: Hi, Leilah! I totally agree with you, no more religious wackjob fanatix in the Shite House (that's what it went to). I really did love the send-up Judy Tenuta did on that bitch!

All those presumptive ass-holes of which we speak want to talk about "God", well, I understand that word to be a state of being, or a "job description", not a name, so of what "God" do they speak?!- That is what I would ask them.

I know, we have already had enough lunatics running the asylum! :shake:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 23 2008,12:25 pm

As we know, I have issues with the children of this apartment complex. Noisy, disruptive little pre-cooked little pot roasts, and one has been piddling in my car vent under the front window. Anyway, I figure one way to get them to at least not talk to me anymore is:

Get a jar with a pathology specimen of an abortion in it, and put it in the window. Preferably the kind that's been vacuumed out and is in several pieces. Put a label on it. THIS IS HOW I LIKE MY CHILDREN. In fact, I don't think anyone will be knockin' on my door unless they have no choice. Even then. . .

I'll ask my apartment manager.

(Actually I wouldn't really do this.  It would cost too much.)


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 03 2008,12:58 am

Something to say at a baby shower, baptism, whatever:

Yeah, I'm a Santeria practitioner. Santeria-lite, actually. I mean I wouldn't dream of sacrificing an animal, and last I heard it's still illegal to sacrifice babies in this country; so until that changes, there will be no blood sacrifices.

And though this might be even better at First Nation's Genocide Day, I mean Thanksgiving dinner; but:

My cat ate too fast and threw up some killer salmon and shrimp last night, so I tells him; "Sable!  Slow down!  I mean that was expensive stuff there.  I could have eaten that."

So he looks at it, and says in Catonese.  "It still looks pretty fresh to me.  I mean, the shrimp are whole and everything.  It couldn't have been down me for more than a couple of minutes."

So I say, "Dude!  This is a couple of minutes we're talking about.  The five second rule does not apply here, OK?"


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 03 2008,9:20 pm

Man, not that I'm a fan of him; but someone at work spoke of a magician, and I tracked him down to be Criss Angel.  I looked him up, and read he actually dated Britney Spears.  Gods above and below!  What the hell is somethin' like Criss Angel doin' datin' somethin' like Britney Spears?  I mean I wouldn't even want her sheddings to be part of my nose hair coat, ya know?

Oh well.  At least he moved on.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 10 2008,7:09 pm

This is kinda silly, but. . .

My company is real anal about waste, so I figure a good way to give a manager a heart attack is in the middle of the shift, yell, "OH NO!  I JUST RAN 784 PIECES OF GLOSSY ON MATTE PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Call my apartment manager and say, "Dude!  I have to go to the bathroom, but I just cleaned my toilet.  Can I use yours?"
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 13 2008,3:23 pm

This is raunchy, but as funny as hell.  I also ain't gonna do it; but imagine you're at the biggrest company meeting of the year with CEO present.  At the end, they always ask, "Any questions?"

So you raise your hand.  "Is DVDA physically possible?"
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 16 2008,8:25 pm

Imagine a football game:
Team one:  2007 Krispy Kreme Calendar Girls
Team two:  2008 Krispy Kreme Calendar Girls

Man, even I'd pay to see that!!!!!!!!!!!!!     :2bounce:  :2bounce:  :2bounce:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 17 2008,5:12 pm

This is a copy/paste from RMN:

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I really don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well' he says, 'I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: I have two rules
No.1 You have to be single and
No.2 You must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun proceeds to fulfil his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

The cabbie says 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party...
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 18 2008,10:22 am

:laugh: :beer: :clap2: : :laugh: :beer: :clap2: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 18 2008,3:56 pm

THIS IS A TEST. . .

THIS IS ONLY A TEST. IF THIS WERE A REAL EMERGENCY, YOU WOULD NOT BE SEEING THIS, BECAUSE YOUR POWER WOULD BE OUT.

Remeber those emergency broadcast system thingies? I think my way is more realistic. Being we have no TV connected, we have no idea if they are still doing those. Are they?
Posted by: Leilah on Oct. 18 2008,8:10 pm

Yeah, they still do that here in Acadiana,,,,and the TV automatically goes onto the FAMILY Channel, for  some fucking odd reason...??? WOT?????
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 18 2008,10:48 pm

Redneck lady disses Obama:

(Gods, is this for real? Obnoxious racial epithet repeated at the end.  Makes you think 'Deliverance' was a documentary.)

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaxECcTjCuw >


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 20 2008,1:24 pm

Nozzle Rage:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on1xPlV-rhs >
Absolute gut-buster
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 24 2008,10:21 am

< http://failblog.org/2008/10/13/license-plate-fail-2/#comments >

The license plate will be on the top of the last page of this site, for later viewers.

So. . .there's more than one of me!   :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 09 2008,12:53 am

I CAN'T BEGIN TO THINK OF A TITLE FOR THIS THING


Oh gawd, I felt awful. I'd eaten way too much, and I knew I was going to pay when I ate it; but it was so good I couldn't help myself. I'd had a huge plate of uber spicey take-away Thai food, and a half a tamarind bar for dessert. I knew I'd get the runs later, I knew the peppers coming out would hurt like hell; but I had no idea what I was in for.

It was 1:00 A.M.. I'd eaten so much that I passed out after my meal. In fact, I'd eaten so much; I'm surprised I hadn't exploded. Now I had to get rid of either some of what I'd eaten, or something to make room for what I'd eaten. I felt like if I didn't get to the loo in the next minute, I was going to have an accident.

I turned on the hall light, the bathroom light, and groggily sat down on the toilet; roused from my deep, precious sleep by the call of the intestines.

There was a lot, and it came out fast and easy. I knew it would be a messy clean-up job, but then the unimagineable happened.

The toilet started gurgling.

Gods, was it going to flush itself from what I just did?

Well, whatever. I didn't like the sound of it, and I stood up to look at what was going on.

Oh no!

The water! It was rising. It was acting like it was going to overflow, but I hadn't even flushed!

I grabbed the plunger, was about to lift the lid, but the lid snapped at me. Three times.

I backed off, and the water stopped right at the brim. I couldn't put the plunger in without making a mess on the floor, and what a mess it would have been. Man, I didn't need this shit; having just woken up from a nice, deep sleep. Not that I wasn't wide awake now, but hey! Cleaning the bathroom floor of the mess I'd just gotten rid of was not something I wanted to do right now, if ever.

I didn't know what caused the lid to go up and down three times, but when I went to lift it again, I swear it tried to bite me. "What the. . ."

"Get away from you, you fat, disgusting slob!" came a voice that sounded hollow, and far away. Kind of like if I was talking to someone in a tunnel, a hundred yards away; or something. The voice was male, and it seemed to have a German accent.

Needless to say, I jumped. "Huh?"

"Man, I am sick of your abuse. You must have put on 30 pounds since you first moved here, but what you just did to me is inexcusable!!!!!"

I was stunned. "Who the hell are you, and where are you?"

"My name is Damon, and I am standing right in front of you, you clueless idiot."

"There is no one standing in front of me." If I hadn't been so taken by surprise, I suppose I may have been scared shitless by the circumstances if I didn't already. . .oh, never mind!

"You just downloaded the brownload on me big time, bitch. What do you mean, there is no one standing in front of you. And the smell of this one is about as nasty as you can get. I have HAD it with you!"

"A toilet is talking to me?"

The lid snapped again, and the water level went down a few centimeters. "No, the medicine cabinet is. Yes, a toilet is talking to you; you braindead moron. And you know something else? I refuse to take any more of your abuse. I don't get paid enough for this shit!"

"Can I at least wipe, and flush one last time?"

"NO! I QUIT!"

"What do you mean, you quit?!"

"Just what I said. English is my second language; being a Kholer toilet and all, and I know what 'quit' means. I will stop doing what I used to do, ya know? Retiring from this job?"

"You can do that?"

The lid snapped again. "Would you like to try and find out?" The toilet started gurgling again, and the water level rose to where it was before.

I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN QUIT! YOU CAN RETIRE! I'LL EVEN PAY YOU A PENSION! JUST DON'T OVERFLOW! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Nice of you to see things my way. And I would also like an apology, if you please."

"I'm sorry. Anything."

The lid snapped again. "Nice to have you see things my way, for a change."

"But can you please lower the water level? In fact, if you make everything go down, I'll clean you out if you like."

"That sounds pretty nice. Can you also clean the rest of me? Use a loofah sponge, and jasmine soap?"

"I guess so," I said.

"Oh, and take your time. Be real gentle. Treat me like one of your cats, you know?"

"OK, but I have to buy the sponge to-morrow. I don't have one on hand right now."

"You have all night grocery stores. You can go to one of those."

"I'll have to get dressed first, but can you flush yourself first without getting the sewer water all over the floor?"

"Oh, I suppose so." The water level went down, and then the flush mechanism activated itself.

The minute everything was as it should be, I turned the water off at the base of the toilet, wiped myself a number of times while throwing toilet paper in the loo, got a bucket under the sink after I pulled my skivvies up, filled it, and poured it down the toilet to flush the paper.
I'd work on getting a grip of my new reality later.

Or so I thought.

The toilet snapped again. "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO BETRAY ME?"

I crossed me arms. "No! What?"

"I FLOOD THEM OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!!!! RUN, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!"

Even though the water was turned off, the toilet gurgled again, and even more malevolently than before. The water level rose again. This time, it went over the edge and onto the floor.

I ran from the bathroom. The water just kept coming, though. I grabbed my clothes, and ran from the house, and considering the house was flooding; the cats ran out with me. I managed to get dressed, and found I had to keep running, for the toilet ended up flooding the front yard.

The water came out faster, and faster. Eventually the whole town was flooded, and it still didn't stop. There was nothing anyone could do. The water crossed the county and state lines, and still it went. In a week, the entire world was under 50 meters of water, and all life ended, including mine.

All because I didn't clean the toilet with a loofah sponge and jasmine soap.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 09 2008,9:28 am

:laugh:  :clap2: this is a Morgan original? are any of your friends cartoonists? ask one of 'em to  to turn this into a cartoon!  :laugh:  :clap2:
Posted by: Samaelz on Nov. 09 2008,3:20 pm

(Redneck Lady and her farmboys) They are totaly F-T UP outta their minds! I wonder how many different drugs they take everyday. (heres a wild guess of mine) Crack anybody? :laugh:


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 09 2008,9:57 pm

Yes, that is a Morgan original, but I know no cartoonists.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 11 2008,8:08 am

Something to say/do at the dinner table:

I admit it. I'm for selective breeding.
I don't think people who's nosehairs don't go at least halfway to the upper lip should have children. It obviously ruins the gene pool. (As you stroke your septum). Also, people with nose whiskers in addition to those nosehairs should be especially sought after.

(Especially if you're a chick)
Posted by: Samaelz on Nov. 12 2008,2:35 pm

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?
Masked potatoes.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'd like a beer and a mop!

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.

What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.

What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.

What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.

What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal?
SCREAM of Wheat.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.

What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 15 2008,5:50 pm

Cute list.  Now, wanna know what's up?  Find out here:
< http://www.rense.com/general84/up.htm >
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 18 2008,11:22 pm

The hazards of bein' male:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=136126 >

Though that thing about bein' afraid to reset the garbage disposal was a pretty bad one which had me rollin' on the floor.
Posted by: AngelicaRHill on Nov. 18 2008,11:32 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 19 2008,7:57 am

A poster replied to my post above on STA.  It was just as funny:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=217911 >

The advantages of bein' male.


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 23 2008,9:44 am

A car joke in video:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=218146 >

Followed by:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=218148 >


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 04 2008,12:55 pm

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER:

Sonny, come heah and sits in ma lap. I gots a little sumthin' to tell ya.

Ya know, I've been underemployed fer the last three yea-ahs, and I ain't been able to buy yous all no Christmas toys. In facts, we ain't even had us a Christmas dinner, but this yea-ah it's gonna be differnt. You is gonna gets a present this Christmas, and we's all gonna git us a Christmas dinner.

Boy, ya know you's the youngust on' heah. Furthest from gettin' a job an' all, so this is what me an ma decided. You's gonna be the family dinner this Christmas, and yo' present from me and ma is that you get to pick how you're cooked.


Posted by: Leilah on Dec. 04 2008,8:17 pm

Cher....y'all gonna be dun up like one-a dem, cayenne rubbed "skullirls...we make a yambiille gumbo file" wit ya' ass, toss ya on da grill wit sum tasso cream sauce. Slap ya on down with some dirty rice and collard greens. Yum, dare's sum good eatin's!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 05 2008,12:01 am

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 05 2008,9:22 am

Morgan and Leilah, you're both hilarious! :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :beer: thanks for the laughs. great way to start the morning.
Posted by: Leilah on Dec. 05 2008,8:02 pm

Don'cha worry bro, I gotya sum alley-gay-ta po'boy fer mornin' time. We gonna mix it up good wit some Andouille an' sum Boudin an cracklin's. You gonna jus' luv it!

Mke y'all coonasses, and y'all fit right in for the next Fais do do here down on da bayou!
Joie de Vivre
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 06 2008,5:24 am

:laugh: Oh man, that's even funnier when you really know the language and ain't fakin' it.  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 07 2008,12:30 am

Oh, I can be soooooo meeeeean.

Went to the CU today, and the teller (a total fox and a half) confessed to being the parent of two.  Ya know how hard I had to fight not to say, "Oh!  So you're a MILF!"  (I told that to Danu after we got out, and 'it' about hit the floor.)  At the window, when I made my withdrawel, I gave Danu $100.00 from my check, and said, "Here!  Clean the apartment, bitch."

Both Danu and the teller laughed.  We think the teller said something like, "Here!  Clean the apartment, bitch; dear."

I dunno if I'm gonna tell the teller the MILF thing.  Probably not.  She's our fav, and we get along pretty good now.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Dec. 17 2008,11:47 pm

Scientists Discover New Element, the Heaviest Yet Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.


Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.


When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

:laugh: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Leilah on Dec. 18 2008,8:30 am

OH! That's a KEEPER, Danu!  :laugh:  :smoke:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 18 2008,12:13 pm

From now on when introducing myself, it is tempting to say:

"My twatplug bitch of an incubator is a Kraut, the sperm donor's an Albanian, and I'm Irish. You got a problem with that?"


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 21 2008,1:10 pm

What Chrismas means to me:
< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=219514 >

Gods, Eric Idle's great.  He expresses my philosphy perfectly.  I mean, considering it is a defilement of a perfectly sweet Pagan holidy.

Happy Winter Solstice, by the way.  I should be partying and concentrating on my gods, bo NOOOOOOOO!  I gotta go to work for a high stress evening in a pressure cooker.

Oh well.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 22 2008,3:33 pm

This is soooooo NOT nice, but kinda funny:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=138135 >

Something vaguely related happened to me.  Someone had one of my plates and I got a ticket for something that happened in Los Angeles.  I've never been to L.A. proper, and I'm not planning on going.  (Landed at an airport in the vicinity when I was a 10 year old landmine detector for a trip to Disneyland, but I don't even remember what airport, anything.  I think it was the L.A. airport, but I never set foot it the city.)  Problem was, the plates belonged to my Ford Escort, and not the thing that was cited; so this sort of thing should be easy to fight.  The DMV is also pretty stupid in not verifying the plate matches what the car is supposed to be.  No one pays attention to what's in front of them.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 27 2008,10:29 am

Me an Danu have been cloned. One of them is the owner/moderator of Surfing the Apocalypse, and this is what she, I mean 'it' (Theresa is an honourary nose, and forfeited her gender.) introduced us to on the phone last night:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BJWAMd2IbI >
(Teenage Enema Nurses In Bondage)

Lyrics:
I.
Ooh-wah-ooh-wah-ooh-wah
Ooh-wah-ooh-wah-ooh-wah
Oooh-wah-oooh
Oooh-wah-oooh
Teenage, green age, awkward in-between age
Teenage Enema Nurse
I turned fifteen, thought it was a teen scene
Teenage Enema Nurse
Thought it would be easy, but it makes me queasy
I'm a Teenage Enema Nurse!

(chorus)
We're all just --
Teenage Enema Nurse
Nurses in bondage!
Teenage Enema Nurse
Nurses in bondage!
Teenage Enema Nurse
Nurses in bondage!
Teenage Enema Nurse

They must have left a chapter out.
In student nursing classes.
They never taught me all about
Those tubes and lubes and asses.
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse
They told me, "Stick the nozzle in;
There's really nothing to it!
It's not a very pretty job
But someone's got to do it!"
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse

(repeat chorus)
(music interlude)

II.
Ooh-wah-ooh-wah-ooh-wah
Ooh-wah-ooh-wah-ooh-wah
Oooh-wah-oooh
Oooh-wah-oooh
Teen job, mean job, not a very clean job
Teenage Enema Nurse
Poses with hoses; ain't no bed of roses
Teenage Enema Nurse
There are no vacations, just evacuations
I'm a Teenage Enema Nurse

(repeat chorus)

I had my first emergency
It made me so disgusted
The bag swelled up with urgency
To empty, and it busted
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse

The work is ****, the pay is low
I labor night and day
I'd quit, but I'm so broke I know
I'll never find a way
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse
Teenage Enema Nurse, Teenage Enema Nurse

(repeat chorus)
(music interlude)

This job stinks!

*************

If only there'd been a video! Or maybe not.


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 01 2009,1:53 am

I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT!!!!!

I wasn't born here, and I admit it. But if I was, would promising a nosehair coat for every closet and a box of tofu for every 'fridge get me elected? After all, it worked for Hoover.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 01 2009,6:03 am

This is a remake of White Room, by Cream.

Nose Wars (Uh, I'd call myself Coffee or Milk, or something. . .if. . . )

In the nose wars, tongues get snotted; noses get licked.
It gets ugly, but it happens; no denying.
It's disgusting, never ending; it's a lost hope.
I have found it.  Sanctuary, from the nose wars.

I'll wait in this place, in the Kingdom of Peace;
Wait in this place, where the nose lies down with the tongue.

You said no place, could exist here, without nose wars.
Tongues and noses, going at it, slurps and dribbles.
I walked into, such a big mess, in one battle.
Dodging mucus, flying spittle, and vile noises.

I'll wait in the place, where the snot never flies;
Stay with you, where the nose lies down with the tongue.

How it started, is beyond me, but it goes on.
Flaring nostrils, all are loaded; ready to blow.
Tongues defensive, taste buds ready, all to slobber.
I have had it.  I can't take this.  It must now end.

I'll go to the place, of the Kingdom of Peace;
Go to the place, where the nose lies down with the tongue.

(Is anyone gonna put a contract on me for this?)


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 02 2009,5:40 pm

Man, Ramsey Clark keeps e-mailin' me to sign some dayam petition fer Gaza. Ah wish he'd knock it off.

Ah means, Ah wants ta get nuked, OK?????? Ground Zero? It's a dream of mine. Has been fer a long time. (O' is that spelled 'tam'?) Now from what Ah reads in the news, Ah figer that the mo' Palestinians gets killed, the faster Iran is gonna nuke Israel (a ton o' Iranians have enlisted to fight fer da Palestinians), and us; bein' Israel's ally, are gonna go after Iran, who has Russia as an ally, and ya'll get ma drift? Ah ain't signin' (O' is dat spelled 'sahnin') no dayam petition tha's gonna mess up ma dreyams, no ways!!!!!

(Imagine if I bought time on the radio for that one!)


Posted by: Leilah on Jan. 02 2009,7:59 pm

I say fuckin' nuke the entire region :uzi: Give the world a break from all of the drama. If these people haven't learned to just GET ALONG after how many friggin centuries? They don't deserve to try again, if THIS life. on THIS plane.

Where's the damn red button, anyway! :angelic:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 02 2009,9:16 pm

Hey!  I really do refuse to sign the petition.  Don't blame me if nobody gets nuked.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 02 2009,9:45 pm

If you're gonna get politically incorrect do it right, huh?

OKaaaaaaaaay! Islam! Don't dat mean surrender, or submission or sumthin'? Weeeeeeeell, I have decided to completely submit to the will o' ma Death Gods. Do dat make me a good Muslim?

(Wake me up when there's a Fatwah out on me, OK?)


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 03 2009,3:10 pm

I HAVE A DREAM:

A vision of infinite awesomeness that is beyond reality. Imagine this! Queensryche finds all my lyrics!

Loogie Loogie! (Louie Louie) On The Rag Again! (On The Road Again) Temple Of The Raspy Tongue! (Owner Of A Broken Heart) Nose Wars! (White Room) Those Nostrils In The Sky! (Ghost Riders In The Sky) Snorfleen! (Jolene) A Luau Song! (A Christmas Song) Snorflin' Too Hard! (Pushin' Too Hard) Carry On My Wayward Nose! (Carry On My Wayward Son)

And they perform them! Straight faced, with all the passion of the originals. And they sell more copies than every musician of the past combined. And then I wake up.

Or should I see if I can e-mail Geoff Tate?


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 03 2009,4:40 pm

JIM DURANTE'S NOSE

Her nostrils have free will,
Snorfling a rose.
Her nares are never still.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
She'll turn her nostrils on you.
You won't have time to close
The door.  A woe to rue.
She got Jim Durante's nose,

And she'll snot you.
She'll allot you
Enough to really repulse you.
She's antisocial, and aware
What harm can do a loaded nare.
She is standing in a combat pose.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.

She'll bend you to her will.
Her nostrils never close.
She'll make you pay the bill
She got Jim Durante's nose.
She'll take your nosehairs from you.
Pluck you like chicken clothes.
Your pain will make you mew.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.

She'll dribble on you, and wipe you.
She's no consideration for you.
She's obnoxious and quite aware
Of the power of her great nares.
She snores when she's in a doze.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.

And she'll snot you.
She'll allot you
Enough to really repulse you.
She's antisocial, and aware
What harm can do a loaded nare.
She snores when she's in a doze.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.


And she'll snot you.
She'll allot you
Enough to really repulse you.
She's got Jim Durante's nose
She'll dribble on you, and wipe you.
She'll snot you.
She's got Jim Durante's nose.
Posted by: Leilah on Jan. 03 2009,7:58 pm

You are a SICK, SICK person!!! What is YOUR thing with noses????  :laugh:

Imagine, if you will, someone else who have a differiing "large appendage" making songs like these. IKES!!!  SCARY!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 03 2009,8:09 pm

Thank you.  Uh. . .yeah.  On the different appendage; but noses are so much purtier.  Let's just say this is a hobby.
Posted by: Jentzi on Jan. 07 2009,7:39 pm

:laugh:  For some reason, I was thinking "armpits" there..
Itd be gross though.. 2 armpits in the sky.  :worm:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2009,2:48 pm

Armpit!  Cute.  I'm NOT  gonna redo it again, though.

Here's a link to 'Zen' philosophies. . .NOT!

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=138899 >

Some are repeaters, some new.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2009,3:21 pm

I'm obnoxious, I'm gruesome, and I'm proud of it.  One thing I just love doin', is askin', "Wanna see a killer head shot?"  and if they say yes, I bring up a site with a decapitated head.

That only works once.

Yeah, I found another one today.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 09 2009,4:41 pm

The next time you're on an elevator with someone, ask, "Remember that flick, The List Of Adrian Messenger"?

If they look like they're old enough to have seen it, anyway.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 27 2009,1:10 pm

< http://www.rayelan.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=10948 >

A blonde joke, but it should be more like a 'average chick' and car joke.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 01 2009,8:47 am

An IRS joke:
< http://www.rayelan.com/cgi-bin/members/forum.cgi?read=11061 >

Great fot the dinner table.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 02 2009,9:56 am

I subscribe to e-mails from about.com geography guide. I got one this morning that said the U.S. had a huge baby boom, so I had to respond:

Brilliant move when we're on the verge of a complete economic implosion. The human race is delusional when it thinks it's the most intelligent animal on the planet. It seems like the only thing we're good for is exploiting and destroying all that is.

On the other hand, what were the Chinese famous for in the famine years? (Got any rice with those baby back ribs?)


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 02 2009,9:20 pm

What retired people do to have fun:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=140557 >

This is a joke, and it had me rolling on the floor.  At least I hope it's just a joke.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 17 2009,5:46 pm

< http://www.loservillex.com/loser/zeeplayer/toiletry.htm >

Remember my story about the sentient toilet that destroyed the world?  Well, this video goes well with that.  Oh, and let me repost what has been called 'Noah's Toilet', for those who may have missed it.

****************************************************

NOAH'S TOILET

Oh gawd, I felt awful. I'd eaten way too much, and I knew I was going to pay when I ate it; but it was so good I couldn't help myself. I'd had a huge plate of uber spicey take-away Thai food, and a half a tamarind bar for dessert. I knew I'd get the runs later, I knew the peppers coming out would hurt like hell; but I had no idea what I was in for.

It was 1:00 A.M.. I'd eaten so much that I passed out after my meal. In fact, I'd eaten so much; I'm surprised I hadn't exploded. Now I had to get rid of either some of what I'd eaten, or something to make room for what I'd eaten. I felt like if I didn't get to the loo in the next minute, I was going to have an accident.

I turned on the hall light, the bathroom light, and groggily sat down on the toilet; roused from my deep, precious sleep by the call of the intestines.

There was a lot, and it came out fast and easy. I knew it would be a messy clean-up job, but then the unimagineable happened.

The toilet started gurgling.

Gods, was it going to flush itself from what I just did?

Well, whatever. I didn't like the sound of it, and I stood up to look at what was going on.

Oh no!

The water! It was rising. It was acting like it was going to overflow, but I hadn't even flushed!

I grabbed the plunger, was about to lift the lid, but the lid snapped at me. Three times.

I backed off, and the water stopped right at the brim. I couldn't put the plunger in without making a mess on the floor, and what a mess it would have been. Man, I didn't need this shit; having just woken up from a nice, deep sleep. Not that I wasn't wide awake now, but hey! Cleaning the bathroom floor of the mess I'd just gotten rid of was not something I wanted to do right now, if ever.

I didn't know what caused the lid to go up and down three times, but when I went to lift it again, I swear it tried to bite me. "What the. . ."

"Get away from you, you fat, disgusting slob!" came a voice that sounded hollow, and far away. Kind of like if I was talking to someone in a tunnel, a hundred yards away; or something. The voice was male, and it seemed to have a German accent.

Needless to say, I jumped. "Huh?"

"Man, I am sick of your abuse. You must have put on 30 pounds since you first moved here, but what you just did to me is inexcusable!!!!!"

I was stunned. "Who the hell are you, and where are you?"

"My name is Damon, and I am standing right in front of you, you clueless idiot."

"There is no one standing in front of me." If I hadn't been so taken by surprise, I suppose I may have been scared shitless by the circumstances if I didn't already. . .oh, never mind!

"You just downloaded the brownload on me big time, bitch. What do you mean, there is no one standing in front of you. And the smell of this one is about as nasty as you can get. I have HAD it with you!"

"A toilet is talking to me?"

The lid snapped again, and the water level went down a few centimeters. "No, the medicine cabinet is. Yes, a toilet is talking to you; you braindead moron. And you know something else? I refuse to take any more of your abuse. I don't get paid enough for this shit!"

"Can I at least wipe, and flush one last time?"

"NO! I QUIT!"

"What do you mean, you quit?!"

"Just what I said. English is my second language; being a Kholer toilet and all, and I know what 'quit' means. I will stop doing what I used to do, ya know? Retiring from this job?"

"You can do that?"

The lid snapped again. "Would you like to try and find out?" The toilet started gurgling again, and the water level rose to where it was before.

I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU CAN QUIT! YOU CAN RETIRE! I'LL EVEN PAY YOU A PENSION! JUST DON'T OVERFLOW! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Nice of you to see things my way. And I would also like an apology, if you please."

"I'm sorry. Anything."

The lid snapped again. "Nice to have you see things my way, for a change."

"But can you please lower the water level? In fact, if you make everything go down, I'll clean you out if you like."

"That sounds pretty nice. Can you also clean the rest of me? Use a loofah sponge, and jasmine soap?"

"I guess so," I said.

"Oh, and take your time. Be real gentle. Treat me like one of your cats, you know?"

"OK, but I have to buy the sponge to-morrow. I don't have one on hand right now."

"You have all night grocery stores. You can go to one of those."

"I'll have to get dressed first, but can you flush yourself first without getting the sewer water all over the floor?"

"Oh, I suppose so." The water level went down, and then the flush mechanism activated itself.

The minute everything was as it should be, I turned the water off at the base of the toilet, wiped myself a number of times while throwing toilet paper in the loo, got a bucket under the sink after I pulled my skivvies up, filled it, and poured it down the toilet to flush the paper. I'd work on getting a grip of my new reality later.

Or so I thought.

The toilet snapped again. "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO BETRAY ME?"

I crossed me arms. "No! What?"

"I FLOOD THEM OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!!!! RUN, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!"

Even though the water was turned off, the toilet gurgled again, and even more malevolently than before. The water level rose again. This time, it went over the edge and onto the floor.

I ran from the bathroom. The water just kept coming, though. I grabbed my clothes, and ran from the house, and considering the house was flooding; the cats ran out with me. I managed to get dressed, and found I had to keep running, for the toilet ended up flooding the front yard.

The water came out faster, and faster. Eventually the whole town was flooded, and it still didn't stop. There was nothing anyone could do. The water crossed the county and state lines, and still it went. In a week, the entire world was under 50 metres of water, and all life ended, including mine.

All because I didn't clean the toilet with a loofah sponge and jasmine soap.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 18 2009,4:34 pm

This is kinda mean, but I had to laugh:
< http://www.terrisfp.com/lintoons/cured.html >

It's a cartoon making fun of pigs and words.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 21 2009,5:06 pm

This joke is hilarious.  You'll never see the end coming:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=141737 >

It's a feminist thing, sort of.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 25 2009,6:39 am

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin....=222770 >

Hit the page two thing at the bottom. It is a joke based on a satyrical novel.


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 02 2009,5:41 pm

This is an oldie.  It might be here already, but hey!  It's been a while:

Subject: Wrong email address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
.
.
.
.
.

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: August 8, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

Blessings,

Your loving husband
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 25 2009,6:47 pm

CITY OF CHICAGO MATH

Gods, this is hilarious.  How to teach the city brats math for practical application so they actually learn:

< http://www.rense.com/general85/chimath.htm >
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 27 2009,10:35 am

JONATHAN SWIFT, EAT MY DUST
****************************************************

CANNIBALISM

Hot topic. In contemplating this subject, I am prone to wonder if peoples' alleged aversion to cannibalism is instinctive, or learned. I dunno, 'cause to me it don't matter one way or another. In fact, after the twits living across from us kept me awake 'til how long; I figured it was better them on my plate, than them with their brood of screechlings disturbing my peace until the wee hours.

I got my room mate into this, and he says he can't deal with the concept of eating a person. He thinks they're nasty. I told him the animal kingdom seems to think so too, since people aren't eaten unless it's a last resort for the more discerning critters. Then there's those who'll eat anything. Mostly the big lizzies like gators, crocks, and Komodo dragons, but hey. Room mate says then that he's more closely linked to the animal kingdom on eating people. I told him I'm more closely linked to my feelings of guilt on eating critters.

I also wonder if the illegality of cannibalism is linked to economics. After all, if you eat your wayward child; you will no longer have to spend thousands of dollars a year supporting it, and you take money away from the cattle and sheep ranchers, and the factory farms raising pigs, chickens and turkeys. Can't have everybody raising their own livestock now, can we? No money exchanged, no taxes paid, etc. . . Makes you wonder.


Posted by: lyliaun on Mar. 28 2009,7:04 pm

I want to be a stuffed standing human with legs that nice when I die, better than being a mannequin.

< http://www.coffincase.com/cases/cases.html >
Posted by: Morgan on April 03 2009,2:59 pm

Something I did when we went to a local tavern for lattes:

I'm sittin' there, Danu is across from me, I start pettin' my own nose, and start goanin, and the usual "Oh God, Oh God", and all that, then let out a "Ahhhhhhhhhh," and stop.  Next time I think I'll do it at the bar and collapse on it after I'm done, provided there's enough room.

They also have this relatively cute bartender with one hell of a nose, and I generally order the lattes and tip ridiculously high.  I tell him it's because of his nose.  Last time, I told him his nose was all that mattered to me.  He didn't count.

Man, me and Danu have got to come up with a rehearesed skit that will hopefully not get us exiled and banned.
Posted by: Rev. Dr. N. on April 04 2009,7:34 am



---------------------QUOTE-------------------
I'm sittin' there, Danu is across from me, I start pettin' my own nose, and start goanin, and the usual "Oh God, Oh God", and all that, then let out a "Ahhhhhhhhhh," and stop.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


:laugh: I actually have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. That's good stuff.
Posted by: Rev. Dr. N. on April 04 2009,7:38 am

and, that thing on cannibalism made me really hungry.

(doing my best Homer Simpson): mmm.... neighbor....
Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2009,10:03 am

I know the feeling.  I stopped eating red meat after reading excerpts from Slaughterhouse by Gail Eisnitz, and I do miss some of it.  A 'longpig' shashlik with some Fiji style rice would do me  good right now.  Hmmmmm!

Well, we are going to Curry Corner later.  I'll ask if she has anyone on the menu.
Posted by: Rev. Dr. N. on April 04 2009,12:48 pm

I know what I'm about to write isn't necessarily funny (ok, at least someone on this board will find this funny), but you mentioned "longpig". People often wonder why we're called "longpig" by the canninalistic tribes. Here's the brief, but disturbing answer:

When you butcher the head off of someone from the front to the back, the opened windpipe, lungs still violently gasping for breath, makes a whistling, squealing noise which sounds just like a squealing pig.

Yeah... I just actually made myself lose my appetite over that.

*sigh* :shake:
Posted by: Morgan on April 06 2009,11:43 am

I just found out what MBA stands for:

Mostly Bad Accountants

And. . .

Vegetarian: Sanskrit for lousy hunter


Posted by: Morgan on April 07 2009,6:23 pm

This ain't mine:

One question that always stymies us--that is, why cannot people eat people?  Is there a commandment in man's religion in which it is written that we cannot eat people? In what country is there a law against eating people? It's simply morality. But, what is morality? Isn't morality simply something that man whimsically changes from time to time based on his/her own so-called needs of human being in the
course of human progress.

From this we might thus conclude:  So long as it can be done in a way that does not commit a crime, eating people is not forbidden by any of man or societies laws or religions; I herewith announce my intention and my aim to eat
people as a protest against mankind's moral idea that he/she cannot eat people. (qtd. in Hua 192)

Man, this guy's worse than I am.  This is an excerpt from:

< http://www.iath.virginia.edu/pmc/text-only/issue.502/12.3rojas.txt >
Posted by: Morgan on April 08 2009,3:12 am

Dilbert does a Morgan:
< http://news.yahoo.com/comics/090408/cx_dilbert_umedia/20090804 >

Sooooooo, who's on the menu today?


Posted by: Morgan on April 11 2009,9:47 am

George Clinton rocks!  Love 'im musically, but this Sir Nose thing under the Parliament section is just too much!   :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

< http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P_Funk_mythology >
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 11 2009,10:53 am

free yo' mind, and yo' nose will follow! :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on April 12 2009,5:39 am

DAMMIT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

I dunno. They gots themselves some annoyin' habits. Like it they gots themselves some o' dem dar land mine detec. . .I mean childrun? They likes feels like obligated to share 'em wid everybody. WELL I DON' WANNA SEE 'EM, OK?
So Ah tells a buddy o' mine that the next time someone pulls out der wallet, I'm gonna tells 'em, "UNLESS YO CHIL' LOOKS LIKE JOHN MERRICK OR SUMTHIN', I DON'' WANNA SEE IT, OK?"

Anyways, my buddy tells me, "Don'' do that. I gots a betta idea."

I axed, "What is it?"

My buddy says, "Let 'em shows ya they' pictures, then you pulls out a picture of a hamburger, and tells 'em 'This here's a picture of what's left o' mine.  He was delicious, I tells ya.'"


Posted by: Morgan on April 14 2009,2:30 pm

Sadism at its best:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPwJ5198iYU&feature=related >

This has got to be the absolute WORST rendition of Popcorn, anywhere.

I warned you.

So you're gonna listen to it anyway.

OK!

S & M post.


Posted by: HOLDEN on April 15 2009,10:06 am

call me weird, but i sincerely enjoyed that. i think it improves on the original. :laugh:

(NO JOKE)
Posted by: Morgan on April 15 2009,1:19 pm

I thought it was funnier than hell.  I liked the original, though.

I'd like to know the group who was in that video.  They can probably kick butt with REAL Mediaeval music.
Posted by: Morgan on April 20 2009,12:24 am

I haven't done this yet:

In a relatively quiet restaurant, when either paying or ordering, in a not too subtly voice, say, "Yo!  I just cornrowed my 5 inch armpit hairs.  Wanna see 'em?"

But I probably won't do that.  After all, I'm not gonna go to the trouble of gettin' my oxter fur cornrowed, and the chick or studmuffin might call my bluff.

Did I catch anyone scarfin' a meal at their compooter with this one?  (Heh-heh-heh)  If so, your welcome.

(Slow night, OK?  Too hot to sleep, and there is that reputation of mine I must retain.)
Posted by: Morgan on April 23 2009,3:25 am

If you're a dude of male gender, be glad you ain't a bee.  You could only reproduce once.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6s2HfSHHsQ >

'Green Porn'.  No, it's nothing controvercial.  In fact, it's rated 'G'.  God damn, this chick is hilarious. (ISABELLA ROSELLINI)
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 23 2009,9:39 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Jentzi on April 26 2009,12:28 am

XD Watched all I could find of them.. Hilarious!


< http://main.fknnewz.com/blog/?p=427 >

Strange blog-entry, but funny. :D
Posted by: lyliaun on May 02 2009,7:42 pm

Holy rocks ...  :laugh:  we should seriously turn that into a flyer when 2012 ("doomsday")  is here and pass it around.
Posted by: lyliaun on May 02 2009,8:01 pm

my hubby and I were joking about the swine flu we are thinking of taking clips of Bavmorda off of Willow turning people into pigs and put it into a spoof video. I know a perfect stunt double for Bavmorda but alas I would not touch her with a ten foot pole in real life.
Posted by: Morgan on May 07 2009,4:51 pm

Imagine tryin' to pick up a guy like this:

Yo!  Can I borrow you once before you lose the rest of your hair?
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on May 10 2009,7:55 pm

:eyemouth: IF I DIDN'T POST THIS, SOMEONE THREATENED TO ANYWAY :eyemouth:

Incredible Story For Everyone

*In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in **Kenya** after
graduating from Northwestern University ..

*

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing
with one leg raised in the air.

*

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

*

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

*

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his
knife,

*

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

*

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments.

*

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

*

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

*

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
*
*
*
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the **Chicago** Zoo with his
teenaged son.

*

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

*

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

*

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down.

*

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.

*

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

*

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way
into the enclosure..

*

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

*

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs

*

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
*
*
*
Probably wasn't the same f** 'n** elephant.

*

** This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bu//$h!t stories. :headbang:
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 11 2009,9:35 am

:clap2:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2009,10:08 am

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD, THAT

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty..

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ... The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

From surfingtheapocalypse. I don't write 'em like this.  Here's a recent add-on from Nemesis/Tom Braun:

The economy is so bad, Obama appeared in a flight suit and declared economic recovery was complete.

The economy is so bad, Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.

The economy is so bad, Dr. Seuss rose from the grave to write a new book: Green Eggs and Spam.

The economy is so bad that I went to my bank to get a loan, they said, "What a coincidence! That's just what we were going to ask you!"

The economy is so bad, Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can!"

The economy is so bad, my ATM gave me an IOU!

The economy is so bad I saw a man in Costco buying one roll of toilet paper.

The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.


Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2009,1:46 pm

Confession time:

I got one o' these. The skivvies, not the dress. I'm not secure enough in my nosculinity to wear a dress.

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=146785 >
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on May 16 2009,1:00 pm

:eyemouth: TAKING THE P!$$ :eyemouth:

Don't let the YouTube title on this one fool you, this is really a Kiss parody, not Kiss "shredding". It's P!$$, LMAO!

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw5oJoUYTb8 >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some thought it even was better than the real thing.......LMAO!
:laugh: :headbang: :worm: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on May 22 2009,5:56 pm

< http://blogs.redding.com/tpratt/archives/2009/05/careful-this-we.html >

Funniest DUI video I ever saw in my life. Gods, is that ending fer real?!

Edit update.  Someone told me it was a spoof from Reno 911, whatever the hell that is.  Still, it's a real crack up.


Posted by: Morgan on May 24 2009,4:20 am

Johnny Cash does Elvis.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v....mbedded >
Posted by: Morgan on May 27 2009,4:02 pm

This is what too much TV does to writers:

(And I haven't had a TV connected in years.)


THE SPACE COWBOY VERSUS COMET ELVIRA

"Ground Control to Major Clem. Come in, Major Clem."

"Ah'm a'raaaght heah standin' on top o' the moon, Colonel Nelson. I see 'er a'comin', and Ah'm ready fer 'er."

"Good. If you can catch her, it ought to save us a fortune on fuel costs and building materials. Why waste the money if you can see the ends of the galaxy for free."

"She's a'gettin' closer. Ah gots me ma rope out. She's a long 'un, but 'er circumference ain't much. Dem dar mathy-maticians blow ma mand (mind). The saddle 'ill prob'ly fit lak (like) a glove, and I ain't talkin no O.J. Simpson."

"Keep in touch, and let me know your progress."

"She's abayout on me, Colonel Nelson. Headed raaaaaght fer me. I got 'er, I got 'er, YEEEEEEE
HAWWWWWWWWW, I GOT 'ER!"

"You got the lasso around her neck?"

"Yeah, and I'm gonna get on 'er. . .oh no! She's a'buckin'! She too big fer me to pull 'er in an' get the saddle on 'er. . .Oh no! She be lookin' at me, an' I don'' like the look in 'er eyes!"

"Major Clem, are you all right?"

"She be a takin' off. I'm out in space, racin'. . .OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE BE TURNIN'"

"Major Clem! Tell us exactly what's happening."

"I gots mah rope 'round 'er neck, I'm on 'er back, but she's wilder 'n' any bronk I evah rode. I don'' know if I'm gonna surviiiiiive this, Colonel Nelson. Uh, can I call ya Tony?"

"Off the record, Major Clem. Yes. For now."

"She be headed back to da moon, and we's a'goin' maaaghty fayaaast. She gonna try ta ditch me."

"Just keep talking."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! She headed raaaaght fer the ground! We's gonna crash. Ah'm gonna daaaaaaaah!

"Can you hold on a moment while we cancel your life insurance policy first, Major Clem?"

"WHO CAYAS (cares)?! AH GONNA BE FLATTER 'N' A FLAPJACK IN SECONDS!"

"You still there, Major Clem?"

"Yeeeyahs. She done stop short, and I went over 'er 'ead, laaaaak (like) ya do on a baaak (bike) when's ya only use da front end brayyyakes. Ah guess this heyah (here) missions a failya."

"We'll try it again, but next time we'll send you up with a bridle."

"Okee-dokey."


(Man, do I want to post this on any other forums?)


Posted by: Morgan on May 27 2009,10:25 pm

SOMETHING FUN TO DO IF YOU TEACH THIRD GRADE:

Make the little buggers read Jabberwocky, and write an essay on what it means to them.  Play it totally straight, like it's a serious project.

Hey, and do it with 7th graders and 10 graders too to see how dumb we've gotten.

Unfortunately, with my psychological make-up, I would have probably tried to actually do the assignment at the times listed above.
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 28 2009,4:14 pm

that's one of my favorite poems, and i commited it to memory when i was a kid! :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 28 2009,4:25 pm

I must admit, I like it too.
Posted by: Morgan on May 30 2009,7:09 pm

We all know what a  button pusher I am, don't we?  Well, I thought it might be so much fun to print up a picture of the character of 'Mason Verger' (No, I'm NOT going to post any links, 'cause I don't want to be exiled from this site again.  They are GROSS.), or the alleged picture that inspired the character which was a pic of a guy who allegedly did peel his face off with mirror shards, though someone else thinks he got a shotgun blast to the face. . .and put the picture in the back window of my car so all the complex kiddies can look at it and have nightmares.

But I won't.  I'm unemployed, and printer ink costs too much.  Same with replacing the car window.
Posted by: Morgan on June 02 2009,2:12 pm

Oh, the stupidity of our government:
< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=147965 >

I wonder if we'll ever see the reply from the government regarding messing with a landowner over what some wild beavers (The furry critters with the flat tails.  Just wanted to clarify.).
Posted by: Jentzi on June 02 2009,5:02 pm

HI-LA-RI-OUS!

I tried getting the joke across to friend, but Im laughing too hard.  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 02 2009,8:24 pm

How to kill yourself with farts:

< http://weeklywire.com/ww/10-20-97/nash_ol-helter_shelter.html >
Posted by: Jentzi on June 04 2009,8:52 am

... Naaasty! XD

I had a hoot today. Friend got new games, and showed the covers to me, all proud.. I took a look at the Warhammer-game and asked him why they stuck a mummified gorilla in a helmet on the front cover.  :laugh:

He did -not- appreciate it. He didnt appreciate me calling the "Eternal Sonata"-cover "Red Riding Hood goes anime, and brought a few friends over to taste the yummy mushrooms and spend some time with the mad hatter" either... I wont even comment on what I said about the Red Alert 3-cover (lets just say "armed angry prostitute"), but it rendered me a headslap and a grumble about coffee.

Sheesh, he has -no- humour.  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on June 08 2009,4:27 pm

This is so insane, it's unbelievable.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZPoo9NGtvY&feature=related >

Car chase.  Totally nuts, but I laughed anyway.  I'm just glad I wasn't there.
Posted by: Jentzi on June 09 2009,2:46 pm

.... Not really the kind of car you tend to imagine being used in a carchase.. I seriously thought it was a drunk soccer-mom or something until I read the description.  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 10 2009,1:49 pm

This is just a nose thing:

OK!   When I do something I don't like doing, I call it work.  Preferably, I'd like to be compensated when I 'work'.  Now, there is something I absolutely must do that I really can't stand doing, but I have never been compensated for it in my entire life.  This is emptying the bladder and intenstines.  I'm sick of it!

If I don't get paid for it the next time I do it, I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jentzi on June 10 2009,10:08 pm

*nods seriously* Its probably for the best.. Ive heard that people die in the bathroom.. better not take any chances.  :worm:

(I call things I dont want to do "training".. You feel glad when its over, and everytime you have to do it, unless youre completely nuts for it, its with a certain amount of grumble).
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on June 14 2009,12:47 am

:eyemouth: ANOTHER COMPELLING REASON TO CONSIDER BEING VEGETARIAN :eyemouth:

In recent times, I've seen a lot of lunacy linked to promoting the consumption of meat-based fast foods. Just last year alone, Burger King had ads in train stations & on billboards that were rather suspect, the first one being:

"One World, one Whopper"
(trippy globalist conspiracy reference)

Also:

The "Angry Whopper"
(most of the ads for this one were prominent in urban ghetto areas).

So, first we have "burgers uber alles", then we have something completely nonsensical (how does *anger* mix with food? Terrible marketing!). Or perhaps gangsta marketing?

Well, now it's time for something bigger, badder, & outright beastly.......

KISS BURGER

< http://www.kissburger.com/ >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Warning- do not go here if you are easily offended, but if you aren't- be sure & click ALL the links!

This has to be seen to be disbelieved.

Cheers! :laugh: :shake: :clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on June 20 2009,9:45 am

I LOVE Robert Service. He's hilarious, and he's written stuff that agrees with my philosophy of life. This just came to me this morn', and I thought I'd share.  I also hope I didn't post this already.  PoemHunter.com has sent it to me once before, so. . .

The Cremation Of Sam McGee

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam 'round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he'd often say in his homely way that he'd "sooner live in hell".

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka's fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we'd close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn't see;
It wasn't much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o'erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and "Cap," says he, "I'll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I'm asking that you won't refuse my last request."

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn't say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
"It's the cursed cold, and it's got right hold till I'm chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet 'tain't being dead -- it's my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you'll cremate my last remains."

A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn't a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say:
"You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains."

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows -- O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I'd often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the "Alice May".
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then "Here," said I, with a sudden cry, "is my cre-ma-tor-eum."

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared, and the furnace roared -- such a blaze you seldom see;
And I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn't like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don't know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: "I'll just take a peep inside.
I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked"; . . . then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: "Please close that door.
It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm --
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it's the first time I've been warm."

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Robert W. Service


Posted by: Jentzi on June 23 2009,4:46 pm

I remember reading this somewhere :D It -is- hilarious!

Me and sis spent some time yesterday inventing new beliefs to introduce to the Jehova's witnesses, and we got into talking like people did "back home"... Eventually we decided that we would state that we believed in coffee, sandwiches, chopping wood and have a drink.. Inviting people for coffee is a way to start friendships or connect to people here, and sandwiches is always more welcome than cookies or cakes (although people do remember the cookies and cakes better), where we lived when we were small, wood was everything, and having a drink meant that you could relax for a spell.. But most drinks involved coffee.

We had one variety where we stated that we believed in mashed potatoes and sausages, because people with filled bellies are happy people, and people without filled bellies are not happy people, especially when they eventually get hungry.
But it shouldnt be the fast-make-variety but the homemade one with real potatoes.. Some branches allow peas in their mash, but that is an abomination if you cant stand it.  :laugh:

Actually it was alot of complicated reasoning behind believing in coffee and mashed potatoes, but damn if I can remember it, it was after midnight.
Posted by: Morgan on June 23 2009,5:34 pm

On lutefisk and Wisconsin:

< http://netnet.net/~pineaire/Lutefisk.html >

Yeah, some things are repeated, but hey.


Posted by: Morgan on June 28 2009,5:53 am

IF I WERE A GATE KEEPER (MOSTLY FOR MY SHORT STORY READERS)

(Especially the last one. Ya know! The Haunting'?)

Ahhhhhhhh! If I came 'cross a decapitation. On the 'Otherside', I'd arrange for the consciousness to be trapped in the ephemeral version of 'is head for a while. I'd stand over it and say, "Man, I've seen people lose there heads over things, but never to this extreme!"

I'd pick it up so gently, then transfer it to left hand. "Alas, poor Yoric. He was a man of infinite jest of most excellent fancy."

Then I'd tickle 'im under the nose. "Awwwww! What a cute nose! Cutchie-cutchie-cooooooooooooooo!"

Then I'd take the head in both hands. "Awwwwwww! I'm sorry. I've been doing nothing but objectifying you." In a totally cheerful tone then, I'd ask, "HOW YA DOIN', DUUUUUUUUDE?!"

Etc. . .

Remind ya of anybody? Heh-heh-heh.
Posted by: Morgan on July 01 2009,1:58 pm

Something to say in church after a specific lecture:

Turn the other cheek, huh?  So ya want me to moon ya?
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 01 2009,3:17 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2009,12:39 pm

Remember the Gong Show days?  The Unknown Comic?  If that Hate Bill passes, does that mean we can go to jail for calling him a Baghead?
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 03 2009,6:00 pm

A new way of looking at Yoga:

< http://bigsmudge.com/pictures/try-drunk-yoga >
Posted by: AngelicaRHill on Aug. 04 2009,9:59 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 08 2009,8:16 pm

This is not mine.  I got it from rumormillnews:

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park.."

(Cool The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day.."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMACARE:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 02 2009,5:39 pm

Gods, what a way to kill yourself.

< http://www.jihadwatch.org/archives/027411.php >

I think I'll pass.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 10 2009,8:12 pm

This is a political thread. The second post is mine. It's the responses after mine that had me rolling on the floor.

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=155291 >

How much of what I was accused of writing did I write? Or did I not write? Gods, people get so defensive over not following the higher intelligence of someone else, and suffering the consequences of this.  (The thread is about forced insurance, not having landmine detectors. . .I mean children, and people defending said landmine detectors and some left field stuff that is, well. . .out in left field.)

Hey! I'm on my unemployment extension, (have a job interview next week, though the commute will be hell. Could be worse.), and still breathing easy. Having fun puttin' out a couple of stories a week on the government dime.

I hope I get this job so when my publisher finally gets around to me, I can tell him to give it all to The Nature Conservancy. Why should the government get one damn cent from all this hard work in taxes? What did they do to deserve it? Bombing sovereign countries to the stone age and making our lives as expensive and inconvenient as possible just doesn't cut it.


Posted by: Elie87x on Sep. 24 2009,9:30 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss0nPhzQbQk >

LOL!!! Necromancy for kids video <3 wicked kute
Posted by: HOLDEN on Sep. 25 2009,2:32 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 25 2009,5:38 pm

Stolen from an STA post:

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also, 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE : Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Posted by: Elie87x on Sep. 25 2009,11:09 pm

LOL! -evil girly giggle- thats awesome! :D  :laugh:  :rose:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 04 2009,10:28 am

(You have to know me to make the slightest sense of this.)

O beautiful for spacious pies,
For purple waves of grain,
For amber mountain majesties
Above the fruited plane!
America! America!
God shed its snot on thee
And crown thy hoods with nostrilhood
From pea to shining pea!

So braindead now be pilgrim sheep
Whose stern impassioned stress
A thoroughfare of TV's beat
Across the clueless mess!
America! America!
God mend thine every flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Eat one less chicken paw!

O beautiful for Nero's proved
In political strife.
Who more than self their stomach loved
And lard butts more than life!
America! America!
May God thy nares refine
Till all success be nobleness
And every nose divine!

O beautiful for great gluttons' dream
That sees beyond the beers
Thine dirty slum lords' cities seam
Undimmed by pickled ears!
America! America!
God shed hits snot on thee
And crown thy hoods nostrilhood
From flea to shining flea!

O beautiful for halcyon fries,
For purple waves of grain,
For amber mountain majesties
Above the overfried brains!
America! America!
God shed its snot on thee
Till souls wane out on booze and chair
And old worn out thrashed knees!

So braindead now be pilgrim sheep,
Whose stern impassioned stress
A thoroughfare of TV's beat
Across the clueless mess
America! America!
God shed its snot on thee
Till paths be wrought through
Poison oak
By pilgrim foot and knee!

O beautiful for glory-tail
Of a Manx's dread life
When once or twice,
a dreams' avail
There's no prosthetics rife!
America! America!
God shed its snot on thee
Till selfish gain no longer stain
The want of all for free!

O beautiful for great gluttons' dream
That sees beyond the beers
Thine dirty slum lords' cities seam
Undimmed by pickled ears!  
America! America!
God shed its snot on thee
Till braindead men keep once again
Thy psycho phantasy!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 12 2009,4:09 pm

Next time someone invites me to a barbeque, I'm gonna ask:

"Cool!  Who's on the menu?"

Of course, they're gonna say, "What?  WHO'S on the menu?  I'm grillin' up some steaks, dude!"

And I'm gonna say,  "You mean you're actually cookin' up an animal?  No way, man!  I mean, I belong to the Church Of Euthanasia!  You know?  Eat people not animals?  I'd NEVER go to a barbeque where animals are on the grill.  I mean, how low can you go?!"
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 13 2009,12:44 am

what brand of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 13 2009,1:21 pm

LOL! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: That hit me just right.

Danu's gonna love it, too.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 14 2009,12:13 am

Just came back from the tavern.  Went to see my old boss (Pat Nevins) play.  He does Neil Young and Bob Dillon stuff real good.  It's kind of hard to tell the difference.  I tried to get him to 'NYIP' Ohio, but no.  If ever I get another job and it pays well enough, I'll hold a $50.00 bill over the tip jar and ask if he'll 'nyip' Ohio for me.  But on the other hand, I did write a cool arcane joke on the table cover with supplied crayon.

MISSIONARIES:  COOK 'EM ALL, AND LET THE CHEF SORT 'EM OUT.  START WITH ARNAUD AMAURY.  (Though I spelled Amaury wrong.)

Then of course, why did I bother?!  Who the hell is gonna get it?!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 23 2009,1:23 pm

I just learned a new word:  ladette

As if we didn't have enough genders already.  Now when are the alternative genders gonna get their own bathroom?  Should I write my congressperson?  Petition for a he/she/it?

Ah yes.  And now for the article that inspired this post:

< http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news....me.html >

Boy, those UK chicks sure know how to party.

Never been there. Suppose it has something to do with never having met an alcoholic beverage I liked, (Excepting the German beers I liked when I was 6 and under), and the fact that one California Cooler plasters me like a two by four.

Do we live in the wrong country, or what?
Posted by: April on Oct. 24 2009,3:00 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Next time someone invites me to a barbeque, I'm gonna ask:

"Cool! Who's on the menu?"

Of course, they're gonna say, "What? WHO'S on the menu? I'm grillin' up some steaks, dude!"

And I'm gonna say, "You mean you're actually cookin' up an animal? No way, man! I mean, I belong to the Church Of Euthanasia! You know? Eat people not animals? I'd NEVER go to a barbeque where animals are on the grill. I mean, how low can you go?!"
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


So, you like cannibalistic humor! I'm impressed. So do I. I own a couple of "cannibal cookbooks" which are really joke-books. ':laugh:'

Since you mentioned the Church of Euthanasia, I wonder how seriously they take themselves. They seem pretty earnest about ecology and saving the planet -- I certainly sympathize with THAT -- but I don't agree with a lot of their ideas on how to achieve it. (In particular, I don't take stand against all reproduction, although I do believe in reducing the human population gradually, to a more sustainable level.) But then, I'm not clear on how much of their writing is a joke, or a satire, or only half-serious.

Back to the fun stuff, cannibalistic humor -- when I was working on my B.A. in anthropology, I took an "Anthropology of Eating and Nutrition" course in which my term paper was on "Anthropophagy," literally "human-eating." It was a serious paper, but also humorous; it got an A! The last line said something like, "As for me, I don't know if anyone can serve me right when I die, but for writing a paper like this, it would be my just desserts." :voodoopotty3:


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 24 2009,10:18 am

LOL. Cannibalism is my specialty. It bothers a lot of people until they get to know me. Then they usually start playing along.

As for Chris Korda, he's mostly into doing music these days, and selling his stuff.  He was afraid to enter the U.S. for a while due to someone killing themselves over something they found on his website.  I think the COE is half joke.  A long time ago me and Chris e-mailed each other.  We sent him a S.N.O.T. cd.  It wasn't his cup of tea, but he said it reminded him of Church of the SubGenius, I think.  I'd have to ask Danu to verifry.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 26 2009,9:51 am

< http://www.kittycochrane.com/fly%20cookbook.htm >

Well, it ain't quite as good as long piglet recipies, but go ahead!  Copy one and put it on your fridge!  You'll never be bothered with someone inviting themselves over for dinner again.

(I hope this one won't get me kicked off the forum  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh: )
Posted by: April on Oct. 28 2009,7:12 am

What's wrong with maggot recipes? I just copied them into my "recipes" folder. I'm sure they're very nutritious -- and I say that in all seriousness, because I took a course in "Anthropology of Nutrition" (which I may have mentioned already) in which we studied the nutritional value of eating insects, which have a high protein content as well as other nutrients. A lot of people eat insects. In fact, if you read Leviticus, you'll discover that some insects, like locusts, are kosher! :tongue:

I don't think maggots are kosher. But some of the peoples in Papua New Guinea who used to be funerary cannibals -- that is, they ate the bodies of their own deceased relatives as part of a funerary rite ('rip') -- would often pick off the maggots (which had begun to feed on the body) and cook them separately as a delicacy. (Source: Consuming Passions: The Anthropology of Eating by Peter Farb and George Armelagos [1980], page 165.)

So, you say that cannibalism is your specialty? Do you mean in humorous writing, serious writing, or both? As you may have noticed, for me it's a specialty (one of my specialties) in both.

A toast to weird, morbid interests! :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 28 2009,9:51 am

Cannibalism? I lean toward humourous, though I have no innate aversion to the concept of eating people. Though I must admit I never ate one. It seems the pragmatic thing to do in these times, but until it's legal; ya know?

But on the other hand, people in this culture are pretty toxic. I suppose it might be OK if you treated them like snails. Feed 'em organic cornmeal for half a year, and don't feed 'em for a couple of days before broiling 'em up in the garlic butter and the canning.

There's some bugs I'd eat, and others I'd rather avoid. Of course I eat the water bugs like shrimp, (canned) crabs, and on very rare occasion. . .lobster. I'd only buy them pre-frozen. I don't like throwing live animals into boiling water, unless they're heads of state, bankers, etc. . . Grasshoppers, yeah. Termite queens I hear are good, but someone else better cook 'em. I'd probably only eat them once to see what they were like, but I don't really like the idea of exploiting living things for food; though I am a bit of a hypocrite here. I still eat chicken and seafood with some regularity. I feel bad for the chickens, 'cause they're treated so bad, but most of my chicken is eaten at an East Indian restaurant where they are halal, so maybe those birds had a better life, but I have no idea.

Maggots. . .I don't know. I still remember having to clean a bunch of those up of the kitchen floor once that fell through from a garbage bag where some flies had laid eggs on some cat food I'd thrown away. I don't know if I can ever view them as a food product again after that.

I'd rather rotisserie the two brats who live directly downstairs, and the little shit who's next to them. At least the noise level of the aparment complex would be reduced by 90 %.


Posted by: April on Oct. 29 2009,11:48 am

You sure can be funny on this topic! And on others, too.

To start my reply on a serious note -- before I turn humorous (hopefully!) -- if you feel bad about eating chickens, the best solution is to go to a health food store or (perhaps better yet) a farmer's market, and buy chickens which you know were naturally raised in a barnyard. (Ideally, visit the farm, and see how the animals are raised.) I'm mostly vegetarian myself, but when I do eat meat (once or twice a week on average) it's almost always the naturally-raised type. More expensive than commercial meat, yes; but well worth it, especially if you don't eat it often.

I think that kosher and halal animals are kept in better conditions than the average commercially-raised creatures, but I don't know how much better. It varies from farm to farm, I'm sure. As for insects, I pretty much agree with your sentiments. The ones that I'd be most eager to try are the big locusts that are a Middle Eastern delicacy.

As for cannibalism: it features in my humor and in my serious writings...often in both. Right now, I'm writing a drama based on the story from Rotenburg, Germany: that is, the story of Armin Meiwes and his willing victim, Bernd Brandes ('rip'), who met through online ads in cannibal forums. (I change their names in the drama, of course, since it's fictionalized.) For the most part, the play is a serious work about severe emotional illness and the healing power of love -- for in the play (and maybe in real life too) these two disturbed men do love each other, and their relationship continues after the victim dies and reappears as a ghost. However, the play wouldn't work without a lot of comic relief! :skullgrin:

I think (or rather, hope) some of the funniest lines occur between the soon-to-be-cannibal and one of his prospective victims, who decides -- right when he's wrapped in cellophane and hanging from the ceiling over the slaughter-table -- that he'd rather not go through with getting killed and eaten. His host -- ethical fellow that he is -- decides to release him, on a strict rule of "only willing victims." The repartee between the Cannibal-Host (CH) and the Prospective Victim (PV) goes something like this:

PV (Shuddering a bit): Uhexcuse meI know this is an awkward moment to say what Im about to say, but.

CH: Youd rather not go through with this?

PV: HonestlyId prefer not to. [Note: this line is plagiarized from Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener."]

CH (Concerned): You do look a little pale. Alright, your wish is my command! Ill unwrap you. (He begins to do so.)

PV (A little guiltily): Im sorry. I hope youre not too disappointed.

CH: Well, of course Im somewhat disappointed. You do look delicious. But

PV: Thank you for the compliment.

CH: But I know how it is. A lot of people talk enthusiastically about their orgasmic death wish, but the moment they find themselves on the block, thats when they suddenly discover a whole new reason for living!

PV: I suppose that would be rather common. Also, I suspect a lot of your respondents are really just out for a bit of kinky sex!

CH: Unfortunately so, and theyve knocked on the wrong door. I thought I had made myself clear: I am a cannibal, not a pervert. (He finishes the unwrapping.)

PV: Thank you. And I apologize for disappointing you.

CH (Reassuringly): Dont worry about it. I understand, so theres no hard feelings. I realize that getting slaughtered and devoured isnt for everyone. Its a special spiritual calling, you know. And I live by the proverb, If you cant take the heat, stay out of my kitchen. (Pauses, then smiles and says:) So, go ahead and get your clothes on! Ill take you to the movies.

In case you don't know, that really happened, in the real-life case! Meiwes did release several guys who responded to his ads for willing victims. One of them later testified, at Meiwes' homicide trial, that right after his release they watched a film together.

Armin Meiwes has got to be the most considerate killer in the history of criminology. Bar none! That's one reason I find the story so fascinating. And Bernd Brandes was probably in love with Death, just a little too much perhaps.... :darkangel:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 29 2009,6:21 pm

:laugh: Damn, I wish you lived next door.  The conversations we could have at restaurants!  Not that I don't have them with Danu, but if you're really into it. . .I wonder how many trips out before we got the cops called on us for something we talked aobut?!

:laugh:  :2bounce:  :laugh:
Posted by: April on Oct. 30 2009,1:51 am

Why, thank you! How sweet of you! (No double entendre intended.) I wish you lived nearby, too. I'd love to have you over for dinner!

Eh...let me rephrase that. I'd love to have dinner with you, at my place or at a restaurant! :beer:

I've sometimes worried -- although this is probably a silly worry -- that my collection of DVD's and books could get me into legal trouble. I own a DVD of every movie, and probably every documentary and book, that has ever been created about the Meiwes-Brandes case. (That's four movies, two documentaries and three books.) And then I have other documentaries and books on cannibalism in general. :read:

Of course I could always argue that it's "research for my own creative writing" (it is!)...but if someone in my apartment complex gets killed and eaten, that collection could almost get me convicted for the murder, even if I had nothing to do with it! :alarm:

My only hope for a defense then might be, "Well look at my collection closely! See this book? Consuming Grief: Compassionate Cannibalism in an Amazonian Society, by Beth Conklin! I'm interested in the compassionate type, the funerary type! See?!"

And it's true. I am. I'm a very peaceful, compassionate person. I've taken part in anti-war demonstrations. :color: ':hippy:'

That's why the Meiwes-Brandes case interests me so much: because of the affection between killer and victim. (Does it interest you, too?) The usual violent cases hold some interest for me, but they also make me sick. Of course it's sad that Bernd-Juergen Brandes was so unhappy that he wanted to die, but at least his death was a sort of euthanasia, poor fellow. 'rip'

So, getting back to humor...I'm honored that you want to talk to me, given that I haven't yet been dead for fifty years -- or at all, in fact. As far as cannibalism goes, I hope I'm "into it" in a similar way you are, and we can have -- or continue to have -- a lot of dark fun! :flamingdevil:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 30 2009,5:48 am

Oh, yeah.  I think our thoughts on the subject parallel, but I'm not fixated on any case.  It's like I read about the the Meiwes-Brandes case when it happened, then that was it.  As a former Nosehair (Strictly Nosehairs On Tap), I did write a tune called 'Nine And Twenty Ways To Serve A Rugrat'.  It starts, 'Shake'em, bake 'em, put 'em on a stick', and ends, 'And if you're feeling lazy, try 'em on a sandwich.'

Unfortunately it's not up (yet), but when he. . .I mean 'it' (We don't need no steenkeeng gender here.  In fact, we've disavowed our original species.  We classify ourselves as 'noses'.), has time Danu will put it up.  Never sold a single copy of our CD, but it never got a bad review either.  (We've given a lot away.)  Might as well put the whole thing up for free.  Here's some of our work:

< http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandid=329839 >

I play Igleson Snortworth III, and Schnoodles Langtail.  It defies reality.  

I put cannibalism jokes in my writing, too.  I've got a few in Dark Humour, and my short story set. (104 of those in Necromantic Verses that's part of a collection that may or may not be published, depending on whether my novella's sell after Pat (Nelson Childs) gets a move on.  That won't start happenning until April, though; after he relocates to NY.)  

Also, if there's anything not for the board, feel free to e-mail me through the board.  I'll do that now to give you my e-mail.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 03 2009,1:02 pm

< http://www.timeslive.co.za/sundaytimes/article174661.ece >

Guy accidently ejects from AF plane.  Here's an STA poster's imaginings on the conversation prior:

Pilot: You alright back there? To be able to pull
off these acrobatic stunts we needed to modify
the fuel inject system.

Terrified Passenger: The what???

Pilot: Fuel inject

Terrified Passenger Yelling: Say what???

Pilot Yelling: Fuel inject - fuel inject - fuel inject!

Terrified Passenger: Ok!

Pilot Looking Up: The crazy fool ejected!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 05 2009,9:00 am

YEAH, I'M A FEMINIST!  However, a feminist with a sense of humour.  To me, feminism is just about letting half the human race have a say in their own lives, and like; PERSONAL SOVEREIGNTY!  Isn't that what it really started out as, and not male bashing?  But still!  Chicks on the front lines.  Can ya imagine?  One gets our 'er bullhorn and yells, "Can ya'll just a stop shootin' fer a couple o' minutes?  I gots to change my tampon, or dump my Keeper, or whatever!"

Might be a good idea.  Anyone wanna give it a try?
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 06 2009,10:16 am

I'm applying at a hospital for a data processing job. Should I tell 'em at the interview, "I promise NOT to sing 'Another One Bites The Dust' on company grounds?


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 11 2009,5:04 pm

A sign up on Rense.com right now as I type this:

My Next Door Neighbour
wants to BAN all GUNS!

Their house is NOT ARMED!

Out of RESPECT for their opinions
I promise NOT to use MY GUNS
to PROTECT THEM.

(Works for me.)
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 12 2009,6:05 am

A NEW CUT DOWN:

If someone is being annoying, ask them, "Shouldn't you be on stryofoam under some plastic wrapping already?"
Posted by: April on Nov. 12 2009,6:24 am

Incredibly enough, it took me a while to get that one. Reason: I receive packages containing books, CD's, and other goodies packed in styrofoam (blocks as well as peanuts) and plastic wrapping. So at first I thought it meant "Shouldn't you be gift-wrapped?" and I thought, "Why is that a cut down?"

Then I got it (I think!). But I won't give it away. I'll see if others get it.

Maybe I just have an unusually creative mind, but -- sorry to say this -- I'm afraid that insult might go over some people's heads. :shake: Let's see....
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 12 2009,8:55 am

Hmmmm.  Not much good if the party doesn't get it.  Maybe I ought to add, "and next to the lamb chops at A & P, or something.
Posted by: April on Nov. 12 2009,9:12 am

I got it! Your addition -- a good one, I think! -- confirms what I thought you meant by "on styrofoam and plastic-wrapped," once I thought about it a bit more. :biggrin:
So, I think the insult will "work" (whatever that means, in the context of an insult)...now that you've made it bit more...colorful. :firedevil:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 16 2009,5:59 pm

Ahhhhh, one of the most politcally incorrect 'private jokes' I've ever come up with.  

When e-mailing Layla Anwar (an Iraqi Arab blogger who tells it like it is.  She's not too fond of Israel, I'll tell ya.). do NOT put 'Oy vey' in the e-mail title.

(No I didn't do that.  Ye gods, I'm not THAT stupid.)
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 21 2009,9:02 pm

PLEASE SHOOT ME BEFORE I SEE MORE

< http://www.rense.com/general88/school.htm >

Excuses for absences. These are real? Ye gods, what has happened?! I couldn't write like this. MY IMAGINATION AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH!

Imagine askin' a landmine detector of today to recall the scene with the weird sisters from MacBeth.

Eye of tongue
And newt of dog.
Toe of wool,
And bat of frog.

Or sumthin' like that.

(Gods, I've been dyin' to post that.)
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 28 2009,3:47 am

Ya know, I think I've been deludin' myself all these years.  I've come to the conclusion that once a crotch droppin', always a crotch droppin', fer no matter how old I gets, I will still have been dropped from somebody's crotch.
Posted by: April on Dec. 17 2009,8:50 am

Thanks for sharing this, Morgan! "Beyondananda" -- that's a riot of a name. I have a lot of catching up to with your links! I just began to read this latest one; I haven't finished it yet.

Let me ask a question about Daoine o's post. What is "Unfather's Day" and "UnMother's Day"? That's a new one for me.

All I know, in the way of obscure holidays, is that the Saturday before Mothers' Day is Birthmothers' Day: a day honoring women who have given away babies (usually newborns, just a few days old) for adoption -- and brought joy to infertile couples who couldn't have children any other way. :baby: That sure is worth honoring, in my view!


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 16 2010,3:07 am

LETTER FROM SATAN TO PAT ROBERTSON

Dear Pat Robertson:

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle.

Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style.

Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Lily Coyle, Minneapolis
:clap2: :beer: :headbang:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 16 2010,11:16 am

:clap2:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 03 2010,9:40 pm

Ah axed Danu if ya take 30 wolfsbane seeds, 200 datura seeds, 6 nutmeg seeds from India, 50 hemlock seeds and 20 castor seeds, put 'em in a coffee grinder and mix 'em with a McDonalds milkshake to get it all down, what would kill ya first.

Danu thought the McDonalds milkshake. From what I remember of 'em, I wonder if 'e's right.  Just the taste alone. . .


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 04 2010,2:15 pm

Maybe I outta try and get into editing?

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=166151 >

Gods, these headlines are a riot!
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 05 2010,11:05 am

:laugh: Fortean Times magazine has a regular feature of funny headlines that they've found like that.
Posted by: Elie87x on Feb. 05 2010,2:19 pm

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Oh my god! I hope those people are ok!

LOL....DUH... omg
:shake:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Feb. 14 2010,1:53 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Oh my god! I hope those people are ok!

LOL....DUH... omg
:shake:
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


LMFAO!!!!!!! Too damn funny! :clap2: :laugh: :clap2: :headbang:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Feb. 14 2010,1:56 pm

:eyemouth: Alright, it's *that* day again- happy V.D. everybody! :worm: :clap2: :beer:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Feb. 14 2010,2:03 pm

:eyemouth: Now for some commentary from an "elder statesman" concerning "wardrobe malfunctions" in today's crop of young males:

Pants On The Ground

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMwhl4IrPNc >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:laugh: :shake: :clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 15 2010,10:40 am

:laugh: thanks for the laugh. hilarious! :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 19 2010,12:47 pm

My, the things you can do with video cams and doggies:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMiCt6NCzow >

It's like a cartoon brought to life. Hilarious!

Oh yeah!  And "time wounds all heels".


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Feb. 21 2010,10:20 am

:eyemouth: I do NOT recommend this place for the "food" (I have stories about this!), but this video was too good to miss.

DUCK Studios: Wienerschnitzel "Gotcha"

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZUUF9rMedo >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:laugh: :clap2: :2bounce: :beer: :headbang:
Posted by: Chaeon on Feb. 23 2010,5:46 pm

I was in the cemetery the other day wandering around the graves lapping up their beauty.

This group of mourners turned up with a hearse and the coffin with the deceased and began to walk through the cemetery in the usual funeral procession.

After a while, I noticed they were still walking around with the coffin and then I realised that they've lost the fucking plot!

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 24 2010,9:18 am

Uh, can we say stooooooptid?
< http://www.rense.com/general89/rules.htm >

Ahhhhhhhh.  The brilliance of U.S. management.
Posted by: Chaeon on Feb. 24 2010,4:10 pm

:headbang:

Hey Morgan, isn't there such a thing as initiative in the U.S. you know bending the rules or making new ones to see things improve?

Well I guess they'll cross that bridge when they come to it

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 24 2010,6:59 pm

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah!  I used to do it all the time when working for NCR thru Regulus.  I broke every rule and record there was.  Management turned their eyes when I broke the rules, because I was EFFECTIVE!!!!!!!!!!  Also high energy.  Now I'm a crotchety old curmudgeon who doesn't give a flying fuck anymore, but so spins the wheel in the sky.
Posted by: Chaeon on Feb. 24 2010,8:30 pm

Yes same here. I have a new motto at my work:

"Desperation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine".

:eyemouth:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Feb. 24 2010,10:14 pm

:eyemouth: New Government Program - Early Retirement...

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years
of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing
unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program
(System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress
deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants &
Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special
High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on
the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you
can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel
has been turned off.
:laugh: :clap2: :headbang: :beer: :clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 27 2010,7:54 am

What's in a name:
< http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7909561.stm >

I don't think none o' these measure up to Igleson Snortworth III, or Elmeena Piddlewhacker, though.


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 05 2010,11:07 pm

A buddy e-mailed this to me:

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever..
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife.. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband
PS. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together!
Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been..
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised
me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $4 9.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Posted by: Chaeon on Mar. 06 2010,5:21 am

I wouldn't be surprised if those letters were real. Stranger things have happened....

:clap2:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Mar. 10 2010,11:46 pm

:eyemouth: Would You Like Fries With That?!

1960s LSD Propaganda Film

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5TJApnJ8X8 >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The girl in the LSD propaganda video was more like a spectator in the "hot dog arena", the link to this next video features a chick with a more pro-active approach!-

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZUUF9rMedo >
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't recommend eating those things.......

:laugh: :shake: :clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 11 2010,11:12 am

I'd say the moral of the hot dog story is don't eat when on acid.

Man, after viewing that, I don't think I want to SEE anybody on acid.  I just can't imagine what you do when confronted with a person attacking a 'cooked' food product with the intent of killing it.

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 16 2010,3:18 am

I just can't get over this. A writer I know in Denmark refers to studmuffins as 'sausage casings'.

So what do ya do?  If a dude of male gender makes a pass at ya, tell 'im, "Dude!  You're just a sausage casing to me, and I'm a vegetarian?"


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 19 2010,7:16 pm

First, reread above.  I did an add on edit.

More political incorrectness:

I walk most days. The whole thing is about 5 miles. Within the span of a week I found a super ball. I kept it. I found a tennis ball. I threw it on some high school tennis courts. I found a softball. I through that over to the softball field. I found a T-ball. That's what was on it. It even had a name on it. Josiah Cooney, Angels, 2007. Whatever. It looked like something you hit with a baseball bat, and I gave it to a dude of sausage casing persuasion and he appreciated it, saying he had a 13 year old crotch dropping of sausage casing persuasion who would like it, so hey! (Well, I paraphrased a wee bit.) But I swear! If I'd kept 'em all, I'd have twice the balls of any dude (of sausage casing persuasion).


Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 20 2010,10:25 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 20 2010,10:47 am

The saga continues.  I asked my e-mail buddy that if she refers to studmuffins as sausage casings, what would she call chicks?  She said abalone, or conch.


Oh, I can just picture it.  "Man, I'm wiped, but I got a conch in the freezer.  Thaw it out, and enjoy yourself."  Probably a last date.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 24 2010,2:08 pm

I saw somethin' about 1 million baby slings bein' recalled on CNN Money.  I figure if you're gonna use a sling, a rock would be more efficient.  I mean they can be smaller and lighter so you can sling them further, and the are less malleable, so you can do more damage.  I mean, accordin' to myth, David wiped Goliath with a rock not a baby.  Sheesh!  Why do they even sell the things?
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 30 2010,10:40 am

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYmipFDxMl8 >

Whoever said German's don't have a sense of humour has another thing comin', here.  The last thing:  alle zusammen means everything together.  Had to babelfish it.  A hilarious point on drugs.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 30 2010,11:31 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 31 2010,12:59 am

< http://news.yahoo.com/comics....0100403 >

Reaper joke comic from Non Sequitur


Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2010,5:59 pm

Harlan Ellison menu.  Man, this guy's better than me!

< http://harlanellison.com/whimsy/cafe.htm >

Too bad it ain't real.  It alleges long pig on the menu.
Posted by: Morgan on April 12 2010,11:27 pm

Yeah, I'm celibate. If anyone asks why, I'll tell 'em! I think interactive vibrators with minds of their own are more trouble than they're worth.

Now is that worse than callin' 'em sausage casin's, or is that worse than callin' 'em sausage casin's?


Posted by: Jentzi on April 13 2010,6:05 am

No...it would be worse to call em sausage filling?

Unfortunately I have a feeling that some guys would like being called interactive vibrators. *eyeroll*

Only time Ive had a chock-reaction from a guy was when this bastard insisted on having his chair so far out at a restaurant that he almost sat next to me.. and I was sitting at the table behind him.
When I got up and he was in the way I just thumped the back of the chair and snarled "Dwarfdick!"
When he turned around I just smiled politely and asked him to move his chair out of the way. :P
Posted by: Morgan on April 13 2010,8:48 am

Don't worry.  I call 'em sausage casings on all the forums now, or of sausage casing persuasion, or whatever.  I don't think I'll get fired for that, either when I call 'em that on the job.
Posted by: April on April 19 2010,8:29 pm

I'm back after a bit of an absence, and I realize the topic of humor has changed since page 75 or so, when we were discussing cannibalism. I had a lot of fun with it, as you reveal, Morgan, in this quote.... ':laugh:'



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Oh, yeah. I think our thoughts on the subject parallel, but I'm not fixated on any case. It's like I read about the the Meiwes-Brandes case when it happened, then that was it. As a former Nosehair (Strictly Nosehairs On Tap), I did write a tune called 'Nine And Twenty Ways To Serve A Rugrat'. It starts, 'Shake'em, bake 'em, put 'em on a stick', and ends, 'And if you're feeling lazy, try 'em on a sandwich.'

Unfortunately it's not up (yet), but when he. . .I mean 'it' (We don't need no steenkeeng gender here. In fact, we've disavowed our original species. We classify ourselves as 'noses'.), has time Danu will put it up. Never sold a single copy of our CD, but it never got a bad review either. (We've given a lot away.) Might as well put the whole thing up for free. Here's some of our work:

< http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandid=329839 >

I play Igleson Snortworth III, and Schnoodles Langtail. It defies reality.

I put cannibalism jokes in my writing, too. I've got a few in Dark Humour, and my short story set. (104 of those in Necromantic Verses that's part of a collection that may or may not be published, depending on whether my novella's sell after Pat (Nelson Childs) gets a move on. That won't start happenning until April, though; after he relocates to NY.)

Also, if there's anything not for the board, feel free to e-mail me through the board. I'll do that now to give you my e-mail.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------



I was wondering if "Cannibalism" is a separate topic somewhere, both for humor (mainly) and for some serious posts from an anthropological perspective. As I said earlier, I'm mainly interested in compassionate, funerary cannibal rites (consuming people who died naturally or accidentally), but I also love jokes on the subject.

Should we make it a separate topic -- probably under "Entertainment and Media" -- if it isn't one already? (Even serious posts on the subject inevitably relate to the media, books, and articles, where we learn about such things.) Not that we'd have to move older posts or poetry; we could just cross-ref them, if necessary. What do you think, Morgan? And any other interested persons? :shock:
Posted by: Morgan on April 19 2010,11:30 pm

Uh, sure.  The idea of cannibalsim can be quite entertaining.  Let's start with everyone in my complex who's under 20.  (Actually, no teens live here.  Just um. . .'adults', and small children.  Noisy, disruptive children.

COOK 'EM ALL!  LET THE CHEF SORT 'EM OUT!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on April 23 2010,4:39 pm

Life In San Francisco:

"Oh wow!  Yo baby!  Do you have a gender?"
>
> 'Uh, yeah!'
>
> "What is it, if ya don't mind me askin'"
>
> 'Chick.'
>
> "Oh.  With, or without schlong?"
>
> 'With.'
>
> "All riiiiiight!  Can I buy ya a cuppa coffee?"
>
> 'Only if you have one too.'
>
> "Uh, I think that can be arranged."
Posted by: Morgan on April 26 2010,1:08 am

NOSE DATE REPELLENT COMMENTARY:

Excuuuuuuuse me!  Do I look like I'm dressed to flirt? Does the unmodified, 5 inch armpit haired creature before you look like it even wants to waste itself by giving you the time of day? Fuck off and live forever, ya know? 'Cause I'm gonna die some day, and I don't want ya in my 'hood.

But ya can pet my nose.


Posted by: Morgan on May 02 2010,10:02 am

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the man

    opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another

    seat.

    This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

    The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man

    burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man

    arrested.

    The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20

    years old) what he had to say for himself.

   The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got

   on the bus,  I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down

    under a sign that  said,

   'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.

  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will

   reduce the swelling',  and I  had to smile.

  Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

   'William's Big Stick Did theTrick', and I could hardly contain myself.

  BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a

   sign that said,  'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...

   I just lost it."

   "CASE DISMISSED!!"
Posted by: Morgan on May 02 2010,10:03 am

Double post deleted


Posted by: HOLDEN on May 03 2010,11:05 am

:laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on May 11 2010,8:55 am

OK! It's non-profit, though I do work with Young Offenders Media as an assistant editor. I get to read early drafts of some damn good books for free. I also do syntax fixes, correct other obvious errors and make suggestions, but hey! And being who I work for, I wonder when I should go public with this statement:

No, I don't have children. I consider them an inconvenient liability. Kinda like straight sausage casings. . .I mean men.


Posted by: Morgan on June 15 2010,8:49 am

I thought it would be soooooo cool to have a sign over the model/actor playing Donn that says, "Who needs Jeses Christ when the second coming of Donn Ui'Midir is here."

Think it'll sell more books?
Posted by: Morgan on June 20 2010,9:53 am

This is the headline:

If Israel Were Eating Babies ... The US Would Support It

And I dare not comment on the forum.  But I can comment on it here.

SO DO I!  IT WOULD MAKE THE WORLD A QUIETER PLACE, AND CAN WE PLEASE START WITH MY APARTMENT COMPLEX!!!
Posted by: Morgan on June 22 2010,12:45 am

Food for thought.

Part #1
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvmVy39zCHk&NR=1 >

Part #2
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntumBdtYXpU >
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 22 2010,10:10 am

and she's really a vegan. :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on July 09 2010,8:30 pm

:eyemouth: Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's
(D.T. says: 'No great loss there! McDouche-bagald's sucks!'). I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)



:clap2: :laugh: :beer: :headbang: :clap2:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on July 15 2010,9:11 pm

:eyemouth: "Don't Fear The Reaper"

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKxiLCMb6Q4&feature=related >


The B.O.C. classic with a twist, a cartoon with Azrael, & it's wearing an Omega, too!

:clap2: :beer: :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2010,8:51 am

That video is sooooooo CUTE!  Gods, he even drinks tea like in my series!
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 16 2010,11:08 am

hey, it works!  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :clap2:  :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on July 17 2010,6:53 am

Reaper 'toon:
< http://news.yahoo.com/comics....0100717 >
Posted by: Moonlitrose on July 19 2010,11:54 pm

Gatta ghost rider thing going on when he hits the motorcycle.  Ive heard of discworld but never really looked it up.
Posted by: Morgan on July 20 2010,5:32 am

It royally cracked me up.  In one of my short stories Thanatos rides a motorcycle along with one of his cases for the sake of terrifying the holy doo-doo out of the jerk that killed her.  My death gods also wear Omega symbols here and there, and they go through a lot of tea in my stories.  It's almost a bonding ritual.  I love that video.  It speaks to me.
Posted by: Moonlitrose on July 21 2010,1:04 am

I just finished watching the movie it was from... I actually really like it!  Death-of-Rats is sooooo cute.  And the story line Death is portraying form is adorable to watch. Why had I not discovered this little funny series earlier I don't know.  By the way he was drinking chamomile tea (i love the stuff).   What hit me was Death's horse is named "Binky" and when I was a child and couldn't say "blanky" right, I called my blanket "binky" instead and it stuck.  It's really worth the watch, though it does have a lot of British humor in it.
Posted by: Morgan on July 21 2010,9:01 am

I absolutely LOVE British humour, but being on dial-up, I am not going to watch the flick.  That has got to be one of the 'cutest' versions of death I've ever seen.  Not that my Donn and Thanatos are bad, but they can't get drunk, not that they would if they could.  They're also more into (almost ritually obsessed with, in my series) black teas, but hey!
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 11 2010,9:31 am

Not that this happens very often. . .maybe once every 3 or 4 years or somethin', but I'm a'thinkin'. . .next time someone makes a pass at me:

"DUDE!  I'M DRESSED LIKE A FUCKIN' HOD-CARRIER, TOTALLY UNMODIFIED, AND DO I LOOK LIKE A BIMBO BREEDER COW OUT FOR A FREE MEAL OR A LAY TO YOU?  DO I LOOK LIKE I'M REMOTELY INTERESTED IN HOOKIN' UP WITH SOMEONE?  WELL, LET ME TELL YA!  I GOTS ME SOME 5 INCH ARMPIT HAIRS, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE 'EM OKAYYYYYYYYY?  I ALSO GOT A PICKAXE ON THE HOME FRONT WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

But ya can pet my nose if ya want."

I gotta come up with a longer script to holla out, but ya'll gets my drift, I assume.

Oh, what would happen?!

The guy'll probably run like Hell.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Aug. 11 2010,11:21 am

:laugh: my favorite part is "but ya can pet my nose if ya want".
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 11 2010,2:28 pm

I'm sure if I ever get to do this, that phrase will get the double take of the millenium.
Posted by: Moonlitrose on Aug. 11 2010,10:52 pm

the nose petting... he he :laugh:
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Aug. 15 2010,2:17 am

Possible new business model?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Roast 'em Toast 'em Crematorium

Restaurant.......Or?!

They're just dying to get in!

<><><><><><><><><><><>

Sentence making exercise with the word 'crematorium':

Something that doesn't have much appeal could be said to have
"gone over like barbeque sauce at a crematorium".
:beer: :eyemouth: :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2010,8:38 am

OK. I still haven't made it all the way to my destination on that uphill run I'm trying to do. Today is laundry day, and I have a bunch of other garbage to do, and I told Danu that I was gonna try that run again AFTER I was COMPLETELY done with the laundry, 'cause if I got a cardiac on the way up, the clothes would be sitting there all day.

He said that wasn't gonna happen, because I'd been working my way back into shape again, so of course I had to yell,

"QUIT SQUELCHING MY DREAMS, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(30 odd metres to go! Gotta admit when I tried it a couple of days ago, I was a bit shakey on my feet for a couple of hours after. Man, and up until 32 that thing would have been no problem for me. I really LOST myself big time. Oh well. I will try again today. And will I scream 'DULCINEA' before I start, for those of us who've read Cervantes? Oh, maybe.)


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2010,11:26 am

A joke that was sent to me:

Two women were having lunch together,
and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said,
"I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman responded,
"Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman.
"I just can't picture your husband as a blond!"


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2010,11:32 am

Damn, bein' on dial-up sucks.  Double post deleted, but. . .

Is it considered bad protocol to eat raw carrots when talking to your plants?


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 22 2010,5:41 pm

Don't know if I'll ever do this, but it's temptin'. Thar's a temple o' the Raspy Tongue (For new comers. . .cats have raspy tongues. . .cat licks, ya know?) across from us down the block, and they had this huge ass wedding with a couple of these huge ass limos with conspicuous consumption being the order of the day. I felt like asking, "Who died?"

Of course they'd say, "Nobody died (You idiot, they are thinking.)! It's a wedding!"

I'd say, "What's the difference?"

I mean another one bites the dust, huh?

Man, after a bit of research; I find I was born to be a Cathar (They didn't believe in contracts like marriage and such. Procreation was frowned upon as well. I'm a far cry from vegan, and not quite vegetarian; but I could be with the right cook on board, which ain't happenin' in this life; not that there will be any others for me. When cannibalism becomes legal I'll completely give up the chicken and fish. Then I could get the right amino acids, and call myself a vegetarian; considering the IQs of most individuals.  Repeated observation, but the longer I live. . .ya know?), though with strong Pagan undertones. Or would that be overtones? Like I'll dis my favourite Gate Keepers?


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 23 2010,10:49 am

Salmonella came up on another forum.  So of course I had to post:

WE MUST REMEMBER WHERE EGGS COME FROM!

I mean, think about it while you're havin' that next omelette, huh? The physiology of it all?

PUSH!!!!!!!!! Forceps please!
Posted by: Asphodel on Aug. 23 2010,1:20 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Salmonella came up on another forum. So of course I had to post:

WE MUST REMEMBER WHERE EGGS COME FROM!

I mean, think about it while you're havin' that next omelette, huh? The physiology of it all?

PUSH!!!!!!!!! Forceps please!
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


It reminds me of that superfamous Francis Bacon quote:

During an interview, the journalist asked Bacon what his horror inspirations were.

To which the screaming famous artist answered:

"I simply look down at my breakfast. That's all the horror I need!"

I am - among other things, a fiendish cook and pastry chef - and a life without chicken abortions is a life I can't quite contemplate. I mean, how can you have cake without eggs? Or Italian buttercream? or those lovely Scotch eggs I make with hazelnuts and millet, rolled in ground nuts, and deep-fried?

See, I told you I was a fiend. And a Fiend! :biggrin:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 27 2010,2:50 pm

I've talked about it, but have I ever posted the link?

Butchering the Human Carcass for Human Consumption
                         by Bob Arson

< http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/e-sermons/butcher.html >
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 27 2010,6:56 pm

This is so bad, I suppose I should apologise to ya'll (Bein' what I am, I contract 'ya all', not 'you all', OK????) fer puttin' this here. In fact, WHY am I puttin' this here?! Well, bein' a Certified Asshole to the 33rd Degree, what choice have I got?

Ever wonder why plants don't get fat when ya overfertalise 'em?

So SHOOT me with a Howitzer, point blank!  I promise I won't press charges.


Posted by: Leilah on Aug. 28 2010,6:32 am

:uzi:  :rail:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 28 2010,8:24 am

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

Dude, that response is wayyyyyy funnier than that horrid one-liner.

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 28 2010,12:25 pm

OK, this one's better:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFCCFS_lhA8 >

Hilarious result what would happen when force of habit overrides reality. I remember the old days. Never did this, though. After all, I'd be the one to pay for a new one.


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 03 2010,3:58 pm

An off the wall post I made in reply to my publishing company going away:

There were a few things I wasn't happy with, anyway. Like the Americanisation of my Commonwealth spelling, and though my cover model was attractive, he ain't no Donn Ui'Midir clone. Gods, and he was 6 inches too tall, and not at all buffed. And he did NOT have one of those gorgeous classic Celtic noses with the rounded tips which I absolutely fell in love with when I was 13. Though, that nose type has gotten me into some troublesome situations. I mean, you have to deal with the bleedin' nose perch, and not only the nose. Those perches can be real difficult some times. Too bad you can't have the nose without the perch, ya know?



Now if this was all for real, could you imagine? :eyemouth:

Ye gods, did I just confess this is all a joke?

Uh, yes!  Apparently I did.

Now a word to the forum members.  If ya tell this to anyone, I'm gonna e-mail ya a virtual nose lick!  The utmost sign of hostility in The Holey Order of the Septum!  :pissedoff:


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 10 2010,3:42 pm

How non sequitur can ya get?

The video:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-itSy8JAuU >

The hard to read on the video lyrics:
< http://www.gugalyrics.com/BENNY-LAVA-LYRICS/440763/ >

Now did these people do this on purpose, or do they need an English class? Asks the one who wrote 'Fageeta On A Flower Tortila'??????????????

[URL=http://


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Sep. 11 2010,8:17 pm

:eyemouth: I think I'm having a "Fahrenheit 451" flashback moment.

BURN A QURAN (DC Douglas Bitch-Slaps Terry Jones & Fred Phelps)

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v....inter=1 >

Varg Vikernes is being considered as a final solution for these MOFOs!


:clap2: :headbang: :laugh: :beer: :clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 12 2010,1:37 am

An e-mail I sent:

So tells me:

IF YA SHOWS ON' O' DEM DAR WAHABI RABBIS (Technically Rabbiyim, but with this affectation, I prob'ly shoulda spelled it 'Rabies'.  Thanks fer the reminder, 'dude'.) ON' O' DEM DAR QURAN THINGIES AND TELL 'IM TA SHOWS YA WHERE IT SAYS CHICKS CAN'T DRIVE, WHAT'S 'E GONNA TELLS YA???????



Nostrils

P.S. If I go public with THAT, will my my life span be shortened to something reasonable, like maybe a couple more hours?


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 13 2010,6:39 am

Man, is this too hot to post here?  Will it get me exiled for life?  Will it bring the FCC down on us?

Oh, what the hey!

< http://farm1.static.flickr.com/75/197783217_a5bb5bcb44.jpg?v=0 >

(Don't ya'll hate when I do that?  Well, ya know sumthin'?  It was E-MAILED to me.  Thanks Kurt!  I'll pet yo' nose the next time I'm in Chicago!)
Posted by: AngelicaRHill on Sep. 28 2010,11:00 am



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
Star Trek vs. Star Wars. Had a hell of a time downloading this with dial up, but some of the dialogue is pretty funny in a subtle, dry sort of way.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxhrPaaCA4&eurl >
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


ohhhhh I had to post this for my friend that is a Star Wars and Star Trek nut  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 08 2010,8:41 am

Got this in an e-mail:

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination  
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery              
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                               (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.                                                  

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.                              (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.                  (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                      (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 08 2010,11:32 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 21 2010,11:41 am

E-mail from Malaysia:

I decided to burn some calories, so I set fire to a fat kid.  Yeah, this guy's a Muslim.  Kinda reminds some people who need to be reminded that they're people too.  The Wahabi and Taleban nut cases make up a small minority.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 24 2010,5:23 pm

< http://ak.imgag.com/imgag....st=http >

Happy Samhain, dudes!  :2bounce:  :eyemouth:  :2bounce:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 24 2010,8:16 pm

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....

White Witch.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 25 2010,6:20 am

I got this from surfingtheapocalypse:

Apparently it's a joke, but stil. . .

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires' ... The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! ( Stay with me. )

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 25 2010,10:40 am

just wanted to mention that i love the ecard on the previous page! :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 25 2010,1:07 pm

So do we. Danu got it in e-mail.


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 02 2010,7:40 pm

Uh. . .this is one of those things you gotta watch twice, cause you can't believe you saw it the first time:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsapxYsUrJ4&feature=related >

Be glad I didn't spot this thing called 'Danse Macabre' first. Not the funniest thing on the planet, but still; I had to laugh.

I dug up the lyrics to the original in English:

Zig, zig, zig, Death in cadence,
Striking a tomb with his heel,
Death at midnight plays a dance-tune,
Zig, zig, zag, on his violin.
The winter wind blows, and the night is dark;
Moans are heard in the linden trees.
White skeletons pass through the gloom,
Running and leaping in their shrouds.
Zig, zig, zig, each one is frisking,
You can hear the cracking of the bones of the dancers.
A lustful couple sits on the moss
So as to taste long lost delights.
Zig zig, zig, Death continues
The unending scraping on his instrument.
A veil has fallen! The dancer is naked.
Her partner grasps her amorously.
The lady, it's said, is a marchioness or baroness
And her green gallant, a poor cartwright.
Horror! Look how she gives herself to him,
Like the rustic was a baron.
Zig, zig, zig. What a saraband!
They all hold hands and dance in circles.
Zig, zig, zag. You can see in the crowd
The king dancing among the peasants.
But hist! All of a sudden, they leave the dance,
They push forward, they fly; the cock has crowed.
Oh what a beautiful night for the poor world!
Long live death and equality!


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 11 2010,4:04 pm

If you're actually stuck flying on a plane (I can't imagine anyone doing it voluntarily with the lethal radiation or molestation if you 'opt out'.), here's the thing to wear!

< http://www.stopgropingme.com/ >

Man, I think I'd be tempted to just strip and see how many turn to stone these days.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 14 2010,8:01 pm

< http://xmb.stuffucanuse.com/xmb....art.gif >

This made it big after that missile launch in Southern Cal. that the pentagon and official media refused to acknowledge as being a missile for a while there.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 15 2010,7:31 pm

Concept:

Wear a END THE FED or AUDIT THE FED T-shirt to a tax processing job.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 16 2010,3:05 pm

Ye gods, I love it, but I can't stand making it. I look like I've just been through a food fight, not to mention the kitchen looks like something exploded. Kimchee!

So, into my head pops this image of me throwing all the ingedients into a small barrel outside somewhere, and violently attacking it with a plunger?

No?

I didn't think so, but what a sight, huh?


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 17 2010,9:27 am

A jury duty call concept.  What if it was a chick who was being tried for microwaving her kid?  

Of course, I'd be all enthusiastic.  "Oh wow!  Awesome, but I gotta admit I CANNOT be impartial.  I mean, there's no way I could convict, being I might be inclined to do the same if I had any.  I mean, what else are they good for?  Honey, DIN-DIN!!!!!!!!"
Posted by: lyliaun on Nov. 17 2010,11:33 pm

< http://www.toilette-humor.com/images....pit.jpg >
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 18 2010,3:49 am

LOL!  That's funny!
Posted by: Leilah on Nov. 18 2010,6:15 am

Man, I wish they had one of those at Walmart!  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 21 2010,1:43 pm

Wouldn't it be fun to wear a 'NUKE THE VATICAN' T-shirt to a Raspy Tongue (Cat lick, ya know?) church service? Don't go to church, and currently don't have the discretionary income to justify gettin' the shirt made, but I could still wear it, and walk by the Raspy Tongue campus (school and church) across the street, if I did. :eyemouth:


Posted by: lyliaun on Nov. 26 2010,2:18 am

:laugh:  maybe the butterfly will kick the Vatican's ass. I think it kicked Chuck Norris.

< http://namakajiri.net/pics/nonfree/angel.png >
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 02 2010,6:50 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4YsMVA8DoU >
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 04 2010,1:55 pm

A new form of child abuse.

Get the wee sprog to react violently to the concept of getting their nose licked. Tell 'em it's worse than getting hit by a phosphorus bomb, and show 'em the pictures on the web. Every once in a while, one parent pretends to be mad at the other, drags 'it' into the bedroom, slams door shut, makes really loud slurping noises, while the other screams like its being subjected to 'the pear of anguish', or 'Catherine's wheel', or some other nice, mutilating torture device. Then after it's over, nose lickee comes out in tears or something. . .if you can control your laughter, that is.

So never actually do it, but when the kid acts up, threaten to lick their nose either then and there, or when they get home. Then watch as they react in terror at the concept. Then tell all their friends what you did to them when they're teenagers.


Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 06 2010,7:17 pm

< http://funpics.classicfun.ws/index.p....ld-days >
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 06 2010,8:29 pm

Ive recently thought of a way to scare off Morman missionaries.

I will sing:

Man on a stick, man on a stick, holy fucking shit it's man on a stick!
By WAMO!
Pull a cross out and put it in their face

:cross:

( I'm not xtian just morbidian)


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 07 2010,10:51 am

I just tell I'm Pagan (oughta say a Heathen), I already got my gods, and I ain't changin'.  One even asked me 'What's that'? I explained and walked away.  NO argument.  Or tell 'em you're a Satanist, baby sacrificing cannibal, and you don't wanna change religions, but wanna come over for dinner?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 07 2010,11:33 am

how to get rid of Mormon missionaries (& any other door to door pests): put a No Soliciting sign up! in my experience, it has worked like a charm.
by the way, Lilyaun, that page that you linked a little further up is HILARIOUS! :laugh: i urge everyone to check it out.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 07 2010,12:51 pm

I have a no soliciting sign up, specifically saying missionaries will be cooked and eaten.  They don't bother me, but we have had some visitors to neighbours who were stupid enough to take it seriously, and I laugh about it just thinking about it.

I suppose one day if I come across another dim bulb like that, I'll have to ask them, "IF IT REALLY HAPPENED, DO YOU THINK I'D BE LOOSE ON THE STREET?!!!!!!!!!"

Gods, I swear!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 08 2010,5:48 pm

Double post deleted


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 08 2010,5:49 pm

Danu's come down with a case of the shingles. One side of 'its' face is fucked. Kinda reminds me of that Star Trek episode, where the characters were painted half black, and half white, but on opposite sides, so they tried to kill each other for not being of the same tribe. Anyways, I asked it if it wanted to go to the Indian restaurant down the street, and it said no, 'cause it doesn't wanna scare the shoite oot o' 'em. Onyhoo, I suggested then maybe you can just tell 'em I beat the living crap outta ya for coming home minus my nose hair coat for the very last time. 'It' didn't go for it.

The Hell with MTV! I want my nose hair coat!!!!!!!


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 09 2010,8:27 am

I just found this, I'm on dial-up, I just started downloading, it's in very bad taste, so I just HAD to post it here:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qdb6wC0Iz4&feature=player_embedded >

Grandma Got Molested At The Airport, as opposed to Run Over By A Reindeer.  

We need a revolution, but the sheeple are too sheeple-ised.  Oh well.  If you voluntarily get your ass irradiated all the time, you'll get what's coming to ya, and you'll realise too late.  Will TSA be innundated with lawsuits for all the cancer cases they will be the cause of, and do the formerly willing victims have a snowballs chance in Hell of winning?!  Pro'bly not.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 09 2010,5:39 pm

Can y'all like imagine, like axin' this o' yo, like fizzics teacha?

"Yo!  If ya ignore the heat in the centre o' the planet, and like manage to like drill a big hole all the way through, and ya jump in, what 'appens?  Do ya like slow down and float when ya hit the centre, 'cause ya got gravity pullin' at ya the same in all directions, or do ya jus' pick up enough speed an' velocity to keep yo' ass goin' and ya shoot into space after ya come out the other end, and what is terminal velocity in a sitcherashon like that?"  Must use the Southernest accent you can as you present the question, of course.
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 10 2010,1:54 am

< http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=163331162673210702# >

I think you will appreciate this one too Holden!  :laugh:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 10 2010,11:34 am

:clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 10 2010,1:26 pm

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the blackBurberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
 ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 11 2010,11:14 am

This is kinda  a private joke for those who have been exposed to the language of 'Schnoodles Langtail' of Strictly Nosehairs On Tap.  (Nyip, nyip, nyerp nyoop.)  Imagine arranging a flashmob to 'nyip' Shedrik, aka Carol Of The Bells at a mall, or in front of various churches right before the service begins?

For those not familiar with the lovely Schnoodles, an example is here:  http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=329839

Auld Lang Syne.  But maybe try to stay in tune better.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 15 2010,7:56 pm

I got this from rumourmillnews.  It's allegedly makin' the rounds.

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED ENGLISH!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ...

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop?
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 15 2010,11:02 pm

:laugh:  thank you for that!

Hey if you guys get in a fight with a couple of yuppie douches this holiday season they mow you over or whatever at the store,  point to the guys girlfriend or boyfriend and say " Meh your mother dresses you funny"
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 15 2010,11:17 pm

< http://www.metacafe.com/watch....ame_sir >
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 19 2010,11:15 am

A thought:

If I advertised on Craigslist that I wanted a nose hair coat, and would pay anything, would I start a crime spree of people getting attacked and held down whilst someone forcebly performs a nose hairectomy on them?

Hmmmmmm.  Interesting experiment to try.
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 21 2010,12:21 am

a hairectomy  :laugh:  :laugh:  that would hurt like hell!

I found something really noteworthy :

< http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/permalink.php?viewid=8170 >
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 21 2010,6:15 am

But they CAN still pet noses, so who cares?!  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Leilah on Dec. 21 2010,6:30 am

Hey Morgan! That poem is GREAT!!  :2bounce:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 21 2010,2:30 pm

It sure busted me and Danu up.  How funny, and how true.
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 23 2010,11:27 pm

If you are prone to sleep walking don't become a habitual nudist.
Posted by: lyliaun on Dec. 24 2010,12:00 am

< http://used-outboard-motor.net/How_To_....ME.html >
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 24 2010,6:54 am

LOL on both.  I did like the second painting better.   :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 24 2010,8:19 pm

Dracula vs. Santa Clause in a poker game:

< http://www.rense.com/general92/poker.htm >
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 12 2011,8:00 pm

A new one to ask at a family dinner:

You know how Damocles was under the sword?  So, considerin' how sporadic ya are when ya hit later menopause, can ya consider yerself under the cotton pony of Damocles then?
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 14 2011,5:17 pm

From the Donn Ui'Midr of The Xanon Chronicle perspective:

OK! I already wrote in a previous blog I'm about as metro as they come. I don't give a flyin' feck ('Fook' is more for across the Irish Sea and a wee to the north, though I use both fook and feck about equally thanks to the dialect mixin' mullethead.) about stereo-types, I know what I like, I know what I hate, and I go in accordance with my tastes. I like bubble baths, I like snugglin', milk chocolate with hazelnuts, and I'm glad I have the genetic background to look decent. I also like my hair long, and the only place I want hair is on my head, over my eyes, and so it is.

Anyway, earlier the mullethead was brushing my light-red mane out as I sat on the edge of the bed, not quite in a state to be seen in public. (I am DYED in that picture of me, as I said before. I only did that ONCE, and there was a reason for it. And being 'Closure' is NOT a work of fact in the remotest sense, it was NOT to seduce a non-existent person called Lucy Verona.) Her unmodified self, five-inch armpit hairs included; was raggin' on and on about how chicks are programmed to be these vain, superfluous, high maintenance bimbos. . .as I got sporadic caresses here and there, relishing my own unfurry, and unmarred skin.

I continue to sit there, somewhere between contemplating the cross-wired information I'm receiving of her verbal contempt of what I've done to myself, yet her show of appreciation of what I've done to myself, and wondering if I should just tune her out and enjoy where this is going to end up.

Well, I found I COULDN'T tune her out. In fact, a lot of what she said was true, and it's not like I spend any time on the waxing table. I didn't have to. My unwanted hair was gone for good, not that I was a terribly furry one to begin with. At least not when I was the age to have made my decision to kill my roots.

As I was drawing to a close of just bein' able to sit there, quite obviously interested in moving on, she says, "But don't get me wrong. I love what you've done with yourself, and I'm totally behind you on how you got there. Might do it myself some day, but I have to thank you for one thing!"

She drew it out. She didn't say what that one thing was. Eventually I just had to ask "And that bein'?!"

"You kept you NOSE HAIRS!"

Well, I got what I wanted right after, but. . .

YE GODS, NOW I'M GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT ELECTROLYSIS IN THE NOSTRILS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The picture I'm talkin' about: http://s8.photobucket.com/albums/a24/Morgan665/?action=view&current=DonnForTheSakeOfSeduction-1.jpg )


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 15 2011,7:25 pm

This actually happened. I put a bag of envelopes on the table, and the lady in charge told me to ask for help (which I didn't need), and told me to ask, and that there were two men in the room. (My hair stood on end over that one.) One of the individuals of sausage casing persuasion then asks, "Where?"

We all busted up.

Some of these were probably posted before somewhere in this forum at one time, but it's worth a repeat. Links to silly laws:

< http://lonestarwatchdog.blogspot.com/2011....ws.html >

&

< http://lonestarwatchdog.blogspot.com/2011/01/dumb-laws-continued.html >


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on Jan. 15 2011,11:13 pm

:eyemouth: Unexpected aerial phenomena can often make for some laughs :eyemouth:

Kasparov interrupted by flying Al Qaida Drone

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRslKeT0EmQ >


:clap2: :laugh: :headbang:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 17 2011,5:06 pm

Cute!

Now, what would ya do if ya saw someone sittin' on a street corner quadruped style. Cat or doglike, in regular clothes, dog collar, leash attached and draggin', with a sign around its neck (gender optional), that said:

Vaccinated
Fixed
Litter box trained
Omnivorous
Only spray if you pick me up wrong

and it nyipped at you, and only nyipped. . .well, or nyerpped or nyoopped.

****************

Next time someone invites ya fer a pork dinner, are ya gonna tell 'em ya don't eat pigs no mo' 'cause they remind ya too much of people?


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 22 2011,6:36 am

An off the wall 'in character' blog post of mine:

< http://vergilxanon.blogspot.com/2010....es.html >

Not the funniest thing I ever came up with, but. . .
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 23 2011,8:19 pm

Trihalomethanes- is that caused by 3 saints farting in the water?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 24 2011,11:03 am

har har tee hee nyuk nyuk :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 26 2011,4:11 pm

We gots us a new apartment manager, and she tells me in 'er e-mail that she's never too busy fer referrals.  

Ya know how temptin' it was to e-mail back, "Sorry, I'm a misanthropic isolationist who has as little to do with mortal flotsam as possible.  Try #4." or "If I hated someone enough to suggest they move in here, I wouldn't want them livin' in the same complex."

But I didn't.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 30 2011,4:40 am

This is one of my absolute WORST!!!!!!

Is 'fizzics' the study of carbonation?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Jan. 30 2011,10:05 am

:shake:
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 30 2011,5:13 pm

Thank you.   :eyemouth:   I. . .uh. . .think.
Posted by: lyliaun on Jan. 31 2011,7:27 am

< http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/old-people-are-stoned >
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 01 2011,5:44 pm

THIS IS REAL.  LETTER EDITED TO EXCLUDE PERSONAL INFORMATION.

Me dealin' with our apartment manager:

Thank you for your prompt rent payment for February and for your gas bill payment.

When you or anyone you know have short sale; foreclosure; purchase of new and Resale or Sell of regular properties - please contact me.

We appreciate you as a tenant and look forward to your referrals.

Sincerely,

Lucille Property Manager




I would like you to know that I am never too busy for any of your REFERRALS!!!


My reply:

I'm a misanthropic isolationist who deals with mortal flotsam as little as possible and I do try to keep my circle of the dayam liabilities down to the absolute minimum, but if by remote chance I run into someone, I'll keep you in mind. We also appreciate this receipt. Thanks.

Morgan


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 03 2011,10:22 am

One thing cool about frequentin' East Indian restaurants.  Ya can learn Hindi. . .one food product at a time.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 03 2011,1:46 pm

When Your Lass Friend Of Marginally Better Than Average Looks Asks. . .

"What do you see in me?", NEVER say, "I'm only interested in your mind.  If I want a fashion accessory, I've got my boyfriend."



Especially if said boyfriend is in the same room, and he can overpower you like a tiger can overpower a housecat.



Famous last words, 4 HOURS later.  "Let's finish him up now.  We've got to take care of the horses."
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 08 2011,10:14 am

Ya know, it's temptin' to start introducin' myself like this:

WHAT YA SEE BEFORE YA IS THE RESULT OF 10 TO 15 MINUTES OF COMPLETE IRRESPONSIBILTY OF A COUPLE OF IDIOT ASSHOLES WHO COULDN'T SEE CONSEQUENCES IF IT BIT 'EM IN THE FACE.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 11 2011,4:10 pm

Boil up some red chard, save the water, pour it into a public loo, don't flush, stand by and wait for reaction.

Or to be meaner yet. . .you are with someone who has to commute 100 mile a day to work, so you spontaneously say; "Man, these gas prices are ridiculous. You know I'm actually spendin' 30 to 40 bucks a month on that stuff now?


Posted by: lyliaun on Feb. 13 2011,1:59 am

< http://www.tuxick.net/pics/VennDiagram_jesus.jpg >
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 16 2011,3:04 pm

OK! THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE WORST!!!!!!!!!

Ya know, sometimes I am so out of it. Forgot to take inventory for storage space before I went shoppin', and ended up with "A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE WORSE THAN DVDA".

Or should that be a clich? Anyone gonna use it?


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 26 2011,6:06 pm

New insult for obnoxious person:

Excuse me, but it is not in my job description to acknowledge your existence.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 28 2011,4:57 pm

< http://www.gilad.co.uk/writings/how-to-cook-a-gentile.html >

I'm sorry.  This is supposed to be a political message.  I don't think it was posted in order to be funny, but I just couldn't help myself.  I know what's behind it, but at the same time it's so MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

(I'm also not going to bash an entire set of cultures/subcultures because of what SOME of them do.)
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 28 2011,6:12 pm

OK!  I can't stand Winston Churchill.  Homicidal arsehole.  Still, he had a point when he said:

"The best argument against democracy is a five--minute conversation with the average voter."
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 01 2011,12:22 pm

Craigslist ad.  Hot chick seeks rich host:

< http://www.finerminds.com/lifestyle/funny-craigslist-ad/ >

The reply served her right.  Funny as Hell.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 02 2011,9:50 am

:laugh:  :clap2:
Posted by: [m] on Mar. 03 2011,11:23 am

absolutely awesome  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 15 2011,2:52 am

Saw a bumper sticker:

"When Jesus said love thy enemies, I don't think he meant kill them."

Tempting to add, "Don't do them any favours"

Or rewrite it.  "When Jesus said love thy enemies, do it on a plate after they're properly seasoned."

Love to wear that T-shirt past the temple of the raspy tongue, across the street.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 15 2011,4:17 pm

Obviously not mine:

"Oh, the joys of living near Atlanta !"

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turnaround and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina .

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." except that in Cobb County, where all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke's all they drink there so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it's still called Coke.

The gates at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.

The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm. (Don't forget the lunch time rush hour!)

Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.

Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue , so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawntz duh LEE-awn."

And yes, they have a street named simply, "Boulevard."

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta which has a posted speed limit of 55 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop ."

If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta . Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia , plus a couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites. If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.

It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store) - also can be pronounced "Fixinta".

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

"How's Momma-nem" means: "How's Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing?"
Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 16 2011,10:38 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Leilah on Mar. 16 2011,6:33 pm

You obviously never lived in Louisiana...where we eat...by-yamama's..an' stores we knew ain't dare no mo'....Hey Cher...y'all gittin my meanin'..we axed at da grocery t'day if'n day had any chiltlin's...but day jus' had some gizzards' from da night befoe...

Mistre Bigble stay's at da Carlton Ritz cause he can't see da parades on Canal...ain't dare no mo'
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 17 2011,9:00 am

:laugh:   Don'' y'all git me a'started.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 30 2011,8:37 am

Oh, gods above and below, PLEASE GET ME OFF THIS DAYAM PLANET ASAP!!!!!!!

*************

The following is purported to be dialogue from actual calls to various call/business/customer service centers:

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly stat es
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is
correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in
Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I
need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file
back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. This guy
should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the
customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired;
however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for
'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Opera tor: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept
anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here i t is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over??'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle
-- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and stuff that your
computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 30 2011,8:47 am

Partial double post deleted.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 30 2011,1:26 pm

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :clap2:  :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on April 07 2011,10:57 am

T-shirts to get you kicked off a plane. I don't know what's funnier. The fact that these t-shirts exist, or the fact they will get you kicked off a plane.


< http://www.news.com.au/travel....?page=1 >

How much higher can my contempt for the system go?????????? I like the Freedom Or Death one and TSA pin-ups, especially.


Posted by: Morgan on May 01 2011,6:12 am

A Conceptual Tax Revolt:

Wouldn't it be hilarious if everyone who owed payed their entire tax bill minus 1 cent? How much is it gonna cost bill all those people for 1 cent? And of course, they would.

Government intelligence at its finest.

Oh well. In my dreams.

And make all checks out to The Infernal Revenue Service.
Posted by: Morgan on May 04 2011,4:43 pm

This is subtle.  Too subtle probably for a busy store clerk to get, but I noticed a few things really went up at Trader Joe's, but it was tempting to say/ask:

"I see the high fuel prices and transportation costs of late finally triggered a price increase. Now I wonder, after fuel prices go down again; WHICH ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, will your prices go down to their previous levels, or will the profit margin just be raised?"
Posted by: Morgan on May 12 2011,10:31 am

I oughta be skinned, keel-hauled, hung from the highest yardarm, drawn, quartered, lingchied and have salt and vinegar added for posting this:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBWQCHb95rg >

THIS has over 14,000,000 hits?????? These guys had a gig at the Cow Palace? I never HEARD of them until I just had to key in how 'Farmer In The Dell' went, wondering if that's what some of our local ice cream trucks play. It is, and this is what I get for it.

Oh, and ya gotta watch The Wiggles version of 'Farmer In The Dell'.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxQGkPcAze4 >

YES, MISERY LOVES COMPANY. AND COULD YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF IF YOU WERE ONE OF THESE GUYS?


Posted by: HOLDEN on May 12 2011,11:10 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Leilah on May 12 2011,5:47 pm

WOT??? :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2011,8:16 am

I dunno, but now I hear they've been around for 20 years, and they are quite popular. I never heard of 'em until now. Thank the gods for no TV. Speaking of TV, here is something Sean Connery would probably like to forget.

< http://www.pulpinternational.com/images/postimg/thunderballs%2001.jpg >

Gods! Imagine having to dress like this day in and day out until the dayam film was finished? And to be immortalised on a poster via this shot???????????????


Posted by: Samaelz on May 18 2011,6:43 pm

Did you know that Satan got jelous when Hittler came town? Satan himself turned into a indian giver because of the spell he casted for himself to wake up and be Hittler just blew up in his face! Someone other than Satan became Hittler. So Satan had no choice but to become a trader against himself and didn't let that fat basterd live to win the war of global domination.........
Posted by: Samaelz on May 18 2011,8:05 pm

Mr.X said: So what did they do with the glove of Armageddon? Woe,That must of been one Hellova of a Knock Out!!

Dr.O said: No, actualy we found it in the glove compartment of your car before you came inside our door.

Mr. X said: Huh? No way dude! Now why is it that experts like you keep bringing me down? :shake:

Dr.O said: Because it's people like you who don't believe in our profession! :shake:


Posted by: Morgan on May 20 2011,9:31 pm

This is a GUT BUSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

< http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011....ddy.jpg >

Rapture day prank.
Posted by: Morgan on May 22 2011,6:51 am

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LXuNpF6NVg >

This is kinda mean, but hey!  It's from a TV show.


Posted by: Samaelz on May 23 2011,8:13 pm

I was hanging out on the beach and one lady clunched downward hiding the rest of her body under the beach so just her head was showing swinging from side to side.

-So I screamed out LADY, LADY, LADY? If your gonna drown those puppies -I'll take the one w/the brown nose.. .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Posted by: Samaelz on May 23 2011,9:49 pm

Person1 :uhoh: What's are christian daughter doing reading "The Complete Books Of Azrael" ???

Person2 I dunno -What do we do??

Person1 I dunno do you?

Person2 I dunno! That's why I asked you frist. :shake:

Person1 Oh! :twitch:


Posted by: HOLDEN on May 24 2011,9:39 am

a photon checks into a hotel. the bellhop asks the photon "do you have any luggage?" the photon replies "no; i'm traveling light."
Posted by: Morgan on May 24 2011,2:34 pm

:laugh:  :2bounce:  :laugh:

Ye gods!  Physics teachers would love that one.  Is it yours?
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 25 2011,10:02 am

i heard it from a friend, and i don't know where she got it.
Posted by: Morgan on May 27 2011,9:30 am

Gods ya gotta read those comments:

< http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080626170904AAltCZI >

Moi, promotin' my favourite theoretical dining experience that never happened?

Well, not quite.
Posted by: Morgan on May 27 2011,3:25 pm

Political Incorrectness 101

Asking a heavily freckled person if they're an appaloosa or a dalmation.
Posted by: Morgan on May 28 2011,9:37 am

At a local coffee/beer and sandwich place, they've got a pretty good lookin' bartender/barista by the name of Jesse Ventura, and he does have a rather outstanding nose.  When we go, we always tip well, and I'm the one to remind him we only tip high because of his nose.  I haven't seen him behind the counter for a while, but I figure if we go again and I do, I'd lay this on him.  Hand him a twenty for a couple of custom lattes, and say:

"Ye gods, what a nose.  If I saw more of it, I'd probably be dreamin' of it.  Can ya bequeath it to me in yer will in the unlikely event you should die before me?  I'll have it guilt in silver, mounted on black velvet with a silver frame, mount it over the fireplace which we don't have, and polish it once a week.  I even rearranged Kim Carnes' song 'Bette Davis' Eyes' to 'Jess Ventura's Nose' (Hand him a copy of my Jim Durante's Nose, with the name changed.)  Maybe we'll record it, and put it on YouTube."  Pause.  "I suppose I should let ya keep all the change for that one, huh?!"
Posted by: Morgan on May 29 2011,3:05 pm

A Cafe Concept:

The Donner Party Cafe, serving soup, sandwiches, tea and latte. Patrick Dolan Chowder, Roast Lemuel Murphy with lettuce, onions, tomatoes and pickle on rye, Franklin Graves Burgers. Of course in reality serve only tofu, and make it a vegetarian restaurant.

Uh, or would that be in bad taste?

************

A way to deter dates of sausage casin' persuasion:

Have a wall covered with realistic lookin' penii, and tell the 'schlong perch' these were your exes that didn't measure up.


Posted by: HOLDEN on May 30 2011,10:49 am

:laugh: :laugh: you are so bad! :laugh: :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 30 2011,11:44 am

Thanks.  I try.  Maybe I could get a job writin' fer sitcoms in Hollyweird?  Nahhhhhh.  Probably not stupid enough.
Posted by: Morgan on May 30 2011,5:45 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1tufujnbzU >


OK, this is a video featuring the "New Orleans Bounce" by Mr. Ghetto. It was sent to me by a dude in Chicago after sending him the Wal-Mart pics. It did bust me up. Now can y'all imagine the Krispy Creme lassies doin' the New Orleans Bounce?

Yes, I WOULD pay to see that.


Posted by: Morgan on June 02 2011,4:19 pm

As we know, I can be quite un-nice at times.  Colder 'n zero Kelvin, even.  Onyhoo, there is a site.  It's called "Iraq War Casualty Pictures".  No, I ain't gonna post the link 'cause I don't feel like gettin' exiled from the forum fer people tossin' their cookies over the pics, but I did post it on my blog, and I contemplated titlin' the thing DIN-DIN.

But I didn't.  Yet I did have to tell y'all about it.

There is somethin' I learned.  Don't let white phosphorus near anyone ya plan to consume.
Posted by: Morgan on June 05 2011,11:26 am

ALL I CAN SAY IS, I GUESS THIS IS A GOOD DIVERSION



Diversion from what, I can't really say.

< http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070816024716AAzP4Vp >

My. . .uh. . .favourite rock idol is finally makin' a name fer itself.

Oh, and check out these links:

< http://www.google.com/search?....e=utf-8 >

ABOUT TIME!!!!!!!!!


Posted by: Morgan on June 07 2011,5:41 am

True cat story.

None of our neighbours on our level in our wing like cats. Sable, who rarely goes out; gets the vibes. He asks to go out front some times, and he'll spray every last door (3 of them) of these people. A couple if days ago I watched him. He did his thing, then on the last door, he stood up on his hind legs, rattled their screen door, and came trottin' back home. Like ring the doorbell and run. Don't remember how long I was laughing over that one. He only likes to do it in the AM hours, like at dawn or just before dawn, when there's no one out there, and he knows he probably won't get caught.

Cats do have a sense of humour. Gods, the way they interact; you can tell. Then there's the things they do to me. . .
Posted by: Morgan on June 24 2011,3:21 pm

I am mean, colder than liquid helium, and a total bastard, but I JUST COULDN'T HELP MYSELF, OKAAAAAAAY?

< http://feedthemoon.wordpress.com/2011....ent-145 >

A new one for TSA, or the first incident like this that made the news, that I know of.  Yes, and when ya scroll down; that first obnoxious comment is mine.
Posted by: Morgan on June 29 2011,8:33 am

Prince Philip quotes:

< http://www.google.com/imgres?....rl=http >

Rather amusing on how politically incorrect he can be.  They didn't mention where he wanted to be reincarnated as a virus to kill off a huge percent of humanity.  But he'd have to die first.

So Phil, how's aboot committin' suicide, so ya can fill yer ambition???

(Hey!  NO ONE  outdoes me on political incorrectness, OKAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY?!)
Posted by: Morgan on July 06 2011,4:32 pm

There's a sausage casin' who owns our local Kraski with a real awesome, hot nose. I asked him to bequeath it to me when he died, and he told me he did, after askin' his wife's permission. We've been missin' him for weeks, when we go in, but the next time I see 'im, of course I will ask to pet his nose (he lets me), and I'll also confess that I'm lookin' at his nose when I talk to him, but hey! At least I ain't lookin' at 'is tits. (I do intend to tell him that, too. When it happens, I'll let this forum know the result.)


Posted by: Morgan on July 06 2011,6:01 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Tu0PAbW75A&feature=related >

Not quite Riverdance.  The intro's a drag, but it's worth the wait.


Posted by: Morgan on July 10 2011,8:48 pm

On my walks I see a few runners.  The sausage casin's usually wear shorts down to the knees, and I have this conversation in mind.  Me askin, "With gams like yours, shouldn't you be more considerate and wear hot pants?"

I picture 'im stoppin, and askin', "And what would you do if I said that to you?"

"I'd run you down and lick your nose, you sexist pig."
Posted by: Morgan on July 18 2011,8:53 pm

Is a young chick a chicklet?
Posted by: Morgan on July 19 2011,4:46 am

Next time I run into someone from south o' the border I ought to tell 'em the truth!

"Usted no habla Espaol. Hablan Espaol en Espaa. Usted no uso de la forma de Vosotros. Usted habla Mexicanese."

In English:

"You don't speak Spanish. They speak Spanish in Spain. You don't use the Vosotros form. You speak Mexicanese."


Posted by: HOLDEN on July 19 2011,10:45 am

well, to our credit (i say "our" because i'm half Mexican, my mom's Mexican) we don't use the thilly lithp either! :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 19 2011,11:57 am

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSMtbgCpN_4&feature=fvst >

How Close to a Train Track Can You Setup a Vegetable Market?

Right under the train.  This is beyond the beyond.  I AIN'T goin' where this is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on July 19 2011,1:35 pm

I think this was staged. There is no way in H-E-L-L I would do this unless I knew for a fact that I could fit, ahead of time:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4IVDtiU0Thc >

Crazy biker passes underneath tractor on freeway.


Posted by: Morgan on July 19 2011,7:30 pm

HOW IN THE FECK DO YOU CARRY THIS THING????????

< http://www.coolest-gadgets.com/2007071....y-knife >

Ye gods, the things they come up with.  Well, at least they admit it's absurd.
Posted by: Morgan on July 20 2011,8:09 am

An e-mail I sent:

Speakin' o' the ten commandments, there is not one that says, "Though shalt not consume thy neighbour on a plate with a side order of Basmati rice."  So cannibalism is legal by Judaic law?  Excuses that guy in Brooklyn, I guess.

(If this gets posted on RMN, I'm gonna laugh so hard I may not survive.)
Posted by: Morgan on July 20 2011,3:14 pm

Someone asked me if I suffer from insanity and I replied no, that I actually enjoy it! :)

A quote I read from whatreallyhappened.com. Don't know if Mike Rivero wrote it, but I agree with it 1000%. I do enjoy bein' a nut case.


Posted by: HOLDEN on July 21 2011,1:59 pm

"If they are our brothers, why can't we eat them?" - Principia Discordia
Posted by: Morgan on July 22 2011,8:21 am

Best question I heard all year!!!!!!   :eyemouth:   Why not?  I'll bring da marinade!!!!!!!!!

(Am I makin' anybody nervous yet?  Or at least averse to comin' over to my flat fer din-din???????  But hey!  Worry not.  Like I said before.  I haven't consumed anybody. . .YET!)
Posted by: Morgan on July 26 2011,10:33 pm

A couple o' questions for yer college horticulture teacher:

YO! WHEN'S CARROTS IN SEASON, AND HOW CAN YA TELL THEY'RE RIPE, AND NOT GREEN OR SOMETHIN' IF THEY'RE ALWAYS UNNERGROUND???!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Shoot me again, Leilah!


Posted by: Morgan on July 29 2011,7:29 pm

< http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html? >

GPS On-line Locator
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 08 2011,9:15 am

Korean ping-pong:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11X8un9YzFU >
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 09 2011,10:52 pm

I remember that song now I played with on 'Random Things'

(Sorry Elvis----No, not really.)

Cook me tender,
Cook me sweet,
Always cook me slow.
Roast me well done and complete,
With oregano.

Cook me tender,
Cook me through,
In a crock pot filled.
For my chef, oregano,
Simmer if you will

Cook me tender,
Cook me long,
Serve me a la cart.
Let me stew with leeks among,
A fresh chicken heart.

Cook me tender,
Cook me here,
You don't need no twine.
I'll go well with any beers
Or with a red wine.

When at last I'm cooked all through,
On a plate you'll show
What have done so very few
With some kneaded dough.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 19 2011,10:48 am

< http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news....es.html >

Graffiti artists at large. These are funnnnnny!
Posted by: HOLDEN on Aug. 20 2011,11:52 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 26 2011,8:54 pm

When I saw this on rumormillnews, I just cracked up:

Hurricane Irene; Mandatory Evacuation Order For 1 Million Cape May, NJ Residents. (views: 443)
glasc -- Friday, 26-Aug-2011 18:36:02

NEW: 1 MILLION CAPE MAY RESIDENTS, I BELIEVE THAT IS 996,393 TOO MANY (views: 266)
SCRIBE -- Friday, 26-Aug-2011 19:56:32

NEW: Thank you, Scribe for that clarification (views: 55)
glasc -- Friday, 26-Aug-2011 21:23:01


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 20 2011,1:08 pm

Song slaughter.  Only got 2 lines, and I don't know if I actually will go through with it, but. . .

The tide is high, and I'm movin' through. . .
I'm gonna be your number two. . .

It will be a song concept about someone who has been consumed and is in the process of bein' digested.

Sorry, Blondie.  No, not really, but. . .
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 20 2011,1:33 pm

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist:

SORRY, BLONDIE

The tide is high but I'm movin' through
I'm gonna be your number two
I'm not the kind of stew who clogs your gut like that
Oh, no

You cooked me with enough spices and had to add
Tatties, carrots, garlic, and a touch of chablis

I'm not the kind of stew who clogs your gut like that
Oh, no

The tide is high but I'm movin' through
I'm gonna be your number two
Number two, number two

Forgot to turn on the oven fan
Hey, at least you didn't let me burn

I'm not the kind of stew who clogs your gut like that
Oh, no

The tide is high but I'm movin' through
I'm gonna be your number two
Number two, number two

Forgot to turn on the oven fan
Hey, at least you didn't let me burn

I'm not the kind of stew who clogs your gut like that
Oh, no

The tide is high but I'm movin' through
I'm gonna be your number two


Posted by: HOLDEN on Sep. 21 2011,9:59 am

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 24 2011,1:42 pm

Palestine's UN Plea: Why Does the World Stand By, Good Men All, Doing Nothing While Evil Prevails?

Evil makes bigger campaign donations.

From 'whatreallyhappened.com'.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 26 2011,6:29 pm

I had to laugh when I saw this title for whatreallyhappened.com:


Sep
26
15:45
Settlers Take Their Infants To Target Practice
By: dawson
Tags: ISRAEL


I don't think they meant 'as targets', but then again, I didn't read the article, and I'm not goin' to.
Posted by: Jentzi on Oct. 01 2011,3:53 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
I had to laugh when I saw this title for whatreallyhappened.com:


Sep
26
15:45
Settlers Take Their Infants To Target Practice
By: dawson
Tags: ISRAEL


I don't think they meant 'as targets', but then again, I didn't read the article, and I'm not goin' to.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Mwahahahahaha!  :laugh: Oh the images!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 02 2011,3:37 pm

Apparently I really get around:

< http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message1555924/pg1 >

(No, I'm NOT a member. They wouldn't have me, and I wouldn't have them.)
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 06 2011,12:07 pm

Found this on whatreallyhappened.com:

Oct
06
09:33
Police Club, Pepper Spray #occupywallstreet Protestors @ Wall Street 10.05.11
Tags: CURRENT EVENTS DICTATORSHIP ECONOMY PROTESTS/REVOLUTION

There is a story that the Roman Emperor Caligula decided to have a picnic by the sea, and chanced to set up his tents on the beach at low tide. As the festivities progressed, the rising tide threatened to flood the Emperor's party, but rather than admit his own error and move his picnic to high ground, Caligula ordered his Roman guards to flog the ocean, in order to drive the tide back to where the Emperor thought it belonged.

I imagine those Roman guards looked a great deal like those white-shirted policemen, flailing about helplessly in the face of the inevitable inundation.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 17 2011,12:33 am

Imagine, in a bar sidlin' up to someone and say, "Has anyone ever told you, you look like you'd make excellent burrito fillin'?"

Of course, they'll say no, and you say.

"Well you do, so would you like to come home with me, though I have to stop on the way to the super to buy some flour tortillas, jalepenos and I think I'm out o' onions."
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 18 2011,5:27 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTayQhIkB58&feature=player_embedded >

Alpha male, George Carlin at his best.  Gods, this is brilliant!  :worm:
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 19 2011,11:41 am

in the margin next to that, click on "George Carlin's greatest moment"...which, for my time and attention, REALLY IS his greatest moment.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 19 2011,6:25 pm

Not there yet, bein' on dial-up, and havin' a work gig tonight, but I will over the next couple o' days. George, Judy Tenuta and Robin Williams me thinks are the best comics that ever were.

Now, from the awesome Ryan Dawson (H-e-l-l, he looks more like a Garcia or somethin', but hey!) from whatreally happened.com:

HOLY BAILOUT 75 trillion for Bank of America/Satan
By: dawson
Tags: CURRENT EVENTS

I'm not saying to do a run on the bank because that s illegal now but um do um "don't" run on the bank by Nov 5th.

Here's the link, if interested:  http://www.rys2sense.com/anti-neocons/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=27144

Gods, I'll pet HIS nose, any time!!!!!!!!


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 21 2011,1:09 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/embed/-icgySC4e2c >

This almost makes me wanna become a Costco member. Almost!

Candid Camera can eat these guys' dust! Fun in the food court!


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 23 2011,5:50 pm

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8f35gJmpE-E&feature=related >

False advertisin'.  That's all I have to say.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 25 2011,4:24 pm

That's it! I have seen the light! I'm gonna become a total, devout Pastafarian. I have never had religion explained so well to me. (Not!)

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=nIBfNsPDw1I >

Gods above and below, but HOW CAN ANYBODY DO THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE?????!!! I wonder how many takes he had to do to get it right?

Actually, the only thing that makes it funny is how serious he seems to be, but hey.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 26 2011,11:53 am

:laugh: ...amusing, yes...but i'm stickin' with Discordianism. it's good enough for me.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 26 2011,12:27 pm

And I'll stick with bein' a Gate Keeper obsessed nondenominational Pagan who parallels the Cathar philosophies, though bein' non-vegan, I'm a crappy one.  Won't give up my butter, cream, yoghurt, cheese, eggs, and I do steal a sliver of the cats' food here and there, like that last bit o' tuna that won't come out o' the can, or that singed piece of fish at the end.  Twice a month I also eat halal Tandoori chicken at the Sikh restaurant down the street.  Got a way to go, but I'm not motivated enough to go all the way veggie.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 02 2011,4:15 pm

My, what thoughts go through my head.

Cool that there's an actor named Jack Noseworthy (Event Horizon).

Snortland is in the bigger phone books as a surname. Often more than one. (How the #### DID ANYONE COME UP WITH THAT???????!!!!!!!!!!)

I just come up with Parkinsnot, and. . .:
< http://www.google.com/search?....=1&sa=X >

Snottingworth:
< http://www.google.com/search?....e=utf-8 >

And can ya imagine goin' through life bein' called Harold Carey?
Harry Carey? How's about Harry Carey Parkinsnot or Snottingworth?

And of course we must not forget my 'Strictly Nosehairs On Tap' alter ego of Igleson Snortworth III.

(Morgan, maybe you should try a little harder at gettin' a job. Too much time on the nostrils, eh?)


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 08 2011,6:39 pm

This ain't gonna happen, but I can dream.

I'm havin' a glass o' this killer Ruby Kist veggie juice.  It's way better than V-8.  No mysterious ingredients, and way less salt.  Tastes 500% better, and it's nice and thick.

I imagine havin' it outside on the balcony, and one o' those infernal screechlin' brats that doesn't quite break windows asks what it is.  I yell over, "IT'S THE KID THAT USED TO LIVE ACROSS FROM US.  SHE WAS TOO NOISY, SO I CAUGHT HER AND PUT 'ER THROUGH THE JUICER.  IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, YOU'RE NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But I'd probably get the cops called on me or somethin', then I'd have some 'splainin' to do, 'cause I do have a sign up on the front window that says missionaries will be cooked and eaten, so. . .
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 16 2011,5:17 pm

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=221841 >

Killer way to deal with telemarketers.  Laughed my ass off.  Unfortunately it glued itself back, but hey.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 20 2011,9:54 am

My god, the things you find on the web.  I'm not sure this really belongs here, but parts of it are funny.  The fact it  even exists blows me out of the water.  I busted up when I saw the title, and I busted up even more when I saw the 'band'.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLgJ7pk0X-s >

Not the best version, but it's The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly theme like you'll never see it again.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 20 2011,10:39 am

:clap2: the Ukulele Orchestra is GREAT!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 23 2011,12:04 pm

< http://www.change.org/petitio....evision >

This is a link to a petition to get Megyn Kelly to eat or drink a full dose of the 'food product', as she called it, of pepper spray on TV.

From what she said on the news, she might be stupid enough to do it.  I'll be lookin' for the YouTube video if she does.

No, I didn't sign it.  I don't feel like abusing 'tards today.  Unless they're politicians, anyway.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 28 2011,1:05 am

< http://kidsiscrap.wordpress.com/ >

Picture on upper left corner.  LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 02 2011,5:06 pm

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=223303 >

The hazards of not being a grammer Nazi in a religious setting.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 03 2011,5:02 am

How the Irish learned to dance.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=m0rrLdWLu_0 >

Now how many saw that coming?
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 06 2011,10:14 am

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdV4Kn3hQ2U >

Very dark holiday humour. I HATE THIS SONG, but these lyrics make it almost OK. The messages at the end are political, though. And REAL.

Maybe I shoulda put this somewhere else, but. . .

Add on edit, while finding funny political stuff.  A headline on whatreallyhappened.com:

"Gingrich Paid for Anal Bleachings with Government Funds"

Okaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!  That's nice.  Reminds me of that line about puttin' lipstick on a pig.


Posted by: Jentzi on Dec. 09 2011,6:22 pm



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
How the Irish learned to dance.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=m0rrLdWLu_0 >

Now how many saw that coming?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


ROFL! If you only knew how many people I see doing that at work!  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 12 2011,4:06 pm

Found this on godlikeproductions. More analogies for crotch droppings, and man' a lot of these are funnier than mine, though some are repeated:

larva
nose miner
carpet mouse
yard ape
spawn
crumb crusher
rugrat
linoleum lizard
howling shit-machine
semen demon
carrier monkey
loin monkey
little no-neck monster
sperm vermin
minime
booger eater
crumb-snatcher
snot factory
vomit comet
carpet shark
annoying little bastard from H.e.l.l.
demon spawn
fartling
H.e.l.l. spawn
PIT (plural: PITs) (It's an acronym for Person In Training)
pediatric abomination
crotch fruit
carpet crawler
units
parasite
life-stopper
STD
plague
income sapper
germ monger
lice spreader
environment killer
oxygen waster
human trainee
crumb grinder
crotch trophie
curtain climber
shriekling
flesh loaf
womb droppings
ankle biter
spring-off (offspring)
sperm 'n egg omelette
sprog-off
one-off
get-off
litter puppy
those icky things
little sticky people
squirmer
snot dripper
urchin
brat
crotch trophy

(Aren't we glad I got fixed BEFORE putting myself in a position of having one of those infernal things?)

Oh, and here's my list previously posted though I did have a we bit of help:

Landmine detectors.
Mushroom testers.
Piranha food.
Shark bait.
Famine protection.
Purina Baal-Hamon and/or Tanit Chow.
Lab animal.
The parasite that makes tapeworms look good. (With tape worms, you lose weight.)
Proof of human stupidity.
Broken alarm clock.
Skeet replacement.
Financial meltdown plan.
Date repellent.
Virus factory.
Ball and chain.
The Destroyer.
The inconvenience of all inconveniences.
Birth control.
Instant resource diversion.
Luau course.
The 18 year sentence.
The primary reason Carthage should have won the Punic Wars.
Stew meat.
Crotch droppings.
Biological accidents.
Screechlings.
Environmental liabilities.
Unprocessed Soylent Green crackers.
Ankle biters.
To-morrow's meatloaf.

(I wonder if in a previous life I had crotch droppin's in the double digits, and the last one killed me after 128 hours in labour.  That might explain in part my aversion to the things, huh?)


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 16 2011,7:54 am

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on"? "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection". The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving"? The man replies, "About a gallon".

From Danu's Facebook page.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 16 2011,12:40 pm

< http://www.thestar.com/news....es?bn=1 >

Christopher Hitchens quotes.  Some of these are gut busters.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 16 2011,3:18 pm

I love the cover of this book:

< http://books.google.com/books/about/To_Serve_Man.html?id=mm7DL0g1PK4C >

Nice title of another book down below: "The Cannibal Within".

Add on edit: I just read "The Cannibal Within" on line, and found it to be one of the most disgusting, yet educational novellas I ever read in my life. Found out about a lot of things like 'The Flower Wars' of the Aztecs, and such. It's kind of pornographic, but not at all something to turn you on. Throw up if it was happening to you, but not what you call erotica. I don't think I want to meet the writer. I'm not gonna begin to even try to fathom on what would get someone to write something like that. . .unless maybe he's a PETA member or something?

(Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now everyone who reads this post is gonna look it up and read it, right? Warning! It's NOT great literature. I'd be embarrassed to have something like that out.)

Further add on edit.  I looked the writer up (Dr. Mark Mirabello).  He's pretty cool.  And he got his PhD in Glasgow, Scotland, so that explains everything.  That, or he's another nose.


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 19 2011,4:56 am

The whole SNOT album plus Fajeeta on a Flower Tortila is up for free now:

< http://www.soundclick.com/bands....t=music >

All yours for anyone who wants to listen to some rather insane, anti-social insanity.  Check back in a month or so to see if Danu has 'Twat Plug' up.  Our last song that didn't make it this time around.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 21 2011,7:45 pm

I will not do this here, bein' I don't wanna get exiled from the forum again, then have to apologise and say I won't do it again, but the next time I find a link with the south of the border narco gangs leavin' a person hangin' from a bridge in several pieces, I'm gonna post this title on my political blogs:

DOESN'T THE MEXICAN CULTURE HAVE A LONG HISTORY OF CANNIBALISM?

Then I'll post the link, and comment:

So why are they lettin' all this formerly fresh meat go to waste?
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 24 2011,11:06 am

If God had not meant for us to fart, He wouldn't have invented gas!

Yes, that's mine. I had nothin' better to do this Christmas Eve, than come up with somethin' like that, OK? Great bumper sticker idea, no?


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 25 2011,1:55 pm

Dark political humour:

You're a major activist who people are actually listenin' to (unlike me who everyone is ignorin' despite the fact that I know how to fix the world), they're out to getcha and you know it.  Sooooooo, you book flights, and you don't go on them.  (You got money to burn, and you wouldn't go on them even if they weren't out to getcha, 'cause you can't stand TSA.)

Soooooo, every time a plane goes down that you weren't on but had a flight schedule for, ya go 'NEENER-NEENER. . .YA MISSED ME!  TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME, in the public media.

(This was a conversation I had with my nose-poo this morn', and it became a 'I GOTTA POST THIS!!!!!)
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 26 2011,5:20 am

Just found a Chrismas carol redone. Grandma Got Dismembered By A Chainsaw. Bob Rivers is great. I suppose y'all want the link.

< http://www.google.com/search?....e=utf-8 >

Take yer pick.

(Ah, poo!  The videos got pulled!)


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 06 2012,6:31 am

I found this on whatreallyhappened.com:

Jan
05
16:05
Palin: 'Worst thing'; GOP can do is marginalize Ron Paul supporters
Tags: POLITICS/ELECTIONS/CORRUPTION

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin said Tuesday night that Republicans who would marginalize Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas) are making a big mistake.

Oh my GAWD! Palin actually had a cogent thought! The Mayans are right; it IS the end of the world!!!!!!! :)


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 06 2012,10:32 am

"Yo!  Chutzpah is kinda sorta lak hubris, huh?"

"Uh, basically."

"OK.  Now Ah gotta looks up 'hubris', 'cause I don'' talks Yiddish."

(Just something that occured to me during an 'Igleson Snortworth Moment'.)
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 08 2012,10:17 am

(Hopefully not some sort of repeat):

Corporal Punishment? I Think This Is More Fun Than Swatting A Kid!

Might be more effective, too.

If a crotch dropping goes off at a restaurant, take 'em outside and lock 'em in the trunk for about a minute.  Let 'em out, then tell 'em if they do it again, you're gonna lock 'em in the trunk until you get home. . .provided you REMEMBER that they're even in there.

It's probably legal in some countries.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 09 2012,1:16 am

Guerrilla theatre!  Next time me and Danu go to Kraski, in front of the staff, I will say, "Yo!  Why am I the only one ever downloadin' the pole dancers?"

Danu is gonna then say, "One sexist pig in the household is enough."

I'll then say, "OK." or "Works for me." or somethin'.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 09 2012,9:32 am

OK!  Israel and China harvest organs of those they deem otherwise inconvenient, China eats fetuses and perhaps babies according to heresay, and I think the waste they go through is so wrong.  I mean, for the adults, why not use more of them?  You can make lamp oil, candles, fajita topping, burrito filling, shish-ka-bob pieces, meatloaf, burgers, stew, not to mention the leather.  I swear I've seen some who could make an entire leather pantsuit all by them lonesomes.

Anybody got the e-mail of Hu Jintao or Benny Netenyahu to get the ball rolling?  Then maybe it'll catch on later in less pragmatic countries?
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 14 2012,5:47 am

I did write and perform a song called 'Fajeeta on a Flower Tortila'. Yesterday I went to a roach coach for the first time in forever due to a failure to communicate, and do you know how much willpower it took me to not ask for a tamaye (tamalle) con polo?

In reality, the chick who owns the coach probably would like to see me again. She was very appreciative of the fact I spoke some Spanish (It was actually gramatically accurate for the exchange), not to mention the dollar propina (tip).

But that's unlikely. Food was good, but overpriced.


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 21 2012,12:18 pm

Found this on whatreallyhappened.com, and hit the floor:

Jan
21
08:10
Dear Editor of The Jewish Times: Please re-think your call to assassinate Obama
By: My Catbird Seat
Tags: 911 ASSASSINATION CORPORATE MEDIA COVER-UP/DECEPTIONS/PROPAGANDA CURRENT EVENTS EUROPE MIDDLE EAST POLITICS/ELECTIONS/CORRUPTION PROTESTS/REVOLUTION WAR/DRAFT/VETERAN AFFAIRS WHITE HOUSE

You have an awful lot of chutzpah to call for the assassination of the President of the United States by the Mossad.

Sent to aadler@jewishtimes.com

Dear Andrew Adler,

As the editor of a mainstream Jewish publication, you have an awful lot of chutzpah to call for the assassination of the President of the United States by the Mossad. I hope this email reaches you before the Secret Service does! If by some miracle you remain free on your own recognizance, or can afford the bail, I would love to discuss the pros and cons of a Mossad assassination of Obama on my radio show with you. I have openings next Wednesday and Friday, 4 to 5 pm Eastern.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 25 2012,9:58 am

The ultimate volcano joke.

< http://refreshingnews9.blogspot.com/2012....ew.html >

I wonder if he got arrested for doing this?

Probably not.  Just looked him up.  Porky was actually ON the POLICE COMMISSION.


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 26 2012,3:33 pm

< http://www.rense.com/general95/chooserel.html >

A flowchart on what religion you should choose.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 27 2012,9:13 am

There is a sign up at the library bathroom that says, 'Only One Person At A Time'.  So how's this for guerrilla theatre for YouTube?

You're carryin' a 6 month old food product, look at the sign, read the sign aloud put the kid on the floor, push it into the bathroom, throw a diaper in after it, and say, "Looks like you'll have to change your own dayam diaper this time 'round."  Close the door, and walk away.

That or explain before you go in that it's only 6 months old, and not a person yet, but still a food product since it's not 16 years of age, and take the infernal thing in to change that dayam diaper.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 19 2012,8:27 am

This one's kind of mean, especially since I love his music, but I thought of it, and I just can't keep it to myself:

I am not comforted by the comment of:  "I wouldn't serve you anything I wouldn't eat myself", if that was said to me by Chuck Berry.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 25 2012,12:13 pm

Ya know how I'm always bitchin' about not havin' a nose hair coat?

< http://www.dhgate.com/women-d....3f.html >

Apparently I can get a jacket with a nose hair collar.  Looks nice, but from what kind of nose is this?
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 29 2012,1:52 am

Walmartian compilation to music:
< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghrDIQ-K8mg&feature=share >

It moves too fast, but at least you can stop it. I like the horned ones.


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 02 2012,5:24 pm

Next time a Hayward cop says 'Hi' to me, I'm gonna take a histrionic protective pose, cover my face with my arms, raise one foot off the ground and cross it over my still erect shin, bend over, and yell, "DON'T TAZE ME BRO'!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Do that in Oakland, Frisco, San Jose, maybe even Berekely, you probably will get tazed.  Hayward, he/she might actually laugh.  If it happens, I'll let ya know.


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 02 2012,7:07 pm

Speaking of. . .this is the title of a post on one of the political sites I visit:

Netherlands now has Mobile Euthanasia Units. O' Course the US has them in the form of SWAT/Police Vans...

Now ain't that the truth?


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 04 2012,9:50 am

Thanks Erik, we owe you one:

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/forum/index.php?id=257476 >

This graphic artist did a logo for us unconditionally. This is a trip. It's almost like he read Danu's mind for an Illumisnotti sigil. It came up on Danu's Facebook page one day, and gods, did I bust up when I first saw it. I mean, who'd o' thunk!


Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 05 2012,6:06 pm

DONNER PARTY: THE MUSICAL

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bngXAnDdbc >

I'm sorry. I was in one of my moods and we know the rest. I thought the performance was pretty funny. My kind o' humour.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 13 2012,4:32 pm

A new compliment:  If you were any prettier, you'd be a cat.

Might get you slapped, might get you a date.  I don't know.  Not like I'm on the hunt.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 17 2012,8:47 pm

< http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/forum/index.php?id=257878 >

I can't get over this.  I think this is one of the funniest 'toons I ever saw in my life.  St. Patrick drivin' the snakes outta Erin.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 18 2012,4:42 pm

Politically incorrect way to ask the gender of a crotch droppin'.

"YO! IS IT A VIENNA SAUSAGE OR A CHICKLET?"
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 20 2012,6:57 am

Confessions Of A Zone Case

I meant to type in american kabuki, but kept typing in american bukkake, and wondered why my site wasn't coming up.

I better not make any trips to Japan, huh?
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 20 2012,8:31 am

As you old timers know, Danu and I are members of The Holey Order of the Septum, started a long time ago by the long lost Azothoth.  We are noses, and value nose hairs beyond anythin'.  Nose hair trimmin' is a crime beyond measure.

Anyways, I asked Danu if one of its more valued friends on FaceBook trims his nose hairs, and Danu said it didn't ask.  I asked Danu if it didn't wanna make enemies, and if it had a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policicy, and it said, 'Yes'.

Bill Clinton was good for somethin' after all.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 21 2012,12:48 pm

I just whacked off a little bit of my hair in back on the sides. Now is my shag still a shag, or a mullet or a shullet or a mag?

Danu said, "It's not a shag.  You whacked it off."


Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2012,5:08 pm

It's Been A While Since I Laughed So Hard

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=235636 >

A letter to the state department.
Posted by: Morgan on April 05 2012,5:43 am

Great way to end a date for a hot, high maintenance bimbo chick. Tell her partner, "Remind me that I gotta comb the rats nests outta my armpit hairs when I get home."

If she doesn't want another date with the sausage casing, that is.


Posted by: Morgan on April 16 2012,3:54 pm

IF I WANNA SHAVED PUSSY, I'LL BUY A SPHINX CAT!!!!!!!  (Which is bald, for those who do not know.)

Mine!
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 17 2012,10:11 am

what;s the difference between a cold blooded reptile and Dick Cheney?

one is an honorable creature that has its place in the balance of nature. the other is Dick Cheney.
Posted by: Danu Taliesin on April 22 2012,9:58 pm

:eyemouth: LMFAO! Speaking of Dick Chainsaw, he FINALLY had a heart installed recently. Maybe it will quit on him in disgust! :laugh: :clap2: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on May 05 2012,8:39 am

Ye gods, look at the name I found in the news:

Stewart Nozette

Now why couldn't I have had a killer nose name like that as a surname?  Or Snortland, or Noseworthy, or whatever.
Posted by: Morgan on May 05 2012,11:09 pm

CHICKS VS: SAUSAGE CASINGS



< http://www.cracktwo.com/2012/05/men-vs-women-2-pics.html >

Ya know, after reading this I am soooooooo glad I don't have a gender. It did make me laugh, though. (On the other hand, according to this, I don't care about my plumbing, but if I did have a gender, it would NOT be chick.)
Posted by: Morgan on May 06 2012,6:01 am

Judeo-Christian jokes:


A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he
stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does
she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"



TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.


"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."





SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his
mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at
our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 06 2012,10:13 am

especially liked that last one. :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 08 2012,11:07 am

Next time some brain dead idiot asks me why I don't have crotch droppings, I'll tell 'em it's more cost effective to buy a pork loin at the supermarket.
Posted by: Morgan on May 09 2012,8:01 am

In the name of every deity in the multiverses. Would YOU do this on TV? Off TV? By yourself when you hope nobody is watching?

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJbn7q19WZk >

OK!  I admit it!  It's been a while since I laughed so hard.


Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2012,5:33 am

Fashion statement statement of the year!

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r5kPs2bp08 >
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 13 2012,9:52 am

:laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2012,6:18 pm

Man, I don't know what was wrong with me, but this is a true story.  The other night I had a headache, and I just didn't feel like getting off the futon to get aspirin.  I kept going between sleep and the twilight zone for I don't know how long. . .hours, maybe, and the thought of me eating a yarmulke would make my headache go away just wouldn't leave me.  I kept picturing in dream and mind's eye when almost not quite awake of me folding on in fourths, and scarfing it down.  

After I finally couldn't stand it anymore, I got my aspirin down me, the headache went away, along with my psychotic vision.  After that was another thing that haunted me for a long, long time, but I can't remember what it was.  It was probably just as whacked and stupid.
Posted by: Morgan on May 29 2012,5:11 pm

Watched part of a decapitation video. I sent it to someone else who said it won't download where he is, and I sent back it might be censored. I also wrote: "Quite frankly, I got bored with it and only watched about 1/2 of it, but hey. I'm sorry, but watching some chick try to saw someone's head off with a knife is kind of like watching the grass grow."

Imagine saying that in front of a cop?

By the way, it took place in Mexico.  Opposing drug gangs and all that.  Decapitations are so in vogue these days.


Posted by: Morgan on June 06 2012,3:35 pm

I'm sorry it's in German, but watch it anyway. You'll get the jist.  (Kinder schnitzel)

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6H1VCadPO0 >

Looks like my way of thinking is finally getting around.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!


Posted by: Morgan on July 01 2012,11:32 am

Carol Burnett Show - Star Trek Parody

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-WBKah3uwg >

This floored us.
Posted by: Morgan on July 12 2012,4:02 pm

I run a political blog, and I found something on a chicken vaccine killing the chickens, so I posted the link and put this down as commentary:

This one's for chickens.  The ones they give to people aren't much better.  No, they're not better at all.  The mortality rate of the chickens is higher.
Posted by: Morgan on July 14 2012,5:30 pm

Funniest ad I ever saw in my life:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v....dscreen >
Posted by: Morgan on July 19 2012,7:57 am

A Potential Want Ad For Craigslist:

Must have 6 foot long prehensile tail, IQ of at least 42,368, two foot long nose hair braids, a minimum of 8 nose whiskers on each nostril going out sideways with a minimum of 8 inches in length, ability to flare nostrils at 10 flares per second with stamina to keep it up for 10 minutes, snorfle like a wind tunnel, and will go to the bathroom for me when I don't feel like getting out of bed. Gender optional, though those without one will be given preference. And if you have a red nose hair coat in the closet all ready to be given to me to top it all off, I'm yours for life.

Now should I copy/paste that there?


Posted by: Danu Taliesin on July 29 2012,8:22 pm

:eyemouth: Name Yer Poison?! :eyemouth:

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

:clap2: :headbang: :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 16 2012,10:08 am

This video is HILARIOUS, and so what if it's in German.

< http://www.snotr.com/video/8965 >

I'd love to know how people came to the conclusion Krauts have no sense of humour.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 17 2012,7:38 pm

OK! I have a problem here. I'm a multitude of religions. I'm a Nondenominational Pagan/Neo-Cathar/Pastafarian/member of The Holey Order of the Septum/and member of The Church of Euthanasia. Being a Pastafarian, can I still eat pasta, or does that make me a cannibal or something? And I also assume that once The Flying Spaghetti Monster touches you with its noodley appendage, it is instant rapture; so why aren't there more of us? Not that I ever met it here, but in the land of dreams. . .

Oh, and one more thing to contemplate. It is theorised that everything that can be imagined exists somewhere. So somewhere, there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster? Wonder what it's name is? Could it be, Fred, or Slurp, or what?

Add on edit:

< http://www.google.com/search?....e=utf-8 >

Yes, Pastafarians can eat spaghetti like Raspy Tongue people eat communion wafers, and they say it's symbolic cannibalism.

That is sooooooo wrong, ya know?

Hey wait a minute!  Who is the biggest promoter of can. . .oh, never mind.


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 19 2012,10:46 am

E-mailed to me this morning:

I didn't know that photons had mass. I didn't even know they were Catholic!
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2012,7:20 am

< http://media1.break.com/dnet....mb.jpeg >

No, I'm not gonna tell ya.  You're gonna 'ave to click da link.

(Heh-heh-heh)
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 28 2012,2:42 pm

Priest Off

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpuYoK6wv_Y&feature=player_embedded >

This one made me laugh.  Too bad it's not real.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 07 2012,8:42 pm

Dave Allen's thoughts about Adam and Eve

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGASvVqzOa0&feature=related >

Hilarious nose joke in here.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 12 2012,8:54 am

What Confucius did not say:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=256096 >
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 12 2012,12:10 pm

Religions of the world Extended version...

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=256117 >

Ya know, after reading this; I CAN'T ARGUE!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 17 2012,2:26 pm

Eldridge Cleaver goes where no man has gone before, and no man will ever go again in fashion design:

< http://undercoverblackman.blogspot.de/2007....ry.html >

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 22 2012,5:29 pm

< http://dailybail.com/home....er.html >

Full moon for wall street.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 23 2012,4:04 pm

< http://dailybail.com/home/must-see-please-move-the-deer-crossing.html >

Just how stupid can we get?
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 31 2012,2:22 pm

Ya know how ya sometimes just don't see what's there? Word transposition and stuff? I just came home from a walk, and read a sign wrong. No loitering or trespassing. Prosecutors will be violated.

Boy, to have that made and see how many people catch it.


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 10 2012,8:51 am

Bed bug man, bed bug man, he does everything a bed bug can.

Oh, the things I come up with!  For those unfamiliar, check out the Spiderman theme.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 11 2012,10:12 am

Danu and moi were discussing how Patraeus really quit so he wouldn't have to testify against Obama, and Danu commented that adultry was no reason to fire anyone.  I agreed, and said, "Yeah.  Everybody does it.  even me, since the other day I petted the nose of Jos at Grocery Outlet."
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 11 2012,12:56 pm

Man, having a potted garden hurts some times.  There's only so much room, so I gotta uproot all the baby daturas and castors, and they're such beautiful plants, and they never did anything to hurt anyone.  Well, not unless someone went out of there way, but not on their own.  Sometimes I wish I could get into something easier on my conscience than gardening. . .like maybe abortionist?
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 19 2012,10:13 am

Someone on one of my political forums admitted to pulling a prank in 1999 for a New Year's party.  At midnight, he shut off the circuit breakers, walked out, and went home.  He said everybody totally freaked.  It would have been fun to be in on that.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 20 2012,2:50 pm

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=260744 >

A guerrilla theatre incident at a Food Lion, allegedly.  Would I do something like this?  H-E-L-L YEAH!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 20 2012,3:59 pm

Gotta love that UK humour!

< http://www.societyofcunts.co.uk/home >


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 25 2012,11:44 am

Perhaps my most obnoxious blog post ever:

Is This Crotch Dropping Dead Enough For You?

< http://www.presstv.com/usdetail/274169.html >

I may not think they should exist, but if they do; I really don't think they should be droned.  Fried, baked, rotisseried, boiled, broiled, sauteed or grilled maybe, but not droned.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 26 2012,6:00 pm

Fun with the English language:

< http://fellowshipofminds.wordpress.com/2012/11/26/whats-an-ignoranus/ >
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 27 2012,6:30 pm

My buddy Vickie, the assistant manager and handyman of our complex commented on having to give some crotch dropping clothes away.  She knows I can't stand crotch droppings, but just to be a smartarse, she asked me if I wanted those clothes.

I told her I don't dress my rotisseries that way.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 13 2012,7:14 am

News Anchor Bloopers:

< http://12160.info/video/news-anchor-fail-compilation-2012-pc >

Pretty funny.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 19 2012,10:39 am

Fun with a Trader Joe's clerk. I zoned it on something and said I wasn't paying attention to anything right now. He said he'd do that for me. So of course I had to ask, "Can you go to the bathroom for me too?" followed by a "And while your at it, how about goin' on the rag for me?"

The bathroom part got a laugh, the on the rag part got a 'no response'. I guess that's not a good question to ask a sausage casing.


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 21 2012,6:28 pm

I dunno where I come up with this shite, but wouldn't it be fun to work in a place called the 'Tongue Tallow Cafe'?
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 25 2012,1:23 pm

OK.  We got a bedbug infestation when I invited a homeless buddy to crash on the floor.  They only bit me, never Danu.  We figured it's because they have an agenda.  I'm the only one who goes out of my way to kill them.  So they only go after the genocidal bedbug killer.  They got a name, they got a number, and they got their sites on me.

Because of this, Danu said they are quite ethical creatures and perhaps we should replace the bankers with bedbugs.

I agreed.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 06 2013,6:20 am

I found there is a pastry called 'Concha' when my mind was in the gutter.  I just had to shake my head.

Fer those clueless on Spanish, it could mean 'twat', in addition to 'shell'.

It didn't look to appetising to me. Then again with all the vile ingredients they put in the junk food these day, I don't buy commercial pastries anymore.


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 23 2013,2:49 pm

Ya know how sometimes when someone asks for ye're phone number ya sometimes forget for a few, and have to think about it? I wonder if it's not a better idea to say, "I have no idea, ya know? I mean I never call myself. If I wanna talk to myself, I don't use the goddamn phone!"


Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 27 2013,6:41 pm

Imagine tellin' this to a young crotch droppin'.

"I will never hit you.  I may pull the plug whilst you're in the tub and watch you go down the drain, I may throw you in the microwave and have you for dinner, I may flush you down the toilet, I may vacuum you up, I may sell you at the butcher shop, I may take you down to the pet shop and trade you in for a gerbil, I may ship you UPS 3 day delivery to a Pakistani carpet factory, but I will never hit you; so don't worry about it."
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 06 2013,8:12 am

A new musical concept:

THE GARGLESHOP QUARTET!
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 23 2013,12:26 pm

What to do it fema agent comes to door?

How's aboot spray 'em in the face with fire extinguisher, grab yer pick axe real quick, whack 'em in the noogies just to be mean, whack 'em in the head, then find out if you still like liver and onions?
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 24 2013,1:02 pm

Danu and I were jokin' around and somehow we got to the concept of this mixed drink.  Vodka and garlic juice.  I don't drink, so I'll pass. . .but if anybody is enough of a nutter to try this out, tell us about it.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 28 2013,3:47 pm

OK.  This is a link to an actual news story, but I think it's HILARIOUS!

TSA agent 'plays around' with pepper spray, shoots other screeners

< http://now.msn.com/chris-yves-dabel-tsa-agent-pepper-sprays-co-workers >
Posted by: Morgan on April 01 2013,12:01 pm

Picture of a topless woman.

< http://whatreallyhappened.com/IMAGES/toplesswoman.jpg >
Posted by: HOLDEN on April 02 2013,12:42 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on April 21 2013,3:33 pm

If someone asks ya if ya gots any guns, ask back, "Would a flame thrower be considered a firearm?"
Posted by: Morgan on April 23 2013,11:50 am

Que pasta, amino?
Posted by: Morgan on May 23 2013,9:49 am

Danu came across a great T-shirt.  "4 out of 3 people have trouble with math."

****************

If I had the bucks, I'd get this bumper sticker made:

'BABY SACRIFICING SATANIST CANNIBAL ON BOARD'
Posted by: Morgan on May 31 2013,7:26 pm

< http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100101203037AA5IzEZ >

On combing nose hair. Check out the comments.

Oh, and this pic. . .I can barely control myself.

< http://jenilynj.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/long-nose-hair.jpg >

Oh man, if only I could have nose hairs like that!


Posted by: Morgan on June 09 2013,12:30 pm

FLARING NOSTRILS

< https://www.google.com/search?....ostrils >

Take your pick, and enjoy.  Surprised it took me this long to think of googling this.
Posted by: Morgan on June 09 2013,2:42 pm

Something to stage in public, provided public looks like they're at least 50 years of age.  Have a heated discussion on whether Andorians are related to Smurfs.

< https://www.google.com/search?....bih=493 >

I can see Gene Roddenberry turning over in his grave already.
Posted by: Morgan on June 11 2013,8:30 am

Middle East has a great salad. Tabouli. Mexico has a great salad. Beak of rooster. Pico de gallo, really. Anyway we love to play with words, so we now call pico de gallo, 'tabouli la raza', messing with tabula rasa.

Yes, I know it makes no sense, but that's not the point.


Posted by: Morgan on June 24 2013,1:06 pm

Something to ask at random to get a reaction out of people.

'IF THERE ARE PICKLED HERRINGS, WHY ARE THERE NO HERRINGED PICKLES?'
Posted by: Morgan on July 03 2013,6:15 am

Bought tons of Ruby Kist veg juice. (V8 is GMO, and tastes like crap compared to Ruby Kist, anyway. I only buy Ruby Kist veg juice from Grocery Outlet, and nothing else from them because that stuff is just so dayam good despite the fact I should be boycotting the company completely since they paid money to prevent GMO labelling.) The brats 2 doors down are still as disruptive as feck, so I thought it would be hilarious to wait for Danu to come home whilst I'm holding a cup and if those arseholes were screamin' and runnin' back and forth, Danu would ask "So, who's in the cup today?" And I'd say, "Sally Williams. She was just too noisy and disruptive, so I juiced her. Pretty good. There's more in the fridge. Want some?"

But the opportunity probably won't happen. Oh well, it's an idea.


Posted by: Morgan on July 12 2013,8:06 am

This is a thread of jokes that I thought were pretty funny:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=282153 >

Get the rest of the thread via the links below.
Posted by: Morgan on July 13 2013,8:28 am

Somebody played a joke, and it made the news.  Gods!

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=L1JYHNX8pdo >

It's funny as feck, though.  They apologised later.
Posted by: Morgan on July 27 2013,5:27 pm

If we had a dog as philosophical as Robert, the cat I am holding in my avatar, we'd have to call it 'Barkus Aurelius'.

(If there is someone on this forum who does not know, it is a reference to Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher king.  One of the handful of cool monarchs the Roman Empire had.)


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 12 2013,9:39 am

How could cannibalism NOT have been a problem during the Cultural Revolution with a leader named Mao Tse Tongue?
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 08 2013,3:42 pm

I'm putting this here so as to not incriminate myself.  

Speciesism at its finest:

I have been calling twat plug perches, twat plug perches and thanked Danu for being a nose perch as opposed to a twat plug perch; for that is a loftier state of being, and Danu says, "Yes that is a higher calling.  A nose perch to a twat plug perch is like what is a Brahman to a Dalit."
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 26 2013,8:33 am

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=288086 >

Blonde mortician joke.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2013,8:58 pm

Unfortunately, I don't think it's real:

< http://www.google.com/imgres?....rl=http >

If it is, I'm jealous. My longest ones are only 5 inches.

Then I find this:

< http://www.google.com/imgres?....rl=http >

MAN, COULDN'T MY INCUBATOR HAVE PICKED A BETTER SPERM DONOR???????!!!! :bash:


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 09 2013,8:06 pm

Now that I saw this on video, I couldn't stop laughing.  A 'Carrie' stunt is pulled at a cafe.

< http://www.theguardian.com/world....e-video >

Gods, but if I'd been there I have no clue how I'd have reacted. I probably would have run from the place twice the speed of light or something.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 29 2013,9:55 am

< http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs....31.html >

Oh, how stupid we've gotten.  Last I checked, Hong Kong was in Asia, NOT South America.  Did they move it, and no one told me?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 29 2013,1:56 pm

I honestly don't know whether to laugh or scream.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 01 2013,7:41 am

TALES OF REVENGE FOR THOSE WHO DESERVED IT!

< http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs....ng.html >

Read the comments.  You're gonna be here a while and laugh your arse off in the process!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 02 2013,10:19 am

< http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessica....us-ever >

The funniest map of the u.s. I ever saw!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 11 2013,10:48 am

< http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news....er.html >

Funny answers to questions.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 11 2013,2:38 pm

Some of those would make perfectly acceptable riddles. :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 14 2013,1:38 pm

This is stupid, but I'm gonna post it anyway.

What do ya call a mixture of black beans, rice, chicken, onions, tomatoes, black olives, salsa, garlic and cilantro?  Burrito entrails.

(Don't ask.  I dunno.)
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 14 2013,3:07 pm

(Groan)
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 25 2013,4:50 pm

HOLEY SPHINCTER, BATMAN!

< http://tanyahall.com/wp-cont....rc=http >

I'm glad I gave up eating there more than 15 years ago.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 26 2013,12:22 pm

< http://whatreallyhappened.com/node/284560 >

Ye gods, that picture cracked me up!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 28 2013,8:53 am

Imagine being sued for a nose hair coat!
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 22 2013,8:45 pm

When I was a wee food product of around 7 or so, I have been known to tie a towel around my neck, run around, and pretend I was Superman.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 28 2013,10:36 am

What NOT to do at a golf course:

< http://www.connectingsingles.com/forum_0....ama.htm >
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 10 2014,7:35 pm

Flashback.  I remember someone saying about me, "I don't know what bathroom it uses, but it sure can cut the rug."  I used to look real androgynous, and yes I could really wow 'em on the dance floor, mixing modern, ballet, step dancing, head banging, regular rocking out to the max like David Lee Roth in his glory days, and a wee bit of Javanese.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 26 2014,5:01 am

Japanese nose joke in a commercial:

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCjxzpSrFP4 >

You didn't expect me to ignore this, did you?
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 01 2014,1:02 pm

Blog conversation edited:

Me:

'I think one of the vilest things in existence you can do is breed when you can't even take care of yourself.'

Them:

Your definately on a roll my friend. People in many parts of the world are poorly educated and consider the only way to survive is through 'breeding'

(That's a great way to defend your view, huh? Promoting the ignorance of the poorly educated?)

Me:

And uh. . .oh, I just can't resist. . "'THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE IS THROUGH BREEDING!'" she said as she died in childbirth.

(No I'm not nice. Sometimes nice and having more than half a brain cell do not mix, but did I prove my point?) :eyemouth:


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 03 2014,8:17 pm

If ever financially viabl again, I ought to get this bumper sticker made:

IF THEY KILL YOU, YOU WIN!
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 06 2014,1:59 pm

< http://www.zengardner.com/planting-cats/ >

How to plant cats.  The ones that live with me plant themselves.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 15 2014,11:03 am

I'm not a witch but a Pagan, though I do my rituals, and a lot of times my favours are granted if I ask for the right reason.  (I did one for our complex owner, though I should have asked him first so he wins an arbitration.  I'm sure he would have said yes, but. . .  I'll find out soon enough.)

Anyway, if someone does do something stupid like ask me if I'm a good witch or a bad witch, me thinks I'll reply, "Depends on if I like you or not."
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 26 2014,11:16 am

Something to stager in front of your crotch droppings for the sake of guerrilla theatre:

Question:  If you could go back in time, would you still have kids?

Answer:  Yes, but different ones.
Posted by: Morgan on May 03 2014,12:09 pm

If I had positive cash flow, I'd get a T-shirt made.

Front:  ENLIL FOR PRESIDENT
Back:  DO A BETTER JOB NEXT TIME

And nobody would understand it.  And if anyone did understand it, they'd have a friend for life.
Posted by: HOLDEN on May 04 2014,12:45 pm

Quien diablos es Enlil??
Posted by: Morgan on May 06 2014,5:09 am

Sumerian.  There is a theory Jehovah was based on him.  The alleged causer of the flood.  They call him a god (Brother of Enki, who was the 'good guy' that loves humanity.), but devil is a more appropriate analogy, me thinks.  They are Annunaki.

I saw a video that said Enki helped create man through genetic manipulation, and Enlil thought the end result was an abomination.   People should never have been created.  And ya know, when I see what we've done with this planet, I am inclined to agree.

We should find out soon enough, huh?  After we get to the Otherside and get our Akashic Library Cards.
Posted by: Morgan on May 08 2014,10:16 am

< https://www.google.com/search?....bih=500 >

OK!  You tell me!  Is Miley Cyrus related to Bill the Cat, or not?  Apparently I'm not the only one with that suspicion.   (I was joking about this for some time, and you have no idea how hard I laughed when I found this.)
Posted by: Morgan on May 31 2014,10:13 am

Boy, can you imagine the viewership if this method of execution was real?

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfsMMVgIToA >

Though with the guillotine already here, a head ripping off machine would be stupid considering the budgetary concerns the state governments have today.

Man, how much darker can humour get than this?  It gives me a run for my money.


Posted by: Morgan on June 09 2014,10:05 am

T-shirt concept:

Front:

NEVER USE A FLAME THROWER AGAINST THE WIND!

Back:

DON'T ASK!
Posted by: Samaelz on June 10 2014,10:32 am

Ha hagh Morgan! I'm telling my mother on you! That was funny. :laugh:  This is like MAD magazings SPY vs. SPY I love it!


Posted by: Morgan on June 20 2014,6:33 am

I actually told this to my boss:

What Is More Politically Incorrect?
To refer to a studmuffin as a sausage casing, or a sausage perch?

WELL IT'S NOT AS BAD AS TWAT PLUG, EH?

Or if 'es gay. . .

He laughed.  When I repeated it to another member of staff when he came in on the last two lines, he said, "Thanks for coming in today to  work, Morgan."

At least I work in a place I won't get fired for saying stuff like that.
Posted by: Morgan on June 23 2014,12:21 pm

T-shirt concept:

Front:  Flying Cargo

Back:  If it's good enough for a cat, it's good enough for a two year old!
Posted by: Morgan on June 26 2014,6:20 pm

Babycakes:

< http://www.parentsociety.com/pregnan....owtier2 >

Can you imagine the reaction of people if they weren't expecting this when the cover was lifted off the cake platter?  Gods, I'd die to see that.  Man, if I had the bucks I'd print every one of these up and put 'em all over the walls.  #14 would go on the fridge.
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 27 2014,4:15 pm

:clap2:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 12 2014,5:14 pm

There's a nostril who's sure
All that glitters is snot,
And it's buying a stairway to septum. . .

If I do the whole song, put it down on CD and put it on-line, think someone will put out a contract on me?
Posted by: Morgan on July 16 2014,7:45 am

Found this on Rumourmill News:

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, What are all those clocks?

St. Peter answered, Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.

Oh, said the man. Whose clock is that?

Thats Mother Teresas, replied St. Peter.

The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

Incredible, said the man.

And whose clock is that one?

St. Peter responded, Thats Abraham Lincolns clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.

Wheres Obamas clock? asked the man.

Obamas clock is in Jesus office. Hes using it as a ceiling fan!
Posted by: Morgan on July 17 2014,6:59 pm

Another joke, same source:

Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls.

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. Weve all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the Balls to say: Youre next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.
Posted by: Morgan on July 30 2014,7:09 pm

Just a concept, not that I'm gonna do it. . .I don't think. I did apply for a job, and am allegedly 'under review' though if my status doesn't change by next Friday, I don't think so.

Anyway, they do a drug test. I think it would be so hilarious if I say, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TEST FOR ACONITE, CONIINE, ATROPINE, HYOCYAMINE, SCOPOLOMINE, OR ANY CLAVICEPS, I'M FINE; HUH?

Nah, I don't think I'll say that. If they don't now, they might start.

(For those who don't know, coniine's in hemlock, the next three are in thornapples aka datura along with other nightshades, and claviceps include ergot.  All the stuff ya find in some witchs' gardens)


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 17 2014,11:27 am

A prank for a chick to pull, though it would be even funnier if a sausage casing did it:

At a dinner party, just start clucking, then after about a minute and a half stop, and say, "Excuse me, but I just laid an egg; and if you know chickens, you know the rest."
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 21 2014,9:22 am

If you're a chick, something to tell a sausage casing who is trying to pick you up when you don't want to be picked up:

"IF YOU'RE NOT BATTERY OPERATED AND CAN'T BE TURNED OFF AND PUT INTO A DRAWER WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!"


Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 22 2014,4:44 pm

A sausage casing needs a doctor's note to prove he's still alive:

< http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news....ve.html >

It is surreal as H-e-l-l, but shite like this happens periodically.  It's like someone needs to be slapped with a 2 by 4 or something.  DOES THAT FEEL LIKE I'M DEAD TO YOU?  OR IF I AM DEAD, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CHARGE ME FOR WHAT I JUST DID, HUH?
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 22 2014,8:09 pm

This actually happened at work today. A super comes in and says "You will work with these ladies and gentleman." I look around, and note there were no chicks on the floor, being I am a nose, so I correct her.

"EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE me, that's nose and sausage casings."

She says, "I don't understand what you're saying."

I say, "SAUSAGE CASINGS. YOU KNOW! STUDMUFFINS! TWAT PLUG PERCHES!"

"I still don't know what you're saying." She looks around at her mostly Filipino crew. "Do you?"

They all shake their heads. No. The only honky-gringo-cracker dude knew better than to say anything, so I said, "And the one who may understand probably wishes I would SHUT UP."

Then I explained I'm not sexist.  I'm speciesist.

I gotta tell my bosses what happened. No, they won't fire me. They'll probably fall to the floor laughing, and I am one of their number one production runners.


Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 30 2014,4:13 pm

Link to Scottish insults:

< http://allcomposed.com/a-z-of-scottish-insults/ >

One not on the list is 'mammy camel blower', which will get censored ifn I try to translate. OK, I'll translate to another version in Scots. Mither fecker.

Whilst I'm at it, I might as well add Irish insults:

< http://www.irishslang.info/browse-all-slang/swearing-insulting.html >

Ah, those Celts ur sae coloorful .


Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 01 2014,3:34 pm

I didn't notice any Irish GAELIC insults. There's "pogue mahone" which means kiss my a s s.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 01 2014,4:12 pm

I'll remember that one.  LOL!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 03 2014,8:20 pm

Hope I didn't post this already, but I don't feel like backtracking to find out if I did.

TSA~~~Tilex Snorters Anonymous
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 05 2014,8:05 am

Something I wish I'd asked my English teacher.

IF WE'RE COMPELLED TO DO SOMETHING, IS THAT A COMPILATION?

Something I wish I'd asked my science teacher.

IF I WERE STANDING ON THE POLAR AXIS, WOULD I GET DIZZY AND PUKE FROM THE EARTH'S ROTATION?

Silly, I know. But I'm sure it would have disrupted the class for a minute or two. I periodically disrupt production at work with some of the stuff I say. Sometimes some people don't get over it for like 5 to 10 minutes.

Or what would be even funnier if they said with a straight face, "As a matter of fact, yes," and just resumed with the lesson, explaining after they were done that they were kidding.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 10 2014,4:14 pm

YE GODS, I'M GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES FOR YEARS AFTER SEEING THIS!!!!!!!!!

< http://www.google.com/imgres?....ndsp=12 >
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 11 2014,12:45 pm

Where'd you find that?  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 11 2014,6:33 pm

I keyed in 'people without noses'.  And you made me admit that bit of 'Holey Order of the Septum' sacrilege on a public forum, huh?

(Thank you Azothoth for coming up with that, where ever you are!)
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 17 2014,5:48 pm

Imagine going to a bar, walking up to someone and enthusiastically blurting out, "HEY!  YA WANNA BE MY NOSE TOY?????!!!!!!"

Man, I don't go to bars anymore, and I've already got the ultimate nose toy, but can y'all imagine the reaction?
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 18 2014,6:33 am

Have ya ever like gone doo-doo, then found you had to hock a loogie right after, and you did. . .sorta?  And it just won't let go of you after it hits the water?  Oh, what to do?!

Has this ever happened to me?  Not that I can remember, but I figure it would make a great topic for the dinner table.

Gods, I am soooooo juvenile some times, huh?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 18 2014,3:28 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 04 2014,7:21 am

< http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2014/11/04 >

This is a GOTTA POST Non Sequitur strip.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 09 2014,8:35 am

< http://www.dilbert.com/2014-11-09/ >

I just can't resist those cannibal jokes, in 'toons, or otherwise.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Nov. 09 2014,4:52 pm

Brilliant cartoon! :clap2:  I bet your favorite food movie is Night of the Living Dead, eh, Morgan?  :laugh:  Now, on an entirely serious note, I have a question for you Morgan (and maybe this more appropriately belongs in the Eat, Drink and be Merry thread)...have you ever tried placenta? I ask because some people (especially couples after a home birth) cook and eat the placenta rather than throw it away.
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 10 2014,2:12 am

NO!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry, but I really think placenta is gross. I'm as likely to eat that as to eat blood pudding or kidney again. Then again, I haven't even eaten any animal flesh in over 2 months, though I still won't call myself a vegetarian. I'm open to tandoori chicken, or if I go to a Mexican restaurant in the future. . .   I also can't STAND crotch droppings (unless properly cooked and seasoned. . .in theory of course), so I so NOT have any.  

Boy can ya imagine.  "YO!  YOU'RE PREGGERS!  CAN I HAVE YOUR PLACENTA AFTER YE'RE DONE USIN' IT SO I CAN HAVE IT FOR DINNER?!"  Imagine yellin' that 'cross da dinner table at an intimate restaurant to someone at the next table.

Night of the Living Dead hit me pretty hard from the political ending. I liked it, though it's not my favourite movie. I'd be hard pressed to tell anyone what my favourite movie is. I don't watch too many of them. (Surprised you didn't guess Soylent Green, but I got a kick out of it the time I saw it. That was a long time ago, but I probably won't watch it again.)


Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 10 2014,7:14 pm

< http://dunzo.net/c-creepiest-walmart/ >

More Walmartians.  Loved the SILF (As opposed to MILF) T-shirt, and the 'S' stands for sheep, if you don't get there.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 25 2014,8:52 am

I about fell out of my chair when I read the ending of this joke:

"I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!' 'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?' He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?' He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?' He said, 'Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?' He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!' I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off." -- Emo Phillips
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 01 2015,12:19 pm

"And I know that it must be the Aztec in you
That brings out the heart in me."

My apologies to Foreigner. NOT!

Heh-heh-heh. If I do redo the whole song, I'll call it, "IT FEELS LIKE THE LAST TIME".

(I HATED the song, by the way. Still do.  Foreigner seems to have either killer songs, or total crap, and nothing in between.)


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 04 2015,7:49 am

This ain't 'DARK' humour, but not only is it funny, it sounds good.  And one chick has one H-e-l-l of a nose.  That would be the cellist.  Me thinks the piano player won.

Competitive Foursome Salut Salon

< http://www.zengardner.com/competitive-foursome-salut-salon/ >
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 04 2015,2:25 pm

:clap2:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 12 2015,3:39 pm

If ever I go to an Italian restaurant again, I wonder if I should ask for 'POT STICKERS WITHOUT PAPERS'?


Hey, pot stickers are Chinese ravioli, ain't they?]


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 17 2015,4:17 pm

Dayam!  I was born too late.

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhxbFMQ1gWk#t=49 >

Another video that proves selective genocide IS A GOOD THING!
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 18 2015,7:45 am

< http://fashionbat.com/here-ar....rything >


Check out number #2. The nose ring. I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I like this one better:

< http://zheng3.com/files/images/baubles/nose_ring_stainless.jpg >


Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 18 2015,3:59 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 18 2015,7:17 pm

< http://www.swifty.com/lifesty....13 >

Crotch droppin's fer sale.  Ahhh, the good ol' days.  Don't think you can do this any more.

Actually, the tale isn't a very happy one; but I did think this was a funny picture.


Check out the other pics on the site by hittin' the 'previous' or 'next' below the pic. First one of the series is a hippo pullin' a cart.


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 19 2015,9:15 am

The latest 'Isis killing'.

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJAIcwJHCyE#t=79 >

I think this about explains it.  Check out some more of the videos on the page.   Pretty funny.


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 20 2015,10:51 am

A daesh joke:

< http://refreshingnews99.blogspot.in/2015....ld.html >

Calipornian translated to Texanese:

< http://refreshingnews99.blogspot.in/2015....on.html >
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 25 2015,8:01 am

I commented on how I clean the floor.  In my 'Iglesonian' southern accent, I say.  "I do a pretty good job.  After all, I GET DOWN ON MY HANDS AND KNEES!!!"

Danu, al a his 'Steve A. Dore' character goes, "I don't turn it into such a religious experience."
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 27 2015,1:20 pm

Only in Japan.  Synchronised walking:

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7cQtbMtODk#t=158 >

I'm impressed.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 02 2015,9:17 am

Saw a sign on one of my sites:

BEING CREMATED IS MY LAST HOPE FOR HAVING A SMOKING HOT BODY.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 02 2015,12:31 pm

:laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:  :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 04 2015,6:36 pm

I hope this ain't a repost, but even if it is, I guess it's worth another viewing.  BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.

< http://www.brainjet.com/random....16 >
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 08 2015,8:30 am

Here comes Vlad to save the day:

< https://twitter.com/MoscowTimes/status/572725096370065408/photo/1 >

I wonder if this was photoshopped?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Mar. 08 2015,4:43 pm

Ouch. PHUK that guy! Funny all the same. :laugh:  :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 15 2015,7:11 am

< http://www.talkbass.com/threads....2 >

There's noses, and then there's NOSES!

Don't get tooooo excited now.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 22 2015,11:45 am

< http://refreshingnews99.blogspot.in/2015....ve.html >

Court rooms are not always boring.
Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2015,8:57 am

A great but illegal thing to do with unwanted crotch droppings. . .second only to using them as fajita topping.

< http://dailysanctuary.com/a-rare-photos-from-the-past/8/ >

Yes, I had to laugh!

Since when did I claim to be nice? I'm an Arsehole to the 33rd Degree, dammit! :eyemouth:

You may also want to check out the rest of the pics. Pretty interesting.


Posted by: Morgan on April 04 2015,10:19 am

< http://www.destinationtips.com/destina....13 >

I never knew Japan was such a nose culture.  Though I'd have a hard time there, I must admit.  Culture clash issues.  Makes me realise how lazy I am in so many regards.  It would be inconvenient to adapt, despite the fact everything makes so much sense.
Posted by: Morgan on April 09 2015,6:44 pm

Someone on one of my political sites wrote something like:  I would sooner clean the toilets of Grand Central Station with my tongue than vote for Rand Paul.

Ya know, I feel that way about all the front runners.  Gods, why bother voting?  It's all rigged anyway.  That comment did bust me up, though. It was on whatreallyhappened.com, though I don't remember if it was the main page or the members page
Posted by: Morgan on May 05 2015,2:44 pm

No clue on who wrote it, but it's verrrry 'WESTGATE'.

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, Are you OK? Im so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, I didnt realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.

The driver replied, No, no, Im the one who is sorry, its entirely my fault.

Today is my very first day driving a cab.

Ive been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Posted by: Morgan on May 06 2015,2:06 pm

Theoretical bumper sticker:

MY OTHER DOG IS A DIRE WOLF


Posted by: Morgan on May 13 2015,7:51 am

Theoretical conversation.

After saying something obnoxious of the right sort, asking if my misanthropy is showing, and after they answer, asking if it makes me look fat.  (Of course I am fat, so if they give the wrong answer, they might get threatened with a nose lick.)
Posted by: Morgan on May 21 2015,8:23 pm

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unXKYK0uRJ8 >

I've done it all, and more.  I was hoping to find something new, but nooooooo.  I have many a time licked my plate, sometimes with loud slurps, and once I had some of my soup a la cat style.  The chick who was with me laughed so hard, she burnt herself with the soup which she spilt in her lap.

This was at a quiet Japanese restaurant where the waitresses were dressed like Geishas.  Yes, I  tipped high.

Too bad the place closed.  In fact now, the building is gone.

Gods, how can anybody stand saki?  Deanna gave me a taste of her saki sauce, and I thought it was vile.  Then again, me and booze do NOT get along.
Posted by: Morgan on June 05 2015,2:59 pm

That Sepp Blatter FIFA dude. . .I wonder if anyone called 'im 'Step Ladder' when 'e was younger. Gods, what a name!

'Bout as bad as Ida Ho, huh? (Wonder if Don had any crotch droppings? I'll look it up. Yes. 8. Masochistic wives. First one had 6.)

I looked up the Sepp Blatter question too.

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAgS0c4rZBo >

So they're still callin' 'im tha'.

On the other hand, his real first name is 'Joseph', but still. . .  He's Swiss.  His nickname doesn't translate well.


Posted by: Morgan on June 06 2015,9:47 am

Next time I introduce myself, I think I'll say, "I was raised by pigeons, live with cats, and wanna be a snake when I grow up.  Can you imagine my table manners?"
Posted by: HOLDEN on June 06 2015,2:20 pm

A nose who wants to be a snake when she grows up. Hmmm, okay.  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on June 06 2015,4:26 pm

IT!!!!!!!!!

Noses do NOT have genders!


Posted by: HOLDEN on June 07 2015,3:46 pm

I stand correctipated.   :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on June 08 2015,5:38 am

Me and Snorfles (my god and my nose) forgive you.

Well, technically I'm a nose perch; but being Snorfles takes up 90 odd percent of my body weight. . .


Posted by: Morgan on June 09 2015,6:12 pm

OMG!!!!!!!!!!  I HAD TO LOOK IT UP, AND IT'S REAL!

< http://www.zabasearch.com/people/ida+ho/ >

THERE ARE SEVERAL IDA HO'S IN THE U.S.!!!!!!
Posted by: Morgan on June 12 2015,7:37 pm

< http://www.zengardner.com/47706/ >

Hope I didn't post this yet.  It tells like a Navy joke, but it actually happened.  I'm not gonna tell you about it, so I don't  give away the punch line.  I have seen this before, so I hope I didn't post it before, but I suppose if it's way back there it won't matter for the newcomers so much.
Posted by: Morgan on June 27 2015,8:08 am

< http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/06/27 >

Reaper 'toon.  Oh, how true!
Posted by: Morgan on June 27 2015,1:31 pm

Oh, ye gods; how ironic can we get???????

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

< http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/06/27/lightning_rod/ >

The ultimate 'lightning rod' joke.

This is one to pass around!


Posted by: Morgan on June 28 2015,5:59 pm

ON THE TWELTH DAY OF MITHRAMAS MY NOSE-POO GAVE TO ME:

12 plumbers plumbin,'
11 snipers snipin,'
10 fjords a'seepin,
9 kadies prancin,'
8 shades a'bilkin,
7 prawns a'skimmin,'
6 meese a'frayin,'
5 olden blings,
4 falling turds,
3 drenched fens,
2 myrtle gloves,
And aloe for a skinned knee.

(Yes it's mine. Canna ye tell?)


Posted by: HOLDEN on June 28 2015,8:31 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 09 2015,1:27 pm

We sent our beloved Chris Korda (of The Church of Euthanasia) our SNOT CD, and he said it reminded him of the Church of Sub Genius. It was very sweet of him/her/it to listen to it and actually e-mail me back. We didn't know why, but we just found out:

< https://www.google.com/search?...._rd=ssl >

Gods, and we've occasionally joked about the third nostril. Didn't know this nose thing has been around so long.

There's even a movie:

< https://www.google.com/search?...._rd=ssl >

Add on.  And don't knowck the concept of a third nostril.  Sometimes there's even a fourth:

< http://dailysanctuary.com/r-medic....al_cond >


Posted by: Morgan on July 17 2015,11:19 am

I posted this on my blog:

< http://investmentwatchblog.com/a-mom-r....ler-son >

With the commentary of "Well, this chick had her priorities right."

I told Danu about it, and added; "Maybe they should have kept him in a little longer to cook, and have him for dinner.  I mean they do that over there, don't they?"

To which Danu replied, "Well maybe, considering the have The Penis Emporium," commenting on some of their esoteric dietary habits.

I then ask, "Am I bad?"

Danu responds,  "Yes.  PLEASE DON'T CHANGE!!!!!!!"
Posted by: Morgan on July 25 2015,8:07 pm

A buddy e-mailed me this:

Facebook for the senior generation:
For those of my generation who do not comprehend or even care why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same
principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby
what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night
before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking
things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of
landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and  everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell
them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me:
two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
Posted by: HOLDEN on July 26 2015,3:37 pm

:laugh:  :clap2:  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on July 31 2015,6:45 am

Hillbilly joke I found on rumourmillnews.

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now Im going to retrieve it.

The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything you own.

The farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we settle disputes in Appalachia. We settle small disagreements with the Three-Kick Rule.

The lawyer asked, What is the Three Kick Rule?
The Farmer replied, Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.

The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyers last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmers third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer somehow managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, Okay, you old fart. Now its my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 02 2015,1:09 pm

Long one from rumoumillnews.  The funny side of a colonoscopy:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy? How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. Youre boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 04 2015,2:10 pm

I've had funny flight attendants, but never like this:

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY&feature=youtu.be >
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 14 2015,5:44 pm

Dinner?

< http://news.oopsmile.com/5186-wo....=t61915 >

I don't like the first one, but I'd love to see peoples' reactions for those that follow.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Aug. 15 2015,1:51 pm

Wonderfull ideas for a catered Halloween partY! I especially like the tofu eyeball plate. Hey Morgan, picture this: a large vegetarian dish made to look like a human body that guests would slice with knives from the serving plate. Are you an adventurous cook?   :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 16 2015,9:18 am

Dude!  If you saw what I did in the kitchen, you'd run like H-E-L-L to avoid getting run over.  I put on a hilarious show of disorganisation and mayhem some times.  That's a great idea on the veg body, but I don't entertain the masses.  I can't afford it, our flat is too small, and the kitchen wouldn't allow for soething like that.

We joke about filming one of my cooking episodes, but I don't know if it will ever happen.  What's funny, is the end result is often better than anything on the planet.  I make the world's best stuffing, falafel wraps, salsa (use japeneros), mushroom dishes, potato dishes, rice dishes devilled eggs, garlic bread, and the other day I came up with an awesome pasta sauce made with sweet onions, garlic, mushrooms, one tomato, and a bunch of spices.  (Trader Joe's 21 Season Salute, tons of garlic powder, paprika, black pepper, cumin seeds, caraway seeds, dill seeds, celery seeds, McCormick (I know I'm supposed to be boycotting them due to their anti-GMO stance, but I get their stuff super cheap at Grocery Outlet, and they are the best spice company on the planet as far as their stuff goes in my opinion) garlic powder, Cuban seasoning.  Cook it in olive oil and butter.  I never measure anything.  I cook on instinct. . .kinda like the Pinball Wizard.

I used to make good meat dishes when I ate the stuff, but that's history.  I haven't eaten any chicken (the last critter I'm still theoretically open to eating) since March, and I'm contemplating not eating it again.  After all, they are totally cool animals, and they are the most abused of all in the factory farming scenario.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 06 2015,6:05 am

They're obviously progressives:

< http://insidegrind.com/wedding-embarrassing-moments-captured/21/ >

Go back and forward.  Some of the pics in the series are hilarious.
Posted by: Morgan on Sep. 17 2015,6:11 am

Funny Steve Wright quotes:

< http://www.zengardner.com/witticisms-steven-wright/ >
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 02 2015,10:13 am

Nostrils up to the compooter illiterate for making me laugh so hard:

< http://www.newsforage.com/2015....ly.html >
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 02 2015,12:32 pm

Oh please tell me this is a hoax! I don't know whether to laugh or scream. It'd fit quite well in The Onion, right?   :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 03 2015,9:38 pm

I have no way of knowing, but with the intelligence of the the general public, it might be real. Gods, some of the people I have talked to!

Now don't you just love this tombstone?

< http://s298.photobucket.com/user....pg.html >

Go forward and backward for more funnies.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 14 2015,1:49 pm

Just ask out of the blue where you can be heard by many for the sake of guerrilla theatre:  "IS IT SAFE TO PUT A CRIPPS APPLE ON THE SAME PLATE WITH A BLOOD ORANGE?"

See ifn' ya get any reactions.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 16 2015,2:07 pm

Word Games:

PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION :
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO :
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FINALLY....
FOR THE GRAND FINALE :

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

When you rearrange the letters:
An Arab Backed Imposter

Found it on Rumourmill News.
Posted by: HOLDEN on Oct. 16 2015,3:30 pm

2 more:

LISTEN
SILENT

ANN COULTER
UNCLEAN ROT
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 16 2015,6:13 pm

Heh-heh-heh!  Love the Coulter one!
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 05 2015,12:15 pm

Headlines:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=31963 >
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 09 2015,3:16 pm

Somebody said something to Danu about Mongolian Nose Yodelling.  Well, I laughd my arse off when 'it' told me about it, but couldn't find it here:

< https://www.google.com/search?...._rd=ssl >
Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 20 2015,1:50 pm

Some things just don't translate well:

< http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world....844.cms >

Add on edit.  I just found out this was a prank, but it's still funny in concept, so I'm not deleting it.

But it's true some things don't translate well.  Dung is a common name in Vietnam.  I worked with a really cool programmer by that name a while back.  He went as Zoom.  Statistically, they seem to be a very intelligent people, opinioned formed due to those I used to work with.


Posted by: Morgan on Nov. 21 2015,1:45 pm

Polenta:  Grits With Out Papers
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 02 2015,5:53 pm

Geddy Lee may be the NOSE of rock 'n roll, but Gene Simmons is definitely the TONGUE of rock 'n roll.  Just don't put 'em in the same room together.  It's like putting a Cripps apple and a blood orange on the same plate.

(In my world, noses and tongues are mortal enemies.)
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 04 2015,8:04 pm

Wonder if Geddy Lee's nose  ever thinks of going solo?
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 09 2015,7:18 pm

Joke:  My cat chases his tail so much, I renamed him Ouroboros.  (Mine.  Just made it up.  The cats don't chase their tails anymore.  They're too old.)
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 10 2015,12:55 pm

Har Har tee hee nyuk nyuk.  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 14 2015,1:20 am

This is a news story.  I'm wondering if it's real since it's so outlandish.

< http://www.newsforage.com/2015....th.html >

Then again, I've seen how stupid people can get.  The title is:


Members of the public in Woodland, North Carolina reject solar panels amid fears they 'suck up all the energy from the sun'


Do we laugh, or be very afraid?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 15 2015,1:50 pm

I certainly HOPE it's a joke.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 15 2015,5:31 pm

Unfortunately, I don't think it is.
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 18 2015,7:53 am

Long time ago, when I was working graveyard (which technically had no dress code), I got kicked out when my managers saw me for how I was dressed.  Once, I was in yellow and orange Hawaiian shirt, blue tie with black circles, black shorts that came almost to the knees, mismatched socks and shoes, and the site manager told me to go home before someone saw me.

Other time, I was in black leotard, black loincloth, sleeveless shirt you tied at the waist, black Apache boots, dog collar, wrist bracelets with studs, a black driving glove, and I used to dye my hair black and my production manager does a double take.  'WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!  GO HOME!"

That was in the good ol' days when I ran and worked out.  I was uber buffed.  Scrawny, but very well defined.  Hard to tell what I was from the looks of me.

Now I'm old and crotchety and fat, and people mistake me for a chick all the time.  Gods, from the size of my nose; ya'd think, ya ken?
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 18 2015,1:53 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 28 2015,9:09 am

Why's a father a pop, but a mother not a mop?

(Mine.)
Posted by: HOLDEN on Dec. 28 2015,1:11 pm

A door can be ajar, but a jar is not a door. (NOT mine, an oldie.).  :eyemouth:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 28 2015,5:54 pm

We like. :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 31 2015,10:46 am

Don't bring up Cultural Revolution cannibalism at lunch break when working in a Chinese restaurant.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 15 2016,6:37 pm

Came up with another 'LAST BABYSITTING STINT'.

I'm sorry, but I hope you like da taste o' pork, 'cause I accidently put da rump roast in da crib, and da baby in da freezer.   I didn't realise it 'til I went to feed da baby, and found a rump roast dar, and when I went to da freezer, I found what had turned into a longpiglest roast.  It was an honest mistake.  Anybody coulda don it.

The the next day, I go off to mail two bills.  It was raining.  I get to the mailbox via car since I have to go to the store later, and find I only stamped one of the envelopes.  I did not mail the stamped envelope due to the rain.  I figured I'd do them both after I got home again.

When I did go home again, I stop myself from going to the freezer for stamps, realising what I was doing halfway there.  Then I do stamp the other envelope, and head out the door walking, since the rain is no light, and the PO box is only a half a kilometre away.  Then when I am about to drop the bills in, I find I only have on envelope.  I'd dropped the other one.   So I mail the one I have, backtrack two blocks, find the dropped envelope, and walk back to the mailbox, drop it in, and laugh most of the way home, on how my little adventure coincided with the joke as far as the zone-case factor went.
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 27 2016,1:19 pm

Went to Dollar Tree this morning, and asked the chick at the register, "Ever wanna yell out, 'TWO BLADDER PADS ON REGISTER TWO!'?" She laughed, but didn't say anything, so I added, "Probably not, but even if you did; now you don't have to, because I did it for you."

Did I actually have bladder pads in my load? I'll leave that up to you to decide.

:eyemouth: :worm: :eyemouth:


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 05 2016,12:10 pm

Guerrilla theatre video concept.

I bring stuff home from the store, carry up a couple of bags of groceries, and can I pretend 2 cases of water at the same time are no problem?  (I used to do it.  I can carry them, but I don't know if I'd fare too well up a couple of flights of stairs.  Might have to cut out the video cam.), then complain that I can't handle the last load, which is a pack of 18 rolls of toilet paper.  I ask for help then me and Danu both take an end and struggle up the stairs with it like it weighs a ton or something.
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 08 2016,10:13 am

Apparently I'm catching on:

< http://www.gocomics.com/bloomcounty/2016/02/08 >

I swear, I about fell out of the chair!
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 08 2016,2:04 pm

:laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 21 2016,8:59 am

< http://www.gocomics.com/bloomcounty/2016/02/20 >

Berkeley Breathed seems to be a closet Nose.

And speaking of noses and nose jokes, seems like there's two of them to post today:

< http://www.gocomics.com/luann/2016/02/21 >

Life doesn't get any better.


Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 21 2016,2:38 pm

:laugh:  Yeah, people really do discard some AMAZING things. My favorite abandoned finds are books. Someone recently left a copy of Carl Sagan's book about the Voyager space craft on a public bench! I now own it.  :beer:
Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 21 2016,4:49 pm

Oh, yeah! Found a mint condition treasure a few months back. One on fighting cancer holistically, a killer collection of short stories from 1915, I think to 1999, and a soul food cookbook that I would have kept if we had the means to cook the stuff that was in it. I gave that to one of our neighbours, and they gave me a couple bottles of sparkling wine (I don't drink, and Danu rarely drinks) that is probably gonna be vintage by the time it's opened, and a delicious toxic grape juice drink mixture that I polished off in one day. I think it had sodium benzoate in it, or something.

Hey! Only one bottle of the brand it was, and I'm never gonna see another one again, so. . .


Posted by: Morgan on Feb. 25 2016,11:38 am

How's this for a band name:

The Happy Haemorrhoids
Posted by: HOLDEN on Feb. 25 2016,12:33 pm

Ouch  :laugh:
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 20 2016,10:11 am

How to cook crotch droppings:

< http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Cook_Children >

No, I did NOT write this.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 27 2016,5:15 pm

We know I kill song lyrics.  There's an old one by Offspring.  Come Out And Play, subtitled, "Keep 'Em Separated'.  Wonder if I'll ever redo that to 'Keep 'Em Marinated'?
Posted by: Morgan on May 07 2016,3:36 pm

Went to two stores next to each other.  Dollar Tree and Kraski.  Sometimes I bring the bag in from Dollar Tree so Kraski doesn't have to give me a bag.  This week I didn't, and I told the clerk, "Sorry I didn't bring the bag in, but I bought a whole bunch of bladder pads, and I didn't want anyone to know about it."  He laughed and said "All right", and I said, "Of course whether or not I'm telling the truth or being sarcastic is going to be left to your imagination.", and the conversation diverted to something else after a bit more laughter.  

####, we forgot to pet each other's noses!  He's a member of The Holey Order of the Septum, too.
Posted by: Morgan on June 04 2016,8:10 pm

Remember the Comet song?

< https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcDQ99N0-Ds >

I re-did it.

HAGGIS
IT SHOULD BE QUARANTINED
HAGGIS
IT TASTES LIKE STIR FRIED SPLEEN
HAGGIS
IT ONLY GAGS US
SO FEED US HAGGIS
AND GAG US TODAAAAAAAAAY
Posted by: Morgan on June 21 2016,4:38 pm

RULE #1 FOR ARSEHOLES:  If you can't say something obnoxious, don't say anything at all.

(Mine, of course.)
Posted by: Morgan on June 30 2016,4:52 pm

Told one of Danu's bandmates, "I hear ya got a cougar girlfriend. So you're a fashion accessory?!" (He laughed.  Hey!  It's true!)


Posted by: Morgan on July 17 2016,9:38 pm

If Nice is pronounce Neese in The Land of the Lily Pond (I have way too much respect for the French to call them Frogs), is mice; meese in French?
Posted by: Morgan on July 31 2016,11:11 am

I work as a janitor in a restaurant.  Would it be a mistake to tell my boss, "Ya know, this reminds me of the good ol' days in that life when I was a drudge in St. Petersburg under Sophie Frederica Augusta."?
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 20 2016,8:10 pm

< http://ramonacreel.com/rants-f....hildren >

More good synonyms for those who can't stand crotch droppings.  Some of these are EPIC.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 21 2016,12:11 pm

Got an emergency call from work to fill in for the morning dishwasher who was a no show.  It was a busy day, so it was H-E-L-L!.  After shift was over, I told my boss (Some paraphrasing.), "I wanna renegotiate my pay.  After five more of these stints, you shoot me; head shot, and I promise I won't press charges."

She says, "Bonus, huh?  That's too expensive.  I have to pay for the bullet.  (Not to mention the gun.)  How's about I stab you instead."

I say, "No.  Sledgehammer?"

She says,  "All right."

I'd probably have to buy it, though.

Blah!

(I actually love working for her.  Gods, the crazy conversations we have.)
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 21 2016,10:10 pm

I probably shouldn't post this since it might give someone ideas, but I'm gonna do it anyway.  One of the cruelest pranks someone can pull.  Wipe poison oak or ivy or whatever on a roll of gas station toilet paper, and of course roll it back up as carefully as you can to make it as close to looking untouched as possible.

No, I wouldn't do that.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 15 2016,9:04 pm

I dunno, but due to the irony I thought this was one of my funnier blog posts, so I'll transfer it here:

Am I ever right with my attempted prognostications?  Uh, no.  So I'll make another one.

Me thinks the shoite is gonna hit the fan between 24 days from now and 14.5 months from now. Game over by that 14.5 months, though unfortunately the checkmate won't happen all at once.

Now let's all watch it not happen, though there is a first time for everything.
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 24 2016,9:37 am

These things really happened:

< http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?noframes;read=60197 >

Oh, PULEEEEEEASE GET ME OFF THE PLANET!
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 28 2016,9:54 am

I told Danu, "I'd rather be nuked than rich."

Danu replied, "I see a new bumper sticker."
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 28 2016,10:16 am

True story:

We were having problems with one of the e-mail sites.  It wouldn't come up, so Microsoft e-mailed us on how to fix it. . .before they finally fixed it, so how could we read the dayam e-mail on how to fix it if we couldn't access the e-mail?
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 04 2017,9:15 am

How's this for bumper sticker or T-shirt:

THE NDE!  DON'T LIVE LIFE WITHOUT ONE!
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 16 2017,8:18 pm

If I'm ever at a company meeting again, and in the end they ask, "Any questions?", I'm gonna raise my hand and ask if I should get a toupee for my pet vulture.

Not likely, though.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 08 2017,7:52 pm

Had a conversation with Danu earlier.  I have a sign on the front window regarding the fact that those knocking with no appointment will be fed to our pet chupacabra and basilisk.  The chupe is 'Fluffy', the bask is 'Bubbles', and Danu asked the name of the bask, since it ain't listed.  Later in the conversation Danu said if they actually existed, we might have them as guard animals like how some keep guard dogs, and I said, "I think the manager might have something to say about that", and Danu says, "I think the manager might have something to do regarding avoiding becoming lunch," and I say, "Ah yes.  Thanks for the reality check."

Or something like that.  It actually was funnier in person, but y'all git da jist.
Posted by: Morgan on Mar. 24 2017,8:12 pm

I looked into the mirror today, and a song came into my head.  'Bette Davis Eyes', only with the lyrics rearranged.

"I got Albert Einstein's Hair."

There is a valid reason for this, by the way.
Posted by: Morgan on April 19 2017,12:45 am

Potential T-shirt:

Kill 'em all! Let the Flying Spaghetti Monster sort 'em out!

Now I gotta google if it exists already.

Well, this is what I found:

< https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x....a88.jpg >

Close enough, eh?


Posted by: Morgan on May 21 2017,9:30 am

True story.  At the restaurant, I asked my boss for 5 nose pets since I didn't get any leftover veggies that day.  She gave me 10, and said I owed her 5.  I was going to pet her nose then and there, but she didn't let me.  Next day, I took an alternate route to work for the first time since the freeway was clogged, and made a wrong turn.  I almost got plastered when I was doing a u-turn, with a truck I didn't see.  I looked before the turn, but the truck went by me, but swerved out of the way.  Close call.  Anyway, I told my boss I don't want any more advances on the nose pets since I might die in debt, and I would have severe issues with that.  So what does she do?  She gives me even more nose pets to convince me not to die since she needs me.

So what do I do now?  Wear a nose guard to work, or become a bottom feeding psychopathic mercenary who manipulates my boss for more, though undeserved nose pets (,which actually are part of my salary)?
Posted by: Morgan on June 05 2017,8:02 pm

Real story, and I  got away with it.  Danu and I made a new friend in April, and we totally touched base this June on the job because he needed a series of rescue rides to work which I am supplying.  I asked him where he's from since I noted an accent, and he said Liberia.  So of course I had to ask, "Did you come here before they started eating people?"

Joshua Milton Blahyi made it all the rage with his troops, and I thought it happened even today due to economic conditions.  I saw a video a few years back saying cannibalism was alive and well, but I'm not gonna even try to hunt it down.
Posted by: Morgan on June 16 2017,5:31 am

If a chick asks, "Is that your lipstick?". . .do NOT reply, "Do I look like a painted bimbo breeder cow to you?"
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 14 2017,10:37 am

My boss is calling studmuffins 'sausage casings' now.  I'm contagious.
Posted by: Morgan on Aug. 31 2017,3:53 am

A cartoon for those who know about me:

< http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2017/08/31 >

No nose hair coat, but this is the next best thing.  I almost can't believe this thing exists.
Posted by: darkus markus on Sep. 15 2017,1:08 pm

My sister told me that she was going to move the hostas at my parents' grave site. She says they are growing over into the neighbors' plots.  I asked her if she would rather move the neighbors instead.  She said she was hoping they would move on their own but so far no luck.  I asked her if I should do a summoning and see what comes up.  Still waiting for her reply....
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 03 2017,7:17 am

Potential pickup line.  "Yo, foxy!  You for sale????????"

If they say, no; say, "That's OK.  You look kinda expensive to own anyway.  How about for rent?"
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 13 2017,5:21 pm

A forum moderator actually sent me the top link on nose hair extensions, I keyed in nose hair extensions, and found this:

< https://www.google.com/search?....e=UTF-8 >

My boss at the restaurant said I could wear them to work. Probably not on swing shift, though.  I'll get some when we have a positive net income in a comfort zone.


Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 14 2017,10:40 am

One more nose hair vid.  This is a SNL skit, and it's HILARIOUS!

< http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/nose-hair/n9311?snl=1 >
Posted by: Morgan on Oct. 27 2017,11:31 am

Awesome tombstones:

< http://www.madnesshub.com/2017....se.html >
Posted by: Morgan on Dec. 06 2017,5:20 am

Something to just blurt out at a family dinner:

"Ya know, I don't think the Satanists are sacrificing enough children.  There's just too many of the dayam things around."
Posted by: Morgan on Jan. 21 2018,10:33 am

I told my boss that I dreamt I cleaned the floor of the restaurant on my nap during my split shift.  I asked if I'd get overtime for that.  She said, yes.  You can collect the check in your dream.
end


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